In the last two weeks, Pam had started to hoard things. Just little things at first. It had begun with an advert for a new still life art class at a college just over an hour away. It seemed different to anything on offer at Scranton Community College and she had eventually worked out on her route finder that she could make it there in time if she left straight from work each week. It would mean not getting home in time to cook Roy’s dinner, but by then she didn’t care about that.
But the hoarding had gotten worse. Wherever Pam went she started to gather things. An advert for a new art exhibition. Apartment listings from the newspaper. A flyer for a removal service. A phone number for a new hairdressers that Karen had left on her desk. A travel brochure on New York because she’d always wanted to go there. Discount vouchers for Wallmart. An information guide on how to cancel a joint account that she’d just happened to pick up from the bank.
It got so bad that the bits of paper were eventually everywhere. Her office. Her handbag. Under her pillow.
So today, she had finally decided to grab a plastic wallet from the store cupboard and put all the papers inside it. She grinned as she shoved the papers of all shape and sizes into it and grabbed a sticky label. She hesitated when she went to write on it, struggling to find words that summed up its contents and what they meant to her. She settled on ‘Pam’s things.’
She knew that what she wanted to call it was ‘Pam’s things to start a new life with Jim.’ But she hadn’t told him yet. She hadn’t told him anything since that night.
She was waiting, waiting until it was time to leave, waiting until she was ready to tell him ‘I’m in.’ And she knew she could, knew that she could wait.
It wasn’t like he was going anywhere.
*********************
His kisses were getting more and more comfortable, Karen though as Jim kissed her good night. And she meant this in a good way. She could feel his neck relaxing a little more each time he leaned it and it seemed now that the kisses were about enjoyment, passion, pleasure. That night they had seemed to be about desperation and loneliness, but then she had been lonely too.
Deep down, what she really wanted was for the kisses to be about love, but she could settle for passion and pleasure. For now.
He ended his kiss and enveloped her in a hug. “I had a nice time” he said, his voice gruff and low, and for once she felt like she didn’t have to convince herself he meant it, because it really seemed like he did.
She grinned “me too, I really did Halpert.”
It wasn’t until he was halfway down the path that she suddenly shouted out. “I want to tell someone Jim, it doesn’t matter who.”
He turned around, for a moment his expression was frozen.
She shrugged “I need to tell someone” she said, softer this time, as he walked towards her, “I need to feel like this is real.”
She watched him, his eyes focused towards the ground, his feet gently kicking a few stones out of his way. She wanted him to say that it was real to him and that was all that mattered. She wanted him to say they could tell anyone and everyone. She wanted him to say they could tell Pam.
But she knew that wasn’t going to happen. Considering the fact that Jim hadn’t talked to Pam for over two weeks. Jim had talked to her. Pam had talked to her. But neither would talk to her about each other. And she had no idea why. Well at least, she told herself that.
He grabbed her hand and looked into her eyes “This is as real as I can be Karen, I am trying to be real. I really like you Karen, I do really like you.”
“Then why aren’t you talking to Pam?” she blurted, before she had chance to think. But she was desperate to know something, anything.
“You know why really, don’t you Karen. She’s your friend too. But I am trying Karen,” his voice pleaded and he sounded almost exhausted. “I am giving you everything I can give you. I am doing everything I can do. This is all I have for now.”
She kissed him hard and let her hands run themselves roughtly through his hair. “Okay” she said gently in between kisses, “okay.”
She told herself again that this was enough for now. But that was mainly because she had ran out of things to tell herself.
*******************
Jim decided to park his car a little further from his apartment tonight. He needed to walk, to feel the sharp wind in his face, to feel his feet pounding on the pavement.
Why did it feel like he was hurting everyone whatever action he took? He and Pam had not spoken since that night. He knew deep down that the best friend Jim role he had carefully constructed could not have lasted past that night, that it was bound to slip, whether he had told or not.
He knew deep down he had in some way wanted to kiss Karen that night, regardless of what feelings it was out of, and if he had turned her down the day after or carried on dating her he was always going to keep hurting her.
The truth was he really did like Karen. He hadn’t lied to her when he told her he had a good time. He hadn’t had to force the pleasant feeling associated with their kiss. He hadn’t had to pretend that he was trying, because he really was.
She just wasn’t Pam.
He let himself into his apartment and crashed down on his double bed. He slipped his feet out of sneakers and shut his eyes. He couldn’t help but feel that there was no right answer to this one.
After a few minutes of quiet contemplation, he stretched his arm underneath the bed and tried to reach out for the folder. It didn't take him long to find it. He sat up and flicked through the bundle of papers inside. Job advertisements. Holiday brochures. A guide for 30 things to do before your 30. A pamphlet from a local University for a degree in Journalism. Apartment listings in New York. 3 Bedroom house listings in Scranton. Life Insurance forms. Torn out pictures of Plasma TV’s from a catalogue.
He had kept this folder for years now, some of the papers were old, some more recent, but he hadn't looked at it for a few weeks.
The label on the front read ‘Jim’s things for starting a new life with Pam’ but after he noticed it, Jim quickly picked it off with his fingernail. He didn’t replace it. Truth was he didn’t know what it should read.
He picked up 'A guide for 30 things to do before your thirty' and read it slowly. The more he read, the more he was beginning to think maybe the folder should be renamed, ’Jim’s things to start a new life by itself.’
Surely it would be easier that way.
There was only so much planning you could make for a new life until you finally had to start living it.
He had to be more.
More than a pile of papers.
Author's Chapter Notes:
The more I think about the story, the more I change my mind on where it will go. I think this one is going to be a slow burner, I can see it having 10 or so chapters as I really want to reach a place where everyone is happy, not neccesarily equally, but sorted in their lives, and that doesn't seem possible yet! So don't expect everything to be wrapped up in a nice bow in the next chapter! Would be so grateful for any reviews I recieve.
Chapter End Notes:
Hope you enjoyed the chapter and pls pls review, I really appreciate it! Will stop the shameless begging now!
I am so not sure where this is going yet, but I feel that Jim needs to find himself a little before anything gets resolved. Just not sure how he'll do that!!
I am so not sure where this is going yet, but I feel that Jim needs to find himself a little before anything gets resolved. Just not sure how he'll do that!!
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