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I am a coward.

C-O-W-A-R-D.

Today I proved that a thousand times over and right now all I really want for Christmas is to disappear, to vanish from sight or maybe even from existence.  

Seriously, what was I thinking when I put that card in the box with her teapot? I couldn’t have been in my right mind when I allowed my heart to guide my pen instead of my head and my usually ever-present survival instinct. Did I honestly think that I could commit words like “love” and “care” and “want” and “hope” into permanent ink without permanent consequences? What was I thinking? Did I honestly think that she’d open up the card and leap into my arms, forsaking years of history with her fiance? Did I think she’d throw away her Brides’ magazines and wedding plans in exchange for my vague hopes for the future and a lame attempt at a joke at Dwight’s expense? Did I really believe that Hallmark could save me from my daily heartbreak at seeing her and wanting her but not being able to tell her?

I’m an idiot because for a little while, I did believe all of that.

I’m an idiot.

I’m also a coward. Because once I wrote that card…once I put into words everything I’ve been carrying around with me for years…once I did that, I tried to take it back.

Don’t think I didn’t hate myself…loathe myself, actually, as I casually snaked my hand into the box in order to take back what wasn’t really my right to offer in the first place.  My attempt was just another indication that I don’t deserve her…because she doesn’t deserve a coward…especially one who doesn’t even have the guts to stand behind what he wrote in a fucking Christmas Card.

Yeah, I’m a coward and an idiot, but that really should come as no surprise to me. I’ve spent years in this position…hiding how I feel…to afraid to make a change.

 I guess I just lost sight of reality in the flurry of excitement over drawing her name and finding the perfect gift.

What makes it all a thousand times worse is that when my hand reached into that box, all I felt was the cool side of the teapot and smooth cardboard box.  My heart sank as I realized what was missing…as I realized that I couldn’t take back what I had just resolved to.  I wanted to throw up, run away and pass out all at the same time and though that seems impossible, I almost managed to simultaneously achieve all three.  

In another bought of desperate, magical thinking, I tried to convince myself that I just couldn’t feel the card and needed more than a suave move to retrieve it.

Though I’m sure she could see through my desperation, I somehow lured her into the conference room with the promise of more punch and then excused myself to try to get a better look at the package sitting behind her desk.

I lifted the teapot out of the box, searched inside of it and even shook it,  thinking that maybe the card had gotten caught or camouflaged…both were white…it was possible. The clammy sweat on my brow and the sick feeling in my gut confirmed what I knew. The card was gone.

She knew…or would know when she got around to reading it.

For all of my usual ability to plan pranks and hijinks, I’m at a loss for how to fix this. I don’t know how to get the card back or determine if she’s read it or deal with the fact that that I’ve exposed myself in the worst possible way with words that I wanted to…but really didn’t want to share with her.

She’s got the card.

And I’m an idiot.

And also a coward.

A big one.

Merry Fucking Christmas.

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Shrute Farms Daily Log

Date:   December 21, 2005

Stardate:  207299.1

Moon Phase:  New Moon

Health Status:

                Dwight:  Health Excellent as usual.
                 Mose:  Rash is starting to clear up. He needs to man up and learn to lance his own boils.

Animals:  All are well except Mule #4 needs an attitude adjustment. I had to threaten him with extermination if he doesn’t start working harder.

Fields:  Dormant

Woke up at 4:30 a.m.

Did German Army calisthenics for one hour. I now have the strength of a black bear in heat.

Ate breakfast (1/3 small ham, bacon, potatoes, sauerkraut, toast with rhubarb-beet jelly.) 

Arrived at work at the usual time before other subpar salesmen.

Made four significant sales.

Assisted with office Christmas party. Though resources were limited, Michael created a festive and appropriate celebration.  I do not personally need to celebrate these pagan rituals like most, but I understand that it raises office moral. (NOTE: When I am RM, my employees will spend the day before the winter holiday standing outside in the snow. THAT will raise moral and weed out the weaklings. Shrutes have excellent body insulation).

 In order to show my loyalty to Michael, I helped facilitate the gift exchange and took part in it.  I originally received a neti pot that  I was very pleased with, but ended up trading Pam Beesly for an iPod. Stupid woman!

Interesting development on the personal front.  More later after I figure it out.

Arrived home at 8:30 and was surprised that Mose had completed all chores.

Wrote in journal for ½ hour.

Projected bedtime at 10:15

Phyllis Lapin, enemy #5: Need to investigate Phyllis’ use of knitting needles. She crafted a very poor looking oven mitt and obviously is not as skilled at the craft as she has let on.  Could she be carrying sharpened needles for some other purpose?

Jim Halpert, enemy #1: The teapot came with something very interesting. Needless to say, I now know a VERY important secret about Jim Halpert. I need to determine how best to use that to my advantage.