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HE'S NOT MINE...HE'S HERR'S
It wasn't the touch on his back she saw his first day back. His words in the parking lot came as no surprise after that, and she was pleased with herself for maintaining her cool, for not letting on how badly it hurt that he'd moved on so quickly.
But in the car on the way home she let the tears she'd been holding back fall freely, running tracks down her cheeks as she sobbed softly.
It wasn't his rejection of the present she'd worked so hard on, so proud that she'd done it on her own, so excited to see his reaction to her careful planning. As she took the folder back she could barely speak as he dismissed her gift as something he couldn't do now he was promoted, like he'd grown out of childish behaviour such as this. The lump in her throat got worse as she watched Jim and Karen exchange their gifts, so obviously an in joke for meant only the two of them. His eventual acceptance of her gift had delighted her enough to play along, but ultimately left her hollow. It was pity, that's all, it wasn't her friend proud and happy of her. It was simple pity. She hated how excited she'd been to give it to him, to have it cheapened like this.
She curled up on her couch later and stared at her Christmas tree. The tiny, sad little thing covered in twinkling lights. And felt lost.
It wasn't the apartment issue, although that had burned. Being thanked by the woman she couldn't bring herself to hate, the one who now lived only two blocks away from her everything, the one who got to touch his soft hair and feel his lips. She had wanted to help her friend, to be there for him, to show that she could do that.
Doing that had driven her to tears, not just for herself but for Jim too. Is this what he had felt everytime he helped her with Roy? This burning, twisting feeling of loss and emptiness, this bile rising in her throat? She wept for them both.
It was a five minute conversation with the woman who had her everything. They'd met in the breakroom by chance, and Pam had wanted to keep trying to be friendly. She'd asked about Stamford and Karen had mentioned it wasn't nearly as intense as Scranton. They'd shared a smile at that. And then Karen had lit up, talking about how much more fun things were with Jim there, had mentioned the chips. He'd spent the day looking for her favourite chips, had gone to lengths to find them for her.
Pam's throat closed up and everything was brought sharply into focus. Because that was her Jim, the one who'd bought her favourite chips as bribes, the one who stayed jinxed all day because she told him to, the one who'd laughed with her and joked with her. The one who had blown everything in her world into pieces in one night with three simple words. The one who now rejected her gifts, was cold to her, the one with the stunning new girlfriend and the bottled water.
She excused herself quickly and ducked into the bathroom. He'd only done that stuff for her, and now he did it for Karen. Because he wasn't hers anymore. He was Karens'. She'd lost him for good now. She gulped down air as her world crumbled into pieces.
*****
“Seriously? That was the worst moment for you?” She tapped him lightly on the shoulder as his eyes stayed wide with disbelief and amusement. She shook her head.
“None of it had sunk in until then, and then it all suddenly came to me. It was the absolute worst moment for me, feeling like you would never ever be mine again, because you had a new playmate. Because you were hers, she had your heart.” She shut her eyes to stop herself from crying, the feelings of betrayal long gone but the memory still sharp and fresh as yesterday.
He softly kissed her forehead, her eyes, her nose, and she smiled. As she opened her eyes his face was now gentler and loving, no amusement, just Jim. He ran his hand down her side until it stopped on her stomach, resting on the slight swelling he found there. They shared a soft smile.
“That was the problem, my heart was never hers to have. Just yours.” She smiled then and kissed him, resting her head on her new husband's shoulder, happy. Because the tears in her eyes were now joy. Because she was content. Because he was hers.
Story Notes:
Spoilers through Season 3.
Chapter End Notes:
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