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DISCLAIMER – I don’t own anything
A/N – This had chapter titles. The versions I have saved don’t have them. So we’re going chapter title-less.
Pam had experienced her fair share of bad days at work. She was used to Michael saying something inappropriate and Dwight making a big scene over something miniscule. But yesterday and the day before were possibly the worst days at work to date. The day before yesterday, her ex-fiancé almost successfully attacked the man she thought she was in love with. And yesterday, the man she was in love with told her in no uncertain words that he didn’t care what she did anymore.
She was pretty sure at one point she used to be in love with Jim, past tense, as in not anymore. Not when he looked at her yesterday like she was some kind of murderer or something, he had so much venom in his words. He was so accusatory, so uncaring and unabashedly mean to her.
Jim Halpert was no longer in love with her anymore. At least that’s how it looked to Pam. He was no longer her friend. Not even an acquaintance. That had become her mantra the past twelve hours. Jim was just her boss. Nothing more, nothing less. Yesterday was the day their friendship effectively died.
It didn’t die in that parking lot this past May. At that point she still intended to talk to him. She still thought of him as a friend, even if he abandoned her when she needed a best friend the most. After what he said yesterday, that she and Roy would find their way back to one another - that was the moment she realized Jim didn’t care anymore. Maybe he never did.
Those thoughts played on endless loop in her brain, mostly against her will, making her stomach twist in knots as she showered, dressed and readied herself for, and got herself to work. Her voice played over in her mind as she drove - he doesn’t care, he’s not your friend. He’s just your boss. He has a girlfriend.
Once she settled in at her desk, she began writing down messages that were on the main line’s voice mail. She found things to occupy her hands, attempting to never look up from her desk unless absolutely necessary. She decided to write down all the times that Jim was there for her.
When had he actually helped her with a real problem? When had he showed he actually deserved the title of Pam Beesly’s best friend? She started the list at nine in the morning. Two hours later the page was still blank and she moved on to looking up things online.
Finding a new job and getting away from Jim was becoming her top priority. Her one mistake, she decided, was letting him be the deciding factor in whether she continued at Dunder Mifflin or not, but she couldn’t continue to stare at the back of his head without either wanting to throw something at it or run over to him and hug him. She couldn’t settle on which one. If she did the latter, she was pretty sure that his new girlfriend would object.
She called her mother last night. Her mother had been much more helpful with advice when she told her Jim kissed her in May. At that time, her mom had been her cheerleader, telling Pam she should be happy no matter what. And if she wasn’t completely happy with Roy then she should be fair to both of them and move on before getting married. Happiness, her mother said, is the most important thing.
But last night, her mother seemed distracted now that Pam thought about it. She sat in the break room having lunch, pretending to read the newspaper while her co workers milled about around her, gossiping about what happened between Roy and Jim. She acted like she did not to hear them. Instead, she thought more about how out of it her mother sounded last night. It wasn’t normal for her mother to dismiss her feelings, but that’s the way it seemed last night. Pam even asked her a few times if everything was all right. Helene assured her that she was fine.
That feeling she had in her stomach that morning kept returning through the day.
Pam was barely able to finish half of her lunch, throwing the rest away when she heard Jim and Karen come into the break room, giggling about something. Without making eye contact with either of them, she quickly gathered the remains of her lunch, tossed them in the trash, and went outside for a few minutes of fresh air, but she refused to let the tears that stung her eyes fall.
She refused to cry over someone who clearly was never there for her to begin with. She should not shed tears for someone who could just turn his back on her so quickly, showing her that their friendship meant nothing.
On one hand yes, she was at fault for ever getting back together with Roy, she thought to herself as she sat outside by the warehouse entrance with just her gray cardigan to keep her warm. She was at fault for telling Roy that she kissed Jim. She would take blame for all of that. And yes, Roy did try to attack Jim. But, she continued to wonder as she wrapped her cardigan more tightly around her, how could Jim say he loved her and then six months later be with someone else. She heard Karen talking to Phyllis about the six month anniversary she and Jim would be celebrating soon. She saw the way he held Karen at the wedding. This wasn’t some rebound, or whatever you call it. This was for real. They really liked one another. Maybe they even loved each other. Hey, good for them. She had no right to be jealous; he never was truly hers to begin with.
As she went back into the warm offices, back to sit behind her desk, she went back to thinking that when she was telling her mother all of this last night, her mother seemed so distracted, distant and uninterested in any of it. That usually meant that Helene thought Pam was wrong, but didn’t have the heart to tell her.
But as the day went on, with each phone call that came in Pam’s stomach twisted just a little bit more, almost to the point of causing nausea. She tried convincing herself that everything was fine. But at three in the afternoon, the phone rang and it was a phone call that would be the beginning of her world being turned even more upside down.
“Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam,” she said, feeling her heart pound as she heard the voice of her sister Penny on the other end.
“Hi. It’s me.” Penny began, sounding as if she had been upset by something.
“Hey, what’s wrong? You never call me at work. What’s up?” she asked, noticing Jim shift slightly in his chair. She was split on wanting him to be listening and hoping he was minding his own business.
“I’m at mom and dad’s house. Wanna come over tonight?”
“I have class tonight though. Penny is everything okay? You sound weird. And we never go to mom and dad’s during the week. What’s going on?” Pam asked, sounding a bit frantic, as she again noticed Jim turning his head in her direction.
“They won’t tell me what’s going on until you get here and it’s making me nervous, please come?” Penny begged, almost in a whisper, as if she didn’t want anyone to hear her.
“OK well it’s a long drive, let me see if I can leave early and I’ll call you and let you know when I’m on my way.”
“Pam’s coming, dad,” Pam heard Penny say on the phone. “Okay sis, I’ll see you in a bit then?”
“Yeah, I’ll be there soon. You’re really making me nervous here though,” Pam said, hanging up the phone, as she suddenly realized her hands had been sweating and she was feeling a little light headed. Sitting for a moment before attempting to move to get up, she noticed again that Jim as angling his head toward her desk. Pam smirked to herself as she though of how nosey he was.
She started to feel a little bit less shaky after a few moments. She noticed that Michael wasn’t in his office and needing to avoid talking to Jim, she went to tell Dwight that she needed to leave early for the day. When Dwight asked why, she replied that it was a family emergency. Jim looked up and caught her eye for a moment. When he opened his mouth to say something Pam quickly looked back to Dwight, thanked him for understanding and walked back to her desk to shut off her computer.
As she made her way to her car and prepared herself for a fairly long two hour drive, she tried to drown her inner thoughts out with music.
But all the way there, all she kept thinking was ‘he doesn’t care about me anymore. And please God don’t let anything be wrong with my family. They’re all I have.’
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© 2006-2023 More Than That | Skin created by Kali