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Hmm, what to say, what to say…? First off, this is Pam and not Jim (Gasp!). I’m hacking his blog for the next hour or so while he “cooks” dinner. I had known about this blog for a while now, but I had yet to read a single entry…. that is until today. I’ve cried, I’ve laughed, and I’ve cried some more (What a roller coaster ride!). But I see that Jim’s last entry dates almost six months back. If you guys allow me, I would like to give you an update and maybe my perspective on a couple of things.
First things first, our little guy is as healthy as can be and continues to amaze us with his persistent growth. He is officially nine months and a few days old, but his adjusted age (based on his actual due date) puts him around six months developmentally. Ben “the beef cake” (as he is known) is just about 20 pounds and 8 ounces and measures approximately 27 inches long. Let me tell you, the boy is a formula eating champ, putting on an amazing display of back-to-back full bottle chugs every night. You think I’m kidding? I’m not!
The cool, calm, and collected Ben you were introduced to is long gone (I can hear Jim from the kitchen telling Ben to get out from under the table). He has proven himself to be quite mischievous. When Ben is quiet, something that happens less and less these days, he is probably venturing off to explore and get himself in trouble!
He still isn’t crawling, but he’s mastered the army crawl with great speed…and, boy does he love to be on the move! The kid is everywhere – crawling under the bouncy seat, wiggling his way down the hall, diving into the stacks of clothes, sneaking around the couch, and all points in between! And, oh yeah, don’t get in his way ‘cuz he’s not changing course. He’s also starting to pull up on chairs and tables and Jim thinks it’s possible that he will go from the army crawl to walking without ever doing a real crawl.
He also has teeth! Two to be exact and it’s the bottom two front teeth… adorable. He likes to show it off when he giggles which happens quite a bit these days, even with an ear infection. That’s right. We took him to the doctor for his check up and we came home with a prescription for antibiotics because Ben had infections in both ears! We had no idea he had ear infections because he never once acted fussy or troubled in any way by it. What a resilient guy!
The only thing that we are struggling with him that we didn’t struggle with Cece is the rice cereal feeds. We have recently started him on cereal (mixed with a few greens) and he hates it! Jim can sell him on anything. The other day he gave Ben half a lemon and the kid sucked the thing dry. (You should have seen the faces he made.) But when it comes to the cereal, there are no airplanes, funny faces, or Oscar winning performances that will win him over. I’m pretty sure that if Ben could speak, he would say something along the lines of, “Just what the……….do you think you’re putting in my mouth?!?!?!”
All in all, Ben is a joy and we can’t wait to see what he has in stores for us in the coming years. (Jim says lots of gray hairs!)
From one babe to the other…
Cece turned 4 last month (Where has time gone and why is it in such a hurry to get there!??). We can’t believe our baby girl is all grown up now! Well, I guess “all grown up” is a relative term – I guess grownups don’t put on singing shows for their parents while wearing a princess night grown like Cece did last night. And I guess most grownups don’t pout for half an hour because one of their party balloons floated away while unpacking the car. And I would have to say most grownups do not spend their evenings drawing pictures of their family, complete with rainbows, sunshine, smiley faces, and Daddy’s shaggy hair.
Cece continues to do really well with all of the comings and goings in our new, little world. She has not complained once about her wild little brother, though she definitely has had her moments of major need of attention and clinginess.
I got really worried about her during those crazy months. We expected the jealousy, but we didn’t expect the separation anxiety. Cece didn’t want anyone but me or Jim, which put a lot of stress on us. She also wanted to be carried most of the time and that really was not a viable option. Things got really bad when she began having crying episodes at night.
It was hard to see my child go through that. I was heartbroken. But things got better. A lot better. As my pregnancy became more manageable, we began to separate time just for her and we also made sure we didn’t go a day without seeing her. Even after Ben was born, we continued the “Cece day” tradition. It was hard to balance our time (with Ben in the hospital), but looking back, it was what kept Jim and I from completely falling apart. Cece gave us some sense of normalcy.
There are a lot of things I’ve kept to myself. But while reading Jim’s posts it is clear that I didn’t do a good job at it. One of the things I tried to keep from him was my guilt. I felt really guilty for a lot of things that happened. I know what you are thinking (I can hear your thoughts). Trust me, I know I had no control over the situation, I know it wasn’t my fault. I know all that…..now. Try telling that to a hormonal, pre-eclamptic pregnant lady. I was devastated. There was nothing Jim, the doctors, or the nurses could have said to change the way I felt.
I don’t feel like that anymore. Although, I still feel a small sting whenever I see the scar down Ben’s chest. The doctor says it will “fade” as he grows, hopefully the same will happen to this small bit of guilt I still carry with me.
I want to clear something up. I didn’t go crazy on the nurses the day Ben was born. I simply wanted to see him. (Was it too much to ask to see my newborn son? I think not). I only saw a glimpse of him in the delivery room before he was quickly taken to the NICU. If everyone hadn’t been so mum about my kind inquiries, I wouldn’t have imagined the worse. I thought they were trying to “protect” me or some stupid BS like that. To this day I still don’t know why I only saw Ben 24 hours after he was born.
Jim had his “crazy moments” too. (I’m not throwing him under the bus. I’m just trying to make a point here). One that stands out is when Ben’s heart rate dropped and they had to re-intubate him. (Jim grazes over the incident on the “What just happened?” post). According to the nurse’s report, Jim didn’t want to be leave the NICU and the hospital security had to literally carry him out. Aggressive, belligerent, and enraged are some words that they used to describe him. I know, that’s not Jim, but it’s true. I read the report.
Jim definitely had his ups and downs (Some of them I didn’t know about until I read the posts). But a “down” that clearly stands out was after Ben’s surgery. When I thought he hit rock bottom, he found a shovel and continued digging. He had a tough time being in the same room as Ben. He couldn’t look at him, he didn’t want to touch him and it worried me. He would go to the hospital, but he would stay outside. I would ask him to come in with me but he would always reply, “In a minute.” One day, I confronted him about it.
“It’s been about ten minutes and you’re still out here,” I said.
“I know. I’m going, I’m going.”
“Jim,” I said taking a seat next to him. “You’re not coming in, are you?”
He hung his head.
“But why?”
“I just can’t Pam. He’s… um…. He’s not… I can’t see him like that.”
“Like what?” I really didn’t understand. It wasn’t much different than the NICU.
“Like… sick? I don’t know,” he said in complete and utter defeat.
We went to a support group which helped him (and me) understand that it was okay to feel that way we felt. Part of the problem was that at some point we stopped talking to each other. We both went inward, thinking we would rather not trouble the other with our concerns. But like any other obstacle life has thrown at us, we surpassed it and our marriage is on a more solid foundation than it was one year ago.
I want to take some time here to talk about my husband, Jim. He talked a lot about me. Now it’s my turn (insert evil laugh).
I’m sure you can tell how dedicated he is to this little circus we call our family. He is up with the kids and he’s by their bedside (or crib side) when they go to sleep. He is human and I know the stress of two kids, a wife, and a full time job gets to him. But he never lets his frustrations affect the way he is with me or the kids. He always has time for one more piggy-back ride, one more bedtime story, and one more cookie monster impression.
Pickles, I love you and I couldn’t imagine anyone else I would rather take this journey with. Thank you for being the most loving husband and the most fun-loving dad. Also, I knew it was you who convinced my dad to stay at Ben’s party and for that, I love you more.
Jim is calling me – dinner’s ready. I hope you guys like the update. I’m not sure if there will be more in the near future. But who knows…
Take care,
Pam
Chapter End Notes:
Thanks you for all of you who read and reviewed. I would like to thank more_awake, Aivilo, Khand3stooges, Hannah_Halpert, Deedldee, and NanRag for being my faithful reviewers. I know there were others who reviewed, but this is just a special thanks to them because I could always count on their encouraging words to keep me going.
Much luv
-D
Dedeen is the author of 20 other stories.
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