Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are

I had to find you
Tell you I need you
Tell you I've set you apart

Tell me your secrets
And ask me your questions
Oh, let's go back to the start

Running in circles
Coming up tails
Heads on the science apart

Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard

Oh, take me back to the start

Pam shut the engine of the car, watching the windshield wipers squeak across the glass as the rain poured down over her car. She debated turning right around, thinking she must be crazy to actually be doing this, but she brushed her insecurities away. She had vowed to be more honest, to say what she was really feeling instead of keeping it bottled up inside until it exploded, and she took a deep breath as she opened her car door.

She had driven to Jim's house at least twenty times since the night she had called off her engagement all those months ago. She had turned right back around nineteen of those times, but she nodded to herself, stepping out of the car before she could change her mind.

Old Pammy's getting what she wants! And…don't call me Pammy.

She half-hoped Jim wouldn't answer the door. Her heart was beating as fast as if she'd just run a 5K, and she was pretty confident that no articulate thoughts would be making their way out of her mouth. But it was too late, and the doorknob turned, the big wooden door creaking open slower than she might have liked. He was standing across the threshold barefoot, wearing sweatpants and a worn Penn State Basketball tee shirt, his hair muffled and his eyes heavy with sleep. She could hear the sounds of a sports game on TV in his living room, and she was a little taken aback by the fact that he was seemingly having a completely normal evening- watching a little TV, dozing off on the couch. It didn't occur to her to question why Karen hadn't been there with him. She, on the other hand, had barely slept in weeks, images of Casino Night flashing through her mind whenever she closed her eyes.

"Hey." He said, surprised, his throat scratchy.

"Hey."

They stood in silence for a moment, staring at each other through the doorframe, both unsure of exactly what they were allowed to say to each other at this point.

"Listen, Jim." She started, halting when she saw the flickering in his eyes. It had been what she'd said to him on Casino Night, hadn't it? "I…I just need to say some things to you, and I need you to promise that you'll hear me out."

He nodded. By now, she was soaking wet, and she asked, hoping it wouldn't throw off her confidence, "Can I come in first?"

He seemed to notice for the first time that it was raining, and hurried to open the door wider to let her into his foyer. With the door shut and the rain behind it, the silence felt much more prominent.

"We both know I'm not very good at this whole speaking my mind thing. I've never been able to tell people exactly how I felt, you being the most significant example. I always thought that if I married Roy, I'd have security. I'd have someone to come home to at night, even if they spent half the week drunk and hit on every waitress we met. I know that you think you misinterpreted things, and I'm sorry I made it seem that way. The truth is, you were right all along. I've liked you since long before Casino Night, but I kept trying to tell myself that it didn't mean anything. But it did. We both know it did."

She looked at him, and he remained silent, allowing her to talk without interjecting.

"I mean, what I'm trying to say is…God, I really suck at this. I'm trying to tell you that you were right about me and you and me and Roy and I just wish I had been able to tell you this sooner. You're with Karen now and I get that, but I just needed to tell you that I love you. There. I needed you to know that I just want you to be happy, even if that's not with me. I was too late, and I get that the door is closed. I just needed you to know."

She took another deep breath. "It's to the point where I can't picture myself without you, and even if that means we're just friends, I'd rather have that than not get to see you at all. I'm done with Roy. We were different people in the end, and there were a lot of reasons that we shouldn't have gotten married. It's just that I never cared about those reasons until I met you."

He looked at her blankly for a moment, and she wondered whether she should just turn around and convince him on Monday that he had been dreaming the conversation, but the thought left her head when his lips hit hers. She felt the electricity of Casino Night, except that this time, he was the one that said "I can't".

"Jim," she whispered, pulling back, "What are we supposed to do now?"

"I don't know." He whispered, still holding loosely onto her hand, "I don't know."

"I think it would be best if I just left." She said softly, feeling her heart telling her the opposite.

"But know," she added as she turned towards the door, "that I'll wait for you."

She walked as quickly and steadily as she could to her car, revved the engine, and waited until she pulled over at the end of the block to lean onto her steering wheel and cry.

I was just guessing
At numbers and figures
Pulling the puzzles apart

Questions of science
Science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart

Oh tell me you love me
Come back and haunt me
Oh and I rush to the start

Running in circles
Chasing our tails
Coming back as we are

Nobody said it was easy
Oh, it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard

I'm going back to the start