The wheat bent slightly backwards under her hands, creating a wave of gold. Looking up, the sky was a brilliant, swirling mixture of blue, soft greens, pinks, and yellows.
Pam wandered through the wheat field outside the farmhouse, feeling it catch on her white sundress and pull at her hair. She had been walking for what felt like hours and still had not reached the end of the field.
In short, Pam was incredibly bored.
She had tried to avoid going back to Earth for as long as possible, giving Jim and Ellie some space. Jim had been incredibly stressed from problems at work and getting Ellie ready for kindergarten and had completely forgotten the almost kiss they shared.
Unable to even admit it to herself, she was almost waiting for the door to her own heaven. Every time she went to Earth she was met with a daughter that was becoming upset that only she could see her mother and a husband who was so blinded by grief that he was almost blind to everything else.
Of course, Owen was nowhere to be found.
Suddenly, the soft, earthy ground turned into shag carpeting. A small smile spread across her face when she opened her eyes and saw the absolutely horrible red shag carpeting in their living room.
Instantly, she could see Jim sitting on the floor next to Ellie. The little girl, now five, glanced up from her Curious George book and smiled at her mother. Jim slowly spoke the word, thinking her silence was confusion, and Pam smiled.
Ellie’s curly brown hair now reached the middle of her back and was held back by a pink headband. She was dressed in jeans and a lime green t-shirt with her elementary school’s name across it.
“Daddy,” She said suddenly. “Can we have macaroni and cheese for lunch?”
“Yeah, yeah sure,” Jim nodded, smiling warmly at his daughter. “I’ll go get the water started.”
He stood, slightly stiffly, and went into the kitchen. Pam could not help but notice the light glinting off of the silver hair at his temples while hers remained the same reddish-brown curls.
“Mommy!” Ellie ran to hug her mother as soon as Jim stepped out of the room. “I’ve missed you!”
“I missed you too,” Pam hugged Ellie tightly, wondering how she could ever consider moving on when Ellie was here. “God I missed you so much.”
Nothing had changed in the house since she died. They had decided to renovate the rooms after the baby was born so that Pam would not have to be around the construction while pregnant.
“ So then Mr. Scott gave me all his old books and now Mrs. Love says I’m the best reader in the class.”
“I’m so proud of you!” Pam grinned at the obviously happy girl. “I knew you were smart!
A sharp knock on the front door followed by several pressings of the doorbell made both Pam and Ellie jump. Jim quickly passed through the hallway, wiping his hands on his jeans and shooting a quick smile at Ellie.
“Hey Jimmy!” She heard Tom’s voice shout loudly, accompanied by the sound of the older man slap his brother loudly on the shoulder. “How’s it going?”
“Not so bad,” Jim shoved Tom back and grinned slightly.
“Ellie!” Tom walked straight through Pam and scooped up his niece, spinning her around. “You look more and more beautiful every time I see you!”
“Thank you Uncle Tom,” Ellie giggled and squirmed until she was put down.
Jim smiled faintly and went back in the kitchen, followed by Tom. The sounds of light conversation met her ears as Ellie quickly went back to her books and sat contently on the horrid carpet.
“I’ll be right back,” Pam whispered to her daughter, running her hand through her hair.
Taking a deep breath, she stepped through the wall and ended up in the kitchen. Tom was leaning against the refrigerator and Jim was adding elbow macaroni to the pot boiling on the stove.
“What are your plans this weekend?” Tom asked, stealing a beer from the fridge. “Anything wild or crazy?”
“Oh yeah, I’m planning on taking Ellie to buy new tennis shoes and then I found out that she is out of pencils and will only take purple glitter pencils to school or else she will look dumb,” Jim smiled, stirring the macaroni.
“And God forbid she uses normal pencils,” Tom laughed and his brother simply shrugged.
“What about you? Doing anything fun with Jenny?” Jim put salt in the pot and leaned against the pot.
“We’re getting a babysitter and grabbing some dinner. She has a friend from work, Leslie, who is super cute. We were wondering if you wanted to join us, get yourself back in the game.” Tom raised his eyebrows.
“Tom,” Jim glared warningly. “I’m not going to go on a date.”
Pam felt her heart clench and her eyes widened. She felt herself grow weak in the knees and had to sink into the wooden chairs she had helped pick out for their kitchen table.
A date.
With another woman.
Jim with another woman.
And suddenly it was like Karen all over again.
They had never talked about what they wanted to do after the other had died, believing they still had time. Pam wanted to believe that she could tell him to move on, be happy with someone else, but she felt ill at the thought.
Those months when Karen would touch him, hug him, kiss him, and make him laugh were the worst of her life. She could not do it again and did not want to leave for her own heaven because of jealousy.
“Come on Jim, it’s been five years,” Tom crossed his arms. “Pam is gone and you can’t just continue living your life in this fog you’ve been in.”
“Five years? Five years?” Jim’s eyes hardened. “Yes Tom, it’s been five years since my wife died. Five years since the mother of my child passed away. I am not about to run off with another woman.”
“Run off? I’m not talking about marriage, I’m talking about a date,” Tom straightened his back slightly. “This isn’t healthy Jim.”
“Thanks Tom, I’m glad you’re here to let me know exactly the length of time I need to move on. Tell me, how much longer until Ellie can start calling her mommy? And please let me know the exact time and date, that would be much more helpful,” Jim snapped back, accidentally grabbing the pot with his bare hands.
“Jesus Jim,” Tom grabbed his younger brother’s hand and quickly running it under the cold-water tap. “Calm down, that’s not what I meant.”
“Sorry,” Jim hissed from pain and slowly flexed his reddening fingers. “I’ve just been really stressed and don’t think I don’t know that mom made you come and ask me. I’d rather people not tell me that they know best for me.”
“No, I’m sorry. You’ve just been so withdrawn for years, years Jim. It’s like you became an entirely new person when Pam died and it’s scaring us. You need to get some help, see a therapist or something.”
“I’m not going to go to a therapist,” Jim mumbled, wiping his hand off.
“Ellie doesn’t deserve a father who is more obsessed with his grief than her,” Tom spoke softly, looking away from Jim’s sudden hurt look.
“I am not obsessed with grief, and I love Ellie more than anything in the world,” Jim muttered, passing straight through Pam to open the fridge and pull out some milk.
“Please talk to someone Jim,” Tom grabbed his brother’s shoulders. “I have the number to a grief counselor, just promise you’ll call.”
Jim took the scrap of paper and sighed, placing on the counter.
“I’ll think about it,” Jim mumbled and quickly piled dinner on plates, carrying them into the living room. Tom sighed heavily and followed him, grinning at Ellie.
Pam stared at the strip of paper and rubbed the back of her neck. It was a good idea, talking to someone. She knew Jim was trying to put a brave face on for Ellie and their friends and family but he needed to talk to someone.
She tried to pick up the paper but her hand simply passed through it. Pam glared at it and concentrated intensely, trying to pick up the paper and jumping when it moved slightly.
A wide grin on her face, she concentrated until she could pick up the paper and carried it into their bedroom, laying it on the table next to the phone. Exhaustion overwhelmed her and she felt herself going to heaven with a flash of light.
~*~
Jim closed his bedroom door behind him and changed into his flannel pajama pants. He fell onto his bed and groaned as he sunk into the pillows.
A fluttering piece of paper surprised him and he snatched it out of the air. It was the number for the grief counselor.
Sitting up in bed, Jim frowned at the slip of paper. He stared at the numbers for a long time before slowly picking up the phone and dialing.
Sitting of the edge of the bed, Pam smiled as Jim made the appointment.
~*~
It became extremely apparent why he had avoided going in for counseling as soon as he stepped into the office.
The walls were painted in soothing earth tones with pale blue butterflies stenciled on them. The couches were huge and overstuffed, a teary woman with mascara trailing down her cheeks sniffed on the edge of one of the cushions.
“Hi,” Jim smiled uncomfortably at the receptionist. “I have an appointment with Carolyn Roberts.”
“Ah yes! Here you are!” She smiled cheerfully and pulled out a clipboard and a small pile of paperwork. “If you would fill these out, I’ll let Dr. Roberts know you’re here.”
“Awesome,” Jim mumbled as he took the pen from her. He took a seat as far away from the teary woman as possible.
Pam sat down next to him on the couch and watched as he filled out the general demographic information. When he got to the portion where he had to mark down why he was there his pen hovered over circling ‘Loss of a Loved One’.
“It’s okay,” Pam whispered as he shakily wrote ‘wife’ in the blank.
“Mr. Halpert?” A middle-aged woman smiled warmly at him. “I’m Dr. Carolyn Roberts, would you like to come into the back room.”
“Yeah sure,” He handed her the clipboard and followed her into another room, decorated similarly to the first one.
“I’m really sorry about the cheesy decorating. You’re lucky, they used to make up play the sounds of the ocean constantly,” She gave him a bright smile and motioned at the stuffed couch. “Take a seat, let’s talk.”
“Alright,” Jim sat down quickly, fidgeting.
“Mr. Halpert, I know that this step is uncomfortable and must feel awkward but believe me, you’re not alone in your feelings,” Carolyn took a seat across from him and pulled out a clipboard.
“I know,” He smiled slightly. “Please call me Jim.”
“Alright Jim,” She looked through his paperwork. “Tell me why you’re here.”
“Isn’t that all in my paperwork?” Jim asked, feeling slightly annoyed and thinking that he was wasting his time.
“I would like to hear you talk about it Jim,” She leaned forward, quickly scribbling something down on his chart.
“Fine,” Jim stared at his hand, twisting his wedding ring. “My wife and I were expecting our first child and something went wrong in the delivery. The baby was fine but my wife died from blood loss.”
“I’m very sorry for your loss,” Carolyn spoke softly. “What was her name?”
“Pam, her name is Pam,” Jim said quickly, continuing to stare at his ring. Pam let her hand hover over his and stared at him.
“Jim, let her help you,” She whispered into his ear. Jim turned his head slightly towards her voice and sighed.
“How did you two meet?” Carolyn asked.
“It’s actually a really long story,” He smiled faintly. “At the time I had just started as a salesman at Dunder-Mifflin and she was the receptionist. Pam was by far the most beautiful person I had ever met. She was smart, funny, and sweet and also, unfortunately for me, she was engaged at the time…”
Siochan is the author of 3 other stories.
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