Jim went back to work the following Monday morning.
Pam was losing her mind by Monday night.
Jim unlocked the front door and was instantly greeted with the sound of wailing. For being such a little thing, Olivia had an amazing set of lungs. She wasn’t even a week old, and yet she had already mastered the art of garnering attention.
Jim found his wife and daughter in the master bedroom; Pam’s face was stained with tears, matching Liv’s. Both were rosy-cheeked and looked absolutely miserable. At first Pam couldn’t even speak, her shoulders shuddering with each attempt at breathing through her sobs.
“Pam…” Jim gently lifted the screaming infant from his wife’s arms and she sank down on the bed, sighing in relief though the tears continued. Olivia’s wails were not quieted as Jim held her close, murmuring in her ear with that deep voice that Pam loved so dearly. Olivia was red-faced, screaming bloody-murder, until finally Jim’s ministrations began to work their magic. He rubbed her back, supporting her head and neck with the other hand, pacing slowly back and forth across the room as Pam dried her own tears, taking deep breaths to slow her racing heart.
“Jim, it was awful, I just…” Pam paused. There was no way she could finish that sentence without admitting what she’d been afraid of in the final months of her pregnancy. Jim would hate her for it; he would take Olivia and leave and that would the end of it, Pam was sure. She just couldn’t handle that.
With Olivia quieted for the time being, Jim moved toward the bed and sat down beside Pam, the infant still cradled securely in his arms. Her breath hitched as she too calmed down, but Liv still whimpered softly.
“It’s okay Pam, everything’s okay.” Jim kissed her temple as Pam leaned against him for support, her eyes welling up again with fresh tears. “It’s okay.”
Pam struggled to find the words, to make Jim understand that he was wrong and nothing was going to be okay ever again, but she couldn’t. “Jim, it’s…we just…this was a mistake!” Pam finally blurted out, her hand immediately covering her mouth.
Jim reacted exactly as Pam expected him to, with shock. “What’re you talking about? What’s a mistake?”
“I can’t do this,” she replied sadly, her eyes unable to meet his persistent stare. Instead Pam looked down at her hands as large tears splashed down her cheeks into her lap. “I don’t know why I thought I could…I’ve never been good with kids and…and my own baby hates me! She cried all day, Jim, and I was so scared…I didn’t know…”
“Olivia does not hate you, Pam. She doesn’t. Hey, look at me.” Jim shifted Liv into one arm so he could free up his other to comfort his wife, turning her chin so their eyes finally met. He hugged her tightly and kissed her again. “Pam, this is all going to take some getting-used-to, for both of us. And for her too.”
“I know…but I…I was scared…” Pam looked down again, new rivulets of tears leaking from her eyes.
“Of what?”
“Of Olivia…of myself…I couldn’t make her stop crying…I tried everything. Nothing worked…I tried feeding her, changing her, nothing…and the whole time I was thinking…” Pam paused, her breath catching in her throat.
“Thinking what?”
“I didn’t want her, Jim!” Pam began sobbing uncontrollably once again, burying her face in her hands, hunching over until her forehead rested against her knees. Though her voice was muffled, Jim could still understand every word. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry!”
“Pam…please…” Jim’s voice was soft, and he gently rubbed Pam’s back in much the same way he’d done with Liv to calm her down minutes earlier. “It’s okay that you felt that way. It’s okay, Pam…”
She sat up then, pushing the hair back from her face. “Stop saying that! It’s not okay! It’s not…” Pam trailed off when Olivia stirred and began crying again in Jim’s arms.
Jim was at a loss for one of the first times in his married life. Usually he had all the answers, he could make everything right again. But now between Pam’s meltdown and Olivia’s wails, Jim had no idea what to do.
“Make her stop Jim, please…make her stop…” Pam was pacing the floor then, her eyes pleading with him in tune with her voice.
“Stay here,” Jim ordered, his voice rough on Pam’s ears. She shrank back away from him as Jim took Olivia from their room and headed down the hall to the nursery. All while he was gone, Pam wrung her hands until they were nearly raw. She knew she should have kept her mouth shut because now he was gone and he didn’t love her anymore all because of this tiny little person that Pam had wanted more than anything. But then reality hit, the being home alone all day, figuring it out on her own and for a brief time Pam suddenly didn’t want Olivia anymore. The minutes ticked by slowly, and each moment he was gone, Pam was convinced life as she knew it was over. That is, until she felt a strong hand on her shoulder and suddenly there Jim was, concern written all over his face.
“I’m so sorry Jim, I just…” Pam didn’t know how she would explain her momentary lapse in sanity. She felt awful for saying and thinking the things she had expressed and she wished she could take it all back. “Is she sleeping?”
“You don’t have to apologize, but I’m worried about you. Olivia’s asleep, she’s okay, you’re going to be okay too.” Jim pulled Pam to his chest, holding her tightly against him and murmuring into her hair. “I love you, Pam, okay? And I’ll stay home tomorrow, stay home the rest of the week if I have to, and we’ll figure this out together, just like we always do.”
Pam nodded against him, the last of her tears drying in his shirt. Her voice was soft, so soft he almost didn’t hear her reply. “Yeah…yes, please…”
“You need to sleep, Pam. You’re tired, worn out…everything will look differently tomorrow, I promise.” Jim didn’t let go; he kept his arms wrapped tightly around his wife’s shivering body until she agreed.
“Sleep would be good, I feel like I haven’t slept in days…”
He let her go then, and Pam curled up on the bed, her eyes closed almost before her head even hit the pillow. “I love you too, Jim…and you’re right, everything will be better tomorrow…”
As Jim sat on the edge of the bed watching her sleep, he hoped that was true.
