Pam's feat of running across hot coals is nothing compared to her monumental accomplishment of courageously speaking from her heart. She has slowly been building strength and confidence all season long as she faced the trials and tribulations of transforming into FNB. It's safe to say Pam has truly found herself and isn't afraid to show the world or Jim. Pam's speech may have been directed primarily at Jim, but is was all about her. Pam's honesty was for Pam and no one else.
Pam's new wave of honesty has steadily grown since The Negotiation, however she lacked the courage to express that honesty externally. The twin problems of Jim's apparent indifference and the lack of an opportunity added to Pam's hesitation to speak her mind. A catalyst was needed to trigger FNB into action, however it remained elusive until Beach Games. Pam's internal truth was already on the brink of bursting, but she needed someone or something to give her that extra little push. The stars aligned just right and instead of just one catalyst, Pam is prodded by a series of events ranging from Michael's antics of relegating her to the background to watching Jim with Karen and of course, her jaunt across hot coals. This combined series of catalysts cause Pam's built up strength and confidence to transform into courage.
The largest catalyst however, came from within. Pam overcame her largest fear in that she no longer needed Jim to reciprocate her sentiments. Her speech was never about asking Jim to be with her, rather it was simply about the need to be honest with him. Pam willingness to exhibit her deepest vulnerabilities is the epitome of strength and courage.
Michael's Assignment:
Instead of a fun day at the beach, Pam is expected to take notes on her co-workers' character and "indefinable qualities." And so goes Pam's idea of having fun on beach day. She is clearly deflated, but really has no recourse. Michael is her boss and he has given her a job. In her talking head she is resigned to the fact that her job is boring and therefore her day at the beach is going to be boring.
On the Bus:
Michael runs up to Pam after his "funtivities" speech to check on her progress. Pam is at a loss on what she is supposed to be writing down and instead focuses on her drawing. Michael makes a crack at her drawings and Pam feels his jab. Pam was obviously hoping Michael wasn't serious about taking notes and therefore busied herself with her art. She was already knocked down a peg or two with her assignment and now Michael is picking on her further. Pam does little as her tolerance level with Michael is higher than most.
Picking Teams:
As everyone arrives at the beach and settles in, Michael calls for everyone to gather together. Michael informs the group that they will be playing a series of games in Survivor-esque fashion. Michael informs the group that they will be divided into four "tribes" with Jim, Dwight, Andy, and Stanley as team leaders. He tells the team leaders to choose their teams but is quick to say, "Except for Pam. Not Pam." Pam is noticeably upset from being excluded. She turns and walks off to the side with her head down and her shoulders hunched. Pam wasn't so upset from not being able to play as she was about being excluded from the group. Michael essentially sent her off to spend the day alone.
From there, Pam had to watch as Jim picked Karen as his first teammate. Pam's jealousy was more than obvious as she watched Karen bounce over to Jim. She's obviously tired of watching Karen with Jim. She has to watch Karen spend time at Jim's desk on daily basis and it's obviously becoming wearisome to see on constant basis.
Pam is actually dealing with a double whammy of exclusion.
Ever since Jim returned to Scranton, she has felt his cold shoulder and basically has been excluded from his life. She's feeling the chill again as she watches Jim and Karen, but it's coupled with the still fresh feeling of exclusion that Michael bestowed upon her earlier. The parallels between Jim's cold shoulder and Michael's treatment of Pam are undeniable.
Egg Race:
As everyone engages in a blindfolded egg race, Pam is watching from the sidelines with her notebook. She watches as Jim plays a prank on Karen by leading her to take a step in the lake. Karen pulls off her blindfold and chases Jim up the shore. Jim runs away playfully as Karen throws her egg at him. Pam sits quietly as they laugh and run past her. This time, however, her face is not overrun with jealousy. She simply misses him. Nostalgia sets in as she feels the loss of his presence in her life. It wasn't very long ago that they shared similar moments of fun and laughter.
Pam's subsequent talking head reiterates her irritation with her role in beach day. Michael's voice is heard in the background, "Pam, you're missing things." Pam turns the page in her notebook and shakes the stiffness from her hand as she goes to write more notes for Michael, while everyone else partakes in beach day games. Michael's assignment has made her invisible to everyone but Michael. But Michael's attention is demeaning and irritating.
Pam feeling of non-existence is furthered when Dwight kicks sand in her direction while hollering at Ryan. It's as if she wasn't even there.
Hot Dogs:
As if Michael's note taking assignment wasn't enough, he decides to give Pam another project. Pam asks with light sarcasm if it has anything to do with the grocery bags full of hot dogs, to which Michael replies, "smart as a whip." Pam flashes a glance at the camera that says, I was being sarcastic you moron. Michael insulted her intelligence and Pam is further annoyed with Michael's second class treatment of her. FNB knows she's worth more than being pushed to the background. However, Pam's threshold for Michael's antics is still in place as she directs her attention to the grocery bags with a high amount of frustration. Her "fun" day at the beach has been nothing more than notes, exclusion, and now cooking.
Sumo Wrestling:
Pam gets a few moments to enjoy the days events as she watches Jim and Stanley in the Sumo Wrestling ring. Stanley plows down Jim, sending him to the ground face first and bouncing. Pam can't help but find the humor in Jim's tumbling defeat as she laughs and smiles at him. Jim hasn't even so much as glanced at her and she needs to find a way to connect to him and get his attention. This is the only way she knows how. Even though he didn't acknowledge her, she still found a way to be with him.
Coal Walk Talking Head:
The final game of Beach Day is Michael's courage test of walking across coals. Michael tries to motivate the group by telling everyone a great manager needs courage, but might as well have been talking directly to Pam. Pam has found everything from emotional honesty, confidence, and self-assertiveness, but she lacked the courage to translate these traits to Jim. After Stanley has decided he's not going to participate Michael says, "the rest of us will have a super fun time defeating our fear . . . walking through fire." Michael may have been referring to the game, but symbolically this is referring to Pam.
As night falls, the coals are red hot and fire flanks the coal walk. Michael continues his rant of trying to find the one who has the "guts to replace" him as manager. In Michael's demented mind anyone brave enough to cross the hot coals can do his job. Everyone looks at the hot coals with hesitation and fear, except Pam. She looks at the camera and says, "I'm gonna do it. And I fully expect to burn my feet and go to the hospital. That's the right spirit when doing a coal walk, right?" Pam smiles widely as she finishes her declaration. There isn't a hint of hesitation or fear in her eyes. Pam is tired of being in the background and being invisible, not only today, but everyday. She is tired of being thought of as just a fly on the wall.
This is her chance to break out of the role that has characterized her life for so long. Not only that, she has felt invisible to Jim since he came home, with the exception of a few moments, and she wants to show him FNB. Heightened subtlety is getting bumped up a notch as Pam's courage begins to surge. Above all, Pam needs to do this for herself. Pam feels all this strength and confidence surging through her veins and she can't help but feel a sense of adventure. This has been a year of all kinds of firsts and tackling a coal walk is no different than calling off her wedding and starting over again. Pam's attitude in her talking head is highly symbolic of her new willingness to try something new, even if it hurts. This is the first time Pam has officially thrown caution to the wind.
Pam starts to untie her shoes, while her heart pumps with anticipation. Michael interrupts her preparation, "No, not you Pam. You have to keep score." Pam answers right back showing no intimidation, "I'd like to try it." Michael interrupts her and says, "Pointless." Pam fires right back again, "I'm not kidding, I really want to do it," as Michael talks over her nonsensical babbling to show her he thinks she's being ridiculous. Pam becomes frustrated and angry at Michael underestimation of her. She looks away from him and fold her arms as she accepts the fact that Michael will not allow her to walk.
Michael repeats that this about guts. It takes guts to be a regional manager," as he quickly glances at Pam. Pam knows Michael thinks she doesn't have guts. It's easy to see the knife turning in her heart as Michael reiterates his lack of faith in her. Michael has chipped away a few chunks of Pam's confidence. Pam knows she's made of tougher stuff than Michael gives her credit for. She realizes no one has taken notice of FNB.
Pam takes Michael's lack of faith in her two different ways. First, Michael is telling her she can't participate, just as he's excluded her from every game thus far. Secondly, he's telling her she literally can't do it. He doesn't believe in her and that hurts. Old Pam would've crawled back into her hole and waited for Jim to save her with kind words and encouragement. FNB may not be reliant on Jim believing in her any longer, but Pam does miss it to some extent. She has missed Jim all day long, (no to mention all season), and this incident helped create another feeling of loss in Pam's subconscious. FNB, however, is more concerned and determined to prove Michael wrong.
Pam Walks the Coals:
As the group gathers around in a circle, Pam remains at the coal walk. She leans down and feels the heat of the coals as she tries to rebuild the confidence Michael took away from her. She stares down the coals with stoic concentration. The hot coals are a representation of every struggle and every fear that has plagued Pam over the last year. She could just as easily be staring down Jim, Karen, or any of the numerous speed bumps that have caused her to back down throughout the season.
Pam knows she can do it, but she still harbors hesitation as anyone would getting ready to attempt a difficult task. Just as there is pain involved with crossing hot coals, there is pain involved with overcoming her emotional fears. If she wishes to overcome her fears she must walk over those coals where a new beginning awaits her. Her personal truth waits at the end of the coal walk. Pam may want to prove Michael wrong, but this is more for herself than anyone else. She wants prove to herself that she is as strong as she feels.
Pam shoots a playful grin at the camera that indicates she's pulled together the confidence to pull this off. She sprints across the coals and lands safely at the other end. Pam celebrates her accomplishment both surprised and proud of herself. She knew she could do it, but at the same time she's surprised she actually went through with it. Pam desperately wants to share her accomplishment with someone, but she is all alone. As a last resort, she looks at the camera with a "can you believe I did that" face. Adrenaline is blasting through her body as she runs towards the circle of co-workers intent on sharing her accomplishment.
Pam's Speech:
As Pam approaches the edge of the circle, she says, "Hey, I want to say something." She walks into the center of the circle as she is no longer willing to remain on the outskirts and invisible. She continues to say, "I've been trying to be more honest lately and I just need to say a few things." Thanks to Oscar and Gil Pam knows that her co-workers don't view her as being honest, so she is sure to get their attention with this opening. She is smiling brightly as the adrenaline is still pumping through her. Pam's original intent was to simply show Michael he was wrong about her and to let everyone know she walked the coals. She excitedly proclaims, "I just did the coal walk! Just . . . I did it!" Pam then stands up to Michael the only way she knows how, "Michael, you couldn't even do that. Maybe I should be your boss." This wasn't mean spirited, but it still told Michael that he should have "estimated" (hee hee) her.
Pam is proud of herself and she wants Michael to be proud of her, too. She even has an air of humor about it as she jokes that she should be his boss. Pam knows she just showed more courage and guts than anyone in the circle and Michael needs to know that, but Pam's compassionate side doesn't allow for her to jab too hard. After Pam stands up to Michael she feels even more proud of herself, "Wow, I feel really good right now." The adrenaline has yet to die down from the coal walk and now there is even more of it from sticking it to Michael. Adrenaline often breeds courage and impulsive behavior. Pam builds off the "high" she got from standing up to Michael and begins to wonder if she can stand up to everyone else.
For a split second, Pam digs deep and finds the courage to ask the group a question that's been eating at her since February. She takes a deep breath and lifts her head, "Why didn't any of you come to my art show? I invited all of you. That really sucked." Her brow is knotted the entire time, as the pain of that night comes back to her. For the first time she's letting everyone know just how much they hurt her. In particular, she was hurt that Jim didn't come. She didn't address him individually, because her focus is on the group at this juncture. She wanted the group to know she thought it was wrong of them to blow her off when she kindly invited them into her life. Pam asserts herself further by saying, "It's like sometimes, some of you act like I don't even exist." Pam's motivation for this statement is rooted in the still fresh frustration from the way Michael treated her all day. Michael's exclusionary practices allowed for everyone to ignore her. No one stepped up and asked Pam join in the games.
However, Pam has a far deeper impetus to voice this feeling as she has felt invisible to Jim ever since he returned to Scranton. Even though she is making eye contact with everyone else but Jim, her statement is geared at him on an internal level. In fact, it triggers her realization that she is tired of Jim's cold shoulder. Still riding the wave of adrenaline from the coals and standing up to Michael and the group, Pam spins around and focuses her attention on Jim. It was never her intent to confront Jim at this point. It was a split second decision brought on by increased confidence of her accomplishments in the circle. Pam has a million things she knows she needs to tell Jim, but the opportunity never presented itself, until now.
Of all the things she needs to tell him, she chose the one thing she knew he needed to know. She looks him square in the eye and says, "Jim, I called off my wedding because of you." She knows she should have told him a long time ago and her statement carries traces of guilt for keeping it to herself for so long. However, she needed him to know for herself more than anything. It's been eating at her for almost a year and she needed to get it out in the open. Pam has figured out that Jim's cold shoulder is from pain, and not the product of actual indifference. The break room in The Negotiation helped her put two and two together a month ago. She knows the truth may help to melt the ice.
Pam continues, "And now we're not even friends. And things are just like weird between us, and that sucks." Pam's pain is again apparent as her face is knotted as she exhibits her vulnerability. Her voice is soft as she wants Jim to know she isn't angry. She wants Jim to know the distance is hurting her. Pam may love Jim, but she misses his friendship above all else. She mirrors Jim's parking lot statement from The Merger, "I just feel like things were a little weird today." Pam was unable to admit he was right, but she has no qualms about bringing it to his attention now. In effect, she is finally admitting to him he was right. The awkwardness that has plagued relations between them is finally starting to get to Pam. This is her way of throwing down the white flag. Her statement, "and that sucks" is letting him know she wants to work past the weirdness. She knows things are they way they are and there isn't much she can do about it, but she still wants to make peace.
She goes on to tell him, "And I miss you. You were my best friend before you went to Stamford. And I really miss you." The pain on her face is more pronounced. Her "I miss you's" drip with her heartbreak. She is again letting Jim know she is hurting. His cold shoulder may be justified, but it is hurting her. She could have easily been telling him "I love you" instead of "I miss you," but the simple truth is she misses him more than she loves him at this point. Pam wasn't holding back anything. She told Jim exactly what was at the forefront of her mind and heart. Even if she can never be with him, she needs his friendship back in her life. Pam needs Jim to know this above all else.
Pam's unplanned speech then wanders back to Roy and her cancelled wedding. Pam feels the need to explain herself further, but she isn't sure how to do so. She first admits to Jim, "I shouldn't have been with Roy . . ." She shakes her head in a way that scolds herself for making such a mistake. She is referring to her original relationship with Roy as well as her return to him at Phyllis's Wedding. She knows she was wrong and this is her attempt of letting Jim know she's aware of her mistake. Jim's reaction to her in The Negotiation is at the root of her statement. She recalls all to well, Jim's cold reaction to the topic of Roy in the break room. Pam is telling Jim she shouldn't have picked Roy over him on Casino Night. She knows she can't discuss the details of that evening with everyone around her, but her admission carries enough undertones for Jim to understand what she means.
She goes on, " . . . and there were a lot of reasons to call off my wedding. But the truth is, I didn't care about any of those reasons until I met you." Again, Pam is choosing her words carefully. She is basically telling Jim she knows Roy was wrong for her, while also admitting she knows Jim is the right man. In a small way, Pam is also thanking Jim for showing her error of staying with Roy. Jim showed her what she really deserves. The public nature of Pam's speech doesn't allow for Pam to use as much detail as she would like, but she is hoping the meaning of her words will still reach Jim. Pam regards the events of Casino Night as being private and she doesn't want her co-workers to be know about such an intimate moment between herself and Jim. It's very special to her and she wants to keep it that way, rather than see it become a target of gossip and trivialization.
Pam's honest train of thought continues with "And now you're with someone else, and that's fine." Pam knows she blew it on Casino Night and this her way of showing Jim she is aware of that fact. She has already resigned herself to the fact that she probably doesn't have a chance with him. It does, in fact, bother her that Jim is with Karen, but Pam knows this is not the time or place for jealousy. Her honesty is not about winning Jim . Pam continues with, "It's . . . whatever. That's not what I'm . . . I'm not . . . okay my feet really hurt." Pam's train of thought got off track and she is flustered. She breaks eye contact and her nerves take over. She doesn't want her statements to be construed as her trying to steal Jim away from Karen. Her pang of jealousy through her for a loop, but, Pam already knows his relationship with Karen is not her call, nor is it even any of her business. She doesn't expect him to do or say anything.
Pam is essentially saying, "I'm not doing this to be with you." The whole point of Pam's speech is to clear the air with Jim. All she wants is the friend she misses. It's her equivalent of Jim's infamous Casino Night statement, "I just needed you to know." Her honesty up to this point was directed at Jim, but it is entirely for Pam. With her aching feet screaming for some relief, Pam regains her composure to reiterate her sentiments, "The thing that I'm just trying to say to you, Jim, and to everyone else in the circle, I guess, is that I miss having fun with you. Just you, not everyone in the circle." This emanates from a day of watching him have fun with Karen all day, as well as months of feeling the void of his absence that has likely existed since the day after CN. Pam is again sending the honest message that she misses him above all else. She wants her friend back, despite the mess that exists between them. It's at this point that Pam realizes there is nothing more for her to say. She nods with finality as she no longer feels the burden of the truth beating at the door to get out.
She lets out a breath and light heartedly says, "Okay, I am gonna go walk in the water now." She is smiling again as she feels the rush of a lighter soul. She feels better than she's felt in a long time. She can walk away from this knowing she told Jim what she needed to tell him and has no regrets. She smiles at herself with pride and says, "yeah, it's a good day." She tosses a quick glance at Jim to reassure him he doesn't have to say anything. Pam's tone throughout her speech is one of no expectations. She didn't expect Jim to run up to her and take her in his arms. She didn't even expect or need him to say anything. She just needed to tell him what was on her mind. This is a huge accomplishment for Pam, considering she didn't need anyone's acceptance of her thoughts. She just needed Jim to listen to her. Pam jets towards the lake to cool the pain of her feet with cold water the same way her honesty cooled the pain of her heart.
- - -
The Bottom Line:
Pam put the ball back in Jim's court.
JAM Song of the Week:
Closer
Artist: Travis
Album: The Boy With No Name
JAM Optimist:
1) Pam found her courage and herself.
2) Pam was honest with Jim.
3) Pam is FNB
JAM Pessimist:
1) Jim is a variable -- we have no idea what he's thinking or how he'll react once the shock wears off
Questions to Ponder:
1) Does Pam owe any further explanation to Jim? Did she need to say anything more?
2) Did Pam violate the boundaries of her moral center? How did Karen's presence affect her speech?
3) How different would Pam's speech be if she were alone with Jim? Would the speech have happened at all without the group?
4) How will Pam's behavior change in the office? Is she done being invisible for good?
5) Should Pam wait for Jim to come to her or should she approach him? Does she need him to come to her?
Chapter End Notes:
Commonly Used Acronyms:
PD = Pam Dichotomy,
JP = Jim Paradox,
CN = Casino Night,
FNB = Fancy New Beesly,
QTP = Questions to Ponder
This post was written nine years ago so go easy on me in terms of writing style! I’ve decided not to revise the original posts beyond filling in missing words or fixing wayward punctuation. Call it nostalgia if you will, but there’s something to be said for preserving this little snapshot of fandom.
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.
PD = Pam Dichotomy,
JP = Jim Paradox,
CN = Casino Night,
FNB = Fancy New Beesly,
QTP = Questions to Ponder
This post was written nine years ago so go easy on me in terms of writing style! I’ve decided not to revise the original posts beyond filling in missing words or fixing wayward punctuation. Call it nostalgia if you will, but there’s something to be said for preserving this little snapshot of fandom.
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.
