'''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''
'''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''
SATURDAY
”What are you saying? Are you saying we’re through?”
Jim picked up the remote control and turned down the stereo. It was a little before seven on a Saturday and she had just called off their engagement. Jim sounded hurt, angry, confused and a little like he suspected Pam had lost her mind.
“Listen Jim…”
“No! No I’m not gonna listen to this.”
He tried sounding angry and laughing it off at the same time, but he could see she wasn’t responding in anyway that would calm his racing heart.
“Jim, please…”
“If this is some kind of joke it isn’t funny”
“I’m so sorry Jim. It’s not you, it’s me”
She heard how cliché it sounded, but it was true. It wasn’t Jim. He hadn’t done anything wrong. He was the same sweet guy he’d always been. There in laid the problem. He still wanted the same things. She didn’t. Somewhere over the course of the summer something had shifted inside. She had changed. It had come on little by little. Her calls had become more infrequent, her e-mails shorter and shorter. It wasn’t that she didn’t want to talk to Jim; she was just too caught up in her New York life. There was always something going on and she spent very little time home alone in her apartment.
“Oh…come on Pam. That’s the universal code for IT IS YOU”
“No Jim, listen…please listen. I’ve changed”
“Changed how?”
It was a Friday in the middle of July she noticed how far away from her old life she had drifted. Jim had called her and she could hear how disappointed he sounded. He had to work and wasn’t able to come to the city. She felt sad, but also strangely excited. This meant she could spend the weekend with Ethan, Marie and Jo at their apartment. She used to bring her sketch book and a toothbrush and stay overnight. They cooked dinner, drank wine, talked about art and worked on different projects. She usually experienced her most creative moments on the floor of that apartment. Marie was two years younger than her and they had bonded quickly. Jo was her 21-year-old niece and Ethan was Jo’s boyfriend. They all seemed older than their actual age. Pam had been impressed and inspired by the two strong women. Jo’s mother Sonia was an artist and it was easy to see how it had influenced Marie and Jo. They both talked about their works as if it was the most natural thing in the world. Pam still felt self-conscious when discussing her art.
“I don’t know…maybe change isn’t the best description. Maybe I’ve just gotten to know myself better. Found out that there are other things out there, other things I would like to explore”
“And you can’t do that while being with me?”
“It’s not like that Jim. This isn’t about…”
She shook her head and she could see how utterly confused and hurt Jim was. She didn’t know how to explain this to him. She wasn’t sure if she fully understood it herself. She remembered the first time she’d been invited to dinner at Jo’s parent’s large town house. Sonia had talked passionately about art and what it meant to her. Pam had listened and been moved that she was even allowed to be there; sitting amongst people like that. Years and years of being in an environment that chipped away at her artistic soul had made her believe this world was out of reach for her. She had been invited back several times and Sonia always paid extra attention to her. She was such a vibrant and free-spirited soul and Pam felt herself blossoming in her company. Her husband was the same. He was in the art world as well, but he assured her that it was his wife who possessed the talent. They owned a gallery together and they’d already started hinting that Pam might possibly one day show her work there. Sonia had pulled her aside one evening and whispered in her ear “You mustn’t let convention hold you back. To be great one must break free. A woman must always destroy in order to create. Embrace your creative powers, don’t be afraid of them”. Pam had gone home that night, Sonia’s words ringing in her ears.
“Then what is it like Pam? What is this?”
How could she answer him without insulting him? Truth was that her summer had been filled with conversations and ideas that opened up a whole new world to her. The more time she spent in the city, the more it felt like home. It was so refreshing to be in a place that took her art seriously, that allowed her to explore parts of herself she barely knew where there. Jim had been supportive of course, but he didn’t get art the way she did. He tried, she knew that. He sat through hour long calls where she talked about a painting she was working on, how it confused and challenged her. He never lost interest, not once, but more often than not it was a one-sided conversation. She talked, he listened and encouraged her. If she tried to exchange ideas with him, things she’d heard the others talking about, all he ever said was “ahh..that sounds good, you should do that”. He was just being Jim, same old Jim. The problem wasn’t him, it was her. She just wasn’t same old Pam anymore. When she didn’t answer he threw her another question.
“How long?”
“Sorry”
“How long have you’ve been thinking about this?”
“I honestly don’t know Jim. It’s been gradual.”
“What about the apartment we’re supposed to move into next week?”
“I’m sorry Jim. But I think we can get our deposit back, if we just explain the situation”
“Explain the situation? I don’t even understand the situation. What is this? Do you have a name for it?
“I’m sorry Jim”
“Stop saying that”
He was sitting on her couch. His fingers were tightly knotted in his lap. His voice told her it hadn’t really hit him yet. It had an undertone that said he would take care of this; he would make her see how wrong this was. He looked at her.
“You said YES Pam. When I asked you three weeks ago, you said yes.”
“I know, but I shouldn’t have”
“What the hell happened in those three weeks that made you change your mind?”
“I don’t know what to say Jim. I shouldn’t have accepted in the first place”
He’d come in late on a Friday afternoon at the beginning of August. She had been tired from three different projects she was working on. He was so happy to see her and she felt guilty because all she really wanted was sleep. He understood of course, rubbing her back until she fell asleep. She woke up to his lips on her shoulder. She had pretended to be asleep and stirred and moved away from him. She had heard him getting up and walking into the living room before returning shortly after. Knowing it was unusual of her to sleep in so late she slowly opened her eyes as he slipped down next to her. “Hey there beautiful” His voice had been tender, but she immediately detected a hint of nervousness. “Hi”. He looked at her, brushing a few stray curls away from her cheek. She still loved that. “I wanted to ask you something”. He propped himself up on his elbow. She was facing him, but she was looking more at the wall behind him than at him. “okay”. She looked at him, sleep still in her eyes. “Would you marry me Pam?”
It had been a proposal forged by panic, he realised that. He had felt Pam slipping away for weeks and that morning he just panicked. It wasn’t the right time or the right setting. He knew that. He just panicked. Pam had been distant on the phone all week and she had gone straight to bed after he arrived last night. His offer to join her had been brought on by a need to be close to her. He knew he was acting clingy and he hated it. Pam didn’t like it either, he could tell. She’d grown so independent, so strong and as much as he loved her he sometimes missed the girl who looked to him for reassurance. Her face had lit up when she saw the ring. He hadn’t imagined that. She had looked genuinely surprised and happy. She had said yes and he had slid the ring down her finger. “It’s perfect Jim”. They had made love that morning and he left feeling at peace the next day. Now he stood in the middle of his living room pressing the same ring into his palm.
“Then why did you Pam? Why did you say yes?”
He was choking up. She begged that he wouldn’t cry because her tears had been non stop for a week and she struggled hard not to cry today. She didn’t know why she had accepted the proposal with such enthusiasm; she suspected it had been a life line. She had felt herself slipping away from her life in Scranton day by day. The proposal was a last attempt for their relationship to stay on course and afloat. She had waited for a proposal the entire spring and it was ironic that Jim would ask when she begun to realise that maybe marriage wasn’t what she wanted. She had been happy at first; maybe acting on autopilot. They had a good weekend, but by the time he left, her feelings told her it might be a mistake. She tried her best to suppress those feelings. The next weekend she went to Scranton to look at apartments with Jim. They found a really nice one in a brand new complex. They signed a lease on the spot. She had been excited about the extra space and the light room Jim had suggested she could use as a studio. She had managed to hold on to that excitement all weekend and they’d had a great time planning what to buy and what to do with the place. It wasn’t until she begun driving back to New York her true feelings bubbled up. She felt scared about being trapped in a city where artistic progress would come to a dead end. Three more weeks and she would have to leave New York for Scranton. The new apartment was lovely but she had to admit that neither Ethan, Marie or Jo would ever sign a lease on an apartment in a little place like this, and that made her feel like she was living on borrowed time. She had never in a million years thought she would feel this way, but she did. Buying time to figure it all out she turned to Jim and said.
“Listen Jim, it doesn’t have to be over. Let’s just wait and see. Some time apart might be good for us.”
She could hear herself saying the words although she wasn’t sure she believed them. Was there a way back for them? She didn’t want to lose Jim. He was her best friend, her lover. She just didn’t want to get married, and she definitely didn’t want to move back to Scranton. She couldn’t turn down the opportunity she had been given in New York. But she knew Jim. She knew how he would react. He would see this as rejection. She had been awake night after night trying to figure out a way to combine the two worlds, but she just couldn’t. She just didn’t want to get married, not at this point anyway, and she knew she couldn’t marry Jim and move to Scranton just because she was afraid of losing him. It wouldn’t be fair to either of them. He looked at her and she could see that his eyes were blank.
“Are you actually saying this? I asked you to marry me Pam. I want to start our life together and you…you….”
His voice broke. There was no power within him that could hold back the flood of sadness that came crashing down over him. The pain overwhelmed him as he saw the life he’d planned out for them fading away in the last rays of the evening sun. He could feel his legs giving away and before he knew it he was sitting on the floor, his back at her, frantically crying. He wasn’t in control anymore. He was of losing that control in front of her, but he couldn’t do anything.
She had never seen him like this before and it hurt so much she almost ran over and grabbed the ring out of his hand. The shadows left by the sunlight on the wall seemed to somehow hold held her back. She let him cry for a couple of minutes before she knelt down behind him. She slowly put her arms around him and whispered in his ear “Shssss…it’ll be alright. It’ll be alright my love”. Her words unleashed another sob and she could feel tears streaming down her own face. She wasn’t sure how it had come to this. How could she have allowed for him to love her this much?
When her hands encircled him his first reaction was to push her away, but he couldn’t. The one person who could do this to him was also the one person he knew he could fall apart in front. His chest was hurting and he could feel himself gasping for air. His mind wanted to let it all go to hell, to stop breathing all together, but his body fought him. The emotional pain was so deep that he thought he might lose it altogether. It was like the structure of his brain just broke down for a while. His past, present and future blurred into an unrecognizable mass.
Story Notes:
This story just sort of happened. Please don't throw rotten tomatos at me. I just wanted to write something other than "the happy ending".
Author's Chapter Notes:
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.
Chapter End Notes:
'''''''''''''''''''''''''''''
If anyone wants to beta the rest of this story I'd be very happy. Two more chapters.
Feedback is gold.
If anyone wants to beta the rest of this story I'd be very happy. Two more chapters.
Feedback is gold.
