Chapter Three

He caught her trying to sneak out at five in the morning, carrying her shoes in her hand.

She looks horrified when she sees him standing in the doorway of the living room.

"Jim." She gasps.

"Need a ride somewhere?" He whispers.

"I don't…I don't think that's a good idea." She says softly.

How did I get here? She thinks desperately.

"Yeah. Probably not." He agrees with a nod.

"I…" She bites her lip and stares at her feet. She can't form a complete sentence.

He puts his hand up to stop her. If she says she's sorry the crack in his heart will grow wider and he can't take that so early in the morning. "Don't."

She brings her eyes to his and he can see that she's not feeling well at all.

"Need something for that headache?" He asks then.

"I'm okay." She shakes her head and winces. Her mouth feels like it's full of cotton. She leans a hand on the railing of the stairs. "Maybe."

"C'mere." He holds a hand out to her and leads her to the kitchen. She's surprised at how easily she follows him.

"You look like hell, Beesly." He says as he reaches into the cupboard for a bottle of Tylenol. He shakes two out and lays them on the counter.

"That's good. It matches how I feel." She sighs as she reaches over and grabs them, running her thumb over the pills in her palm. She slowly walks to sit at the kitchen table.

"You're going to want coffee." He says as he places a bottle of water in front of her. Before she can answer he moves to make some.

She scrunches her nose up at him. "Ew. I don't like coffee."

"It'll help with the headache." He replies. "Tea's not nearly strong enough. It's either coffee or I can make you this sick concoction Mark drinks whenever he has too many. It involves raw eggs and tomato juice…"

Her stomach turns at the mere thought. "Coffee's good." She says softly.

She sits there and watches him. How carefully he measures, how his fingers move expertly over the coffee maker. She can't take her eyes off him.

A voice breaks through the pounding in her head. You're fascinated by the way he makes coffee. Do you understand what that means?

He's making you coffee. He's making you coffee. When was the last time Roy did anything for you without your having to drop hints the size of Texas?

When he turns back to face her she's crying. Alarmed he takes a step closer to her.

"I want…" She whispers as she watches him moving towards her.

You had a fight with Roy yesterday. You practically told him it was over. It was so bad you drank five gin and tonics trying to get up enough nerve to leave him. Remember that Pam? That's how you got here.

"What?" He asks hopefully. The thought flies through his mind before he can stop it. Me?

"...to say something." She replies. She wipes at her eyes and wrings her hands in her lap. "I used to be able to talk to you so easily. Why is this so hard?"

Because it's scary. Because it's different and new and you're just used to your life the way it is now. Because if you give that up, you don't know if you'll even be able to recognize yourself.

He wishes he had an answer for her. "It doesn't have to be." He says simply.

She doesn't know exactly where to begin. "You need to understand. I just can't walk away from ten years of my life."

He stares at her. "I don't see it that way. I honestly can't believe you've let him waste so much of your time."

She fights to explain. "You don't understand. It used to be different. He used to be different. I think he just got used to having me around - that's all."

"So used to you he doesn't notice you're there half the time." Jim mutters bitterly. How Roy could ever forget he had Pam sitting beside him was beyond him.

Jim can't take it. He doesn't even know how it's possible. Couldn't he hear her laughing? Does he not see her smile? How does he not realize how amazing she is?

If she knew what he was thinking she might be able to give him answers. Maybe because she doesn't smile much when Roy is around. Maybe because, lately, her smiles are reserved only for him.

But - she doesn't know so she says something different.

"Stop rubbing that in my face. God. I wish I'd never told that story." She snaps back at him, her voice rising.

He knows that it hurts her to bring that up. He thinks that's why he does it - so she can finally see it for herself. Roy is careless. The things he does hurt her. And it makes his blood boil that she's gotten to the point where she just expects it.

"I just don't understand how someone like you could put up with that." He shakes his head.

"What do you mean someone like me?" She asks him then, her voice still angry.

"You really don't know do you?" He says softly.

"What?" She looks at him blankly.

"How amazing you are." He whispers.

Her heart begins to pound in time with her head. "I think you have a warped image of who I am, Jim." She stares up at him. "I'm not that special…"

He can see he's got her thinking and decides to keep going. He cuts her off softly. "See. I think it's the opposite. I think he's warped your image of yourself so badly that I'm the only one who sees who you really are anymore."

It's getting harder to breathe. She can't believe that her life is suddenly a cheesy soap opera. How the hell could this possibly happen? My life is supposed to be simple. I've loved Roy forever and now we're getting married - finally - just like normal people do. The wedding's in three weeks. My bridesmaids are wearing lavender and the cake has raspberry filling.

"Stop." Her voice is barely audible.

The words keep swirling in her head. My dress is the whitest white imaginable. I'm wearing my mother's veil. Roy wants to drive off in his truck after the reception. Darryl and the guys are going to decorate it. We're going to the beach for a honeymoon. We're going to look for a house in the fall. At least, Roy says that we might…

Jim is oblivious to Pam's thoughts. He's too caught up in his own. This isn't the way he'd pictured any of this. Five minutes ago he was nursing her hangover and now he's bringing it all up again.

This isn't the way he thought it would go. But it's started and he needs to finish.

His voice is steadier than he feels as he continues. "No - Pam. I'm sorry but I can't. If I do you'll go ahead and marry him…"

"Jim." Her eyes plead with him to be quiet.

"…and make the biggest mistake of your life." He closes the distance between them, reaching down and pulling her out of the chair.

"Stop." She begs as she stumbles to her feet.

His hands grip her elbows, and it's the only thing that's holding her upright. "And you can tell me a thousand times that it's all in my head - that I'm seeing something that isn't there but I know you, Pam. And I know that when you say that you're lying."

She's sobbing now and he hates himself, but he's not letting her go until she answers him.

It's the perfect time. It's the perfect place. They're not at the office. The only people who could possibly overhear are Mark and his girlfriend and they'd cheer him on if they knew what he was saying right now.

He takes her face in his hands and makes her eyes meet his. "Tell me you're sure. Tell me you are absolutely sure that he's what you want and I'll leave you alone."

"Jim..." She tries to twist away but he tightens his hold.

"Look me in the eye and tell me you don't feel anything. That when I do this…" His lips seek hers in a desperate kiss. And when they do she can't help herself. She does it again. She kisses him back. Her hands run up his chest and come to rest on his shoulders as she sinks into him.

The air smells like fresh coffee and her skin smells like citrus. Her mouth tastes minty and slightly antiseptic, like she's stolen some of his mouthwash.

The bizarre combination intoxicates him. He can't get enough of her.

He leans his forehead on hers as he reluctantly pulls away. It takes him a moment to catch his breath.

He already knows the truth. It was obvious. Still he asks her anyway. "…you feel nothing."

"I can't…" She shakes her head at him as if to say that she doesn't, but her hands are running over the lines of his face and spearing into his hair and the answer is obvious.

The weight begins to lift off his chest when he hears her words. His lips form into a smile involuntarily. He pulls her closer and before he can stop himself his mouth is on hers again. He eases back and whispers against her lips. "Then tell me you're calling it off."

She can't think. She can't see. She's afraid she's going to faint. The thoughts are filling her mind again. I've wanted to be married forever. I've wanted to be married to Roy. The plans are all made. It's practically done already. I'm going to be married in three weeks...

And before she can stop herself she says, nearly hysterical. "I can't…"

Jim's heart falls to his stomach. He knew it was too good to be true. And even as the waves of disappointment wash over him he still can't give up. It seems no matter how many times she denies it he still tries to convince her.

He lets her go and takes a step full step back as he tells her. "Yes. You can."