Ellie brushed at her doll’s hair and blew her bangs off her forehead. Her curly brown hair fell into her face as she intently tried to pull the hair back into a ponytail, missing a few strands.
A sudden warm presence surprised her and the four year old whipped her head around, grinning up at her mother.
Pam’s equally curly hair fell perfectly around her shoulders, framing her smiling face. She was dressed in a light pink dress that fell to the knee like always and sunk down to the floor next to her daughter.
“How was school today?” Pam asked softly, pulling Ellie’s hair away from her face. “What did you learn?”
Pam knew how much her daughter adored preschool, the refrigerator that was completely covered in her artwork. She also knew how long Jim had researched local schools and programs, all during an incredibly difficult time at work.
“Ellie,” Jim’s deeper voice scared both of them, causing them to jump. “Who are you talking to?”
“Daddy!” Ellie’s face lit up. “I was talking to mommy.”
Jim’s eyebrows shot up almost into his hairline and the atmosphere instantly changed in that moment. He shifted uncomfortably in his work shoes and ran a hand through his hair.
“Sweetheart,” Jim muttered, sinking down on the floor next to his daughter. Pam covered her mouth with her hand and stared at him with wide eyes. “We’ve had this conversation, mommy isn’t here anymore.”
“Yes she is,” Ellie argued back. “I see her! She’s wearing a pink dress!”
Jim closed his eyes with a deep sigh and rubbed his forehead. On his bedside table, besides the wedding picture was a picture of him and Pam dancing at the Café Disco, grinning and pressing their foreheads together.
“Ellie, that’s the dress from the picture on my table,” He said, feeling his throat tighten.
“But,” Ellie started arguing but was interrupted by Jim’s intense gaze and the hand he had held up to stop her.
“Eleanor Pamela Halpert, I don’t want to hear you talking like that,” He said, voice tight and hard. “Now please pick up your toys and come get dinner.”
He spun on his heel and walked quickly out of the room, shoulders stiff. Ellie’s lower lip wobbled and tears sprung to her eyes as she clutched her Barbie tightly in her fist.
“Oh sweetheart,” Pam whispered, pulling the upset girl into a soft hug.
“Daddy is being mean,” Ellie sobbed out softly, shoulders shaking.
“Your daddy is very sad Ellie, since he is so sad he yells. He loves you so much and would never be mean,” Pam kissed her forehead.
“But I was talking to you,” Ellie pulled back, green eyes still sparkling with tears.
“Remember what I told you? I was very, very sick and my body stopped working, but my spirit is here. I’m here with you. Your daddy can’t see me because he is so sad,” Pam was not sure how much the four year old would understand but Ellie’s nod made her smile. “Now put up your toys so you can eat.”
Ellie nodded, wiping her eyes on her pink sleeves and put her Barbies away in a large bin. She then padded softly into the kitchen where Jim was piling macaroni and cheese, sausage, and green beans onto two plates.
The little girl suddenly wrapped her arms around her father’s legs and squeezed.
“Don’t be sad daddy,” She said, staring up at Jim with wide, green eyes.
“I’m not sad,” He said back, voice slightly choked. “Let’s eat dinner and then we can watch a movie okay?”
“Okay!” Ellie beamed up at her father and then turned to smile at her mother.
After a quick dinner and movie, Jim carried a sleepy Ellie up to her room and kissed her goodnight before going into his bedroom.
Pam wandered around their room, marveling how it had not changed at all in four years. A small frown appeared on her face when she saw that the well-read copy of her novel she read before bed, her glasses, and even the drinking glass was still on her bedside table, a layer of dust over everything.
Jim ran a hand through his already messy hair and sat down on his side of the bed heavily. He sighed and rubbed at his eyes, staring at their engagement picture.
“Okay, here I go,” He muttered so softly that Pam had to strain to hear him. “I’m not a religious man, never really have been, but I need to talk to someone. I can’t bear the thought that she is gone, like really gone, forever.”
Pam crossed the room to stand in front of her husband, sinking down until she was eye level.
“I don’t know who to talk to or what to do but nothing helps. Everyone is treating me like I’m made of glass and part of me knows I need to move on but I can’t,” Jim closed his eyes tightly, completely unaware of the tear-filled eyes of his wife’s inches from his own.
“I see her everywhere and even after four years I still can’t bring myself to clean off her bedside table, or empty her dresser, or even go near her studio in the garage because even thinking about it makes me cry like a girl,” He let out a short humorless chuckle, which quickly evolved into a sob.
“God, we were going to raise a child together and grow old together,” He placed both hands over his mouth for a moment and let out a long breath, eyes glistening with tears. “I don’t know if I can do this. It’s just unfair that she was the perfect mother and was so excited. I love Ellie with all my heart, but I would give anything to bring her back even trade places. I just wish I had been the one to die and give her the chance to be the amazing mom she would have been.”
“God, Jim,” Pam whispered, tears slipping down her cheeks.
“This is stupid,” Jim muttered, swiping his fingers across his cheeks. “I just feel like half of me is gone and I don’t know if I’ll ever be like what I was from before, and Ellie doesn’t deserve a father who after four years still can’t eat grilled cheese without getting all teary.”
He let out a heavy breath and dropped his hands in his lap.
“I feel like nothing will ever be the same,” He whispered to himself, closing his eyes.
Pam stared at her husband for a few moments before leaning into him, pausing a fraction of an inch before meeting his lips.
Opening her eyes she saw Jim’s green eyes staring directly into hers. Pam leapt back with a gasp, almost tripping over her own feet.
Jim looked around the room, confused and raised a hand to touch his lips.
Author's Chapter Notes:
So, looking back at the chapter I saw that it was actually quite awful and rushed. I rewrote it and hopefully this is better.
