Author's Chapter Notes:
Is anyone salivating due to this update? Didn't think so, but I'm sorry for the delay anyway. Thanks to those who are still reading!
My hand was shaking as I opened the door, but she didn’t seem to notice. It’s not like she hadn’t been to my apartment before because my barbecue had only been a few weeks before. The look of wonder on her face was clearly evident despite the fact that what lay beyond the entrance was no surprise to her.
The broad oak door opened into my dimly lit living room, and I rushed to turn the lights fully on. Something about a semi-dark room screamed romance to me, and anything that made this night less awkward was a start.
“The place hasn’t changed.” Her sudden declaration startled me.
“Well, you were only here a few weeks ago. Guys don’t up and change their houses every other week.”
“This is true. I don’t know, I just expected something to be different.”
She got me thinking that something was different. Maybe, in a daze, I had rearranged some things and now I couldn’t remember it. Maybe the paint on the walls was a bit more faded, or the TV was in a different position. As I scanned over my apartment, I imagined all these changes being there. They weren’t of course, but it seemed so real. Who knew that rearranged furniture would be a perfect metaphor for our relationship?
She flashed a dazzling smile at me, and I could only hope that I had done something to cause it.
“I love your place. I don’t know if I told you that before. It’s really great.”
“I like when my house is up to people’s standards.”
“Well, you’ve done a good job.”
“Thanks.” There she went, smiling at me again, and I froze for a second absorbing the image of her. Silently, I shook my head, and realized that I should be playing hostess. “So, would you like a drink?”
“You know, I could really go for a cold beer.”
“Jeez, Beesly. You can really hold your liquor, but you’re lucky because I know for a fact Mark just picked up a six pack last night.”
“Wonderful.”
After a quick trip to the refrigerator, I handed her the ice-cold beer, and our fingers brushed for just a second. The electric shock caused me to jump back. She seemed unfazed.
“So, Jim, what are the plans for tonight? You managed to get me here, now what are you going to do with me?” Maybe it was because of the liquor or maybe it was instinct, but I was immediately licking my lips in anticipation. Was she really trying to kill me?
“Well, Pam, I was hoping that maybe a movie would suffice. Perhaps, a classic,” I said as I held out the rectangular box.
“The Princess Bride! I didn’t know you had that.” The truth is, I had gone out and bought all of her desert island movies after the fire.
“It is one of the greatest movies of all time.”
“That’s for sure.”
“OK. So, you should get yourself settled, and I will pop this into the DVD player. I’m not sure if you’re a popcorn junkie like I am, but…”
“I was just going to ask you if you had some!”
“Perfect. Well, I will get that going, and you relax.”
Entering the kitchen, I let myself release the breath I had been holding. She was in my living room and we were alone. That was enough to cause my heart to race and my breath to quicken. It was hard, really, to know how to act. Work is one thing. When you’re surrounded by other people it’s hard to come off as flirty at all, but tonight was a different story.
I glanced around the corner and caught her staring at the ceiling. What was she thinking? What had her intentions been when she had agreed to come here tonight? It’s like I had a million of unanswered questions, and they were building an invisible barrier around me. I couldn’t act without knowing the answers because there was one fact that still remained. She was engaged, and I was her friend. Nothing could change that, at least not tonight.
I needed to know what she wanted from me. What purpose did I serve in her life?
“Jim!” She was calling me. What was I supposed to do? I was on the verge of tears when she entered the kitchen, and there was that smile again. It was so damn relentless. “Hey you can only watch the DVD menu so many times before you get anxious. What’s going on?”
“Oh, I was just, um, making the popcorn. Remember? You need it to feed your addiction.”
“That’s right. I’m at four bags a day.”
“Horrible, Pam, just horrible.” She was laughing, but I wasn’t. I didn’t know where my ability to make a joke out of everything came from, but it was starting to get me angry. Anytime anything was on the verge of being something, I landed some stupid joke, and we always ended up in the same place we started: nowhere.
She stopped laughing when she noticed I wasn’t, and a look of concern came over her face.
“Is something wrong?” To be honest or not to be honest, that was the question. It was always the question.
“No, I’m totally fine. Just dozed off for a second.” Once again my fear was stepping in and preventing me from saying the three words I should be saying. I wanted to let the night play out, though. She was here for a reason, even if she didn’t want to admit it.
“Alright, Pam, looks like the popcorn is done. Let’s get this party started.” And just like that, the little bit of uneasiness was gone, and we both walked back to my living room. Moments like that were just wrinkles in time, and they were easily forgotten. It’s like I was on a never-ending train ride, and it was just moments before I asked the conductor to please crash into the nearest wall.
She was saying something, but I couldn’t make out the words. All I could notice was the way she was playing with her engagement ring, the way it spun around her ring finger. The ring itself was pretty lame. Obviously Roy didn’t put much thought into it, but who would think that he would. It was that ring though, that small circle of gold, that prevented me from grabbing her right in that moment. It prevented me from shaking her and telling her to open her eyes. She needed to open her eyes and stop pretending to be the blind innocent girl she so liked to act that she was.
I remembered one time when I was a young boy and I asked my mother what her wedding ring meant. She told me that it was a symbol of her and my dad’s love. Her statement always confused me because I didn’t know how something so insignificant could mean something so extraordinary. Love cannot be defined by a wedding ring. As I grew older, though, I realized that a ring represented something more than just a bond between husband and wife. The ring, in the shape of circle, shows that there are no limits in a relationship. The simple geometry of it proves that when you truly love someone, there is no beginning or end. It’s as if you have always loved them and will always love them. A ring can’t symbolize love, but rather willingness to feel it.
Maybe she thought her ring proved her love for Roy and his love for her. Maybe she agreed with my mom and thought that the ring was a symbol of their everlasting bond, but I didn’t buy into it. I wondered if she willingly loved Roy, or if the simple gold ring was enough to tell her that she did.
And she was smiling again, for the third time, if I recall correctly, and she was radiant.
I gave one last glance at the ring, and thought that maybe she knew. Maybe she knew that it was more than just a symbol, but I think she kept it for a reason. She didn’t want to admit that she wasn’t ready for Roy or their wedding, but false appearances were her specialty, so she went around pretending. She pretended that the ring meant more to her then just any other piece of jewelry she owned. She probably hoped that one day it would mean as much as she told people it did, but I think she knew deep down that it would never happen. Because in reality rings don’t symbolize love, they represent your willingness to feel it, and she was not willing.
“Hey, Jim, have you been listening to anything that I am saying?”
“Uh, no. You know, I am having this problem with paying attention at the moment, and I’m not sure why…” But boy did I know why.
“Alright, well I was just saying how the beginning of this movie is my favorite part. I mean, just the whole chase, and the way he tricks him with the poison and the wine. It really is inconceivable.”
“Ah, you know, I am more of a fan of the whole part with him being “almost dead” and the fight scenes in the castle.”
“Yeah, this whole movie is just brilliant. Roy doesn’t get it. Every time I ask him to watch it with me, he pretends like he has something really important that he has to do right that second. Then I catch him ten minutes later watching football, or something.”
“Well, how about this? Whenever you feel like watching this, you can just come over here and watch it together. I mean I could watch this movie everyday for the rest of my life, and it would never get old.”
“I totally agree with you!”
“I’m glad I found someone who does. Mark hates this too.”
“So, are we going to watch this or not? You still haven’t hit play yet!”
“Well, you were talking remember?”
“And you weren’t listening.”
“Oh yeah, I forgot about that.”
“It just sucks for you because I was talking about something really good, and know you’ll never know what I said.”
“I think I can make it without knowing.”
“Yeah, whatever you say, Jim. I can see your curiosity already getting to you.”
“No way, Beesly, I am not wavering in the slightest.”
We were both laughing hysterically because somehow it was really funny. I am pretty sure that was due to the alcohol brewing in my system. I couldn’t even find my voice to say anything, but she did.
“I am pretty sure the alcohol from an hour ago is really kicking in now. How is that possible?”
“Who knows? Maybe it’s due to the three beers you just downed.”
“That could be it. I haven’t gotten drunk in the longest time. Roy and I don’t really go out, together, a lot so…I think the Dundies may have been the last time…”
“Pam that was, like, over a year ago!”
“I’m sorry I’m not an alcoholic.”
“You know I’m joking with you.”
“Yeah, you know I’m joking with you.”
“Wait, question!”
“Uh yes, the pretty little redhead.”
“We just had three beers each, and you said Mark got six. Does this mean we’re out?”
“Congratulations on being able to do math, but the truth is we’re not out because I didn’t know Mark had bought beers, so I bought a case of my own.”
“Yay! More beer!”
“Beesly, how are you going to drive home drunk?”
“Maybe I’ll just crash here if you don’t mind.” I was sure that was the alcohol talking, but the comment still hit me even in my slightly buzzed state. I didn’t know if I should take her seriously.
“Uh, yeah, sure, if you want. I mean, Mark isn’t coming home tonight, so it’d be cool with me.”
“Great. So let’s forget our problems and get absolutely wasted.”
“Woah there! Calm down. I don’t think I’ve ever seen you like this.”
We were both smiling again, because anybody would think that this was fun. We were having fun. Together.
“Maybe I’m not the angel you thought me to be.”
“I guess not.”
I retrieved two more beers from the fridge, one for me and one for her. I popped the caps and took a big swig of mine. I was going to have to be absolutely drunk first, just so I could blame anything that happened on my inability to function. Not that I was planning on anything happening, but everyone knows what alcohol does to you.
I came back into the living room and handed her the beer.
“Cheers,” she said.
“What are we toasting to?”
“To the best night I had in a long time.” And I couldn’t contain my smile when I sipped my beer.
“So I was thinking.”
“I thought I smelled something burning.”
“Very funny, Jim. No, but really. I was thinking that we should get this movie rolling.”
“Alright, Beesly. And now, your feature presentation.”
It was almost comical, the two of us sitting there in absolute silence watching the movie. It was an unusual silence, not one that was awkward or avoided, but one that proved contentment.
I’d been watching her more than I had been watching the movie. I wasn’t oblivious to the fact that she had started at the opposite end of the couch as me, but now was in the middle. Her hand lay just inches away from mine.
I watched as the color from the television danced on her face. She looked worried and preoccupied. I suspected that her mind was somewhere else. It was as if the movie was just a clever cover up that gave us both time to think. We needed time to think about what we were doing here and where we were going.
“Hey, Jim.” She was quiet. Maybe she was tired or lost in thought.
“Uh, yeah?”
“I probably should get going. Roy might be worried.” She knew he wasn’t, but it worked as an excuse.
“Yeah, he’s probably wondering where you are. What time is it? Oh, shit, it’s 2 o’clock.”
“I guess we lost track of time?”
“Just a little bit.”
I looked at our hands again and noticed there were almost touching. We were always so close, yet somehow so far.
“Alright, well I’ll walk you to your car. You didn’t bring anything did you? Wouldn’t want you to forget anything.”
“Nope, I just brought myself.”
“Great, let’s get going.”
There was a biting chill in the air when we stepped outside my house. Her car looked like a long lost memory, and it almost was. If only it could’ve stayed that way.
“Jim, this was great, really. I needed some unwinding. This helped.”
“I’m glad. I’m always here if you need me.”
“I know.”
She reached up to hug me, and it was unexpected. Her hold on me was enough to tell me a story. She needed someone else, but she didn’t know how to ask for help.
“Thanks again.”
And of course I couldn’t help myself. She was looking so deeply into my eyes it was as if my heart was fluttering behind them, telling her my secrets.
I kissed her. It wasn’t long, it wasn’t passionate, but it was electrifying. I immediately forgot the chilly weather, and dove into the warmth of her lips. And she was kissing me back. It surprised me enough to pull away.
“Jim…”
“I wish I could blame that on the amount of alcohol in my system, but we both know that would be a lie. I think I would be accurate in saying that you know what’s going on, but we can’t get into it here or now. You need to do what you need to do, and that’s something I can’t control. So, go, and maybe tomorrow things will be different.”
She didn’t say anything, just looked at me for a second longer before getting into her car and driving away. It was OK really. I didn’t expect her to know what to say or do, because frankly, I had absolutely no idea what I was doing.
“And that’s that.”
And it was. Hopefully tomorrow the sun would rise and bring some new beginning with it.
Chapter End Notes:
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