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Ladies and gentleman, may I please have your attention…. Stop whatever you’re doing and listen to this very important, super exciting announcement…..This past Tuesday, the Halperts welcomed its littlest member home. That’s right; my main man, Benjamin “Big Bad Ben” James Halpert, is finally home! I’m sorry for not announcing this sooner…we are in major transition, as you might imagine, which means writing has taken a back seat, unfortunately.
Ben is doing very, very well and continues the pattern he established in the NICU – eat, sleep, sleep some more, eat again, and sometimes poop. The hums, beeps, and nerves of the NICU have been replaced by giggles and squeals and countless smiles to brighten our days…good stuff! He has been enjoying some good cuddle time with mom and big sister and is currently curled up next to me on the couch while mom and sis are grocery shopping. (It’s pretty hilarious to see how excited Cece gets when she goes to the grocery store with Pam. Every little outing for her is a grand adventure!!)
Ben is a very good baby. I know every parent says that about their kid, but Ben is just cool, calm, and collected. And trust me; this is not an easy title to hold when Cecelia “easy-as-it-goes” Halpert happens to be your big sister. We are literally surprised when he is upset about something (as if that is something babies are not known for!). While the rest of our world swirls about at the pace of a headless chicken on crystal meth, Ben doesn’t seem to notice, or care for that matter. He is as content as content can be…for now, at least, and we are going to enjoy it while it lasts!
Miss Cecelia is also doing very well. She was a little unsure of things when we first brought Ben home (I think we all were), but now she’s a pro! She keeps us smilin’…and laughing…and usually shaking our heads in bewilderment! The other day this girl came to our bed after we tucked her in saying she couldn’t sleep because her eyes wouldn’t close all the way.
“What do you mean, girl?” I asked her.
“Daddy, looooh,” she said squinting those big blue eyes of hers. “See? I don close’m!”
Pam and I just looked at each other and laughed. How does she come up with things like that? Pam insists she got it from me. But I have six words for her: government-created killer nano robot infection. Wondering what’s that all about? Yeah, Pam thought that disease up herself. It was a long, long time ago, but I still remember. So, where does Cece gets her wit from? It’s debatable.
Thankfully we had a cure for her little aliment - a big, warm cup of milk and a good dose of cuddle time with mom and dad. No eyes can remain open after that! She was down and out like a light. I can’t help but think….At three years old this little lady is inventing new diseases, I can’t begin to imagine what she will come up with at five, seven…thirteen!?
Wow, I’m getting ahead of myself here…
Anyways…..We had a little get-together yesterday to officially celebrate Ben’s home coming. Not everyone was able (or allowed) to visit him at the hospital, so we invited everyone to come and meet him. It was really nice to finally show him off, you know? My brothers and their families came, Pam’s aunts and uncles, my cousins and their kids…it was a little chaotic, but it was nice.
Pam’s dad also came. That was surprising to both of us. The whole time Ben was in the hospital, Bill came to visit him once. I know he and Helene don’t get along and I know he doesn’t want things to be awkward… I know, I get all that. But sometimes we need to act like grownups and put the past aside. Bill didn’t really need to be there for Ben…. He needed to be there for Pam.
Sadly, Pam has gotten used to not having her dad around. She has come to terms with the fact that he is living a different life; one that she’s has a small role in. This depressing conclusion didn’t come easy to her. She couldn’t admit it for a long time. She hoped that someday her parents would find their way back to one another and I think a small part of her still believes that. Hope dies last, right?
Bill didn’t want to stay at first, saying something about a prior commitment he needed to attend. Pam’s face immediately fell. To an outsider, she put on a happy facade. But I know all the subtle nuances of her face, I know each and every twitch and flicker that ever rippled across it. And I could clearly see all kinds of sad. That was when I decided to do something.
“Hey Bill,” I casually called him. “Do you want to come up with me? I need to change Ben’s diaper.”
He was reluctant, but I knew he wouldn’t say no. I know Bill’s done a lot of douch-y things, but he is a decent guy. “Sure.”
Once we were up in Ben’s nursery, I let the silence reign for a bit. I didn’t want to come right out and attack him. I knew his guard was up, it’s always up. I just watched him wander around the nursery, fingering the decorations and little pictures frames we have around.
“Did Pam paint this?” He asked. I was glad he was the first one to break the silence.
“Yeah, she did,” I said.
“It’s really something.”
I just nodded.
Then, through my periphery I watched him pick up a picture frame from atop Ben’s dresser. He looked at it intently, his eyebrows furrowing in concentration. I turned back to Ben and focused on changing his diaper. He was almost falling asleep on the changer. Moments after, I heard Bill hesitantly shuffling his feet towards me. I fastened the traps on Ben’s new diaper and gave him a big kiss, square on his big belly, and lifted him to me.
“Is this Ben?” He asked, pointing at the picture.
“Yeah, that was him the day after he was born.”
“Wow, he...umm…”
“I know. He looks like a little baby alien,” I joked.
He chuckled and said, “I didn’t want to say because he’s my grandson, but yeah… He was really small, huh? Is that your wedding band around his wrist?”
“Yeah… crazy small, right?”
“Yeah,” he said looking at the picture, his gaze a few miles away. “You know Jim, I wanted to come and see you and Pammy.”
“Why didn’t you, Bill? Pam would have been really happy to have you there.”
“Honestly, Jim? Every time I come around I feel like an intruder.”
“Bill, you know that’s not true.”
He looked at me and said with a huge gush of air, “Well Helene thinks I’m—”
“I’m sorry, Bill. But I have to interrupt you right there,” I said and positioning Ben I little further up on my shoulder. “I know you and Helene have your differences, but you can’t let that consume your relationship with Pam. She’s your daughter.”
“I know I kno—”
“And we really went through tough times back there. We didn’t know if Ben was going to make it….” I said, clutching a little tighter to Ben. “Pam needed you… She really needed you there….”
He hung his head low and said, “I messed up big time, didn’t I?”
“I’m not going to lie to you….” I began, but didn’t have the heart to finish. I felt sorry for him. “It doesn’t have to be like this, you know? You can make this better.”
“I don’t know where to begin,” he said defeated.
“You can start by staying through lunch,” I suggested.
He looked up at me and smiled. “Okay.”
He stayed until a minute after we had lunch. It’s a start. I’m not here to judge or cast any stone. I would hate to be in his shoes. He is a dad and I know it must kill him to be away from his kids. But yesterday was a turning point for him. He’s called Pam and the two of them have begun talking again. I hope the Bill I met when I started dating Pam makes a comeback.
I just heard Pam pull up on the driveway. I have to go help her unload the car. But before I go I just want to thank you for listening to me through these past months. And if you can take anything useful from my ranting, take this: life is a journey filled with lessons, hardships, heartaches, joys, celebrations and special moments that will ultimately shape who you are. The road will not always be smooth. Some of the challenges will test your courage, strengths, weaknesses, and faith. I can tell you that Pam and I somehow have found ourselves happier, healthier, and hopefully a wee bit wiser at the end of this journey than when we began.
These words might sound empty and maybe vain, but what I’m telling is from experience. Life is simple, it’s just not easy.
Pam is calling me now. I have to go.
-Jim
Chapter End Notes:
One more chapter left!
