Dwight
1. He had a pet bear as a child.
Really, how else would he know so much about their habits? When he was just a junge, Mother allowed him to go to the forest, to prove his worth as a man (as all men ought to do). While spending the night in a cave, he came upon a small cub. He named it Adolfo, and brought him home the next week. Adolfo was his best friend. They ran in the east field, wrestled next to the pond, and he even would go outside to eat his meals with his hairy friend. When he was twelve, he bleached Adolfo’s tail, and his own long hair blonde, as a sign of solidarity. Eventually, Adolfo grew too large, the playful wrestling turned into painful fights, running became chasing, and Dwight feared that he would become the meal. At the orders of the village, he released his best friend into the wild, and quickly began to study the lives and ways of the greatest beast.
2. He isn’t religious.
Statistically, it doesn’t add up. Who could possibly hear the calls of 6 billion people simultaneously calling to them? Besides Jack Bauer of course….
The idea of “God” answering prayers and creating miracles is laughable. What about the time he asked for a Battlestar Galactica theme for his birthday, and instead he got a beet party? People have clearly invented religion for themselves to feel safe during floods and earthquakes, and this so-called “Holocaust”. Whatever. Dwight Schrute does not need religion to feel safe.
He pretended for Angela though.
3. He got into Harvard.
Harvard Law, specifically. He only applied in order to bring the idiots who kept stealing his father’s hemp to justice. After a while, he realized just how much was wrong with the world, and the things he could do with a law degree. Who else would sue Erin Brokovich for being annoying? He got in, and was planning to go to Massachusetts when he realized the one thing that he could not bring with him: his beets. Where in the Boston suburbs is there room for a beet farm? And later, God willing, a quaint B&B? After hours of careful deliberation, he decided to decline his acceptance. It was hard, but he had to do what was right. Years later he realized that he could never be a lawyer; he needs to live for himself, off the land his grandfather had cared for. He was so glad he picked paper sales and agro-tourism.
4. He loves Frasier.
It is the only sitcom on television that he will watch. Seinfeld, Friends, Sex and the City? Only idiots watch those shows. He bets Jim watches each one every night.
Dwight doesn’t tell people about his love of the spin-off, however. Sitcoms, even the best ones, are for weaklings who can’t handle the real-life intensity of Mantracker. Frasier is smart, funny and always seems to get himself into the most hilarious situations. His favourite character is Daphne, Martin’s caregiver (even though she’s more then a bit stupid). Dwight likes to think of himself as a caregiver, always providing safety and food and warmth. The one person he’s ever really cared for has always seemed to appreciate that. If Dwight wasn’t such a good farmer, he could see himself in Seattle, perhaps hosting a radio show. The trees, the rain, the proximity to Canada. He thinks Adolfo may have gone to Canada. He may or may not have heard of a bear (with a peculiar blonde tail), that was so comfortable around humans that it had killed several people in downtown Vancouver...
5. He was in love.
Dwight Schrute has never admitted that. Except to one person. Love isn’t something that happens in the Schrute family very much. More often then not, marriages were based on land, rivalries, or beets. Dwight had always thought that he would marry some nice distant cousin and he would be content. How wrong he was. He knew he was in love the moment he saw her the morning after they had first consummated their union. He was in the kitchen with Mose, making her a big breakfast (if she was to bear his children, her hips should be at least two inches wider), when she walked in. She was so nervous, so shy. Blushing when she realized how messy and unkempt her bright blonde hair was. She looked just like one of her figurines of the Virgin Mary. Well, except for the virgin part. He asked if she wanted to stay for the day. She quietly said, “I would love that,” in her beautiful voice. He almost had Mose wed them right then and there.
Author's Chapter Notes:
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