*
*
I’m at Crate and Barrel trying to find a nice casserole dish when I see her. Even though she has her back to me, I know it’s her. It seems like only yesterday when I saw this timid girl, wearing a turtleneck with unruly, curly hair walk through my front door. She was unlike any girl Roy had brought home. She won his heart and it wasn’t long before she won our hearts as well.
She became like my own daughter and I can’t tell you how heartbroken I was when she ended things with Roy. I know my son is no prince charming, but he loved her. He just didn’t know how much.
“Pam?”
She turns. When she sees me it’s almost like her heart stopped beating for a full three seconds. “Oh my God, Joanne?” she says surprised.
She has her baby girl hoisted at her hip. Roy mentioned he saw her at Target a few weeks back. My heart tightens with the thought of what might have been.
We hug and it’s like we’ve slipped back in time. “How have you been?” I ask, but my eyes inevitably fall on the baby girl. Her pouty lips curve in a frown and her big blue eyes are glassy with unshed tears.
“I’ve been good. Busy, but good,” she says.
“Pam, she’s precious.” I say and reach for the baby’s hand, but the little girl nuzzles her doll face on mom’s shirt.
“This is Cecelia.” Pam turns so I can see her round, little face. “She was asleep on the way here and just woke up.” She runs a soothing hand down the baby’s back and says, “She’ll come around.”
“It’s really good to see you.” I say.
“Yeah, you too,” she says and adjusts the little girl on her hip. “Would you like to grab some coffee?”
“Sure,” I say.
I forget about what I have to do and together we walk across the street to the nearest coffee shop. While we wait in line she lowers the tot to the floor and the little one stands wobbly on her feet, holding on to mom’s pants while gazing around with big, blue eyes.
“She’s getting heavy,” she says with a scripted rush of air.
“She looks a lot like you.” I say and the little does. Except for her eyes and the blond hair, she’s all Pam. “How old is she?”
“Thirteen months.”
“She’s a big girl.”
“Getting bigger every day,” she says and coos at the tot, “Right Cece?”
We get our coffee and find an empty table in the back. Pam walks hand in hand with the little girl and the mother in her is so obvious. I don’t know why she ever doubted herself. She pulls Cecelia to her lap and hands her a rubbery toy.
“It’s been so long,” she says, “And I know it’s my fault.”
“Nonsense dear, we’ve all been busy,” I say. “What have you been up too? The last I heard you were going to an art school in the city.”
“Yeah, I did go. It’s nice and all, but just wasn’t for me.”
“You are so talented. I loved your paintings. You know, I still have that painting of the sunflowers in my kitchen.”
She blushes all kinds of red. “Really?”
“Of course,” I say. “It’s my most coveted painting.” It’s just breath taking. I couldn’t believe she’d painted it. “So, what else have you been up to?”
“I’m still at Dunder-Mifflin, and also taking art classes at night.”
“I hope they are paying you more than they did,” I say and we share a chuckle. “Tell me, is that boss of yours still working there?”
“Actually no, he left a few weeks ago. He is on to new things.”
“I remember being so entertained by the stories you guys told me.”
“I’ve always imagined what it would be like without him there, but now that he is gone, I have to say…. I kind of miss him.”
“No, really?” Every time she and Roy came to dinner it was always, ‘You won’t believe what my boss did,’ or ‘You won’t believe what my boss made me do.’
“It’s true!”
We laugh and little Cecelia does too.
“What’s so funny, huh?” I ask the little girl and she gives me a big, cheeky smile. I tickle her tummy and she wiggles in Pam’s arms. Pam kisses the top of the little girl’s head and the baby babbles happily.
“Jenny is looking into adoption again.” Jenny is my eldest daughter. She and her husband have been trying to have a baby for quiet sometime now.
“Oh,” she says surprised. “I thought she was going for IVF.”
“She did. Didn’t work and it’s so expensive.”
“I can imagine.” She gazes down at Cece and then sheepishly up at me. “I never thought I would have a baby before Jenny,” she says. “She was always the one playing with the kids.”
There’s a beat of silence and in the back ground, plates clatter, voices rises and fall, and occasional laughter breaks out and around the small coffee house. My eyes catches Cecelia’s little face scrunched in concentration while gnawing on her toy. My arms ache to hold her.
“Can I hold her?” I ask. My old heart leaps at the prospect.
“Yeah…” She lifts the little girl from her lap and says, “Wanna go see Joanne?”
Cece babbles and Pam takes that as a ‘yes’. She lowers her to my arms and the little girl settles without a fuss. She’s a very lovely baby. Long eyelashes curled against rose-over-ivory cheeks and her round face topped by a cap of fine, sandy blond hair. “Did you just decide it was time for a little one?”
She chuckles. “Cece was um…. She was a nice surprise.”
“You mean—”
“Yeah… Cece just…happened.” She sips her coffee. “I had a sprained ankle and at the hospital I found out I was pregnant.”
“Now there’s an interesting story.”
“We were so excited and so scared and….”
She continues to tell me about her pregnancy and I know she’s been cautious about bringing him up. But every now and then she’ll let little things slip, like ‘he was so anxious,’ or ‘he couldn’t believe how big my belly got.’ It’s almost like she can’t help but talk about him. I wish to know more—what is different about him, why did she choose him over Roy, but I don’t want to prod.
Her phone rings and she apologetically fishes it out of her purse. “Hey….” She picks up. By the tone on her voice I know it’s him. “No, I’m at the coffee shop across the street.” She smiles uneasily at me. “Yeah…..Oh, she’s better….I know…….Yeah, that sounds good…Okay…Love you, bye.”
A bit of something sad curls in my stomach. Pam looks at me and it seems my face reveals my melancholy because she says, “He’s a good man.”
“I know.” I do. I sip my coffee, trying to wash down the words burning on my tongue, but it’s futile and I can see she’s already expecting what I’m about to ask. “What happened, Pam? I mean… I know what happened. I just want to hear your side.”
“I always thought Roy was the one, you know?” She begins. “And at one point I wanted him to be the one.”
I nod and sip my coffee.
“But we grew apart. Roy… Roy was still the same boy I met in high school.” She sips her coffee and says, “And for a while that was okay. I was happy. Or at least I thought I was happy.”
“I rooted for you guys, you know that?”
“I know. I did too. I wanted us to work…. But then… everything changed.”
“You fell for the other guy.”
Pam nods guiltily. She rasps her tongue over her lips that suddenly seem to have gone as dry as baby powder. “I loved Roy. He will always be my first love….”
I nod and smile at her. She smiles back and just like that she’s my Pam again, from all those years back.
“I feel awful for what I did.”
“You cheated on Roy?” I ask, but I already know the answer.
“No… yes…well… Jim and I kissed. That’s all. Nothing else happened. And I told Roy about it. I wanted us to make it—start fresh.”
“That’s when the bar fight happened.” Kenny still mopes about that damn jet ski money.
“Yeah…That was when I realized our relationship had run its course. Roy did too. We talked about it over coffee.” We both smile at the irony.
That’s all I wanted to hear from her. I just wanted to know she cared. I know my son and I’ll stand by him, but I also know Pam. Roy needed to lose her in order to understand what he had. I think along the years he forgot what an amazing girl Pam is. He learned his lesson.
With this fog suddenly lifted our conversation routes to more lighthearted subjects. We go back in time, retelling and remembering the distant past.
“You guys crashed my car!” I say.
“It was Jenny’s idea. Kenny, Roy and I were totally against it.”
“Whose idea was it to repair with duct tape and paint?” She looked so innocent then, but I knew it was her handiwork.
“It was mine. I’m sorry.”
“Roy tried so hard to cover up for you. I remember the repair being nearly perfect. You guys fooled me for all those months.”
“We were very surprise that you didn’t find out that same day.” She chuckles and her head falls back, “And remember the time when…”
I’m still holding Cece and I feel so attached to this little girl. It’s like she’s my grandchild. I’m look down at her and I can’t help but play ‘This little piggy’ with her little toes. When I reach her littlest toe and say, “And this little piggy went...” she curls her tiny toes back inside her strappy sandals and beams at me when I say, “wee, wee, wee, all the way home,” like she’s anticipating me tickling her.
I guess I got distracted with Cecelia and when I look back at Pam, she’s staring at us with a knowing smile, my heart tightens—I have yet to be blessed with grandchildren.
“Helene must be over the moon with her,” I say.
“Yeah. She’s always offering to babysit. It’s a tug of war between the grandmas.”
“Of course! Who wouldn’t want a piece of this?” I tickle Cece and she giggles, bunching all her chubby fingers in her mouth.
When this tall man enters the coffee shop, I immediately know it’s him. He’s handsome, if you like the lanky type. I see where little Cecelia gets her eyes from. And boy does she light up at the sight on him. As soon as he comes within her view, she immediately arches her back and slides down my lap. She toddles for him and he sweeps her off the floor with lots of pump and circumstance.
He walks towards us with arms full of Cecelia. I can see the little girl absolutely loves him. I can also tell Pam loves him too. The smile adorning her face, the glint in her eyes…. I remember that look. I’ve seen it a long time ago.
He approaches us and Pam says, “Jim, this is Joanne Anderson.”
It takes him less than a minute to put two and two together. “Hi, Mrs. Anderson. Nice to meet you.”
“Oh, same here. Please call me Joanne.” I extend my hand and he shakes it. Firm grip. “Want to join us for coffee?”
“I would love to,” he says with a lazy smile that mirrors little Cece’s. “But I’m going to have to take a rain check.”
“Oh, that’s alright,” I say, “You guys probably have somewhere to go. I still have to find my casserole dish,” I say and begin to stand.
“It was really nice to meet you,” he says and we shake hands once more.
The boy has charm. I give him that.
“Pam,” he says, “I’ll meet you in the car?”
“Yeah,” she smiles, “I’ll be right there.”
“Say ‘buh-bye,’” he coaxes Cece, but she only smiles around her little fingers bunched in her mouth.
We watch them walk out and without any words I just hold my arms out for her. She walks into my embrace and I hold on a little tighter, a little longer.
“Don’t be a stranger,” I tell her.
She smiles and both of us get a little teary.
“The past is in the past,” I remind her.
I watch her curl her hair behind her ear and wipe her eyes with her shirt sleeve. She then waves good-bye and out she goes. I watch her from the large glass window and as she reaches the car, he is quick to open the door for her, but notices she’s been crying. He pulls her for a hug and kisses her forehead. He says something and she nods, offering him a smile. When they drive away, my heartstrings pull a bit tighter in my chest.
I’m grateful for the opportunity to see her again. I always thought things weren't right when she left. I’m happy to have tied this loose end.
Loose Ends by Dedeen
Author's Chapter Notes:
Thanks to EmilyHalpert for not turning me down and taking time out of this busy holiday season to Beta for me.
I own nothing.
Chapter End Notes:
Thanks for reading. I plan on continuing this, but I'm looking for different, but important characters for them to meet... Any suggestions?
