Jim was distant for a while after the lunch at Cugino’s. Still being on a high from getting engaged, I didn’t notice at first, but he stopped coming to my desk for small talk, stopped sitting next to me during meetings, generally avoided me altogether. Jim told me once that if there was ever a time he could have walked away, it was in those few weeks. Had he moved on to another job and gotten away from Dunder-Mifflin, our stories would be completely different now.
It wasn’t until a few weeks had passed that I began to realize how much I had been enjoying Jim’s company. I found myself alone at home one evening. Roy had gone out to play poker with some friends. It wasn’t often that I would have an evening alone but when I had one, I usually enjoyed it. I would often curl up with a book or work on my drawings, drink some tea, and enjoy that I had a moment to myself. I usually found myself looking forward to those quiet evenings but that night I was restless.
I had a half dozen bridal magazines to look through, but since planning the wedding had become somewhat stalled due to Roy’s lack of interest, I didn’t feel much like it. It was then that I wanted someone to talk to. Strangely enough, it wasn’t Roy that I missed; I was still glad that he was out for the night. I just wanted a friend. It occurred to me that I really didn’t have anyone to call. There were a handful of people I could try to call; my sister, a few friends from high school, some of the wives and girlfriends of the guys Roy hung out with but no one that I was close enough with that they would drop everything to come and hang out with me.
I found myself lonely, with no real way to overcome that.
I turned on the TV, flipping mindlessly through the channels. The Blair Witch Project was on one of the cable channels and it made me think of Jim and that first day he showed up. Suddenly, I found myself missing him. I couldn’t place why, we had only just met and it wasn’t like we were ever close, merely coworkers that had joked around some, but after thinking it through I realized he had been someone to talk to, someone I found myself wanting to know better. And it was then that it hit me how distant he had become.
I felt a rush of sadness sweep over me. I wasn’t sure if I had or hadn’t done anything wrong. I still wasn’t clear on Jim’s feelings were for me and I purposely avoided that question, knowing that one or the both of us might get hurt if there was anything more than a friendship there. There was a small part of me that worried if Jim had decided not to bother being friends with me now that he realized I was engaged. But I knew I still wanted him as a friend and beginning the next morning, I was determined to make sure we stayed that way.
It began as simple gestures. I smiled at him when he first came in, threw glances his way when Michael or Dwight did something outrageous, made it a point to small talk whenever I gave him a memo or a phone message. I also made it a point to eat lunch with him on the days that Roy didn’t come up from the warehouse and while we only small talked, never discussing anything about our personal lives at first, Jim would at least partake in the conversation. He still held himself back, and later I would figure out it was because he didn’t want to become too attached, but I slowly chipped away at the defensive walled he had placed between us.
--
I liked to believe that my persistence had brought Jim around. He claims that what gave him real hope was the day he officially met Roy.
It was the end of the day and Jim was standing at my desk, not really talking about anything, possibly just watching me play solitaire, which he did regularly. Roy entered the office and approached my desk. He didn’t even give Jim a second glance.
“C’mon, baby,” he said, leaning on the desk next to Jim. “You ready to go? The guys want to play a pick up game after work and I want to get home so I can change.”
“Roy,” I said with a bit of frustration. It wasn’t just that he came off as demanding, it was also the fact that he had completely forgotten we had plans. “We have an appointment with a minister about the church tonight,” I reminded him.
Roy scrunched his nose. “What? That’s tonight? What time is it at?”
I let out a sigh. “It’s at seven,” I replied.
“That’s plenty of time,” Roy insisted. “I’ll just play my game and meet you there.”
“Don’t you want to shower first?” I asked.
He looked at me blankly for a moment. “Why do I need to shower?”
I groaned and looked over at Jim, doing the best I could not to openly roll my eyes at Roy. If it had been Michael or Dwight saying that kind of statement we both would have joked about it. Since it was Roy, I felt embarrassed. Jim shifted uncomfortably, trying to remain quiet and out of it. “So you can look presentable tonight,” I answered.
“Pfft, whatever,” Roy replied. “Why aren’t you done yet? What are you doing that’s taking you so long, anyway?” Roy bent over the desk to see my computer screen, which had the solitaire game still up. He looked annoyed. “Card games, really? C’mon, let’s go.”
Jim, to my surprise, interjected. “Uh, she was, uh, just going to do a fax for me,” he said. There was no reason for him to lie, it wasn’t as if I was in trouble with Roy or anything, but I found it interesting that Jim had made up the situation more or less just to help bail me out. “It’s a big client and we have to get it out now or else we might lose the sale.”
Roy looked Jim up and down, as if really noticing him for the first time. Roy looked as though he might say something snarky but instead didn’t and brushed Jim off as nothing. “Yeah, whatever, just hurry up, okay? I’ll be waiting in the car.”
“Yeah, fine,” I muttered as watched Roy leave.
When I turned back to Jim, he was smirking. “So, that was your fiancé?” he asked.
“Yeah, Roy’s just—“ but I let the sentence die, not sure if I could place how I felt about Roy in a single sentence.
“So, uh, have you guys picked a date yet?” It was the first time he asked about the wedding. My engagement seemed to be one of those things that we never brought up.
I shook my head. “I’m not sure. It kinda depends on where we’re going to have it. I’d like it to be some time next fall but Roy hasn’t mentioned any dates. I don’t know…”
Jim put a hand up to his mouth, trying to hide how broad his grin had gotten. “Yeah, well, I’m sure you’ll figure it out.”
I looked at him suspiciously. “Yeah, I suppose we will…”
--
There’s an old superstition or saying that my mother had told me that a couple should be engaged at least six months before they get married. The six months of Roy and my engagement came and went with us no closer to getting married than we were when he first asked me. I actually had most of it planned, what dress I was going to wear, what flowers I wanted, even a hall for the reception, but Roy had made no attempt to pick a date. The longer he stalled, the less I planned and soon I felt as if the ring around my finger was a just an empty promise.
On the other hand, Jim and I were slowly growing closer. Jim was up at my desk constantly, whenever he wasn’t supposed to be selling paper and even sometimes when he was. Most of the time it was just small talk but he would always ask my opinions on things, something that Roy never did. Jim made sure always to open the door for me when we first arrived at work or he would pull out a chair for me at lunch time. The small things were beginning to add up and I found myself looking forward to work every day.
I couldn’t tell you when I started considering Jim my best friend. A best friend is someone I considered to be the person to whom one would tell everything, and Jim fit that mold. At first it wasn’t intentional but the more Jim and I began to talk at work, the more I opened up to him about my life, about things I liked, things I didn’t like, problems I had with Roy or my parents, and we often commiserated about how bad Dunder-Mifflin was. He was the one person I could talk to about anything, but it would be a long time before I understood the significance of that.
I can, however, tell you the moment that I became aware that I had actual feelings for Jim. Jim was sitting in the kitchen when I walked in, going straight for the fridge for lunch. I noticed him watching me carefully as I pulled out my sandwich and yogurt. Without any hesitation, I joined him at the table.
“Hey,” I said as I pulled the lid off the yogurt.
“Hi, uh--” he began as I dipped the spoon into the container. “Wait,” he said so quickly that it startled me. “Uh, this might sound weird, and there's no reason for me to know this, but that mixed berry yogurt you're about to eat has expired.” He looked down at his own sandwich, as if embarrassed that he knew such a thing.
I sat there silent for a moment, stunned, not because knowing when the yogurt expired was a strange thing but because it occurred to me that he had taken the time to look out for my well being. He cared. That’s the big thing that hit me in that moment. Jim cared enough about me to make sure I wouldn’t be eating expired yogurt. Some may think it an odd thing to know, maybe even creepy. Jim certainly thinks it’s weird that I have the moment forever stored in my brain as when I knew I cared for him, but to me, someone who up until that point hadn’t gotten much attention of any kind, someone who felt like they didn’t have many people looking out for them, it meant the world.
My lips formed into a half smile. “Thank you,” I replied sweetly as I threw the yogurt into the trash. Neither of us said another word about it but I can’t begin to describe the impact that one gesture had on me.
It’s strange how such a small, subtle moment can change your entire perception of a person. When he looked back to me with those kind, green eyes of his, I felt it. It was somewhat like those butterflies I felt that day in the conference room when we brushed up against each other but this was stronger. More powerful. I was much more aware now that I cared for him. Cared for him deeply. Cared for him much more than two coworkers who happened to be friendly towards each other.
Jim was my best friend, that I had already known, but in that moment stirred something more. I couldn’t put it into words, nor did I dare explore the feelings, fearing what they might lead to, but I knew then that what Jim and I had was special. And there was a part of me that selfishly wanted him all to myself. I didn’t want anyone else to have the bond with him that I had.
--
As I grow older and have gotten more perspective about the situation, I have come to believe that falling out of love is a lot like falling in love. Falling in love is like a crescendo of feelings that slowly build until your heart is so full that it can no longer be ignored. Falling out of love is like the reverse, a slow deflation of those feelings until you no longer feel anything at all. What I didn’t seem to wrap my brain around, probably because I was too young to understand or too stubborn to accept, was the fact that during that time, before the documentary crew arrived, I was experiencing both. Because of that, lines became blurred, feelings for one became transferred to another, and the whole situation became so complicated that I often didn’t know or understand how I felt.
I really did my best to keep my feelings for Jim hidden not only from Jim and Roy but also from myself. But no matter how hard I tried, those feelings began to seep through into my actions. Prepared for it or not, things in my life were changing.
The loneliness I used to feel began to fade. I began to enjoy those nights to myself more, just knowing that the next day I would have Jim to talk to. The weekends often seemed long, though, and I often felt anxious to go back to work.
Every once in a while, I contemplated calling Jim. I could get his number easily enough, just by checking a client report or, hell, I could have even asked him. But I never did, not sure where the line was between appropriate and inappropriate. He never asked for mine and in that first year, we never did anything outside the office.
I often talked a lot about Jim when I was at home. Enough so that my mother and my sister began to take notice. Roy, however, didn’t seem to mind or even notice that anything was different. Jim was almost a blessing to him because then I would discuss all my issues with him and not bog Roy down with it.
It was almost as if I was split in two, Jim getting my emotional side, how I felt, who I was while Roy got my physical body. It really wasn’t fair to either of them or myself for that matter. But I had struck up such a nice balance, and I felt so happy for the time being, that I hid behind the charade.
--
My possessiveness over Jim began to grow stronger. Of course, I had no real claim over him and I kept telling myself that he was free to do as he wished but every once in a while my jealous side was stirred. It never really occurred to me that Jim had a life outside the office until the day I heard him talking on the phone to someone I didn’t know. It was a girl, I knew, because I transferred the call.
“Yeah, I had a great time last night,” I heard Jim say. I watched carefully, maybe too carefully, and tried to go back to doing my work but I couldn’t help but try to pay attention as he talked. “Yeah, that was fun…we should do it again some time…tonight…sure, I never have plans…” I wanted to see him look apprehensive, doubtful, dismissive but I saw none of those things. He was happy and laughing into the phone and I couldn’t help but feel a little irked that he was having a good time with someone else.
When he hung up the phone, he went back to work as if it were no big deal. My curiosity getting the best of me, I walked over to his desk with the pretense that Michael had sent out a new memo. After I gave it to him, I leaned against his desk.
He stared at me for half a second before giving me a half-smile. “What’s up?”
I gave a shrug as if I was trying to be casual. I’m not sure how well it came off. I figured I was being nonchalant about the whole thing but Jim later would burst my bubble and tell me that he was usually aware of when I got jealous. “So, um,” I played with the cuff of my sleeve. “Who was that on the phone?”
“Oh, uh, Amy?” he looked extremely uncomfortable and began to play with the folders on his desk. “Just a friend of my roommate’s. She’s…nice.”
“Ah,” I said, letting the conversation die into an uncomfortable silence. “So, you have a hot date tonight or something?”
He nodded slowly, trying very hard not to look at me. “Uh, yeah, something like that.”
“Well, try not to have too much fun,” I teased, though my over-cheeriness was obviously false.
He forced a laugh. “Yeah…I won’t.”
“Will the two of you please stop talking about your personal lives so I can concentrate on selling paper?” Dwight interjected harshly.
Jim and I exchanged looks. Normally, Dwight’s comments wouldn’t stop either of us from chatting but it looked as though Jim was done with the conversation so I headed back to my desk trying to shake off the uneasy feeling I had about he situation.
Jim didn’t speak about Amy again and two weeks later, when I asked him about it, he mentioned that they decided to stop seeing each other because she was into someone else. Although he didn’t look broken up over it at all, which I secretly delighted in, he didn’t discuss any details. In fact, after that, Jim was very low key about any women he dated and I ended up being pretty in the dark about his social life until Katy Moore arrived at the office. But I’m getting ahead of myself with that.
It’s also funny to me, looking back, that Roy used to blatantly hit on waitresses when we went out or comment on how nice a woman’s rack was right in front of me. Of course I was irritated but Roy’s observation of other women never made my stomach turn quite the same way as when Jim would merely mention that he had a date.
--
There were certain things I could explain away in those early years. I no longer felt lonely because Jim was my friend. I hadn’t had a lot of good friends in my life, so I felt grateful to have him. And, sure, I would feel possessive from time to time because Jim was my best friend. We had something special and I wanted to preserve that. But the one thing I couldn’t explain away with some logical lie was the sexual attraction that was beginning to build. I tried to bury it well, pretend very much that it didn’t exist but it was there from the beginning though I remained very much in denial of it.
It started with his eyes. I began to notice how beautiful they were, a light green with a little bit of gold shining in them when you looked in the right light. Then it was the smile. His charming, warm smile that was often contagious and made me melt, even though I tried hard to convince myself that it didn’t. When his hair began to grow out, it stuck out at odd angles and I often found myself wanting to pat it down but also wanting to run my fingers through it to see if it was soft as I imagined, but it took all my effort to refrain.
Michael instituted casual Fridays in the years before the documentary came. I looked forward to the summer months because Jim always came in wearing a T-shirt and jeans that fit his frame nicely. I always seemed to notice the tone of his arms, the definition of his chest and stomach, and occasionally, when I really couldn’t help myself, I would check out his butt.
Consciously, I would chide myself for doing such things and would shake my head to eradicate any more than just friendly thoughts. I often chalked it up to just appreciating the male form or having been with Roy for so long, it was nice to look at someone else. But subconsciously, I wanted Jim. I wanted Jim badly though while I was still with Roy, I never let myself think that.
At first, any of the feelings I had were completely harmless, just a quick floating through my brain. Eventually, when they were stronger, they began to infiltrate my relationship with Roy.
Roy and I had a decent albeit unadventurous sex life. When we were younger, we tried a variety of things but as we settled into our relationship, whenever Roy felt like doing it, we would and it usually consisted of me on my back while Roy pounded into me. Sometimes, I would drift off, a variety of celebrities would come into my head and I have to admit that sometimes that helped me get more pleasure out of it. But when Jim popped in there the first time, it freaked me out so much that I closed my eyes and tried to concentrate on any other hot guy I could think of until Roy finished.
The second time it happened, it didn’t bother me as much and I shrugged it off, thinking that maybe my mind was taking any guy I knew and sticking them into head. I glossed over the fact that I never though about any other guys I knew during sex.
The third time I let myself indulge a little, letting myself picture Jim on top of me, in me instead of Roy. I felt more turned on than I ever had before and began to match Roy’s aggression. I not only came, which was something that didn’t always happen but I came before Roy. Roy was so enthused at the change that we did it every night that week, and each time, I let myself think of Jim.
I felt so guilty after that week that I promised myself I would never let myself think that way again. Interestingly enough, even though Roy and I were becoming more distant and the sex became far and few between, I made sure I was an active participant, making sure I could enjoy it so that I wouldn’t have to rely on fantasies
--
A lot of people ask how Jim could have held out as long as he did. Truth is, he could see me clearer than I saw myself, and as he often puts it, it was just a matter of waiting for me to come around. My one regret is that I made him wait for so long.
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© 2006-2023 More Than That | Skin created by Kali
© 2006-2023 More Than That | Skin created by Kali