After Gregory’s sudden death, Jim had become incredibly quiet and distant. Pam was heartbroken to see her boyfriend grow colder and push away everyone.
She was standing at the nurses’ station, fixing herself a cup of coffee when she saw Pete walking down the hallway. He saw her and grinned widely.
“Hey Pam!” He walked up to her. “So, Jimmy tells me that you two hooked up, good for you. I can’t imagine how much that’s helped him.”
“Yeah,” Pam said softly. “It did.”
“But then his friend died,” Pete’s eyes softened. “Mom said that he’s gotten much worse. He’s gotten quiet and his vitals are declining.”
“It’s like I don’t even know him anymore,” She blurted to Pete’s surprise. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.”
Pam instantly dissolved into tears. Pete took the coffee cup and placed it on the counter before guiding her towards the plastic chairs along the hallway.
“I’m sorry,” Pam sobbed, head in her hands. “It’s just, he was such a funny sweet guy and he’s completely changed. He doesn’t talk to me, doesn’t want to do anything, he’s just staring out of the window. I’m so scared for him, he thinks he’s going to die.”
Pete’s usual smile was completely gone. “I know. My mom thinks that too. She called Tom and I down here. She is completely convinced that Jim isn’t going to make it.”
His voice cracked and he looked down, tears flashing in his eyes.
“Tom is flying down tomorrow and apparently we’re going to say goodbye to my baby brother,” Pete quickly wiped a tear from his face. “His vitals are dropping and the transplant board isn’t going to give a heart to a guy who’s so depressed he doesn’t talk when they can give it to the sweet mom of three.”
“Jim isn’t depressed,” Pam muttered.
“He is listed as showing signs of severe depression in his chart which will be shown to the committee,” Pete whispered and Pam’s heart stopped. “Apparently he also has requested to take his name off the list.”
“What!” Pam said sharply, sitting up straight.
“He didn’t tell you?” Pete started, obviously surprised. She quickly stood and hurried to Jim’s room sliding the door shut angrily.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” She hissed. “You sign your own death certificate and don’t tell me?”
Jim’s eyes widened in understanding and he leaned back into his pillow. He closed his eyes and she was shocked at how tired you are.
“Pam, can we talk about this later?” He whispered. “I’m really tired.”
“No! No! I’ve been just going along with this for far too long. I’ve been trying so hard to be here with you and do what you ask because I don’t want you to be in any more pain than you are. I get your lunch, I’ve slept here with you, and I’ve played so many games of scrabble I could scratch my eyes out but you don’t seem to see any of that!”
“Pam, that’s not it at all,” Jim said sadly. “I love you and I love what you have done for me but I’ve been suffering from this disease for years. I’m so tired. I’m tired of surgery, medication, and being so careful with everything. I’m just exhausted. I can’t stand the thought of waiting for someone else to die so that I can get their heart, which I may reject anyway. I just can’t do this anymore Pam. I want to die by my own terms, not waiting for something that may never happen.”
Pam stared at her boyfriend, vision blurring with tears.
“You’re a selfish bastard Jim Halpert,” She whispered, grabbing her purse and walking out of the room.
~*~
Pam looked down at her phone to see Jim’s name flash along with his number. Her thumb hovered over the talk button before quickly moving to press the end call button.
She sniffed and pulled her knees up to her chest. Pam watched as the screen darkened and stated that there was a voicemail. She pressed the play button and held it to her ear.
“Hey Pam,” Tears welled up in her eyes at how strained he sounded. “I’ve called probably thirty times and I haven’t been able to reach you, although I totally understand. I’ve been a jerk and I don’t know how to make this better. It’s just…Jesus…” His voice cracked and he paused. “I canceled my request, but I don’t know how high I am on the list. I never thought about how you or my family felt. I know I’ve hurt you and I don’t know how to fix this. I care about you so…”
Her breath caught in her throat when the voicemail beeped. Pam instantly hit the redial button and a soft smile spread across her face when he answered eagerly.
“Jim?” She breathed. “Did you really cancel the request?”
“Yes,” He said, sounding strained. “Please come back, I need to talk to you.”
“Jim,” She started slowly, heart beating harshly. “I don’t know.”
She had felt the ache of missing him and bit her lip. Pam had spent the night at the hospital for several days and even though it wasn’t the most comfortable place, she couldn’t stand the idea of being away from him for too long. Even work had become painful and she found herself worried that something would happen to him while she was gone.
“Please,” His voice cracked and tears came to her eyes. “I can’t stand it here a minute more without you.”
“I’ll be there in a minute,” She said and pressed the end call button. Taking a few deep breaths she grabbed her purse and went to her car.
~*~
“Pam,” Jim grinned brightly. He was alone in his room and looked absolutely exhausted.
She let out a soft sob and rushed to him, wrapping her arms around his neck and kissing him. They just stayed like that, holding each other, for a few moments.
“I’m so sorry,” He whispered. “God, I’m so sorry.”
“I know,” Pam whispered back, running her fingers through the hair at the back of his neck.
“Please stay,” Jim tightened his hold on her and she nodded. Jim scooted to the edge of the bed and helped Pam lay down next to him, pressed up against his hospital gown clad body.
Pam lay as still as she possibly could so she would not bump any wires or tubes accidentally.
“When I was nineteen I had a false alarm,” Jim whispered, closing his eyes. “We got the call that there was a heart available and my mom was so happy. I had my hospital bag and we got to the hospital, all ready to get the transplant. I was halfway through signing all the paperwork when they told me that the heart was diseased and it wasn’t available to be transplanted. I was sent back home.”
“I’m sorry,” She said, taking his hand in hers.
“My mom was devastated. All she did for days was cry and that really scared me. I came to a revelation the other day and got really freaked out. I didn’t want you to have to go through that. I know that it can take years for me to get a heart and I’ll get worse.” Jim started but Pam interrupted him with a kiss.
“I don’t care how long it takes,” She said smiling but his face remained serious.
“I do. How long are you going to stay in this hospital with me? Are you really going to come to this room and sleep here after work for years? You won’t be able to go to art school, which I know you want to do. If you want kids it might be too late and you’ll be stuck. I can’t live with that.” Jim’s eyes shone with tears.
“When you told me that you decided against the transplant I couldn’t stand the thought of you dying when something could be done. I didn’t want to stay here and watch you die, I would rather spend years waiting.” She ran her thumb over the back of his hand.
“I realized that when you left. I was in pain and didn’t want to suffer through another disappointment and more surgeries. I know f I get worse I could be put on a ventilator and I couldn’t stand the idea that you would have to watch as I got worse. I love you Pam. I love you and didn’t want you to waste your life waiting for me to get my heart,” He refused to look her in the eyes.
Pam watched him for a few moments before kissing him deeply.
“I love you too,” She whispered and pressed her forehead against his. “I will wait forever for you.”
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© 2006-2023 More Than That | Skin created by Kali