It’s probably irrational, and I know it. But I’d rather say it’s impulsive, spontaneous. The truth is that I’m following my gut and if there’s one thing I’ve learned over the past few years it’s just that: follow your gut instincts.
I get back to my dorm room and put my laundry away, feeling cold and empty and alone. It's a good half an hour before I look at my phone, and realize that I had a message. I never heard my phone chime signaling it’s arrival, but that happens sometimes. I press ‘one’ and ‘send’ to check my voice mail, and I listen. By the time he says ‘I wish you were home’, I have an overnight bag packed and I'm looking for my phone charger, grabbing my bag with my art supplies and everything I’ll need for class tomorrow. I just – I need to go, to see him. My gut instinct. So I go.
The drive to Scranton is a blur. I try to listen to music but I’m just too keyed up. My stomach is in knots and my heart is pounding in my chest and I haven’t felt this way since our first date. I know that things are okay with us. I know it. I can hear it in his voice, the love that pours out of it when he tells me he misses me, tells me to be safe. I know that we’re solid and happy and it’s just the situation that makes things difficult once in a while. But sometimes you just need something tangible. His voice through the phone won’t be enough for me tonight. I need to look in his eyes and wrap myself around him for a little while; put back the tiny pieces of us that the distance has chipped away.
********************
It’s past eight o’clock when I pull into his apartment complex, and my heart hurts a little to know that in twelve hours he’ll be leaving for work and I’ll be back on the road to New York and we’ll be apart again. I shake my head though because right now I don’t care about that. I just care about touching and kissing and feeling warm that it’s really the only thing that matters at this point.
I approach the door – our door, I guess – and I don’t know if I should knock or just go in. Of course he wouldn’t care at all if I just came in, but I can’t decide which would surprise Jim more. The decision is made for me though because I knock, and knock again, and there’s no answer. I know he’s here because I see his car in the parking lot and the light is seeping through the blinds of the front window. I feel nervous suddenly, when I realize I’m being ridiculous – he’s probably sleeping, or listening to his iPod in bed or something. So I dig my keys out of my pocket and go inside.
It’s quiet. The television is on, but turned low. It’s ESPN, which makes me smile, because it’s nearly always on here. It’s like background noise for him – he has it on even when he’s barely watching and the familiarity that washes over me as I walk through the living room into the kitchen nearly brings tears to my eyes. I take a deep breath and close my eyes. I’m home.
********************
I hear the shower running and I smile to myself. I briefly debate the pros and cons of taking my clothes off and joining him, but before I can even take off my shoes I hear the water turn off and the butterflies in my stomach seem to flutter even more; rapid, like someone set my heartbeat on fast forward.
I hear him clear his throat and I think this is the perfect opportunity. I sneak past the bathroom, and thankfully the door is mostly closed, but not all the way. The steam from his shower is licking against the doorframe and I can smell his shampoo, his shaving cream and it makes me feel something that I can’t explain. Warm, safe, happy? I don’t know. It’s indescribable.
I make my way into the bedroom and take off my shoes and socks. I take off my hoodie and then I hear him come in, he gasps and I turn around, a smile on my face.
He looks shocked, and happy, and so incredibly sexy. The towel is slung low around his waist and his hair is a wet mess from running a towel over it. He has a huge smile on his face and I just want to tug on the towel and have it fall off of him. He crosses the room and puts his arms around me, strong and warm, and I bury my face in his chest. I want to get as close to him as possible, wrap myself around him, climb inside of him.
“What are you doing here?” It’s a whisper in my ear, and it’s dripping with amazement and happiness, like I just gave him the best present ever. God, I love him.
I pull back to look up at him and I instantly miss the warmth of his chest against my face. My fingers run through his hair as I consider my answer, “I got your message and I…I just needed to be here. You know?”
His smile is bright, and playful as his hands run up under my t-shirt, against the bare skin of my back. I shiver but it feels so good, it’s exactly what I needed, and I wonder how I could have ever truly lived without him.
He’s still looking at me like he can’t believe I’m here, and then he clears his throat, “I got your message too. I knew you had work to do tonight for class so I figured I’d call you later. I just got home from playing a few pickup games with Mark over at the Y.”
I bite my lip and nod and honestly? I don’t want to talk anymore. We’ve talked every day on the phone and while I love it, right now I need to touch and feel him. I run my fingers down his chest and press a kiss there as my arms wrap around him. He puts his head down on mine and I feel him smile against my forehead. I kiss my way up his neck to his chin, and I whisper against him “God, I miss you.”
He takes a deep breath and before he can return the sentiment I run my hands down his back and they linger over the edge of his towel. He pushes his hips towards me a little, sort of willing me to just pull it off, and I can feel him through the towel. Ready, waiting, wanting.
His hands are roaming everywhere, and words are pointless now as we set out to reacquaint ourselves. His palms run up my sides, taking my shirt with them. I run my hands over the front of his towel, teasing him, feeling him smile against my neck as he plants kisses there. I finally yank on that pesky towel and he’s tugging on the waistband of my pants and before we know it, we’re naked and on the bed. I’m in his lap and his hands are all over me, like he can’t make up his mind as to which part of me he missed most. His mouth on my skin is soothing and the coldness I felt all day is washed away in a wave. When I come I whisper his name in his ear, pulling him closer to me and holding on tight.
********************
Later, we order pizza and sit in bed and eat it together. I’m wearing only panties and his Eagles t-shirt. It smells like him and I plan on tucking it in my bag in the morning so I can have another piece of him with me while I’m hours away in another city. We get ready for bed and stand next to each other in the bathroom. He bumps his hip against mine as we brush our teeth and the look in his eyes tells me that driving here tonight was the best decision I’ve made in a long time. Besides saying yes at a roadside gas station, that is.
We climb under the covers and entwine ourselves together in his warm bed. His sheets smell like him and I consider maybe taking a pillowcase with me tomorrow, too. My leg rests in between his, and his arms are wrapped around me and I already know that this is the best night of sleep I’ll have had in weeks. We talk about the ridiculous baby shower he went to at work today, and I tell him about the latest project I’m working on. We catch up for hours until my eyes start to drift and I can feel his arms relax around me.
In the morning, as the sun comes up, we move towards each other almost on instinct. We’re half awake and everything is hazy like a dream, but it’s real and he’s moving over me, inside of me, and it’s quiet in the room except for soft sighs and his lips against my skin. Afterwards he is behind me, arms wrapped around me, and we fall back asleep.
********************
We oversleep so the morning is spent frantically gathering clothes, brushing teeth, fighting (playfully) for bathroom time. I think that this is what we’ll be like when I’m home again and we’re getting ready in the morning and it makes me smile like a lunatic while I’m getting dressed. He looks at me, confused, “What’s so funny?”
I shake my head and wave it off, wrapping my arms around his neck and planting a firm kiss on his lips.
We emerge from his apartment and he walks me to my car, opening the trunk and putting my bags in. He shuts the trunk and turns to me, pulling me to him, holding me there. We stand there quietly for a few minutes and it occurs to me that we always say goodbye like this lately. It’s like we’re trying to memorize how this feels so we can store it away until next time.
He’s going to be late for work, and I’m going to be late for class but it doesn’t matter as we kiss goodbye more times than I can count, and we finally, reluctantly part ways and get in our own cars. He’s in front of me pulling out of the parking lot, and I can see his eyes on me in the rearview mirror. I smile and wave sadly, but still, I feel better today. Complete. Ready to get back and finish this so I can come home and move forward.
********************
The day is long and exhausting and when I get back to my room that night I put on his shirt and pull his pillowcase on over my pillow. I breathe in his scent and I remember his arms around me and if I concentrate enough it’s like I can feel him behind me, his heart beating against my back, his breath warm against my neck. It’s not as good as the real thing, but it’s enough, for now.
