Author's Chapter Notes:
Thank you to JamJunkie14 for having patience with me, and for letting me get past last week’s giddiness before diving back into the angst. Also, thank you all for your wonderful reviews. I truly appreciate them.
Disclaimer: I own no part of this show or these characters. Especially Roy. No infringement is intended.
Going Down for the Third Time in a Sea of Tulle
She couldn’t sleep. Roy’s mouth hung open as his snores filled the room. On any other night, she’d be listening carefully, waiting to hear if the window panes actually shook in their frames. On any other night, she’d nudge him gently or not-so-gently, trying to get him to roll over. On any other night, she’d get up and go to the couch. But that night, she did none of those things. She didn’t trust herself to be able to get up and walk away. Her legs were wobbly, as if she had gotten her sea legs under her, but now she can’t manage solid ground.
Solid ground. Pam felt as is the ground had been ripped out from under her. She twisted the ring on her finger as she stared up at the ceiling. The light from the streetlights seeped in around the narrow slats of the vinyl blinds, rippling like waves across the wall and ceiling. How could she stand up when her best friend had cut her off at the knees? How could she sleep that night, this night, the night when Roy had finally given in and set a date; the night when Jim had said that he was in love with her. In love. So in love. So in love, that he couldn’t keep his mouth shut anymore. So in love, that he’d save her first if the ship were going down. But was he really trying to save her, or was he pulling her under with him?
Roy snorted and shifted in bed, flinging one arm up over his head and jamming his elbow into her ear. Pam moved to the edge of the bed and rolled onto her side; staring at the man she had said she’d spend her life with. June 10th loomed large on the horizon now. Somehow, in the last four hours, she had gone from being cast adrift to having safe harbor in sight. The only question was, should she anchor herself to Roy and the life she had always planned to have, or does she weigh anchor and set sail on the high seas with Jim, not knowing if she’d ever reach the comfort of solid ground again.
There was comfort in knowing how things were going to be. Adventure isn’t always what it’s cracked up to be. She knew exactly how Roy would be when they stepped off of The Princess and onto the dock. She knew he’d lean heavily on her as they made their way to the truck, that he’d be shouting parting jibes with Darryl and the other guys from the warehouse across the parking lot, she knew that he’d be too drunk to drive, she knew that his hands would be all over her as she tried to maneuver him into their bedroom, and she knew that if she resisted just long enough, he’d give up and simply pass out, punctuating the night that they finally set a date with loud snores and drunken grunts. She knew he’d be surly and hungover in the morning, somehow blaming her for the night’s excesses, and complaining throughout the drive to work. What she didn’t know, was if he really meant it. She didn’t know if June 10th turn into ‘Well, sometime in June…’ only to morph into, ‘Definitely this year…’ and then ‘Soon, Babe, we’ll get married soon…’ just as it has before. Twice before, in fact.
Everyone had been so happy for them. Well, almost everyone. But what they didn’t know was that this was the third date they had set. Roy was nothing if not predictable. Once a year, he’d dangle a date in front of her, knowing that she would latch onto it and hang on for dear life. The only difference was that this time he had stood at a microphone in front of everyone they know and announced this one. That was what she was banking on. She had witnesses, a boatload of them. This time, he wouldn’t be able to play it off that June 10th was just some crazy date she had stuck in her head for no reason. This time, other people would know if he reneged.
People would know. Jim would know. If I had you, I wouldn’t ask you to marry me and then put you off for three years; I’d marry you right away. If I were engaged to you, it wouldn’t take six snorkel shots and some cock and bull story from Captain Jack to get me to set a date. She knew it was true, he wouldn’t wait. He wouldn’t put her off time and time again. Jim Halpert may not be the world’s most motivated guy in most respects, but when he makes up his mind, when he wants something bad enough, he’ll do everything that he can to make it happen. Was that what this was? Was this yogurt foil lids attached to paperclip chains? Had he just decided that now was the time; that he couldn’t wait any more? Or was it an impulse? How long had he felt this way? How did I not see it? Did he just make up his mind tonight? Did he suddenly look up and say to himself, ‘Oh, I think I love Pam.’? No. No, this wasn’t an impulse or something that suddenly popped into his head. She knew Jim well enough to know that. In love, he said. So in love with you that I don’t know what to do.
I don’t know what to do either, she admitted only to herself. What am I supposed to do with that? But his voice broke when he said it, slicing right into her heart. And his eyes; those earnest green eyes boring into her, asking her to help him, asking her to save him. He was drowning, and she was the only one who could save him. Pam sighed and held out her hand, staring at the ring that had sat unadorned on her finger for too long. She wondered if this hand was strong enough to hold onto him, no matter what happened. Could she love Jim? Pam already knew the answer to that, because she knew that she already did. Could she marry Roy and still love Jim? Could she be in love with Jim? Pam felt a twinge low in her gut, and turned to look at Roy’s oh-so-familiar profile once more. Could she love Jim enough to take that leap? Could she just jump in and swim and swim, hoping that she’d make it to shore? Hoping that he’d be the one to rescue her if she couldn’t?
I would save you first. But after he saved her, what then?
Pam raised her arm, holding her hand up to the slats of light that striped the wall above their bed. Roy’s snores grew louder as the small diamond winked in the soft yellow glow from the streetlights, and for a moment, she wondered if it was laughing at her.
****
The debate over calling in sick that morning had raged for hours. A part of him wanted to curl up on his bed and pretend that it had never happened, that he had never said those things, that he hadn’t poured his heart out all over the deck of The Princess. But, another part of him wouldn’t let him take it lying down. He had done it, he had said it, and now it was out there, floating around on the murky waters of Lake Wallenpaupack. And that part of him didn’t want to take those words back. They were the truth, and the truth was the truth, no matter what. Jim tightened his grip on the steering wheel and slowed as he prepared to turn into the parking lot of the Scranton Business Park. No, he wasn’t going to hide. He wouldn’t run away anymore. He was going to go in there and do his job. After all, nothing had really changed. He was in love with Pam, just as he was yesterday and the day before. She was engaged to Roy, just as she was yesterday and the day before. The only difference was, he wasn’t about to give up. Never, ever, ever give up. Damn that Michael. Damn Successories. Damn Winston Churchill. Damn, this was going to be hard, he told himself as he slammed the car door behind him.
**
Hard didn’t begin to describe it. Somehow, he had managed to walk through that door, just as he always did. Somehow, he had managed to smile and greet her, just as he always did. Somehow, he had managed to sling his messenger bag and jacket over the back of his chair, lower himself into it, and turn his computer on. So far, so good.
And then Kelly came in.
“Oh my God, Pam!” she gushed as she sprinted through the door with an armload of magazines. “I saw the perfect dress for you. It’s in one of these,” she said as she dropped a stack of thick bridal magazines onto the reception desk. “I can’t remember which one, but I do remember seeing it and thinking ‘Pam would like this.’ It’s not really my taste, the neck was really high and it didn’t have a panel cut out of the back or anything… Oh, and there may have been a bow on the butt, but you can have that taken off. Unless you like butt bows. Do you like butt bows?” she demanded.
“Um, no,” Pam said as she scowled at the stack.
“You can ignore the post it notes, I just like to mark the ones that I like for future reference.” As if powered by a homing device, Kelly’s head whipped around as the door opened, and her face lit with a smile. “Hi, Ryan,” she cooed.
“Hi,” Ryan grunted as he ducked his head and hurried past her to his desk.
Kelly turned back to the reception desk and refocused all of her energies on Pam. “Okay! June 10th is not that far away, so we need to get cracking. Have you chosen your bridesmaids? I saw a fabulous bridesmaid dress in one of these,” she enthused as she began shuffling through the stack of magazines. “It would look incredible on me, I mean, on anyone…”
Jim tuned her out as he shifted in his seat, but still could not resist glancing up. Their eyes locked, and Pam’s lips tilted into a wry little half smile as Kelly rambled on about colors, and which colors would be the most flattering to Pam and to herself. Jim couldn’t help but smile as he tuned back in long enough to hear Kelly say, “So what do you think? Coral is good, right? A summer wedding, it’s bright and cheerful, but still warm. It would make you look not so pale, and I rock in coral. Not that it matters, I mean, I just think it’s so cool that the color would work for both of us.” Pam’s eyes lit with laughter, and as always, he found himself captivated. That is, until Kelly asked, “What’s Roy’s favorite color?” and the spell was broken.
Jim stood up, feeling Pam’s eyes on him as he headed for the break room. “Pam?” he heard Kelly prod as the door swung shut behind him, mercifully cutting off Pam’s answer.
He stood in front of the vending machines and pulled his wallet from his back pocket, studying the selections for what he hoped would be the duration of Kelly’s wedding planning dissertation. He tapped his wallet against the palm of his hand, staring at the coils that held honeybuns and donette gems, and wishing that he had stayed in bed. He hadn’t factored in the female population of the office’s fixation on all things bridal. By lunchtime, the break room would be converted into a war room and anyone without an addiction to lace had better steer clear. Jim fed a dollar into the slot and jabbed the buttons. He watched as the honeybun he didn’t even want plummeted to the bottom, and felt its thud deep down in his gut.
Oscar pushed through the door and sent Jim a small smile of greeting as he carried his travel mug to the coffee maker. “Good day to go out for lunch,” he commented as Jim retrieved his default breakfast from the machine.
Jim nodded as he straightened up. “I was just thinking that my sandwich would make a good dinner.”
“Chili’s?” Oscar asked, quirking an eyebrow.
Jim nodded, unable to hide his smile as he realized that Oscar had unwittingly chosen the one place where he’d be safe from all things Pam. “Sounds good.”
“I’ll alert the rest of the guys,” Oscar said with a nod as he opened the door to leave.
****
Pam sat at a table in the break room flanked by Kelly and Phyllis, and holding her cup of yogurt in her lap. The surface was littered with open bridal magazines as Phyllis took copious notes on every little thing on which Pam had indicated even the slightest preference. They ignored her half-hearted attempts to evade the planning process, blithely disregarding her protests that she and her mom would be doing the planning, and that she hadn’t even really had time to think about anything yet.
“Sweetie, are you trying to tell me that you and Roy have been together for ten years, engaged for three of those, and that you haven’t even thought about your wedding?” Phyllis asked with a laugh.
“No, I mean, I haven’t really had a chance to think about, you know, a wedding on June 10th, the church, the hall…” Pam trailed off lamely.
“There’d better be an open bar,” Meredith said as she emerged from the ladies room, adjusting her panty lines.
Even though Angela was seated at another table with her back to them, Pam could almost see her roll her eyes. “It’s the ceremony that’s important. A wedding is a solemn occasion,” she said stiffly.
“Yours will be,” Meredith grumbled as she retrieved her lunch from the refrigerator. “For the rest of us, a wedding means an open bar and the chance to score.” She turned to Pam and asked, “Does Roy have any hot friends? Not the guys from the warehouse, been there, done that, I even have a t-shirt,” she said with a smug smile.”
“Ooh! A chocolate fountain! You have to have a chocolate fountain,” Kelly said excitedly. “My cousin had one at her wedding. Of course, I wasn’t dating Ryan then, but this time, I’d have a delicious boy to feed those delicious chocolate dipped strawberries to…” she said in a dreamy voice.
“Have you thought about invitations?” Phyllis asked, getting down to business again. “One of my clients is a printer, I can set you up.”
“Oh, okay, good,” Pam murmured as she stirred her yogurt and nodded absently.
She frowned as she looked through the blinds at the deserted office; wondering where the guys had gone for lunch, wondering what had tempted Jim away from his beloved ham and cheese. She hadn’t seen Roy since they parked the truck that morning. As expected, he’d been sore and surly, hardly uttering a word that morning except to complain about only having one clean uniform shirt hanging in the closet.
“And make sure Roy goes with the necktie and vest for his tuxedo. No one wears the bow tie and cummerbund anymore,” Kelly said, curling her lip derisively.
“Got it,” Phyllis said as she made a note on her legal pad.
“I like a classic tuxedo on a man,” Angela mused without turning around.
“James Bond,” Meredith agreed with an emphatic nod.
“Hey, did you hear that they cast a new Bond?” Kelly said as she looked up from the magazine she had been scouring. “Hot! The guy is sooooo hot!”
“I liked Pierce Brosnan,” Phyllis said in an injured tone.
“Too old,” Kelly said dismissively. “I mean, he is hot for an old guy, but this guy… I saw his picture in People.”
Meredith smirked and muttered, “Her bible.”
“She’d be better off to read The Bible,” Angela snapped as she stood up and gathered the remains of her lunch, dumping it into the trash before storming from the room.
Meredith looked up from her sandwich and said, “And that’s the way you get rid of Blondie.”
Pam jumped as she looked up and saw Roy peering through the window, motioning for her to come out. “I’ll be right back,” she murmured as she edged her yogurt cup onto the table.
“Watch out! Don’t get that on my In Style Weddings!” Kelly gasped as she pulled her magazines to safety.
“Aw, look at them,” Phyllis sighed as she saw Pam hurry to meet Roy.
Kelly turned to look and then frowned as she asked, “How much of that beer belly do you think he can lose before the wedding?”
**
“Hey,” Pam said as she stepped out of the break room.
“Hey, what’s going on in there?” Roy asked.
Pam smiled wanly and said, “Oh, you know, wedding planning.”
Rory nodded and then took her elbow, pulling her toward the conference room. “Pammy, about the wedding…” he began.
Pam stiffened and crossed her arms over her chest protectively. “What about it?”
“Well, I realized today that June 10th doesn’t give you much time to plan.”
“It’s five months away, that’s plenty of time,” she said cautiously.
“Yeah, but don’t you want to have lots of time to plan every little thing that you want?” he cajoled. “Maybe we should wait, get married next June,” he suggested.
“Next June,” she repeated flatly. “You want to postpone the wedding to next June.”
“I just want to make sure that we’re ready, I mean, everything is just how you want it,” he said with an encouraging nod.
“Just what I want,” she said slowly.
“Exactly. We don’t have to be in any hurry, right? We’ve waited this long, we can wait until everything is perfect,” he said with a decisive nod.
“Perfect,” she muttered as she lowered her hands to her sides and clenched her fists.
“Great! Well, I have to get back down there,” he said as he began backing out of the conference room. “Lots of paper to load,” he added before he turned and fled for the safety of the warehouse door.
Pam stared blankly at the empty doorway. “What a load,” she whispered. The anger bubbled up inside of her as she heard Jim’s voice cracking with long suppressed emotion. If I had you, I wouldn’t ask you to marry me and then put you off for three years; I’d marry you right away. If I were engaged to you, it wouldn’t take six snorkel shots and some cock and bull story from Captain Jack to get me to set a date. She blinked rapidly as tears of anger filled her eyes. We’ve waited this long... We’ve waited this long, Roy’s words taunted her. “What a load shit,” she said aloud as she hurried for the warehouse door.
Pam opened the heavy door and made a beeline for the stairs. She made it down the first three before she heard Roy guffaw and call out, “Dodged the bullet again, boys!” as he slapped someone’s hand. She froze, her hand tightening on the rail until her knuckles turned white.
“You are the master,” one of the warehouse guys said with a laugh.
Pam’s cheeks flamed as her tears of anger turned into tears of humiliation. She turned and crept silently back up the steps. She pushed through the door and gulped a steadying breath as she swiped at her eyes with the heels of her hands. The door latch caught, echoing loudly in the back hallway as she tried to calm herself.
She smoothed her hands over her skirt, straightened her shoulders and whispered to herself, “Dodged a bullet.” Pam Beesly walked sedately back to the break room, let the door swing wide as she strode to the table littered with bridal propaganda, and began stacking the magazines.
“Hey, we haven’t gotten to those yet,” Kelly objected.
Phyllis looked up from her legal pad in surprise, and then her brow furrowed as she saw the resolute set of Pam’s jaw. “Everything okay, Sweetie?” she asked cautiously as she placed her pen on top of the pad.
Pam offered the stack of magazines to Kelly, who looked up at her blankly. Her engagement ring caught the light, and Pam knew without a doubt that it was laughing its ass off. She placed the stack carefully on top of the open magazine Kelly had been perusing and said quietly, “Thanks anyway, but I won’t be needing these.”
tbc
