*
*
I see him enter the store in three quick strides, holding a bundle covered with a yellow blanket. It’s a summer hot day, but it’s pouring outside. He shakes the water off and peels the blanket far enough that I get a glimpse of hair—wavy and blond. He lowers his lips to the top of the curly head and plants a kiss there. The small bundle comes to life and small feet slip past the edge of the blanket.
Seconds later she marches in holding her purse over her head. She looks different, but the same. I notice the hair first; it’s definitely different, smooth curls hanging down to her shoulders—no more frizz, no more barrettes. But she’s still the jeans and t-shirt kind-of-gal, and I can’t believe she still owns those Keds. She shakes the water off her purse and moves to the small bundle he’s holding, peeling off the blanket entirely, revealing a little girl nestled in his arms.
They exchange a few words, but I can’t quite hear what’s being said. He moves to get a cart and she walks behind, draping the blanket over her shoulder. She then gestures for the baby and he lowers the tot to her arms. She kisses the little form and walks towards the store while he follows, pushing a cart.
This little scene unfolds before me as I sit, sipping coffee at the food court at Target. I am here with my current girlfriend, Lisa. We’re moving in together. She’s looking for shelves and curtains or carpet or something for the apartment. And well, I’m here waiting.
I knew Pam was married and had a baby, but I had yet to see them with my own eyes. She’s happy, I can tell. I’m happy too, for her, because she got what she wanted. I still love her. Well, not like that, but… she was my first love.
I can still see them and it’s hard to just ignore. But what gets me is how she keeps the little one clutched tightly to her—it’s very…motherly. This is a new side of Pam to me. She was never comfortable with kids, always very hesitant and anxious. I’d try to tell her she’d be great, but I think that was just my own desire for kids. But I was right, she’s a natural.
I feel like a creep watching them. I want to get up and walk around, but I don’t want to take the chance of running into them later. I just want to avoid the awkwardness, which I know is certain. C’mon, the last time I saw the guy at Poor Richard’s I tried messing with him. I'm not proud with what I said, but in my defense, he had just flaunted in my face how happy my ex was without me. So, he deserved that one.
Now I can’t help but reminisce about my time with Pam. I still don’t know what happened, or why the downfall of our relationship happened. Well, I know—he happened. But the thing is, she seemed happy with me. We were together for like ten years and I thought you couldn’t just break a bond that had been growing for that long. But it shattered and she fell out of love, while I was blindly in love with her.
I actually thought I had completely moved on. Pam was in my past and Lisa was my future. But seeing her again, with him, with his baby? Well, that brought back feelings I didn’t think I carried with me anymore—that baggage thing that women are always talking about. She is my baggage.
I feel like shit for sulking here thinking about my ex. I’m happy with Lisa. I really like her. She’s very easy going and usually takes what I say and goes with it. She’s the best thing that has happened to me since…her. I was the one that actually suggested we move on together. It’s just that… I don’t know. It’s hard seeing her like that, all…happy.
Speaking of Pam, I spot her coming towards me with the baby, fully alert in her arms. I freeze completely, all the muscles in my body become paralyzed and I can’t breathe. And this is how I think I’ll die.
I quickly look down at the table and pray that she doesn’t see me. Please, please, just don’t look, just don’t…
“Roy?”
Shit.
I look up with a plastered smile on my face. “Pammy?” I feign surprise.
“Oh my god…..” She walks towards me and I get up to hug her. It’s awkward and stiff, especially since she’s holding little baby Halpert there.
“What are you doing here?” She asks.
“Shopping with my girlfriend,” I say—no regrets. “Well, waiting for her to finish shopping.”
She chuckles. “That’s more like it.”
We are both standing there and everything between us seems scripted. I sit back down and pull her a seat next to me and she takes it.
“So—” We say at the same time and laugh. But I continue. “You have…” I gesture to the little girl in her arms. She sees where my question is going and answers before I finish.
“This is Cecelia,” she says prying the little girl’s fingers from her mouth. From up close I can see Pam’s soft contours, but for some reason, his stand out more—specially the eyes.
She pulls out a sippy cup from the diaper bag and the little girl’s eye widen as if she’s seeing the Holy Grail. I laugh—the babe’s hungry. She reaches for it and begins to immediately chug it down. She’s cute.
Pam sees that I’m staring and asks, “What?”
“Oh, nothing...” I dig my fingers to the back of my neck. “It’s just… You’re a mom”
She chuckles. “Yeah, some day’s I can’t believe it myself.” She runs her fingers through little Cecelia’s hair and the baby girl sighs contentedly.
“See, you’re good with kids.”
She smiles kindly, looking at her little girl gulp whatever is in that cup. “Yeah…. I guess. But it’s because she’s mine. She has to like me if she plans on eating.”
We laugh at her lame attempt at comic relief.
“So what are you doing here?” I ask.
“We’re looking for cabinets and shelves… anything that will help me organize my studio.”
“You have a studio?”
“Yeah, kind of.” She shrugs. “Jim made our garage into a studio.”
Jim Halpert, gold star.
“Nice…. You’re still drawing and stuff?”
“Yeah… I’ll be going back to school and I need an organized place for me to paint.”
“Going back?” I thought she was done with that. Wasn’t she in New York, for art?
“Yeah... Pratt didn’t work out. I didn’t like graphic design.”
“Oh, I see.” The little girl kicks her little legs in the air and it thumps against my thighs. I seize one of her little feet and tickle it. She gives me an easy grin around the sippy cup.
Pam smiles at me and my heartstrings tighten in my chest. “Ahem,” I clear my throat—it’s suddenly very dry. “What have you been up too, aside from the school thing?”
“I’m still working at Dunder-Mifflin, now owned by a company named Sabre. We sell paper and printers.” She rolls her eyes and releases a heavy sigh. “It’s good pay, though. Sabre has great commission rates.”
In the mean time, Cecelia finishes her drink and holds it up to Pam and mumbles something close to ‘all done.’ Pam asks, “All done?” and takes the pink cup, returns it to the diaper bag, and says, while propping Cecelia on her lap, “So how about you? What have you been up too?”
“I’ve been working at the vitamin store on Pearl Street., but Kenny and I are opening a small car-parts shop.”
“You’re finally doing it, uh?”
“Yeah…”
“Is it still ‘2 Anderson’s 4 cars?’”
“As a matter of fact, yes.” I can’t believe she still remembers that. “You didn’t forget, uh?” She looks at me and shrugs. “I guess I was the only one who forgot ‘things’ in our relationship.” Though I heard those words exit my mouth, I don’t actually recall articulating them.
But Pam is a good sport. She furrows her brow and chuckles to herself. “Don’t blame it all on yourself. But yes, you were forgetful.” Cecelia gets fussy and Pam bends over and digs a pacifier from the diaper bag and gives it to her, who immediately brings it to her mouth. “Remember when you forgot to put the utility check in the mail and we didn’t have electricity for three days?”
Women don’t forget, uh? “Yes, it was like camping.” She shakes her head and chuckles. “C’mon, it was fun. You were totally enjoying yourself after we made s’mores.”
She nods and blushes. We christened every room and furniture in the apartment that weekend.
“How about the time when the truck broke by the lake and we went swimming until Triple A came?” I recall. This is actually a very fond memory that I have of us.
“Yeah,” she chirps. “Thank god for that lake, otherwise we would have melted.” She gives me a kind smile and plants a kiss atop the babe’s curly head.
“We had fun, didn’t we?”
“We did,” she says simply, like an afterthought. I’m sure she’s got better memories now that make ‘ours’ seem juvenile and possibly silly.
“What happened to us?” I utter, knowing I’ve lost the filter between my mouth and brain.
And of course this surprises her. She shakes her head and opens her mouth, but nothing comes out. She recollects herself and then says, “I think we just grew apart, you know?” Her grasp tightens around her little one and continues, “We both changed during the course of our relationship, which sometimes can be a good thing, but other times…”
She lets the last sentence linger, because for us, it was a bad thing. “Yeah,” I agree. “But things worked out for the good, uh?” I know it did for her, of course, but also for me. I learned a lot from Pam and learned a lot about myself after we broke up (the second time). It made me a better person, a better boyfriend, and hopefully, in the future, a better husband.
“Yeah, they did.” Pam kisses the little girl’s rosy cheek, producing a cute smacking sound. Little Cecelia is unmoved by it, sucking at her pacifier while watching the crowds of people walk past us.
“So,” I say, changing the subject before I blurt anything else out. “Planning on having more?” I gesture towards Cecelia.
“Not now,” she says a bit too quickly, but clarifies herself. “In the future, yes. We are still learning with this one.”
“You know Pammy, I can’t picture you pregnant.” I really can’t. Pam’s pretty small.
She laughs. “Just picture me the size of China,” she says. “I didn’t quite show until the sixth month or so, but after that… man I expanded!” She gazes at the little tot and adds, “She took her time getting here. Nineteen long hours.”
I grimaced. “Ouch.”
“Yes and a bit more. Jim will tell you. The initial contractions weren’t so bad, but as they got closer together it sucked.” She shakes her head, as if to banish the memories. “But the epidural worked wonders! Jim thought I might run away with the anesthesiologist.”
“That good, uh?”
“You have no idea.” She laughs. “But after Cece came screaming into the world.” She tickles the little girl’s sides and playfully says, “Didn’t you silly babe?” Cecelia giggles around the pink pacifier in her mouth.
We continue talking and I lose track of time. I take a sip of my coffee, but now it’s cold. I buy myself another cup and go on a limb and buy Pam one sprinkled with cinnamon. Turns out, I remembered—it’s still her favorite. Some things don’t change.
Soon after, he comes to finds them, pushing a cart with several large boxes and some plastic bags inside. Cecelia’s pacifier falls to the ground as she says, “da-da,” opening and closing her hands while bouncing expectedly on Pam’s lap.
Our eyes meet as he whisks the little dumpling up and swings her in the air. She giggles blissfully and drool oozes down his cheek.
“Hey man,” he says, wiping the slobber from his face.
“Hey…” I say, extending my hand for a handshake. He shifts the baby on his arms and offers me a drool-free hand.
“How’s it going?” He asks.
“So far, so good.”
“Good.”
It’s like we’re reading out of a book of formalities. But I’m pretty sure his guard is up, which inflates my ego a bit.
“Did you get it all?” Pam asks, bending down to pick up Cecelia’s pacifier.
“Yup. All of it.”
She smiles up at him and an awkward silence reigns for a brief moment before Pam says, “I think we’re gonna get going.”
“Yeah… I have to go find Lisa, you know, before she buys the entire store,” I say. Lame.
Pam chuckles. “Yeah… It was good seeing you.”
“Yeah, you too.” I say and go for the hug. She returns the gesture, but it’s still not….”Have a good day now,” I say.
“You too,” she says and adds, waving Cecelia’s hand, “Say ‘buh-bye’ Cece.” Word-like sounds spill from the babe’s mouth, "Buh-buh.”
They walk away and I watch as Jim pulls a lollipop from his pocket and shows it to Cecelia. She immediately recognizes the colorful item and reaches for it. I hear Pam grunt and say, “You’re giving her a bath this time.”
“Sure.” He smiles and removes the wrapper and Cecelia is quick to dig into it. She clutches the little stick with both hands. “And if you’re lucky, maybe I’ll give you one too,” he adds.
She laughs, swats his arm, but says, “I feel pretty lucky.”
That’s all I hear before my bionic ears cease to work. I take a sip from my coffee and get up to find Lisa, the one I’m moving in with. I can’t explain how I feel; I just know that I want my future to be like that—wife and kids. I start walking towards the home goods area, but stop at the jewelry counter. Maybe my future doesn’t have to be that far.
Loose Ends by Dedeen
Author's Chapter Notes:
As requested... Here is Roy!
Thanks to EmilyHalpert for putting up with me!
Still own nothing!
Chapter End Notes:
Thanks for reading! Anyone else the Halperts should meet?
