His inhalation is sharp as the large, oak crested doors creek open and the organ’s cavernous tone engulfs him. At first he can’t bear to look at her – he can’t imagine the ache that would follow. Then he just can’t. He already knows she will embody the most beautiful sight in the world.
But when he sees her, with her father at her side, he stops breathing. His eyes fill with tears. His cheeks flush white. His hands grow warm. His heart skips a beat and his existence is on the verge of collapsing.
Her auburn locks are loose on her shoulders as a delicate, crystal tiara and veil rest upon them. He is used to seeing her hair pulled back, limited by a barrette, but under the sheer veil her curls are full and defined, dancing off her shoulder.
Every nerve ending on his body is buzzing as her eyes meet his. His eyes are wide, his lips parted, his brows furrowed. Her porcelain skin and ruby lips purse when her eyes meet his and suddenly he has an urge to tell her everything. He wants to explain how much her smile and kind welcoming meant to him on his first day at Dunder Mifflin. He wants to explain that her laugh on any given Friday afternoon was the only thing that kept him from giving up. He wants to explain that his actions at the casino party weren’t a result of alcohol but of his need to know and feel. He wants to explain that he regrets all he has done in his life up until this moment because everything he is equals nothing because of the disappointment he feels today.
She looks away, just as the organ bellows a long, bottomless note and he feels empty, as if her glance stole any sliver of soul he had left.
It has been said that the way a groom looks at his bride as she walks down the isle is one of the purest things in the world. But Jim looks at Roy and is almost insulted in the way that Roy’s lackluster gaze could not even compare to the storm inside of Jim’s veins.
Her dress is gorgeous – absolutely stunning – as she slowly walks past him, closer to the inevitability of their relationship’s end. It is obvious that she had spent a fortune on it. Vera Wang, he guesses, but only because he doesn’t know of any other wedding gown designer. The white material shimmers as it glides across the floor. It is sleeveless – he has never seen that much of her skin.
Suddenly, Roy and Pam are at the altar together – Pam has happiness written across her lips and Roy has an expression of let’s just get this over with. Jim stares at them, together, and wonders if he could have changed her mind.
Their ending was real this time. Not a dreamt-up, unwritten ending that he thought they could have. Not a false daydream he wove into something bigger. This – this was the ending; a perfect blend of anguish, incongruity, and a smattering of pain to make it worth it.
He loses her and a part of himself as words are exchanged between the priest, Pam and Roy. But he keeps reminding himself that she was worth it.
He gazes at her perpetually as she stands at the altar, her hands in Roy’s, and begs himself not to cry. He’s afraid Michael is going to start poking at him because he’s remained motionless and emotionless for the entirety of the ceremony. He wishes he could sit alone, sans Michael, who plopped next to him before the ceremony began (“Jimbo, my best buddy. Mind if I pop a squat?”). But it’s not the fact that Michael is sitting next to him – it doesn’t matter who. He sees her wedding as a personal event and one of utmost poignancy. It marks the end of an important part of his life and he’d rather share it with no one.
And then, without warning, their ending begins.
“I, Pamela Morgan, take you, Roy, to by my lawfully wedded husband, my constant friend, my faithful partner and my love from this day forward,” vows Pam, her voice just over a whisper.
He doesn’t know whether to run away or scream or cry or all three. He could be those things. He has been a constant friend, a faithful partner, and was her love from this day and before. He was everything she wanted and it hurt him to know that his relationship with Pam was just another naïve, nonsensical crush when he had all the hope in the world that it wasn’t.
“I, Roy, take you, Pamela Morgan, to be my wife, my partner in life and my one true love. I will cherish our union and love you more each day than I did the day before. I will trust you and respect you, laugh with you and cry with you, loving you faithfully through good times and bad, regardless of the obstacles we may face together,” says Roy, without cherishing each word like Pam did.
Jim and Pam faced countless obstacles together, especially considering the fact that any day with Michael and Dwight was one. Throughout them all, he remained her partner in crime; he cherished her, respected her, and laughed with her until each day’s end. And unbeknownst to Pam, he loved her more each day than he did the day before.
Rings are exchanged and the dreaded I do’s commence as well as their first kiss (which he swears was not nearly as romantic and passionate and flawless as the one they shared in the Dunder Mifflin parking lot) and with each breath, he feels like collapsing. His insides bubble with his last surge of passion for the woman of his dreams and he finally allows defeat to wash over him. The regret throughout him is irrevocable yet expected.
As Pam and Roy turn from the altar and proceed down the isle, surrounded by smiling faces and flowing tears from their friends and loved ones, he realizes that he has never been afraid of happy endings. He’s just been afraid that his wouldn’t work out the way he had planned. He always expected to have some sort of happy ending, complete with a smile and a blissful feeling. He knew he would have one, one way or another. But today, as Pam’s eyes meet his for the last time as she walks toward her future with Roy, he realizes that he is afraid; Pam was the only ending his life could possibly have that would make his existence worthwhile.
Author's Chapter Notes:
None of them are mine but wish they were! No harm intended - just for fun.
Chapter End Notes:
More coming soon!
