From The Earth, At a Crossroad

July 15, 2006

“...so we’ll do your second spinal tap in about 45 minutes...”

Jim had almost zoned out what the doctor was telling him right up until he heard the words “spinal tap.”  The first one a few days ago hadn’t exactly been pleasant.  

“Spinal tap.  Yeah, great.  Well, let’s get to it.”

Just then, Pam walked in.  She had been in the hospital more than he ever could have imagined her wanting to be there.  Seeing her there with him was one of the only things that had made him smile in the past week, but it also broke his heart to know what he was putting her through.  Jim had insisted she go to her friend’s party last night instead of staying another night in the hospital with him.”

“Hey!  How was the party?”

“It was great right up until my sister decided to start drinking whiskey.  Pretty much spent the rest of the night holding her hair back.”

“Wow.  I think I might have actually got the better end of that deal, Beesly.”

Pam smiled at him and gestured to the space next to him in the tiny hospital bed.  Jim nodded at her and without saying anything else she cuddled up next to him as he wrapped his arm around her.

“Pam Beesly, you’re in the hospital!”

“I am! This is true. Well, but not - you’re in the hospital a lot more… than I am.”

Pam couldn’t help but laughing at herself as she finished the sentence.  For whatever reason, that had made Jim laugh more than anything since being admitted to the hospital.  Pam was the only one who had continued to joke with him through all of this - the only one who hadn’t handled him with kids gloves like he was a completely broken person.  As they came down off their laughter, jim turned his head to look at Pam just as she did the same.

“Hey.”

“Hiiii.  I don’t know if I’m allowed to kiss you yet.”

“I know.  I got the chemo in me...”

The realization seemed to snap them back to reality and a strange silence fell between them.  It wasn’t uncomfortable, necessarily, but there were words left unsaid between them about what could happen in the next few weeks.  Things that didn’t necessarily need said, at least not yet.    

“You know, I wasn’t sure how I’d feel about buzz-cut Jim but I think I kind of like it.”

“Buzz-cut Jim?  Well, don’t get used to it Beesly.  Pretty soon it’ll be almost-bald Jim and then shaved-head Jim.  Who knows what you’ll think of that guy.”

“I think that guy will be great.  But I’ll be really happy when I have shaggy-haired Jim back.”  

-------

Pam sighed into Jim’s shoulder.  She knew he had his spinal tap coming up in about 20 minutes, and after that he would probably be out of it once the pain medication kicked in.  Every time a little bit of self pity crept in, she would remind herself how infinitely harder this was for Jim.  She could let herself be sad later - for now she just needed to be there for him however she could.

“Do you wanna go for a walk before they come back in?”

Jim hesitated, like he was deciding how much to actually say.  

“I would love to go for a walk.  But everytime I take a walk I get a headache.  And if I don’t get up and walk I just lay here and get depressed.”

Pam just squeezed Jim tighter and didn’t say anything.  She could tell he had been bottling a lot of this up and needed to say it.

“I just wish somebody would tell me what to do.  There’s no map for this thing.  I’ve only been here a week and I cannot  stand this fucking place.  And I feel bad because everybody here has been great, and I’m ready to fight this and everything but…”

“You’re going to get through this Jim.  WE’RE going to get through this.  I love you.”

July 27, 2006

Pam was already there when the camera crew showed up.  Jim was glad she had arrived early - time alone with Pam seemed to be rare these days, but that was probably because of how infrequently he was actually awake and aware.  

Jim had decided, against basically everybody’s advice, to let the camera crew come in for a day.  They were off for the summer, but they gladly made an exception for his situation.  He thought it was important that people see what it was really like to go through everything he was going through.  A day in the life of a 20 something cancer patient.

“So you guys are just in time to see me try to fix this.”

Jim turned his head to show all angles of his hair.  It was getting patchy in spots and completely missing in some parts of the sides.  

“I think you mean watch ME try to fix this.”

“Well you are the expert on my hair, Beesly.”

Pam grabbed the clippers and lowered the blade.  She did the best she could but looking in the mirror as she worked it was obvious that there wasn’t a whole lot that could be done about the state of his hair.  

“Wow.”

“Sorry, Jim.  I tried.”

“No, no.  There’s just not any hair there.  Alright, onto the fun part.”

Jim grabbed a lint roller and started running it over his head.  Huge clumps of loose hair ended up on the roller, seemingly with no end.

“I have no idea why, but this is pretty much my favorite part of the day.  How gross is that?”

With his grooming taken care of, Jim wanted to get some time alone with the camera crew.  There were things he needed to say without anybody around, things he wasn’t ready to say to Pam or his family.

“Hey Pam, why don’t you go eat?  I know you skipped lunch and I wanted to do a talking head real quick with these guys.  Sound good?”

“Um, sure.  You sure you don’t want me there?”

“Yeah, I’ll be fine.  Gotta give the people what they want.”

Pam kissed Jim on the cheek and walked out, promising to return within the hour.  The camera crew setup an impromptu interview booth against the window of Jim’s hospital room.

“Anything you don’t want us to ask about?”

“Uh, no.  I want to make sure I say everything, so ask away.  If something really bothers me I just won’t answer it.”

“Alright.  How long have you been in the hospital?”

“So I’ve been here for about 2 ½ weeks now.  It’s starting to get uh, a little bit harder in here.  As you can see, my hair is definitely starting to fall out… which doesn’t bother me, but when I look in the mirror it - you just don’t feel so well.”

“And how are you feeling?”

“The pain medication takes me out of it a lot of the time.  I’ve had this cough that just won’t go away.  They’re finally giving me some cough suppressants which is helping, but I still have that awful feeling in my throat and in my chest that just…”

Jim started coughing, as if just thinking about it caused it to reoccur.  After the fit settled, he motioned for the questions to continue.

“What are the doctors saying?”

“The doctors aren’t saying much.  I wait everyday for the results of my bloodwork and just continue to be disappointed.  I know my immune system is getting weaker, and once we’re done with this round of chemo in a few days here we’ll talk about what’s next with the doctors.”  

“Anything else you want to say?”

“I’m… I’m a pretty positive person, usually.  And I hate having other people worrying about me.  So I just don’t know how to handle what I’m putting my family through, and what I’m putting Pam through.  I started a relationship with her without being completely honest about what was wrong with me until weeks later.  I’m just - I’m ready to get better.”

July 30, 2006

Pam was huddled in the hallway with Betsy, Gerald, Larissa, Pete, and Tom. Jim had been far worse than usual in the last day or so, and today he was barely awake at all.  When he was awake, he couldn’t stop coughing and he was visibly far more fragile than he had been.  Pam had helped him completely shave his head yesterday, but he was barely able to form completely sentences today.  The doctor walked out of Jim’s room, the room they had all just exited, to give them an update.

“As I’m sure you can tell, Jim has lost a significant amount of weight and is becoming delirious when he’s awake.  Some of that is due to the medication we’re giving him.  Jim’s immune system is all but gone from the chemotherapy, and he’s contracted pneumonia.”

The doctor paused to let that set in.  It was probably only a few seconds, but it felt like a full minute.  Pam and Betsy had teamed up to do as much research as possible on Jim’s condition, and she knew that pneumonia was the actual cause of death for almost half of cancer patients.

“His fever is extremely high.  We’re going to recommend that we start packing his body with ice.  It’s possible that he might sleep or be unconscious for the majority of the day while he fights off the pneumonia.  We’ll be giving him a lot of medication.  More than we already are.”

The doctor hadn’t explicitly said that the pneumonia could be fatal, but the implication was certainly there.  Betsy let out a breath she had been holding and then asked the question that they were all thinking.

“Do we… do we need to start calling the rest of the family to come see him?”

“Well, I don’t know that we need to do that yet.  Let’s give him another couple of days.”

While the doctor continued answering questions from the men, Pam and Betsy reentered the room.  Pam gave Jim a kiss on the forehead and the tears in her eyes were matched in Betsy’s, and they pulled one another into a tearful embrace.

“I know this should be ridiculous since we just started dating, but…”

“Oh nonsense.  You two have been close forever.”

“I know… I know that if he doesn’t make it, I know I can survive.  And I know I can get through this.  I just don’t wanna have to.  I don’t want to have to go through my life without him.”