That week at work went by fast. Each day I though what to write about in my paper, and I even typed a bit on my work computer.
It seemed as if Pam was becoming more distant, but I didn’t mind. The space allowed me to clear my head, and write my thoughts down without the fear that she was lurking over my shoulder. I was ready to pour my heart out to my professor but not to the person I was in love with. It seemed strange to me that I was able to talk to easily about her to other people. It’s as if she was a part of me, and talking about her would be like talking about my hand or my nose.
It was a Wednesday morning and I could see her laughing with Roy about something out of the corner of my eye. I opened up my essay that I had abandoned a couple of hours before due to a small case of writer’s block and typed, Why me? It was probably a question I could never answer but I still had to ask. I brought my hands to my face, performing the typical “God this sucks” expression. Dwight suddenly became interested in what I was doing.
“I’d like to let you know that you’ve been wasting a lot of company time today, and I just think…”
I interrupted him before he could finish, “Hey, Dwight. Here’s an idea. Maybe you should stop wasting company time by yelling at me for wasting company time, and then less company time would be wasted.”
He just glared at me, and I smiled, victor as usual. Pam was walking over, and my smile turned into a frown. I wasn’t in the mood to get into something with her.
“Hey Jim. I was just about to ask you something. I, um…”
I could tell it wasn’t going to be an easy question for her to ask, which meant it would be an even harder question for me to answer. Once again, being the person that I am, I stepped in for a quick change of subject. A diversion, one might say.
“Were you just about to ask me what’s a better defense for an alien attack: a life size Barbie or a bazooka?”
She looked confused for a second, but smiled when she noticed Dwight’s sudden interest in our conversation.
“Yeah, how’d you know?”
“I could just tell, you had that look in your eye. So! I was actually doing research on this the other day. I mean aliens could really strike at any moment, so.”
“That’s for sure.” Her smile was huge now. It was so contagious.
“Well, experts say the Barbie is better.”
Then it was Dwight’s turn.
“That’s ridiculous. A life size Barbie, really Jim? What could that do? Maybe block like one alien tentacle. A bazooka could probably blow up the mothership. I mean haven’t you ever seen Independence Day? Case and point. Big huge alien spaceship blowing up the White House, and then BANG! We nuke the thing! And you want to leave the fate of our world in the hands of a doll.”
“Dwight you make a good point,” he looked surprised, and I had to fight to suppress a laugh, “but recent life size Barbies have martial arts fighting abilities, and are actually said to have alien brain sucking capabilities. It’s also less bulky, and it’s disguised as a human, so the aliens would have no idea.”
“Yeah, well what kind of martial arts can they do?”
“I’m pretty sure any kind. I think they’re all certified as black belts or something…”
“You’re lying! Aren’t you?”
“Well, Dwight believe what you want, but when aliens come to attack us, I know what I will be carrying. I actually already bought mine, and they’re selling fast. I think people are getting paranoid. So, Pam, you might want to stop somewhere and get one after work today. It’s just a precaution, but it could save your life.”
I could tell by her eyes that she was holding back a laugh when she said, “Thanks, Jim. You’re a big help.”
“Really, anytime.”
I looked at Dwight, who was just staring at both of us, waiting for one of us to crack so he could prove that we were lying. Amazingly, we held our ground.
“Hey, do you want to get something in the kitchen with me really quickly?” she asked. I got up and followed her without a word because I knew the next sound coming out of my mouth was going to be a laugh.
We barely made it to the kitchen before we both exploded in laughter.
“I really don’t know how you do it, Jim. That was all on the spot.”
“Oh, no, that was all true. I was just merely reciting information I googled.”
“Yeah, well Dwight bought it.”
“I wouldn’t be surprised if he came in tomorrow with that Barbie.”
“That would be priceless.”
“Could you imagine?” We both started laughing again, and it felt really good. Laughing with her was one of my favorite parts of my day.
Suddenly the mood changed, and I wanted nothing more than to return to my desk.
“Hey, so I really need to ask you something.” She said it like she was scared, scared of what the question might entail. As if it would shake the very core of the relationship we had built.
“You know you can always ask me anything.” And it was that old, lovesick Jim Halpert kicking in again. The one that would’ve never taken that class at the community college, the one who was content wasting away his life as long as he got to see her. I really was beginning to hate that Jim Halpert.
“Alright. I don’t know how to say this, so I guess I’ll just say it. I feel like you’ve been different lately, or maybe it’s me. I don’t really know. Do you just feel like things are a little different between us?”
How did she always pick up on things? It’s like we were so in sync with our twisted relationship that we both immediately knew when something was off. I was hoping she wouldn’t realize how I’d been ducking out of work early a few days or eating lunch at my desk rather then in the break room with her and Roy.
I felt like my tongue was heavy when I tried to respond. It was weighed down by the truth when all I wanted to say was lies. I had become a practiced liar, but truth had been haunting me recently. Avoiding her had been the cure to this, but now she was asking such a direct question. How could I lie to her when she was staring at me like that?
“Um, well, I guess it is me. I just have gotten so wrapped up in the whole college thing, that I've forgotten about other things, I guess.”
“You forgot about me?” She looked hurt. What was I doing?
“No, Pam. It’s not like that. Listen I don’t really want to get into this here. It’s not the right time, and it’s definitely not the right place.”
“I just…fine then. Tonight. Roy has poker night with the guys tonight, and he won’t even notice if I leave. We can go to Cugino’s or Cooper’s and have dinner.”
“I don’t know Pam, I think I have some stuff to do tonight.”
“Now you’re lying.” She looked mad, and I felt guilty. I guess she didn’t realize that dinner almost meant a date, and that almost made me really happy.
“Okay, okay. How about around six? I’ll meet you at Cooper's.”
“That sounds good.”
“Okay.”
“Okay.”
She walked out. I leaned on the counter and let my mind wander. What was really going on? There was something she wanted to know that she felt scared to ask. I could feel it.
Why did this always end up happening to us? What made us deny the things we had? She’d be dumb to realize that there wasn’t something between us. I knew she knew too. The way she looked at me at times, and the way she playfully touched my arm when she knew Roy wasn’t around, they were all signs. Usually I just ignored them because I felt like if she was going to take a chance she would’ve done it already.
“Jimbo!” What a way to come back to reality.
“Hey, Michael. What’s going on?”
“Not much, not much. Just burning the midnight oil, you know?”
“Yeah, I guess I was just on cruise control for a second. Taking the slow road.”
“Roads? Where we’re going we don’t need roads. Michael J. Fox, Doc Hollywood. So what are you doing tonight? Got some big plans?”
“Um, not really. It’s a Wednesday, so I’ll probably just catch some sports on TV.”
“Ooh, downer. I’m free tonight. We could go get some beers. Sports are much more fun to watch when you’re plastered.”
“Yeah. Well, as much fun as that sounds, I just got really drunk this weekend. My one friend I haven’t seen in a while came to town, and I am still kind of hungover. So I probably wouldn’t be much fun.”
“You know what’s a great cure for hangovers? Suck in some milk with your nose through a straw. I tried it once, and it hurt my nose so bad I totally forgot about my headache.”
“Oh, really? Maybe I will try that laterish. Alright, I’m heading back to my desk.”
“Ah yes, back to the grind!”
“See you, Michael.”
When I got back to my desk I noticed it was 4:45 already, and I started to pack up for the day. I felt like I had a big night ahead of me, but I had no idea what was going to happen. I emailed myself the progress I had made on my essay and shut down my computer.
Mental exhaustion was eating away at me, and I wanted nothing more than to lay down with a bottle of Jack Daniel’s and forget what was going on. Michael’s idea was starting to sound more favorable then what I actually had planned for the night.
My legs carried me to the front door before I even realized what I was doing. I turned instinctively to say bye to Pam, but she wasn’t at her desk. Normally, I would’ve sought her out to tell her have a good night, but I figured I’d be seeing her anyway.
The ride home was short, too short. I felt like time was just slipping my fingers like sand. No matter how much I tried to grab it and keep it from falling, the task was impossible. Why shouldn’t I be looking forward to a night with Pam?
I was scared. I was so afraid I might admit something, and that something might bring me more pain then I was already feeling. Fears are funny. They hold you back, and stop you from pursuing your dreams. Isn’t it true, too, that most people’s fears are irrational? They’re merely there to keep people from doing the things they really want to. But maybe fear is necessary. Without it maybe everyone would be successful, and if everyone was successful then no one would really be successful. I had begun to think that real success in life was measured by a person’s ability to overcome fear, and in that case I was a huge failure.
Pulling up to my house offered no relief. Mark was probably inside with his girlfriend having the fun that I could never see to find. Maybe tonight was going to change something. Whether it was good or bad I had to accept it because I needed to change. Once again my paper flashed through my mind. Change is good.
Author's Chapter Notes:
This chapter kind of kept going as I was writing it, and ended up a bit long. I enjoyed myself, though. =]
