Chapter Seven

He stares at the duffle bag on his bed. It's still half empty. The thought fills his mind that it's nearly big enough to fit an actual person.

Maybe I could trick her into climbing in. He thinks, the ridiculous image making him laugh out loud. Of course, I'd carry her on.

But he knows she's not coming with him. What she doesn't know is that he's not coming back.

He's thought a lot himself in the last few weeks and he's decided he can't do it anymore. He can't sit at his desk and be that close to her without…touching her. He used to be able to do it. He used to have the willpower, or maybe it was just the decency, to keep his distance. But he's had a taste of what he'd been missing, literally, and it's too late to go back to the way things were.

Stamford. Scranton. Pretty much interchangeable anyway. Just one of them was Pam-less.

And right now, maybe that was what he needed.

He stands there and wonders if he's destined to only live in towns that start with the letter "S". I mean, you're even running away to Sydney.

It's something to think about.

Jim moves to his desk and pulls open a drawer carefully taking out a photograph he's kept there for years. It's a picture of Pam, caught in an incredibly candid moment. Her eyes are closed and her head is thrown back and she's laughing. He doesn't even remember who took it - or how he got a copy. He just knows it's a picture that is perfectly her.

He runs his finger over her image and then carefully places it in the zippered pocket of his bag. That's the only way he knows he can truly take her with him. He stands there for a moment and sighs, suddenly startled by the sound of the doorbell.

He makes his way down the stairs and takes a deep breath before he opens the door. And there she is - in person.

"Pam." He blinks at her. What are you doing here? Going to beg me to stay? Cause I will. In a second. Just say the word.

She hasn't slept all night. She kept dreaming of kangaroos and koala bears. Of Jim, dressed as a kangaroo, hopping off into the sunset. It was bizarre and at the same time incredibly comical. She woke up laughing and got in her car and drove straight here.

She wants to tell him about her dream but instead she hears herself say. "Hi. I'm glad I caught you. I umm…brought you a going away present."

"You didn't have to do that." He whispers.

"I wanted to." She says as she holds it out to him.

He takes the CD case from her hands, flipping it over and grinning widely. "Nice. Olivia Newton-John's Greatest Hits Volume II." He reads the list of songs on the back. "This is great. I've completely worn out my copy of Volume I."

"I figured. You know - it even has Xanadu." She smiles back at him.

"It better." He laughs then, even though there's an ache spreading through his chest. You really think you can walk away from her? I don't think you're as tough as you say.

Tell her where you're really going. Tell her you're leaving…for good. See what she says.

"So." She looks up at him, wishing desperately that it wasn't so damn awkward to be with him now. She craves the simplicity there used to be when they just stood there and talked.

At the same time, she found it hard lately not to stare at his mouth when he spoke, remembering the way it felt against hers.

Pam shakes the thought from her head. Time alone. Time. Alone. You needed time alone, remember?

"So." He replied.

"Got enough books? Magazines? It's a really long flight." She asks him then. God. Time is running out Pam. Say something that matters. You sound like a blabbering idiot.

Please, Pam. Ask me something else. Ask me to stay. Ask me… "I think I'm all set. Do you think Britney's really making K-Fed live in the basement? I've got four magazines that say all signs point to yes."

She sighs and thinks about it a minute before she answers. "Yes. But I'm pretty she lets him keep his new girlfriend down there too."

Jim solemnly nods. "That's generous of her."

"Incredibly." She smiles. She tears her gaze from his and stares at the floor. "I'm going to miss you." She finally whispers. "I already do."

Truer words were never spoken. He feels exactly the same way. "I'll miss you too."

"I can't wait to hear all about it when you get back." She says then.

There it was. He looked at her and thought about just not saying anything but she didn't deserve that. She deserved more. She deserved…everything.

"Yeah. About that. Listen Pam…" He blew out a breath. "I'm - uh…I actually got an offer to transfer."

It is the very last thing she expects to hear.

"Transfer?" Her voice is confused.

"To umm…Stamford." He says, not meeting her eyes.

"Oh." She feels like the wind was knocked out of her. "How long have you known this?"

It should be easier. It shouldn't hurt so much. "It's what I actually meant to tell you that…night. That Jan offered me a transfer. But you were standing there and you looked so…" He closes his eyes and basks in the memory for a second. "I just thought I'd take a chance and…" He trails off. There's no need to keep rehashing it.

He trips over his words a bit. Just looking at her face makes him tongue tied. "So. Now that - I mean - I know you said you needed time so I thought that it might make it better for you if I…"

"What?" She stares up at him, refusing to believe. What are you doing? You said if I did called off the wedding that you'd still be here. You said…

He wants to say something else but he keeps going. "…got out of the picture. For - you know - a while."

"Right." Her voice is clipped and she hugs her arms around herself. He always wants to make things better for you. Always. Why are you so surprised?

He can tell that she wants him to be the one to say something but in his mind, he's already said it all. She knows how he feels. She knows. Saying it again won't do anything but make the crack in his heart grow wider.

Say the word, Pam. He silently pleads. Say it and I'll stay.

But - unfortunately for both of them - she doesn't.

xoxoxoxoxo

She doesn't remember leaving his house. She doesn't remember most of what happened that day at work. All she knows is now she's sitting at her favorite restaurant.

Across from Roy.

He's been trying so hard. She can tell it's been really tough on him. The constant ribbing he's getting from the guys for being "left at the altar", living in their house all alone.

He's wearing a shirt she'd always liked. The color brings out his eyes. She can faintly smell his cologne and it's all so achingly familiar.

And even as she looks at him with obvious affection all she can think is…Jim.

Jim's gone. Jim's gone…he's GONE.

For good.

She wants it to be simple, which is why she's here with Roy now. Because it's…simple …being with him. What you see is exactly what you get.

Jim - on the other hand - is complicated. He complicates things. He does nothing but make her think.

Finally Roy's voice breaks through her Jim induced haze.

"So. Stevie and Donovan…they finally started that contracting business."

She looks down at her salad and takes a bite. "That's great." She says as she chews and swallows.

He takes a sip of water, his mouth suddenly dry. "I might - you know - help them out on the weekend. Extra cash never hurts."

"Nope. Certainly not." She says with a small smile.

"That a new sweater?" He says quietly. "It's…nice. It's real pretty…"

"Huh?" She looks down at what she's wearing. It's not new. She's actually had this top for years. But he's making such an effort she smiles back at him. "Yes. It is. Thank you."

She looks back down at her plate and she's suddenly incredibly sad. Because she can feel it and she knows the truth. It's gone. What she had with him before…it's not there now. She can't pinpoint exactly when it disappeared but she knows now it's vanished. She's not sixteen. They're not in high school. It's not what it was anymore.

And she misses what they used to have, even as he sits there across from her. But she knows, deep in her heart, that they won't ever be able to get it back. Too much has happened, too much has still stayed the same. Too much…

"You're such a good guy, Roy." She says softly.

He blushes a bit and nervously plays with his knife. "Thanks."

"You'll make someone really happy someday. I know it." She says then.

His heart falls to his stomach. He straightens up in his chair and stares at her. "Can't I make you happy?"

"You did." She looks into his eyes and her heart breaks again. "You really did but…"

"Not anymore." He looks around the room, hoping to hell there's no one around to witness this. "I get it."

"I'm sorry." She whispers.

"It's fine." But she can tell by his voice that it's far from it.

She fights to explain it to him. "I really am. We just…grew apart."

"No." He shakes his head at her. "That's not it. I never went anywhere."

"You're right." She says quietly. "It was me. I grew away from you."

He sits there in silence, his appetite ruined.

"I'm sorry." She says again. And she really is. She's so incredibly sorry.

"It's fine." He repeats, his voice tinged with anger now. He pushes back his chair and walks over to the waiter to get the check.

Pam puts down her fork and reaches for her purse. She finds herself fumbling for a tissue at the same time as she's willing herself not to cry.

How did this happen? How did she get here? Where did it all go so wrong?

She knows she told them both she wanted to be left alone.

She just never imagined that they'd both actually listen to her.