Chapter Four

"I want to go home." She says softly, finally able to find her voice.

"To him." Jim states bitterly and gives her a look.

She can't believe the thought never occurred to her, that if she actually went home Roy would be there. Her eyes widen in shock.

"NO." She knows she can't go back there - not the way she feels right now.

He can tell she's distraught and he knows he's the one who made her that way. "Pam."

"I want to go…" She tries again.

"I know. You want to keep running…"

She knows what he says is true - but she still is trying to make things normal again.

"I just…" She doesn't know what to say. It's no use. He's right. She kissed him back, and even as she stands here, trying to rationalize she knows deep in her heart that she wants to do it again.

He looks in her eyes again and shakes his head. "I already told you. I'm not going away."

"Why?" She says desperately.

"Because, Pam. I love you." He says simply.

Her heart skips a beat as he says it. And though there's a different reply in her mind she hears herself say, "Why?"

She doesn't understand why he just won't let it go.

"How long do you have?" He shoves his hands in his pockets and shrugs. "There are million reasons."

"I…" She turns away from him and tries to catch her breath. "You…you should find someone else."

He raises his eyes to the ceiling and inhales deeply. "I tried that." He shakes his head at her. "Didn't work."

"I…" She begins.

His voice rises in annoyance. "If you say 'I can't' one more time I'm telling you right now. I won't be held responsible for what I do."

She can't believe the tone of his voice. It shocks her and stops the thoughts from swirling in her head. "Excuse me?"

He leans back against the counter and crosses his arms over his chest. "It's getting really old Pam."

Her mind begins to clear. "Do you have any idea how hard this is for me?" She asks him then.

He knows. He knows because he knows her so well. He knows how difficult this is. But it still won't stop him. He'll knows he'll keep trying every single day.

At least, until time runs out.

"No. I know it's not easy. But that's my point. If you are having this much trouble trying to figure it out…"

"What?" She gives him a look.

"I must be right." There's a smugness to his voice that she's not used to at all. "Actually. I know I'm right."

"You know what?" She says, beginning to get angry. "I don't like you much when you're like this."

"I don't like me like this either." His hands itch to touch her but he keeps them balled at his sides. "I'd much rather be sitting here in this kitchen joking around with you, I'd rather be doing something else - like maybe just taking care of you because I can see your head is still pounding. But…you won't let me Pam." He says softly.

"Everything was fine…" She starts.

"Was it really?" He asks pointedly.

She tries again, her voice gaining strength. "Yes. It was fine. But now…you've changed things."

"Be honest. They changed a long time ago." He says softly.

Her heart is beating frantically again, because she knows he's right. "Why did you kiss me?"

"C'mon Pam. Stop it. You know why." He replies, standing up straight and giving her a look. "Why did you kiss me?"

She simply stands there and stares at him and the look in her eyes gives him her answer.

"Pam."

"I-I-I don't know what to do." She says desperately, her eyes brimming with tears.

He keeps his eyes on hers as he answers. "Yeah. You do."

"I don't think I can." But even as she says it she takes a tentative step forward.

Stop running Pam. Aren't you tired? What would it be like if you just gave in? You could still get married, it just won't happen in three weeks. You could be happy. He'll make you happy. He'll take care of you. He'll make you laugh. You already know that. Be honest. FOR ONCE. You already know…

He can see the change in her but he shoves his hopes down, unwilling to get burned again so quickly. Still his mind screams out to her. C'mon Pam. Stop running.

He gazes at her as he whispers. "You can do whatever you want."

"I want…" She says breathlessly as she makes her way over to him.

In seconds his arms close around her and he pulls her against him. He spins her around so she leans against the counter and she's thankful because her knees are weak. They become weaker still when his lips brush against hers.

"I need to hear you say it. Just…once." He can't stand that he has to beg her but he honestly has no choice.

"You." She whispers as she winds her arms around his neck and crushes her mouth to his. "I want you."

xoxoxoxoxoxo

"Way to go Jimmy." Mark claps a hand on his friend's shoulder as he moves past him to get a cup of coffee.

"Yeah." Jim laughs loudly. He looks at Mark thoughtfully. "Hey. Has anyone ever told you that you have absolutely fan-tas-tic timing?" He still cannot believe how they were just so rudely interrupted.

Minutes after Pam finally gave in Mark and his girlfriend came bounding into the kitchen - startling them both and causing them to spring apart.

The moment was ruined, but he was encouraged by the fact that Pam actually giggled as she pulled away. The smile on her face was something he was not about to forget for quite some time. She was now upstairs in the shower and Ashley, Mark's girlfriend, was finding her something else to wear.

"Sorry. Honestly, I had no idea you had someone here." He says, still chuckling. "I mean…I had no idea you had her here." He knew full well exactly what that meant.

Since his feet aren't even touching the ground yet, Jim can't do anything else but smile.

"So. The wedding's off." Mark smiles back at him as he takes a sip.

He smiles wider. "Well. Not…officially, but I'm going with…yeah."

"Good for you. I was worried for a second. You were cutting it close." He replies. "I thought maybe you'd chicken out."

"I couldn't do that." He shrugs.

Mark nods in acknowledgement, suddenly distracted as Ashley joins them.

"She OK?" Jim asks.

"She's fine." She smiles at him. It's so cute how concerned he sounds. "That must have been some kiss Jim. She's tripping over her own feet."

"I try." He laughs back at her.

"Well. Good job." She says as she turns her face up to Mark's and kisses him softly.

Jim moves into the living room and as he does he catches Pam on the stairs again. This time her hair is damp and she's wearing jeans that are a little too long. He's surprised to see a set of pale pink toenails peek out from underneath. She's wearing one of his t-shirts and it's so big on her it looks like its swallowed her whole.

He's never seen anything more beautiful in his life.

She takes a deep breath and walks over to him, her arms sliding around his waist and pulling him close. "Hey." She whispers.

"Hey." He replies as he places a kiss on her hair, smiling widely at how she was the one to come to him this time.

"How are we going to get out of work today?" She says her voice muffled.

Honestly? He hadn't even thought about it, but it's clear neither one of them wants to go. "Good question."

"I mean…" She snuggles closer. "…without people getting the wrong idea."

"Actually in this instance - I think they'll have the right idea." He laughs at her.

They stand there for a while, breathing each other in. Finally Pam feels the need to say something.

"I'm going to have to talk to him." She shivers a bit as his hands run up and down her back. "Like…soon."

He knows exactly what she's talking about. "I know."

"I checked my messages. He called my cell phone four times last night." She says softly.

"I'm surprised he actually remembers the number." Jim says bitterly.

"Don't do that…" She pulls away sharply.

He can kick himself for ruining the moment. "I'm sorry…"

Her eyes aren't even angry, it just looks like she's ashamed at him and that makes it ten times worse.

"This isn't his fault. Not really." She says then.

"I know. I'm sorry." He nods.

"It's going to be bad enough." She blinks back tears. "I owe him at least that much."

He pulls her back in his arms and whispers. "Will it make it easier if I go in today?"

When she hears that suggestion she's torn. Part of her wants him to stay right here. If he leaves she thinks that maybe she'll lose her nerve and she doesn't want that to happen. She looks up at him, her gaze uncertain.

"I don't know…" She says honestly.

Jim can't believe he's making plans to leave her right now, but he thinks in the long run it's for the better. "It might be a good idea. It might make it easier to talk to him later if he doesn't think you've been here with me."

"You're probably right." Pam says with a nod, suddenly relieved. She plays with the buttons on his shirt as she averts her eyes from his.

"So. I called my mom…"

"Again?" He smiles. He gives her a look. "Hmm. I tell you I love you - you call your mom. It's becoming a habit with you."

"Yes. I guess you have that affect on me." She smiles back. She's suddenly a bit embarrassed. "Jim...it's just that…"

He cuts her off softly, running a hand over her cheek and tucking a stray curl behind her ear. "She understands you. I get it. So. What did she say?"

"I asked her…she's…umm…she's coming to get me."

He shouldn't be surprised, but he is. "Oh."

"I'm going to stay with her. It's just…I need to figure out how to do this." She whispers.

"OK."

"And I don't want to make it a big deal…well - it's going to be but I don't want it bigger than it has to be. I mean. His family…I'm going to hurt a lot of people and it's going to be…messy." Her breath begins to hitch. "I just don't want…"

He kisses her quickly to get her to stop and she sighs as he pulls away.

"It's OK. I get it." He smiles down at her. His voice is full of concern as his arms tighten around her. "If you want me there when you talk to him, I'll be there. If you don't…not gonna lie. It'll kill me…but I want you to do whatever is easier for you."

As she hears his words she absolutely believes him. It's something she's never had, someone wanting what's easiest for her. Every second she feels more sure. She's still terrified, she's still dreading this, she's still sure it's going to be horrific. But she looks up at him and for a few brief moments it's all peaceful and calm and…right.

"Even if I go to stay with her, you're not going anywhere right?" She asks him then, her voice quivering a bit.

"No." He promises.

"Because if I do this…" She begins again.

"When." He corrects her.

"When I do this…" She sighs. "You won't change your mind?"

"Impossible. Do you have any idea how long I've waited for this moment?" He says with a grin.

She gives him a look and smiles back in spite of it all. "Umm. Three years?"

"No." He shakes his head at her. His mouth moves over hers as he whispers. "Try forever."