The dichotomy within Pam came out with a vengeance tonight! Only the dichotomy is no longer centered on JAM. Pam has become a dichotomy in and of herself. She's going through so many emotional changes so quickly that she can't think fast enough to keep up.
During the first viewing of this episode, I was immensely proud of Pam for going out, having some fun, and finding the courage to contact Jim. However, after repeated viewings, I've come to the realization that many of Pam's actions were not a result of her work in progress confidence.
In reality, many of her actions are manifestations of her old fears and insecurities. She has just found a new way to hide from them. Don't get me wrong, I'm still proud of Pam for deciding not to sit at home and feel sorry for herself. She totally picked herself up and attempted to keep building her confidence. On the outside she was the picture of a happy go lucky single out for a good time. On the inside she is lonely, vulnerable, and fragile.
Again, I'm going to break this down into more manageable chunks. This will be another scene-by-scene analysis. The JAM optimist and pessimist will make an appearance at the end with arguments for both sides.
At the office:
The phone conversation in Initiation obviously has amplified how much Pam misses Jim. She was able to keep it buried until the phone call, but now it's raw and beyond her control. This is the beginning of her actually sorting through some of her feelings regarding Jim. Previously, she had the luxury of dealing with other things since he left (canceling her wedding, dumping Roy, new apartment/car, art classes, etc.). Now, she has nothing to distract her from contemplating the whole Jim situation. This is a little daunting and scary.
She is exuding the lonely vibe right at the beginning of this episode. She is obviously feeling Jim's absence and it's creating a lethargic tendency to hang out at home, (C'mon we've all been there. You're lonely and the couch looks awfully comfortable coupled with a pint of your favorite ice cream). She doesn't know how to handle this influx of emotion so she just wants to shut down. She is just plain lonely. She doesn't really have anyone in her life and that in itself is a little depressing, (plus she doesn't have the one person she really needs in her life).
She decides she's not going to go to the Diwali party because she doesn't have anybody to go with. Pam is extremely self-conscious at this point. She didn't want to admit that this was the reason for her not going. Adding to this is the fact that she letting Kelly down. Pam cares about how other people perceive her. It bothers her that Kelly is disappointed.
Pam is obviously vulnerable. She is not as confident as we thought. Granted she definitely has more than what she started with, but there is still a long way to go. She is emotionally very fragile.
Deciding to go:
Pam ends up deciding to attend Diwali. She shows up in a hoodie and jeans along with her hair down. It looks like she cleaned herself up enough to go out after lounging around at home. Pam wanted to be comfortable while embarking on an uncomfortable situation.
Her decision to go surrounds several reasons. First, she doesn't want to let Kelly down. Kelly has been a good friend and distraction for Pam since Jim left. Pam doesn't want to loose her company. Especially, since she is feeling so alone. Second, she doesn't want to sit around feeling sorry for herself. Pam has worked hard on building her confidence. Subconsciously she doesn't want to undo the gains in her self-confidence. Pam wants to be happy and among friends. She is just trying to figure out what makes her happy and who her friends are without Roy. She realized that sitting at home by herself will not accomplish either one of these goals. The expression on her face and tone of voice when she says "I decided to come," clearly conveyed this idea. She made herself get off the couch, (I'm proud of her for that!). Third, she's thinking that maybe she'll meet someone. This is mostly in the back of her mind.
I remember my singleton days (excuse me as I digress into Bridget Jones!) when I used to feel this way. She has high hopes for the evening. This "someone" doesn't have to be a love connection. This person can maybe be a new friend, or maybe someone she can talk to and laugh with for duration of the party.
Along with all the above reasons, Pam attends Diwali as a way to escape dealing with her thoughts and feelings surrounding Jim. It's a great distraction and gives her a break from the inundation of emotions that she is currently facing. Furthermore, its an escape from her vulnerability. She feels it and it's very uncomfortable. If she goes out she can put on a brave and confident front.
She is actually a little afraid of her vulnerable state. It's completely foreign to her. We even see some of this vulnerability come out as Pam reverts to a state of feeling self conscious. She is worried about how she is dressed. She covers it up with what she wants to be a humorous statement by making fun of Carol's slutty cheerleader outfit. Then she feels bad and becomes self conscious again with "Is that mean?"
She is back to running away from difficult emotional situations. Even though Jim is in another state, her feelings for him are overwhelming her. The phone call brought them to forefront and she's having trouble dealing with them. Only this time she doesn't have Roy to hide behind. Furthermore, she doesn't have her moral center to rely on either. This was a major defense mechanism and escape route whenever her feelings for Jim popped up, and now it's no longer in play since she dumped Roy. This leaves Pam in foreign territory. She had to find another outlet. The Diwali party arrived at just the right moment for Pam's escape.
Dancing:
We next see Pam grooving on the dance floor with a man, (I'm pretty sure it was Wali, the Indian doctor Kelly wanted no part of). Pam looked like she was having a good time, but I can't help but notice that she was really "trying" to have fun. (I have to mention this here -- That's right Roy, walk away. You took her for granted and you've lost her. -- Ahhh, I feel better. Although, that was one heartbreaking face on Roy.). Her dancing and her smile were an escape as well as her attempt to fight her complacency tendency. She is trying to get out there and do things she normally wouldn't. I believe she was having fun and it was good to see her smile and let loose a little, but she is masking the emotional turmoil she is feeling.
I also can't help but think at this point that Pam is hoping that her dancing partner is the "someone" she wanted to meet at the party. He's hanging out with her and is allowing her to escape her tumultuous emotions.
Texting Jim:
Following Michael's proposal debacle, Pam wants to humor herself with the situation. She talks to her dancing partner in a surprisingly "familiar" kind of way. She talks to him as if he were Jim. She's not even really looking at him as she speaks. It's almost like she's imagining or wishing Jim is standing with her. It's here that we see Pam's escape defense breaking down. The guy clearly doesn't get her reference "that's just like Michael," as she was hoping he would. This snaps her back into the reality that Jim is not there, and that brings back all that she is trying to escape.
She is clearly let down that this guy didn't get her sarcasm. The fact that she misses Jim and needs him becomes uncontrollable. She hides it well as she excuses herself and pulls out her cell phone. She is running to the one person who makes her feel safe and relieves her loneliness. Besides, she knows Jim would just love a new story of Michael's antics. Her sarcasm would not be lost on him. This is another manifestation of Pam's insecurity and fears. This has been an evening of vulnerability, loneliness, and a fragile state of mind. She is feeling a little lost and afraid.
She has always gone to Jim for support and the safety net he provided. She is doing it again. Even though he is at the root of her emotional turmoil, he is the only one she feels safe enough to connect with. There is also the desire to just be around him any way she can. Part of her is also probably wondering if the previous conversation was just a fluke or if there is a real chance at reconnection.
Pam probably kept the text message quick and simple. She is in a hurry to get a hold of him, so I don't see her sending him a long message. I also don't see her getting too sappy or emotional. She is going to keep it light and casual for the same reasons as she did in the Initiation conversation. My guess is its something like "Michael Moment. Call me." Michael's antics were the icebreaker in the previous conversation and they are again. Pam has a valid excuse to contact Jim without having to reveal any of her feelings or her vulnerable state. She's wanted to call him all night, and now she has her reason. Both she and Jim know that the comfort level between them isn't high enough to call each other for no reason.
Interestingly, when Angela asks her who she's texting, Pam replies "no one." This has roots in Angela's comments to Pam in the past. The pam-pong incident comes to mind first. Pam knows she'll get some mean spirited comment from Angela if she reveals she's texting Jim. Furthermore, Pam is again feeling self-conscious. She doesn't necessarily want people to know she is contacting Jim. She is naturally a private person, but she mostly doesn't want to drop hints that anything happened between her and Jim prior to his departure. This goes along with her moral center. She was still with Roy at the time. She doesn't want to hurt Roy or face the music for allowing another man to kiss her. Angela would have a field day with that!
Sitting with Michael:
As usual Pam is empathetic to Michael. She is feeling down this evening as well, so she certainly has some understanding of how he feels. After his public embarrassment Pam goes to comfort him. We've seen her do this before in Season 2. As irritating as Michael is, Pam is one of the few people who realizes he is a human being with feelings.
As she walks out to him, notice how she is still holding her cell phone. Either she didn't put it back in her pocket or she just pulled it out again. Both scenarios say the same thing; she is anxiously waiting for Jim to text or call her back. She even checks it again just before she sits down and talks to Michael. It's easy to sense her anticipation and eventual let down when she finds he hasn't responded.
Throughout her conversation with Michael she is still holding onto to her cell with both hands. It's almost like she's holding onto him. The only connection she has to him right now is on that cell. Her statement "I was hoping something would happen tonight, too" directly relates to this. That "something" was reconnecting with Jim. She was hoping he would call her back, proving the previous conversation wasn't a fluke. Her anticipation for Jim's call further illustrates how much she is relying on him to rescue her from the overwhelming emotions of the evening.
We next see Pam stare off into space with an all too familiar longing expression. Although, usually we see this on Jim's face! It's obvious that she is thinking about Jim. A number of thoughts are likely rolling through her head; I miss him. Why hasn't he texted me? Does he want to talk to me? Why did I say no? (I hope that's what she's thinking!). She even looks like she wants to talk about it with Michael. But she won't bring it up, she's waiting for Michael to open the topic. Of course she is snapped back to reality when Michael leans in for a kiss. Yuck! It makes me wonder if Pam was thinking about her kiss with Jim at that moment and was rudely awakened to find Michael inching closer to her!
You've got to love Pam for her response to Michael's repulsive actions. She didn't want to hurt Michael's feeling any further, so she didn't overreact despite her first impulse to do so. This response also goes along with the idea that she is in shock that Michael even tried this! She did a great job standing firm with "I'm rejecting your kiss." Too funny! Despite Michael's inappropriate behavior, she understands why he did it and agrees to give him a ride home "if he sits in the back." That's right Pam, show him you're in charge of the situation! At least she is till showing some signs that her confidence is still firmly in place.
Driving Michael home:
It's easy to read on Pam's face that she has lost her patience with the evening. Nothing turned out how she hoped. She had fun for a little while, but it did not create the full escape she was hoping for. She can't hide from her emotions and on top of that, Michael tried to kiss her. Now he's in the back seat of car being his usual annoying self. Plus, Jim has not called her back. The evening is a total bust. I'm worried about how the evening is going to effect her confidence. I'm hoping its just a temporary set back.
JAM Optimist:
1. She texted Jim. She had the courage to contact him. She wants to reconnect with him and this is a good sign. She isn't avoiding him anymore.
2. She went out despite her initial impulse to stay home. Old Pam never would have picked herself up to go out. This is strong testament to Pam's resolve to reinvent herself. We need a new strong Pam to go after Jim!
3. She still needs Jim. Even though Pam has built a sense of self reliance (which is good), she still needs Jim.
JAM Pessimist:
1. Pam's fears and insecurities are back. Pam needs to work through her fears and insecurities without Jim. If she continues to rely on Jim she will never be fully self-reliant. She needs to find her strength on her own, before she can be with Jim. JAM can't happen until Pam finds her way.
2. Pam's confidence took a hit. She had a bad night. She spent the majority of the evening feeling vulnerable and lonely. This is a dangerous position. She may turn to Roy to alleviate some of these feelings. He is closer (geographically he's in the same state) than Jim at this point.
3. Pam may feel rejected. Jim didn't call her back. Granted she has no idea that he was drunk, but that makes little difference. All she knows is he didn't call. She is likely running scenarios in her mind as to why he didn't call, but she is probably holding on to the one that matches her emotional state; he didn't want to talk to her. This does not bode well for JAM. If she feels Jim has no interest in her anymore, she may give up.
Questions to Ponder:
1. What if Roy had stayed at the Diwali party? Do you think Pam would have hung out with him given her emotional status? Would she have still texted Jim?
2. What did Pam text Jim?
3. Has there been contact since the Initiation conversation, or is Pam's text the first attempt?
4. Will Pam make another attempt at contact?
5. How would you assess Pam's confidence and overall emotional status at this point? Did she take a hit in Diwali or is it just a temporary set back?
On a final note - JIM, PICK UP YOUR CELL PHONE!
Chapter End Notes:
This post was written ten years ago so go easy on me in terms of writing style! I've decided not to revise the original posts beyond filling in missing words or fixing wayward punctuation. Call it nostalgia if you will, but there's something to be said for preserving this little snapshot of fandom.
