Let me take a step back and talk about Roy for a moment. He’s often characterized as a villain or as being only a dumb jock that doesn’t know what’s going on in front him. Or sometimes I’m criticized for staying with Roy when I had Jim right in front of me. I think what people may not realize or maybe forget, is that Roy was my first love and first loves can be very powerful. And I’ll stand by a statement I’ve made many times before; that Roy isn’t a bad guy, just the wrong one for me.
Around the time that Jim started working at Dunder-Mifflin, with maybe of the exception of when Roy and I first began dating, was, ironically, the closest I ever felt to Roy. And while most people forget that I have been engaged twice--even to me it feels like a distant memory--there is one thing that I do remember clearly: the night Roy asked me to marry him.
It was a Friday. Jim had started the Monday before and I have often wondered if the two were related. Maybe my obvious interest in Jim had given Roy the kick in the pants he needed to officially solidify our relationship. Whatever the case, that afternoon, Roy insisted that I go shopping with my sister so that I would be out of the house. He seemed unusually giddy and I couldn’t help but wonder what he was up to.
When I returned home that evening, the first thing I noticed was that the house was clean. I can’t say that either Roy or I were clean people but when the household cleaning needed to get done, I was always the one to do it. But to be fair, Roy took care of other things, like the car, the roof, the front lawn. So, I can’t begin to describe how happy I was when I came in and everything was picked up. There were no clothes or magazines lying around, no bags of garbage sitting there ready to be taken out, the shoes were nice and neat along the wall. The living room had even been dusted and I could smell the lemony scent of Pledge.
I placed my bags and purse down, calling out Roy’s name, but I received no answer. I could hear him, though, rummaging around in the kitchen. If the rest of the house was clean, the kitchen was the complete opposite, a disaster. There were pots and pans everywhere. Utensils, paper towels, bowls, bottles, boxes, and bits of food lined the counters. And there stood Roy, hunched over the stove attempting to stir whatever was in the big pot. He didn’t hear me come in and was startled when I poked him in the shoulder.
“God…damn, Pam,” he said swirling around. “You scared me. I’m not done yet, I thought you were going to be out until a little later.”
“Penny said she needed to get some studying done before she went out later tonight,” I explained, giving him a half grin. “So? What is all this?”
“Well, it was going to be a surprise,” he said, taking the contents of the pot, which looked like thick noodles, and placed them in a serving bowl. “But I decided I would cook your favorite meal tonight.”
I looked at him suspiciously. My first reaction was that he had done something wrong and this was his way of apologizing. “Is something wrong?” I asked, panicking slightly.
“No, no, nothing like that,” he assured me. Then a broad grin formed on his face, he was giddy about something, what I couldn’t tell. “It’s a surprise.”
I nodded, still unsure. Roy leaned down to give me a quick, affectionate kiss, then took me over to the dining room table, which had been set. Now, he had used all paper and plastic products to set the table with but for Roy, who usually ate whatever was for dinner straight from the box, it was his way of being fancy. He could have used our real dishes but it appeared the dishwasher hadn’t been run. He had also placed a candle in the middle of the table, but it remained unlit, and I wondered if he had planned on having it all ready to go by the time I had returned.
Dinner was ready ten minutes later. It wasn’t the best chicken fettuccini alfredo I have ever had, the chicken was dry, the noodles were over cooked and the sauce was runny, but I have to give Roy a lot of credit. When I lived with him, Roy had a hard time making grilled cheese. During dinner we chatted, Roy asking about my day and how my sister was. This too, was unusual since Roy and I didn’t often inquiry as to how my life was and it had been a long time since the two of us had a nice, sit-down chat. But I took it as a good sign, a hopeful one, that Roy was finally getting his act together.
After dinner, Roy took me to the living room, more excited and giddy than a little child at Christmas. He turned on the stereo and Jewel’s You Were Meant For Me played over the speakers. It was our song; special to us because it was the last dance at the prom we went to years before when we had just started dating. I felt chills run through me as he held me close and we swayed to the music for a minute.
Then, he got down on one knee and my heart began to race. “Pam.” Reaching in his pocket, he pulled out a small black box. I gasped. “I think you were meant for me and I was meant for you and it’s probably time we stop playing house and make it official. Will you marry me?”
“Yeah,” I said, in shock. I took the box gently out of his hands, examining the ring, feeling that my life was headed down the path I had always wanted to go. I took the beautiful diamond ring out and placed it on my finger. “Of course I’ll marry you.”
He looked relieved as he stood up and I pulled him close so that I could kiss him.
“I love you,” I whispered as I held him close.
“I love you, too, Pammy,” he replied.
I was completely gleeful that entire night, calling all of my relatives right away to share the news. Nothing could bring me down from that high. Nothing but the look on Jim’s face when I told him.
--
You know, it’s been debated as to when Jim and I went on our first date. Our first date as a couple wasn’t really a date at all, more of an evening spent at Jim’s apartment, so technically our first actual date could be considered the next day when we went out for dinner. Some people like to comment on that time we were up on the roof and claim that was a date. Jim still insists it was. I still claim that it isn’t a date when the other person is engaged.
What I didn’t know until I saw the documentary, however, was that Jim considered our first lunch out together our first date. He doesn’t actually say that the date was with me in the documentary, only that it had been the worst first date he had ever been on. My heart broke a little when I watched that episode because I remember that lunch date pretty clearly. It was the Monday after Roy had asked me to marry him.
It’s probably no surprise to anyone when I say that Jim and I hit it off right from the start. The first week he was at Dunder-Mifflin, he spent more time coming up to my desk than he did selling paper. We talked and joked around constantly, had our lunches together, sat together in conference room meetings, we really were two peas in a pod.
And then there was that morning he asked me to have lunch with him. Jim admits that he was incredibly nervous when he walked up to reception, that he had been working up the courage all the previous week to ask me out. I don’t remember him being nervous at all, just his usual charming self. And I, of course, said I would go to lunch with him because I didn’t think it was anything more than two friends going out to eat. I seemed to be unaware of a lot of things at the time and too caught up in my own happiness to care.
We were at a booth at Cugino’s Restaurant. Michael must have done something outrageous again because I was talking up a storm about it. Jim was unusually quiet and gave only short answers and nods as replies. He seemed nervous, fidgeting around in his seat. His eyes kept wandering down to my left hand.
“Are you okay?” I asked after he hadn’t spoken for about ten minutes.
“Yeah, I-“ he tried to shrug it off but Jim has always worn his heart on his sleeve. “Are you, uh,” he pointed at my hand. “You weren’t wearing a ring last Friday.”
“Oh, this?” I blushed as I looked down at my ring. I grinned, I couldn’t help it. At the time, I thought getting engaged was the best thing to happen to me. It was then I realized that I had never said a word about Roy to Jim. “Oh, my boyfriend asked me to marry him last night.”
Jim’s face noticeably paled. He quickly went for his water to try and hide it. He forced a smile upon his face. “Wow, that’s…really great,” his voice trailed off, he couldn’t lift his eyes to mine. “I…didn’t even know you were seeing anyone,” he choked out.
Guilt was what I felt right then, as I watched his face fall, though I wasn’t entirely sure why I felt that way. I hadn’t mentioned Roy to Jim but we had just become friends and it had never come up. It wasn’t as though I purposely withheld the information. And, for some reason, I just felt like my work relationship with Jim needed to be separate from my home life with Roy. The lines were clearly drawn in my head, so when Jim looked at me like that, crushed to hear that news, I felt guilty.
I was vaguely aware of Jim’s crush, something in hindsight that I saw a little clearer. I was too wrapped up in my own happiness that I didn’t question the reason behind it. And while It was something that I wanted, even if I didn’t know it, Jim’s feelings were something I feared. I didn’t even think they were real because I might have made it up in my head. But Jim’s crush was very real and something I was unprepared to deal with, so any signs that Jim felt anything, including the glaringly obvious point that he probably thought that our lunch was in fact a real date, were pushed away in my head.
“Yeah, I am. His name is Roy…” I trailed off. Suddenly all of the happiness I had felt from the engagement came crashing down. At the time, I was a little annoyed with Jim. I didn’t understand why he couldn’t be happy and content for me so that I could continue my life just as I had planned it. But he wasn’t. He was hurt and shocked and possibly feeling more emotions that I was.
Jim swallowed hard before he spoke again. “Roy?’
I nodded slowly. “Yeah, Roy Anderson, he works in our warehouse…”
“Wait, that guy? He’s just—“
“He’s what?” I asked sharply.
I thought I saw anger flash across his face before he composed himself. “I mean, congratulations, Pam. That’s very exciting for you.” He forced a smile.
“Thank you,” I said, my voice faint. The guilt was immense but other than that, I didn’t know how to feel. I should have been happy; completely blind and oblivious to everything happy because of my engagement. But I wasn’t and I was confused to exactly why I felt bad, guilty, weird even. If anything, I felt defensive of my relationship with Roy. “We’ve been together a long time. I thought he was never going to ask, but he did and it’s great.” I sounded as if I was trying to convince myself as much as him. “It’s really great.”
I had unintentionally twisted the knife further into Jim’s heart. “That’s great…for both of you.”
We both remained quiet for a long time. I wasn’t sure how to explain the situation better or how to undo it, even though I wanted to put everything back the way it was. And I don’t think Jim could speak without letting out everything he felt. The tension that would build over the next three years was born in that moment.
Eventually, our food came and I made a loose comment about Dwight, which at least got us talking again. What really needed to be said remained unspoken and the charade of being only friends had started.
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© 2006-2023 More Than That | Skin created by Kali
© 2006-2023 More Than That | Skin created by Kali