Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

xoxoxo 

The first time Pam knows she's going to see him again she starts to make plans.  She picks out an outfit carefully, packs the same yogurt, and fills the dish with jellybeans.  On that fateful morning her heart beats faster and her palms are damp.  She tries to be nonchalant as she ventures to the ladies room for what seems like the thousandth time.

She stares in the mirror, pulls the clip from her hair, contemplates leaving it down but ultimately pins it up again.  She applies a new layer of lip gloss, and as the wand brushes across her mouth she remembers his lips on hers.

The first time he kissed her.

On shaky legs she walks back to her desk, crossing behind Ryan.  She wonders where Jim will sit now, probably in the back, near Toby.  Her heart sinks at that thought, to have him so close but not within sight will be painful - though not nearly as painful as having him two states away.   Her eyes are fixed to the door; she knows that this time won't be like the first time they ever met.  He won't smile like he did then, won't joke with her right away.  She doesn't know how it will be, exactly.  She just knows it's going to be different.

She looks up as the door opens.  Jan arrives first followed by two people she doesn't recognize at all.  She remembers the memo, the girl is Karen.  She's younger than she expected and much more attractive.  She knows that the men are Andy and Josh.  She's met Josh before and wonders how this all is going to play out.   A moment later, she finds she doesn't quite care because his frame is filling the doorway.

Jim seems the same and different all at once.  He's got the same unruly haircut.  When she thinks about his hair now she can't help but remember how it felt sliding through her fingers.  It had been softer than she'd ever imagined.  She remembers how he sucked in a breath when her hands landed there and how once they did he pulled her closer and kissed her again.  She remembers the feel of his face next to hers, how rough his cheek felt next to her own.   When she looks at him now his face seems thinner.    He looks a little older, a little more tired.  He's wearing a suit and she almost wants to laugh at the ridiculousness of it all.

At first she thinks he’s just dressing up because it’s his first day back, like a kid on his first day of school.   For a second she thinks how adorable that is but as she looks more closely it strikes her that there might be more to it.  He might just be taking his job more seriously now and she doesn't quite know what to do with that. 

He’s changed.  She finds herself thinking.   A lot more than she realized he would.

It’s then that she’s reminded she's made changes herself.  He's entitled to make a few of his own.  

Michael stands in the middle of the office and makes an announcement.   She stands to the side, not able to keep her eyes off Jim.  She thinks she's being too obvious so she looks down at her feet, staring at her shoes as if they're fascinating instead of sensible.   It's the safest place for her eyes at the moment.  When she feels it's been long enough she raises her head and catches him glancing over at her. 

He smiles, she smiles back and it's the first time since they've spoken that she feels almost like herself again.

It's not long before introductions begin.  Michael insists on hugging Jim vigorously, patting him on the back repeatedly in an exaggerated fashion.  She smiles as she watches him struggle to get away.  Then she hears Michael call out, "That's my boy.  Now is there anyone else you'd like to hug?"  

Pam freezes and stares at him intently.  Her head begins to spin and everything seems to move in slow motion.  Jim glances at her briefly as he steps forward.  Her pulse races, her spine stiffens.  If he comes anywhere near her she doesn't know how she'll be able to keep herself from sinking in and pulling him close or worse, simply bursting into tears.   She can already imagine his arms around her as she hears him chuckle. "Well, ok.....c'mere Kev!"

The room erupts into laughter and she doesn't know exactly why this disappoints her.  It's just Jim being Jim, but for a split second she'd felt like maybe they'd passed this point, of having to deflect their feelings or explain them away.  She wants to pull him to the side and really talk to him - not just about her mistakes in movie rentals but about what happens next.

She lets out a breath, and she’s relieved as she watches him wrap Kevin in a bear hug.  Her relief is short lived however.  Suddenly Michael is pulling them apart and shoving Jim in her direction.  “No, no no!!  I think you should hug Pam.”

Leave it to Michael to make things a million times more uncomfortable than they already were.  The silence in the room is deafening.  She looks over at him desperately.  Jim casts his eyes down, then back up at her before taking another step forward.   He clenches his fists slowly - flexing his fingers a bit as he opens and closes his hands.

She can tell he’s hesitating and she can't blame him.  She feels her cheeks turn red she shifts her feet back and forth, crossing her arm around her waist and fiddling with her necklace.  She looks up and suddenly he's standing right before her.

As casually as he can manage, he leans down and curls one arm around her shoulders, squeezing gently.  She sways a bit and fists his lapel in her hand as she leans into him. 

His lips graze her ear and he whispers "Hey, there Beesly."  He holds her for as long as it takes him to breathe in, then out, before he eases away.  

"Hey."  She hears herself reply as she releases her hold on him, rocking back on her heels.

A moment later she's uneasy again as she watches Jim walk back to stand beside Karen.  He seems so at ease as he places a hand on the small of her back, leans down and whispers to her.   She laughs back at him and elbows him gently in the ribs.

And at that moment, Pam wonders just how far he's moved on.

It's not the first time she's felt a pang of jealousy but its completely different now.  Before, even as they danced around the obvious there was always a place they could come to somewhere in between.  As she watches him now, for the first time she knows had she said something else, done something else all those months ago she might not have reason to be jealous at all.  It's the first time she's seen him with someone else when she's free. 

Emotions are swirling inside her as the rest of the group takes a tour of the office.  She goes back to her desk, grateful that the phone rings on her way over.  She has a job to do, and an excuse for hiding now. 

As she hangs up the phone and scribbles a message for Michael she wants to laugh and cry and scream all at once.  She hears Jim joking with Karen in the break room and she holds the pencil in her hand so tightly it snaps in two.

It’s then that she realizes that this scenario is her worst nightmare come true. 

She's spent these months trying to figure out what to do, what to say that can show him she's changed her mind.  She’d talked herself in and out of it a thousand times.  She thought, at various points in time that maybe she could learn to live without him.  As a matter of fact she was determined to do just that and then he'd called and they'd spoken. 

When she hung up the phone that night it had crashed over her like a wave.  Sitting at her desk she feels it again, just as real as she had then.  You could have had him; she admonishes herself.  You were just too scared.

She stares over at his desk, well, Ryan's desk now and remembers the last time she'd seen him there, how his face was in shadows but his eyes were clearly visible.  She could see what the rest of her life could be staring back at her and it scared her almost to death.  She remembers the look on his face as he slipped his hands from hers.   Till the very last second she could imagine herself holding on instead of letting go.   

It was a shock to her that even without him there to push she'd pushed herself to cancel the wedding and to start over.  It was terrifying and empowering all at once to know that she wasn’t stuck anymore, that she was capable of rewriting the end of all this. 

She hears laughter again and is roused from her thoughts as she watches the crowd head into the conference room. 

Michael is in his element, basking in the fact that he’s the center of attention.  Jan looks exasperated, as usual.  Their new employees all look a bit shell shocked.  Pam can sympathize.  She’s been here for years and she’s stunned on a regular basis by what goes on. 

She stands unsteadily on her feet; she feels this nagging need to talk to Jim again, and the sooner – the better.  She needs to know what made him come back to the office that night.   She needs to explain to him why she didn't call him after she made the choice to cancel the wedding.  She wants to let him how scared she was, how the way he'd said things made her certain he wanted all or nothing from that point forward.   She’s hoping she’ll be able to find the chance to pull him aside and get him to listen.

Kissing him had been nothing short of amazing, and nothing she could seem to get her mind off of but she hadn't had a chance to really process it the moment it happened.   He gazed down at her, waiting for answers and she stood there with a head full of nothing but questions.  

This hadn't been easy for her either and he – of all people – should have known that.  Leaving Roy proved to be incredibly difficult.

She hears his laugh, listens to him joking with Karen and that’s all it takes.  In an instant, she realizes that he really could be lost to her forever. She stands at the doorway of the conference room, trying to will her legs to move forward.

She sees Karen sitting beside Jim and resists the sudden urge to storm over and pull her out of the chair by her hair.  She can see herself doing just that and it horrifies her.  As she quickly walks past and settles down in the corner, as far away from them as she can manage, she knows in the back of her mind that she's being irrational.  It’s really not a far reach to assume the worst. They are together, somehow.  And if they are, she simply can’t even believe him. 

How dare he move on so quickly?  Wasn’t he supposed to be in love with her?  She has to take a deep breath to control her anger which is now simmering to the point of boiling over.  This is what she’d been so afraid of all along - afraid that once she changed her life he would change his mind.  

Pam’s emotions volley back and forth, from penitence to resentment.  Even as her eyes well up at the memory of what happened between them her thoughts shift and she’s once again agitated.  It wasn’t fair for him to expect her to take all the responsibility for the space that's suddenly between them. 

She knows she’s far from blameless and that she’s hurt him terribly.  She’s acutely aware of the damage she’s caused.  But things have changed now.   She’s not with Roy anymore and she finds that doesn't much like the idea of Jim being the one who's attached now.  Though all she truly wants is for him to be happy, hearing him laughing like that with someone else is like a knife to her heart.  As she sits there she realizes that this is also the first time she's being honest with herself. 

It's the first time she truly lets herself feel how much she loves him.