“Jordan?” Pam looked to her assistant, seriously.
“Umm… we could reconfigure his computer settings to swap letters so that if he was to type an L it comes up an F or something a little more interesting, with auto-correction.” Jordan’s naturally deep voice made everything she said sound ten times more serious.
“I like that.” Jim nodded.
“Also, I have a set of keys to Dwight’s car so we could... change his parking spot or something.”
“We’re going criminal with this?” Jim looked at Jordan, surprised.
“Oh, what? You’re not backing out now Halpert.” Pam scoffed at her husband before looking to Jordan to continue reading out her list of ideas.
“We could move his desk a little bit over through the day until it’s in a whole other place…” Jordan continued.
“Done that one.” Jim interjected.
“Okay, well… we could get a voice recording of him saying “false” and play it every time he speaks.”
“Harsh, but I like it.”
“We could also… superglue the bottom of his mouse. Umm… take a screenshot of Dwight’s computer, setting it as the background but remove all of the icons, so he’ll think his computer is broken. Also, switch the icon sounds on his computer to music from the TV show, Glee. Oh, I also wondered if Dwight had any irrational phobias?”
“I’m pretty sure you could count on it.” Jim nodded.
“Okay, your job for today is to find out what they are.” Pam responded to Jordan, who nodded before continuing reeling off her list.
“Well… other than that, Dwight does have a spare USB dock that you could plug a second mouse or keyboard into and occasionally mess with.” Jordan finished, receiving blank looks from Jim and Pam.
“It’s all very technological these days…” Jim commented.
“I feel like we need to push it a little.” Pam commented.
“As your husband and the father of your children, I feel it is my duty to say, I think you may have gone power-mad.” Jim stated flatly, to a giggle from Pam and a smile from Jordan, though it went unnoticed.
A talking head of Jordan interjects the scene in Pam’s office.
“Jim and Pam are great, they’ve been so welcoming. I think Pam is a great boss. I was a little worried when she started because I don’t think she liked me very much when I first got hired, but now we’re getting on great. Mostly, she just has me come up with ideas to prank Dwight. And… that’s fun, you know. It makes work a little less dull.”
“Well, I think that’s everything. I’m calling Dwight in my office next, so you can get started with the auto-correct settings maybe, Jim.” Pam wasted no time to set Jim off on his task.
“Okay, boss.” Jim took his orders and left the office. Jordan followed behind, figuring that he might need an accomplice.
“Dwight, Pam wants to see you in her office.” Jim muttered to his desk-mate as he sat down, casually.
“You bored her that much, huh? Has she realized that she needs a real man?” Dwight grinned in a slightly sinister way, before performing his usual ‘gun show’ routine.
“Yeah, that’s the reason.” Jim’s eyes were fixed on the computer in front of him as he muttered a response to Dwight.
A talking head of Dwight is shown.
“Pam. While I know that I would do a far superior job, I have enjoyed watching the slow, intense, ugly emasculation of Jim Halpert. If Jim Halpert was the blueprint for mankind, men would walk around with leashes on. Like dogs. What does Pam even need him for now? This would never happen to a Schrute. My mother couldn’t even read; there’s no need for that.”
“Hello Pam.”
“Hey Dwight. Come, sit down.”
“I will. But I do so for orthopedic reasons and not because I submit to your command, because I do not.”
“Okay, Dwight.” Pam had little idea of how to respond, but thought it best not to cause a dispute. “So, I wanted to talk to you about your position here. You have been a valuable employee for many years now.”
“Correct.”
“And I have a glowing reference from Michael regarding your performance as assistant to the regional manager, which I understand you upheld for many years.”
“Correct.”
“Well, I thought that since Jo has ruled out your managing the branch, perhaps I could ask you to return to your position as assistant to the regional manager. I feel that we work together well.” Pam spoke very seriously, as Dwight wore a very sober expression.
“Would it involve a pay rise?”
“No.”
“Would I be able to fire people?”
“Who?”
“Jim.”
“No.”
“Would I get a better parking spot?”
“Dwight, you already park in the closest space.”
“Okay. I will consider it.”
“Good. Of course, it would need to be a secret.”
“What?”
“Well, I don’t want to upset Jim, as one of our best salesman. He probably really wants the job as well.”
“Do you think it will cause relationship problems for you?”
“Umm...” Pam shrugged in agreement. Her eye was also watching as Jim sat in Dwight’s chair, tapping at the keyboard with Jordan lingering over his shoulder helping him. She could see she would need to extend her conversation with Dwight until they were done.
“While I do not care about your marriage…”
“Thank you.” Pam briefly interrupted.
“...I pity your children, so I will not further damage them by splitting up their parents’ marriage. That’s what happened to Mose. He doesn’t speak anymore. Only to the chickens, and only in October. I accept your offer of secret assistant regional manager.”
“Secret assistant to the regional manager, Dwight.”
“Fine.” Dwight relented.
Pam could see Jim and Jordan frantically finishing their messing with the auto-correct configuration. She continued to hold Dwight’s departure up. “One more thing, Dwight…”
“Yes?”
“When Jim takes over when I’m on my maternity leave…” Pam watched as Dwight paid her full attention. “…I need you to still fulfill your duties to me, without Jim realizing that you are secret assistant to the regional manager. You will not be secret assistant to the acting regional manager, but remain my humble servant.”
“I understand.” Dwight nodded, obediently.
Pam was amused by Dwight’s bizarre mentality. He criticized Jim for his obedience, and yet when it came to the ARM position that he so adored, his behavior completely altered. By the time her thought had finished, Pam noticed that Jim and Jordan had finished with Dwight’s computer, and so allowed him to leave.
Dwight simply gave Jim a smug smile on his way out.
Andy was in the kitchen pouring a coffee into a mug with his face on when Erin, wearing her inexplicably enthusiastic smile, walked in. His reaction was a confused one.
“Hey Andy.” Erin smiled, nodding as she spoke.
“Hey.” Andy picked up his mug.
“Umm, so can I quickly talk to you about something?”
“Sure.” Andy was quick to respond.
“So, you know… Jordan. Is it just me or is she like… getting really close with Jim?” Erin spoke in her usual perky tone, and quickly as though worried she might get overheard.
“Well, I don’t know. Tuna’s a cool dude. He likes Pam… a lot.”
“Yeah, Jordan’s really close to Pam too, huh?” The way Erin spoke hinted that this was more the topic of greater concern to her.
“Yup.”
“You don’t think Pam will…” Erin’s sentence trailed off, along with her enthusiastic demeanor, but she giggled nervously.
“Pam will - what?”
“I was just thinking that if she really likes Jordan, would she still need me to do my job?”
“I’m like 90% sure that I am not following this conversation.” Andy spoke, apologetically.
“Well, Jordan doesn’t really do anything, does she? I heard Pam talking to Jim about firing her, because there’s not really any need for her…”
“So, why would you be fired?”
“That was before they had all these private meetings. Now maybe Pam’s gonna get rid of someone else, and I just thought…” Erin realized as she spoke that perhaps she was talking to the wrong person about this. She knew Kelly would have understood.
A talking head of Kelly and Ryan interrupts the scene briefly.
“I do not like Jordan Garfield. She may look like Elle McPherson, but that does not give her the right to do some boyfriend-stealing, whorish job of… what does she even do here?! I really liked her, but no self-respecting independent woman goes around trying to break up a couple as tight and perfect for each other as me and Ryan. We’re like J-Lo and Marc Anthony… before the breakup. It’s only because Ryan’s so loyal to me that we’re still together…” Kelly looks adoringly at Ryan, holding his hand.
“I would never cheat on you Kelly.”
“I know, baby. Girlfriend needs to watch her back.”
Returning to the scene in the kitchen, Andy assured Erin. “I bet no one gets fired. She likes you just as much as Jordan, totally. If Pam fired anyone, it’d be… Phyllis or…Toby.”
“Sat right here, Andy.” Toby spoke meekly from the table at the other end of the room.
As Andy turned back from an apologetic glance to Toby, he noticed Jim about to come through the kitchen door, but didn’t have enough time to signal this to Erin who had her back to the door.
“Good, I think of Pam like the sister I don’t know that I have, who prefers the taller, blonder girl who is not our sister…” Erin stated, with Jim well in earshot.
Erin turned around to face Jim, and her horrified reaction confirmed to him that he had walked in on something he wasn’t meant to hear. Jim simply turned away and returned to his desk, unsure of how to deal with the situation. He wasn’t particularly annoyed with Erin; he was just concerned that other staff in the office may share her view of Pam’s relationship with Jordan. Shortly after he’d sat down, Erin shyly wandered back to the desk at reception.
Jim really wanted Pam to succeed as manager. He knew she was capable of it, but that didn’t mean she wouldn’t be susceptible to the unrelenting insanity of her staff. Jordan made a nice change from the usual behaviors that they were both witness to at Dunder Mifflin. He understood why his wife had warmed to her. There was no doubt she was easier company than Erin, and most everybody else there. But, he didn’t want it to be his wife’s fatal flaw or the instigating factor in her downfall. He adored seeing her proudly sitting behind what used to be Michael’s desk.
Jim quietly knocked twice on the door to Pam’s office.
“Hey, can I come in?” He smiled at her, receiving the same expression back.
“Jim, of course.” Pam looked at him, with an apparent look of concern, and it all came flooding back to her. It happened every time she glimpsed him. They had been together so long now that she had seen his every expression before, and so would reminisce over the previous moments she had seen each one. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing’s wrong…”
“Your face says otherwise.” Pam raised her eyebrow.
“When did you get so confrontational?” Jim laughed.
“Oh, you know I tried to research how to be a good boss and everything…”
"Yeah…”
“Well, I thought if I watched shows with powerful women in them it might help…” Pam explained carefully, aware of the judgment her husband was drawing as she told him.
“Oh dear…”
“Well, I watched umm… The West Wing and then I just watched some Nancy Grace…” Pam admitted, with amusement in her own voice as she saw Jim affectionately smiling at her embarrassment.
“You watched Nancy Grace for inspiration as to how to be a good boss?”
“Maybe. But anyway, if I have any confrontational outbursts you should probably just blame that.”
“Pam, please never watch Nancy Grace again.”
“Fine. So, what is it that you wanted? I assume you didn’t just come in here for amusement. And we’re still processing the consequences of our last little session of PDA in the office, so it can’t be that…”
“I overheard Erin talking to Andy about Jordan.”
“Oh?”
“She thinks you’re showing her favoritism…” Jim spoke cautiously.
“That’s because she’s my favorite.” Pam responded, flatly.
“You’re not really supposed to alienate the staff though, babe.”
“Are you telling me how to do my job?” Pam looked mildly offended.
“No, it’s just… advice.” Jim spoke softly, to ease Pam a little.
“Okay.” Pam and Jim just looked to each other for a while, their expressions as serious as their words were silent. After the extended pause they shared, Pam spoke. “Erin’s annoying.”
“I know.”
“She thinks she was Michael’s favorite.”
“Well you know that’s not true.”
“I know.” Pam affectionately gazed at the frame that sat on her desk with the picture of Michael and Beagsley in it. “She will never be Beesly to my Scott, Scarn, Klump or…”
“Please, I don’t want a Pam Klump.”
“You already got one.” Pam joked, gesturing to her bump.
“You can’t fire Erin just because she annoys you.”
“Well…” Pam hesitated in her protest.
“See how you feel about everything when the baby comes.”
“It’s not affecting me that much.”
“Well…” Jim mocked Pam’s earlier response.
“Jim?” Pam was concerned.
“I just want you to rock this job, and I want to support you. I’m just here to support you, always.” Jim observed that Pam was a little weepy.
“Jim?” Pam squeaked.
“Yeah?”
“I’m so hungry.” The words came out in a sigh. Pam’s gazed lifted to meet Jim’s, and they both laughed as he observed the desperate truth in her statement. She had spoken as though she carried the weight of the world.
“I’ll make you something.”
“Like a meal?” She looked a little excited.
“You want a full hot meal?”
“Yes.” Pam admitted, unapologetically.
“I can make you grilled cheese?”
“Close enough.” Pam smiled gratefully at him. As he rose from the chair opposite hers, she suddenly moved her hand to her bump.
“What’s wrong?” Jim observed the pained expression on Pam’s face.
“Ah!” Pam looked extremely distressed all of a sudden, and Jim rushed to her. She looked him in the eye, with a feeling of panic accompanying her hunger.
“Pam?” Jim looked to her for reassurance, a rare occurrence in their dynamic.
Pam laid back awkwardly in her chair, with one hand on her bump and one hand on her forehead. She couldn’t have hidden the discomfort she suddenly appeared to be in. Jim stressed above her, hovering affectionately, with little idea of how to attend to her. “Jim…” A single tear formed in her eye, before trailing a faint mascara through her rosy blushed cheeks.
They then heard Dwight muttering to himself loudly. “Bones? I’m not selling bones. Why does it think I am selling bones? By the shot? JIM!”
Pam looked to Jim for explanation. “I changed ‘paper’ to bones and ream to ‘shot’ on the auto-correct. I guess he hasn’t written Dwight yet. Or rather, ‘Dwayne’.” Pam let out a strained giggle as her gaze passed between Dwight furiously tapping at his computer and Jim who hovered nervously above her. Her amusement was then interrupted by another rush of pain.
