Chapter Five

"Pam?" Her mother whispers as she places a hand gently on her shoulder.

"Huh? What?" She replies, still half asleep.

"He's here, sweetheart."

Fear courses through her veins as she begins to wake up.

"Oh."

She is half surprised. Part of her really didn't think he'd care enough to make the effort. When did that happen? When she did stop expecting things from him?

"He's in the living room."

"OK." She says taking a deep breath and getting up off the bed.

"Your dad and I will be outside sweetie. If you need us..." She gives her a small smile. She knows exactly what is happening and she wishes, in only the way a mother can, that she could decide for her.

"OK." Pam nods and walks towards the door.

She makes her way down the stairs and he's standing there. He looks tired. She thinks and her heart hurts a little.

"Hey Pammy." He says with a smile. He gives her a sheepish look. "Look. I'm sorry..."

"Roy." She shakes her head at him.

"Whatever I did that you're pissed about…I'm sorry. OK?" He takes a deep breath and holds a hand out to her. "C'mon. Let's get out of here."

She stands where she is and doesn't move an inch. "It's not that simple."

He gives her an exasperated look. He doesn't know why she has to be so difficult all the time. Like they're the first people to ever get married or have a wedding. He's trying to figure her out. You'd think after ten years he'd know but she has this way of changing too fast for him to really keep up.

"Is it the bachelor party? You know I won't do anything crazy. It's just the guys - you know how they are - they might get a little out of hand. But I'll come home to you baby, you know that right?" He whispers against her neck as he tries to pull her close.

She's horrified by the fact that she doesn't want him to touch her. Her head is spinning as she tries to sort it all out. Why is that? Is it because you are cheating on Roy with Jim or cheating on Jim with Roy?

How is it possible to feel like it's both? And when did she become a cheater anyway? She would never do that. She can't even believe this is happening.

"Roy. Stop it." She twists out of his grasp and walks across the room.

He drops his hands at his sides and gives up. His voice is full of frustration. "OK. What the hell is wrong with you lately?"

"I don't think I can do this." She says softly, but even as she does she's not sure if she really means it.

"Pam. C'mon. Don't be stupid." He sighs.

Her eyes fill with hurt as he says it. "I'm not stupid."

He takes another deep breath and tries to stay calm. "I didn't say you were stupid I said don't act stupid. It's OK. I know you went to college." He says mockingly.

"That bothers you doesn't it?" She snaps back at him.

"What?"

"That I actually went to college."

He rolls his eyes. This is a conversation they've had a million times. "Whatever Pam."

"You do that to me all the time. Make me feel bad because I went to school. I never throw it in your face - the fact that you didn't. You could have you know." She whispers harshly.

"I didn't want to." He shrugs.

She's shaking her head at him. "That's not true. You were too scared to. You're too scared to do anything." As the words come out it's oddly freeing. It's about time they go to the real problem.

His face reddens because he knows there's truth to that. "Pam." His voice holds a warning.

She's started and she can't stop. Her eyes plead with him to give her a reason to change her mind. Because for all her talk, for all the feelings she has for Jim she's still not sure - not really.

"What will it be like in ten more years? Where will we be? Will I still be working reception and you'll be at the warehouse, going to the same bar with the same guys every night after work? Is that really enough for you?"

"Yeah. Pretty much." He replies, now completely annoyed. "Sorry if it's not enough for you. Freaking Queen of England." He mutters as he turns away from her.

She knows what that expression means. She is immediately defensive. "I'm not being snobby."

"Of course not." He says sarcastically. "It's just nothing is ever good enough for you is it?"

"It's not bad to want more that you have. It's not…" Her voice holds a hint of desperation as thoughts of Jim begin to flash through her mind.

"What do you want Pam? A house with a stupid patio?" He doesn't know what to say to get her to stop harping at him.

"Terrace." She says sadly.

"What?" He looks at her confused.

"It's not a patio it's a terrace." She whispers.

"Fine." He wants to punch something she's making him so angry. That look on her face, the one of complete and utter disappointment. It's all he sees lately. He paces the floor a bit and then turns back to look at her. "You know what? Why don't you just give me a dictionary next time you want to talk? You know - since I skipped college and all."

She takes a deep breath as she stares up at him. "I don't think we should get married." She says softly.

He pretends he doesn't hear her. "Give me a break, Pam. C'mon - for just five seconds ease up a little."

"Roy. I need you to listen to me. I don't think we should do it." She says again.

He takes a steadying breath and moves closer to her as he attempts again to repair the damage. She's talking crazy - so whatever he did he knows he's got to do some major grovelling now.

He gives her a grin and winks at her. "Look. I'm an ass. You know I'm an ass but you love me anyway. I know you're mad but baby, c'mon. Let's go home, let's just relax a little. I'll tell you what. I'll take you to that Italian place you like and you can even order that dessert that takes a half hour."

She looks up at him and is suddenly incredibly sad. He really thinks that that's all she wants - to be able to order the chocolate soufflé that he's usually too impatient to wait for. As if that's all that's wrong here.

"It's more than that - Roy." She says sadly as she sinks down into the couch. "I need you to LISTEN TO ME."

"Alright." He's getting nervous now. For the first time he realizes that there is something different about the way she's looking at him - the way she's talking to him.

"I don't think we should get married." She says again but can't quite meet his eyes.

He blinks as he hears how serious she sounds. "You don't?"

"No. I…I'm just. There's a lot that I think we need…" She can't figure out how to say it. Jim kissed me and I kissed Jim and I think I might love him instead doesn't quite seem fair. "…things aren't the way they should be, Roy. I just…"

His palms begin to sweat because now that he hears her he knows she wouldn't be acting this way if something wasn't terribly wrong. He looks at her face and starts to panic. She can't be serious. What is she saying? She can’t really be thinking of leaving him.

He stammers a bit as he begins. "Y-you wanted me to set a date. I know I took a while but we set it." He moves to sit beside her and places a hand on her knee. "Honey. I thought you were happy now…"

"I know…" She nods and stares at her lap as tears begin to fall.

"And I know you wanted me to do more but look. I got the band and I planned the honeymoon. I thought you'd like to do all the girly stuff with your mom and your friends…"

"I know…" She says with a small sob.

It's bad. He thinks desperately. This isn't just something little. He tries to figure out what to do. He decides the easiest thing is to just ask her. He can tell he's not doing a good job guessing.

"Tell me what you want me to do Pam. I know I've known you forever…" He smiles a bit and inches closer. "…but I can't read your mind. I can't fix it if I don't know it's broken, ya know?" He says softly as he takes her hand in his.

It's familiar and comfortable to sit there with him. It's not like when Jim holds her hand, where her head feels like it's about to float away and her stomach fills with butterflies. But is that just because it's something new that she's not used to or is it different because it's Jim?

She thought that talking to Roy would make it clearer - but it's more confusing than ever.

"Just tell me what you want. Let me fix it." He gently runs a hand over her hair.

She turns to him and fights to find her voice. He looks like she's punched him in the stomach and she feels like just sinking into his arms and crying. Why did she think this would be easier? Suddenly she's not as sure as she was this morning. How did this happen? How did they get here?

It shouldn't be this hard. It shouldn't hurt this much to say the words to him.

She gazes at Roy and runs a hand over the side of his face as she whispers. "I don't know if you can."