Chapter Six

He's been alternatively staring at the door and then his watch. He sighs because it's torture. He hasn't seen or heard from her since she left his house on Thursday and he doesn't know what that means.

Is no news good news? Is it bad news? His head spins trying to figure it out. As he sits there the door swings open and suddenly she's there.

And she looks exhausted.

"Pamalamala." Michael calls out as he sees her come in the door. He slaps a hand on the counter and gives her a glare. "You - are - tardy young lady."

"I know Michael, I'm sorry I…" She doesn't pick her head up.

"Tardy, tardy who likes to party?" He sings over her and does an incredibly awkward dance.

"I'm sorry. I had a long drive. I hit some traffic." She says softly. Please stop. She silently begs.

Long drive? Traffic? So she's still at her parents'. Interesting. Jim begins to smile.

"I was going to have to ask Ryan to replace you but he didn't shave his legs today." He says with a laugh as he looks in Ryan's direction. Ryan - as usual - looks like he wants to hide under his desk.

Jim gives Michael a confused look.

"For the skirt." Jim continues to stare at him as if not understanding. "The skirt Jim. Pam wears skirts - if Ryan was the receptionist he would have to wear a skirt…and since he's a man - he'd definitely need to shave - not that his legs aren't fantastic just the way they are…"

Jim bites his lip to keep from laughing as Michael goes on. "I saw them when we played basketball and they are just like the Mona Lisa's or is it Lisa Marie Presley? One or the other anyway…"

Jim gives him a blank look.

Michael finally gives up. "Glad you could make it today Pam. Good to see you back." He says as he walks back to his office.

Jim waits for her to settle in her seat before he slowly walks over, his smile widening with every step he takes. "So…" He says softly as he leans over the ledge.

"We're not doing this here." She whispers, not looking up at him.

He stands up straight, a bit confused. "Pam?"

Her voice shakes a bit as she pretends to be writing notes on the pad next to her. "We're not doing this here, or in the stairwell or in the anywhere on the premises, Jim. We're just not having this conversation right now."

She finally gazes up at him. "Do you understand what I'm saying?" She asks her gaze as serious as he's ever seen.

"Yeah…sure." He nods in reply. This isn't good is his only thought.

"Good." She whispers as she rises from her seat and retreats to the ladies room, tears shining in her eyes.

He takes a few jellybeans, not even checking to see what flavor. He pops them in his mouth and tries to nonchalantly walk back to his seat.

Two steps forward, five leaps back. He sighs in frustration. Where was the Pam who kissed him last week like her life depended on it? How could three days change everything?

How did you think three kisses could? Face it Halpert. You knew this could happen.

The whole exchange - of course - was closely observed by Dwight.

"Woman trouble Jim?" He whispers.

"Nope." He says blankly as he feigns checking his email.

He leans back in his chair and taps a pen on the edge of the desk. "Their species is peculiar. You need to approach them carefully." He lurches forward and brings his voice to a low murmur. "Question. Have you ever seen the award winning documentary on the wildebeest? It was on the Discovery Channel last weekend. Fascinating."

"I'm sure, Dwight." Jim couldn't be less in the mood to hear about African wildlife. "Must've missed it."

"You should. It's completely changed my sex life." Dwight says with an authoritative nod.

He visibly cringes at the image that puts in his mind. Lucky Angela. Jim shakes his head.

His eyes wander over to the door to the ladies room and he can't help but wonder.

If we aren't going to talk here, where are we going to talk?

xoxoxoxoxo

He gets his answer at lunchtime. They don’t eat together but they cross paths in the break room.

"Could you drive out near Carbondale?" She whispers as she presses a note in his hand. "It's on my way home. I'm sorry about earlier but I just can't do this here."

The fact that she's passing him notes like it's high school leads him to comment. "Sure. I'll just cut 8th period."

She doesn't laugh. She doesn't smile. She simply looks up at him and he desperately tries to read the enotion on her face. But for the first time ever he just can't.

"Please?" She asks him then.

"Sure." He says softly. She tries to move past him and his hand catches her arm. She pulls away as if he's burned her. "Pam. Wait a second. Are you OK?"

"No." She shakes her head at him. "I'm not."

"OK." He reaches out to run a hand over her hair but she turns and walks away, leaving his fingers hovering aimlessly.

Not good. Definitely not good.

xoxoxoxoxoxo

They leave twenty minutes apart. He follows the directions in her note and it leads him to a park on the outskirts of Scranton.

She's even drawn him a map on the back, and it's incredibly detailed and lifelike. He's awed again as he's reminded how talented she is.

He wants to make another joke - to call this clandestine meeting they're having Threat Level: Dusk but he thinks, correctly, that it's not a time to joke.

He finds her sitting on a bench. Her head is down and she's kicking her feet idly. The dirt is making a little dust cloud and he says the first thing that comes to his mind.

"You're going to lose your distinction if you keep that up." He says softly.

Her head pops up at the sound of his voice. "Huh?"

"Those sneakers might never be white again." He smiles.

"Yeah." She smiles back because for a moment it seems normal again. But quickly, she averts her eyes from his.

He is looking for a clue, but he's having a hard time. He doesn't know if she wants him to sit beside her. He thinks he should know but he can't tell what's she's thinking.

"So." She picks at an invisible thread on her skirt. "I called off the wedding." She says matter-of-factly.

It's exactly what he wants to hear. His hopes soar briefly, but the way she looks, the way she sounds, he can't read her.

"That's…great."

It's great. Right? You're calling off your engagement. It should be…great.

Why doesn't it feel great?

"I tried to at least..."She says with a sigh

Now he's even more confused. "What?"

She looks over at him and starts again. "Roy - he doesn't…really get it. Not completely. I want you to know. I didn't tell him. I didn't say anything about…you know - what happened with…us."

"Oh." The one syllable speaks volumes. Jim's heart climbs to his throat.

"That's…that's not the real problem anyway so…" Her voice sounds incredibly far away.

She kicks at the dirt again and shivers. "So. Yeah. It's not going to happen on the tenth though..."

His legs aren't going to hold him much longer. He sinks onto the bench beside her but carefully keeps his distance.

"OK." At least that's something right?

"I did a lot of thinking this weekend." She starts again. ”And…" She takes a deep, steadying breath. "I've decided something. I decided that I c-can't just leave him and move on to you."

She finally said it and she thinks it should make her feel better.

But as she catches a glimpse of his face it does the complete opposite.

"Oh." Once again he's been robbed of his vocabulary. He can't think of any other response to that at the moment. His heart is too busy shattering in a million pieces.

She keeps speaking, trying to make him understand. "I wanted to thank you, mostly. You gave me a push, and I really needed it Jim. It was a long time coming. I used to think to myself all the time, Roy just takes you for granted…is this really what you want? And then suddenly there you were. More and more often, you were saying those same things out loud. Sometimes you didn't even say it. You'd just look at me and I'd know what you were thinking. And it made me angry - because you don't know him and you really don't know me as well as you think you do..."

"I disagree." He says in complete protest. "I think I know you pretty well."

"Jim." Her eyes lock with his and her gaze holds no warmth. "You're going to need to let me talk."

He bites his bottom lip and tilts his head at her, urging her to continue, even though he's pretty sure he's not going to like what she says.

She tears her eyes from his and stares at her lap as she goes on. "You know a lot of things about me. Like what yogurt I eat and that I love to draw and that I don't eat the crusts on my grilled cheese sandwiches. And we have a million things in common you and me. You make my life bearable; I know I'd die if I couldn't see you every day."

She means all these things, even if to him it feels like he's gotten the world's crappiest consolation prize. Hey Halpert, be thankful for small blessings. At least she hasn't said, "I love you..like a friend."

He begins to focus on her words again. "You're amazing - you really are. But the thing is -you only know who I am now. You have absolutely no idea who I used to be."

He can feel it coming, almost...smell it in the air. He can sense what's next and he's standing there paralyzed, just waiting for the axe to fall.

And it does, blessedly quickly, but not quite quick enough to dull the pain.

Pam picks her head up again and whispers. "He does."

She wipes at her eyes, the tears falling because she doesn't know, not really, if she's making the right decision. She finds it hard to keep talking because her breath is becoming more and more labored. This is so hard. She thinks. This is harder than anything else in the world.

"I'm not saying he's right for me. I'm not sure that he is. But..." She stands up and hugs her arms around her. She can't look at him when she says this next. "Right now I'm not sure that you are either."

She can hear him suck in his breath and she knows she's hurting him. She knows and her heart breaks but she has to keep going, she has to try to make him understand. "I don't know who I am anymore, Jim. I don't know where I went. I stopped paying attention at some point so I'm as much to blame as he is…"

She takes another deep breath and stands on shaky legs her eyes meeting his. "I know we can't go back to the way things were. And after what's happened between us…" She's getting that feeling again, the one she gets when he looks at her a certain way and she has to fight the urge to just throw herself at him

Just do it, Pam. You know he loves you. It would be so, so easy.

"I'm not even sure that I want to. Maybe…" Weakening again she almost says, Maybe I really could love you.

But it's too soon and she can't let herself finish. She's not strong enough yet. She inhales deeply and keeps to her original plan. "The only thing I'm really sure of is that I need some…time."

Time. He thinks desperately. Pam c'mon. We've wasted so much already.

He shoves his hands in his pockets and hunches his shoulders. He clears his throat and tries to find his voice. It comes out strained and scratchy. "So. Um…what do we do now?"

"I don't know." This whole thing has taken so much out of her that she almost wants to laugh. She sighs as she looks over at him. "Got any ideas?"

He hears the change in her voice. She sounds almost…normal. He raises his eyes and looks at her. "Parcheesi?" He suggests with a half smile.

Her eyes squint a bit and she smiles back at him. "Does anyone actually play Parcheesi?"

"What?" He looks at her, shocked. "Are you serious? I'll have you know I'm in a league."

"A Parcheesi league." She gives him a look and bites her bottom lip to hold back her laughter.

"Yes. It's very competitive." He deadpans. "I'll have you know I'm a purple belt."

"Interesting. I did not know they awarded "belts" for board games." She says thoughtfully. "You better not tell Dwight."

He twists his mouth in disgust. "That's nothing. I'm a black belt in Connect Four."

She can't believe how much better she feels. Joking with him now, she almost believes it will all be OK again…someday. She bends at the waist and says reverently. "I bow in the presence of greatness."

And with that she finally laughs.

The sound is absolute music to his ears. It's a sound he craves on a daily basis and he's reminded, right at that moment, how much he's missed it.

The moment passes as quickly as it comes. They fall silent and in minutes it's once again awkward.

"It was getting really serious there for a while huh?" He says, trying to lighten the mood again.

"It is serious, Jim." She says quietly. "I just…"

He holds up his hand to stop her, simply wanting to remember her laughter. He's got the picture. He doesn't need to hear it again. "I know."

He takes a look around them and sees that the sun has almost set. "You better get going. You have a long ride ahead of you."

"Yeah." She sighs as she starts walking towards the parking lot. He waits for her to get a few steps ahead and follows behind.

His hands are back in his pockets, his fingers touching on the note she'd given him. He knows, without even really thinking about it, he's going to save it forever.

She stands there and looks up at him, unshed tears shining in her eyes. She doesn't know why she does it; it just feels like the right thing to do. She steps closer to him and rests her head on his chest, breathing in his scent, her hands clutching his forearms. She stays there a long moment before rocking back on her heels.

She's moved away before he can react. She quickly turns and slips into her car. He shuts the door and crouches down to whisper. "Be careful. Drive safe."

She nods and she's suddenly blinking back tears again. "I will. 'Night Jim. See you tomorrow."

He steps back as she starts the ignition and then watches as her taillights disappear.

"Yeah." He shakes his head and makes his way to his own car as he whispers. "Tomorrow."