It’s hard to feel after years of telling yourself not to, but the upcoming night was making my emotions go haywire. I couldn’t settle down. Mark kept looking at me strangely, but I ignored the looks until he finally left for the night with his girlfriend. I was alone.
The clock was glaring at me. 5:45, I should be leaving. It soon took on a face of its own, and I imagined it walking up to me and slapping me in the face. “Get up,” it was saying. Somehow I was immobile.
“I can’t do it.” Now I was talking to the clock and it responded.
“This is it, Jim. This is the night you’ve been waiting for.”
Of course the clock wasn’t talking, but my imagination made it seem that way. It gave me the push I needed, too. Though I was sure my muscles were made of lead, I pulled myself up and rubbed my face. It was time to go.
I had spent a good part of the hour getting myself ready for the night. After finally walking through the door at 5:15, I had rushed to get a shower. It had taken me ten minutes to finally decide on what to wear, as if Pam cared.
Everything outside looked different when I walked out: my car, my house, and my front yard. I pretended how it would feel to never see any of it again, and the image left me empty and hollow. My thoughts wandered as I drove to the restaurant. I imagined myself entering the restaurant and seeing her. She looked beautiful. Her curls were tamed and fell around her shoulders. She was in a breathtakingly beautiful pearl white dress, and she was glowing. Suddenly, she was running to me, and I picked her up and spun her into the most romantic kiss I had ever had.
She looked at me and said, “You’re the one I love.”
“I love you too, Pam.” And the rest was history.
As soon as that daydream faded, a new one started. She was wearing her work clothes this time, with her hair pulled back the way she always wore it. Her expression was grim, and she was wringing her hands. She made no sudden movements when I walked in, but rather only glanced at me like I was just another person walking in the door. It seemed to pain her greatly to get up, as if I wasn’t the worth the energy.
“Jim,” she quietly murmured. Her voice was filled with grief. Something was troubling her.
“Pam.” I hugged her, but it was stiff and meant nothing. It was almost as if I was hugging a cold pole or a lifeless doll.
She started talking about someone, Roy maybe, and how she needed to go soon, but I wasn’t listening to any of it.
“I love you,” I blurted out, and she stopped midsentence.
Her eyes remained emotionless.
“I can’t,” she said, and walked out.
I shook my head, relieving myself of such painful thoughts. Guaranteed I was imagining two extremes, but I felt the fear creeping in again. It was slowly eating away at me, and soon there would be nothing left.
I seriously considered going back home when I pulled up to Cooper’s, but I noticed Roy’s truck in the parking lot. I couldn’t leave her.
The door was heavy, and I felt like an idiot as I fumbled with it. Then I saw her. She was sitting on the bench, and you could tell she was waiting for something. Maybe she was waiting for something I didn’t have, something she thought I was but could never be. I felt like she was looking for a friend, a person to be by her side through no matter what.
She saw me, and I smiled because how couldn’t I? She was so beautiful. She was dressed casually, but it was a change from her typical work clothes.
“Jim!” She has a big smile on her face as she walked over to me. We embraced, and she wasn’t dead or lifeless. The hug was warm and comforting, and I felt myself relax a little.
“Hey.” I said, unable to come up with anything else. She seemed to have everything under control, though.
“Hey, I got our table already. I was just waiting for you. Let’s go sit, I’m starving.”
I followed her as she led me to the table, and I noticed how she let her arms and hips swing freely. She was happy, and it made me happy.
“So I hope you don’t mind, but I ordered some alcohol.”
“Well, that all depends on what kind it is.”
“Jack Daniel’s.” It was as if she read my mind.
“I didn’t know you were a whiskey fan.”
“Well, once and a while. I wanted to loosen up a little. I kind of got in a fight with Roy on the way home today, and I just…I don’t know.” My smile faltered, and I looked at my watch. It had been approximately one minute and she’d already brought up Roy, what a start to the night. She noticed my change in expression.
“Hey, are you alright?”
“Oh, yeah. I’m great. So where is this alcohol?”
She called the waiter over, and he poured two glasses. I sipped it cautiously. Alcohol tended to make me a little loose-lipped. That was something I definitely didn’t want.
“So, what happened with Roy?”
“It’s just something stupid. I was supposed to head to the Pocono’s this weekend with him, but I don’t really want to go. Honestly, I never really wanted to go. I was asking him in the car if he wanted to skip going and stay home for the weekend, and he got a little angry. He just loves going there because him and Kenny hang out and do whatever they do. Truth is, I always feel kind of lonely up there with his family. I’m sure he’s drunk right now with his friends, and he’s forgotten all about it.”
“That’s rough.” I took another swig of whiskey, and looked at her. She was genuinely upset, and the old Jim Halpert started to kick in. “I think that you shouldn’t let him boss you around, though. If you don’t want to go you shouldn’t have to. And if he decides to go anyway, you could hang out with me. I mean we could go to the mall or find a way to mess with Dwight. His number might be listed in the phonebook.”
“Dwight’s number in the phonebook? Jim, come on, you should know better. It’d be way too easy for a revenge seeking ninja to look him up and try to kill him.”
“You’re right. He won’t even put his number on the employee list at work. I always thought it was because he didn’t have a phone, though…”
She was laughing, and we were falling into our old routine again. It was easy to cover up the bad with the good. Joking around was just us putting off the more important, harder to talk about things.
“Jim, if he comes in tomorrow with a life size Barbie, I am going to have to buy you something. That, today, was priceless.”
“Yeah, well I figure I’ve become a professional jokester.”
“If not professional close to it.”
There was an awkward silence, but the waiter who was demanding our orders saved us. She requested a burger, and I got a chicken sandwich. I wanted something light that wasn’t going to weigh me down.
“Chicken, eh?” she was laughing at me.
“Yeah, well I am sorry we aren’t all fat kids ordering the second biggest burger on the menu.”
“I told you I was hungry!”
“Apparently.”
She lightly slapped me from across the table. She was beaming, and it was good to know that I could always make her laugh.
“So, how are your classes going?”
I choked a little on my drink, not expecting such a quick change in subject.
“They’re good. It’s really weird going to school. I thought I’d be one of the oldest people in the class, but I’m almost the youngest. I forgot what it was like to have homework, you know?” She raised her eyebrows at me. “Well, you know, homework that didn’t involve googling ways to annoy your fellow coworkers.”
There she went laughing again. Maybe she was feeling a little giddy after the alcohol, or maybe she was just in a really good mood. I was hoping for the latter.
“That’s great. I really always wanted to take art classes, but I don’t know, it’s hard to find the time. Roy’s not too hip about it either.”
I just nodded and swallowed some more Jack Daniel’s. It was starting to have an affect on me, and I considered stopping. At that second she called the waiter over and requested more drinks. I hadn’t even noticed that she was drinking, but I then saw her empty glass. I guess we both needed something to make us a bit braver.
“What are you taking?”
“Uh, business and journalism”
“Journalism, really? I didn’t know you liked to write.”
“Yeah, I kind of have since high school. I stopped writing when I started working here, but it’s always been a dream of mine to write for a sports column or something like that.”
“That’s really cool.”
“I guess it is.”
I downed my second glass as the waiter came and brought us our food. Our conversation was light and happy, and we spent the better part of the night laughing.
Halfway through her burger, she stopped eating and looked at me.
“Jim, I’m really having fun tonight.”
“Well, I am the most fun guy around.”
“Yeah, you really know how to have a good time.”
“Really? Because I was being sarcastic. People tend to find me boring.”
“That’s doubtful.”
“Well, thanks, Beesly.”
“Yeah, no problem.”
“You’re not bad company either.”
“How’s the chicken sandwich?”
“Delicious, and the burger?”
“Very tasty.” We finished our meals in silence, but it wasn’t awkward. It was a silence that we both needed in order to think about what to say to each other. Our conversations were always about choosing our words carefully. It was imperative that we never reveal too much, but just enough to keep each other coming back. At least, that’s what she did to me.
“Jim.” Her tone was more serious, and I became scared again.
“Pam?” It came out as a question, and I was pleading with her.
“What’s happening?”
“What do you mean?”
“To us.”
“Pam, I don’t understand.” And I could feel myself begging her not to go on. To leave things as they were, because everything was easier that way. It was always easier to forget about the hard things and ride on the easy ones.
“It’s just, this week…I don’t know. Something was different between us, and I didn’t like it.”
“Really? I…” She was interrupting me, her voice a decibel higher.
“Don’t pretend like you didn’t feel it too.”
What could I do? I was defeated, she knew.
“Yeah I guess it was.”
“Today, when I came up to your desk, I wanted to ask you what’s going on, why everything is changing. I feel like I can’t even control it.”
“It’s just hard, Pam, for me. I am stuck in this job, and I hate it, you know that. I can’t do this my whole life. I need to do something for me, and that’s what the college classes are about. It’s about doing something for myself. I always try to please everyone else, but I forget about me. And I think I got sick of that.” I was trying to disguise my words so she didn’t know it was all because of her, but I feel like deep down inside she knew the real reason for my despair.
“I didn’t know you hated your job.” She looked hurt.
“I don’t hate all of it. It just…I don’t know how to say what I want to say.”
“I think I get it. There are some things that keep you working there. Now, the ones that are pushing you away are getting stronger, aren’t they?”
“I don’t think I could’ve said it better myself.”
“What’s keeping you there?” She was trying to get me to confess, but I couldn’t, not here not now, maybe not ever.
“Pam,” I tried, but she just shook her head, and dismissed my answer. She wasn’t ready to hear it either.
“I think we should get the check.”
“Alright.” I called over the waiter and offered to pay, but she adamantly refused insisting that she pay her half.
We walked out the door, and I couldn’t help my mouth from running. It was definitely the alcohol.
“Come back to my house. Mark’s staying over his girlfriend’s and I’m home alone tonight..” The request was ridiculous, but I could see her turning the idea over in her head.
“Alright, I’ll follow you there.”
My smile was impossible to hide as I got into my car. I had just jumped the cliff, and there was no turning back at this point. I wondered when she would jump, or if she ever would. Maybe it was enough for her to see me falling.
Author's Chapter Notes:
I'm really enjoying writing this, so here's another quick update. Hope you guys are still enjoying it.
