Pam was later than usual getting into the office, but for good reason. Surprised by the suggestion from Roy this morning, she stayed packing a nice lunch for both her and Roy. Sandwiches, pickle spears, fresh strawberries, salads with dressing on the side, cookies in baggies. More than the usual leftovers or sandwich and chips. Roy had asked her to pack them a nice lunch to eat together while she was getting dressed. Something kind of special. It was a little inconvenient, but she didn't mind. Things with Roy were better and he was taking time to spend with her. She was blissfully content as she poured herself her first cup of tea for the day. She usually didn't sweeten, but Oolong with just a touch of honey sounded so good this morning. Nothing was going to ruin her day.

Roy had been so gentle and sweet this morning. He had woken her up with kisses, but not pushed her to take it further. He had complimented her hair and makeup, and the lunch idea had been such a pleasant surprise. It had been a great morning.

Michael called her into his office about half an hour after she got in. After taking notes on a phone call he had with Jan, and being asked to analyze every other word for double meanings, Michael's tone turned serious.

"Pamnana split, I wanted to talk to you about the schedule you typed up for me." Despite the cringeworthy nickname, Michael's face was very serious, much to Pam's elation.

Pam put a carefully schooled look of curious concern on her face, "What was wrong with the schedule?"

"It was kind of hard to read, Pam."

Score. She nodded, failing at hiding a smile. She wouldn't have to do it and he didn't seem mad.

"But" he continued, her heart sank. "All and all, I loved it. Do it again tomorrow. Oh, but use darker colors? Or word art?"

She nodded, a little grumpy about the stupid tasks he had her do, but still in an overall fantastic mood from the morning. When she left Michael's office she made hard eye contact with him, a look of comically fake hatred on her face, but a playful glint in her eyes.

 Michael aside, in his office, holding up the unreadable neon schedule: "There's something great when an employee takes time to do something special for you. I'm a great boss," He beamed, "What can I say?" He cleared his throat. "It's a little hard to read. Artsy types like Pam always put beauty first. Shame she doesn’t do that with her appearance."

"How'd it go?" Jim sauntered up to her desk, a smug, knowing grin on his face. Pam wanted to be annoyed with him just a little, but she couldn't. He was just too… Jim.

"He loved it," she admitted with a grimace.

"I so told you."

"I hate you." she wanted to be mad, but she couldn't hide her smile.

"Pstch, you love me." He popped a few jelly beans in his mouth, leaning against her desk with that cocky grin on his face.

She couldn't help but smile up at him in response, her stomach doing a little flip when their eyes met. Green eyes. Like a dark grey green. Pine trees in the autumn, before the snow. She snapped herself out of it. She preferred blue eyes. Roy had blue eyes. "He asked for Word Art next time."

"Nice." He rocked back on his heels, clenching his fist in success sarcastically. "More late nights at work, contemplating color theories and font size?"

"I'm sure I can squeeze it in around my other very important research." Pam turned confidently back to her desk, pretending to work.

"Yeah?" He leaned down over her desk as through trying to spy what she was working on "More palm reading?"

"It's called palmistry."

"Oh yeah?"

"And I'll have you know that was of vital research to the company."

"I bet. How would a corporate structure function without knowing how many children we - I mean each of us - are going to have?" He blushed and scratched the back of his head.

"It's important when planning your 401k." She loved that he played along. Why did they not hang out more outside of work? There was her teaching him to drive stick like a year or so back, but since then they spent too little time hanging out.

"So what's your research about today, Beesly?" he dug through the jelly beans looking for a pink one. Those were his favorites.

"I don't know… Maybe numerology?" It was silly, she knew it, but she loved that stuff. Not the way Kelly loved it, reading daily horoscopes and putting absolute faith in unknowable forces of the universe, but it was trashy. Fun. Besides it wasn't as trashy as Trading Spouses, so Jim couldn't say anything.

"Math?"

"What? It's interesting!"

"Oh my god. You want to be a fortune teller!"

"No I don't! Shut up!" Pam laughed

"I've gotta tell Kelly."

"Don't you dare."

"I'm going to write her an email right now." he took a couple steps backwards to his desk in a grand gesture.

"And I'm already typing her one, telling her you were asking how it's going with Ryan. That you want all the details." She mock typed on her keyboard, making the threat more real.

"This is a dangerous game you're playing, Beesly." He challenged, eyebrow raised and arms out spread, as if to say 'come at me.'

"Mutually assured destruction. Suck it, Halpert."

He threw his arms up dramatically, "Okay I give."

She grinned widely at him as he sat back down, today was going perfectly.

Kelly, aside in the annex, "I love horoscopes! Why do you ask? Do other people like them too? Oh My God who? Is it Ryan? Did I tell you about my horoscope today? It is such an awesome day for me. Today I am going to talk with someone who will change my life for the better, but it's a bad day to wear red. What's your sign? I'm a Gemini, which is awesome. It's super important to know your sign. I looked up Ryan's sign yesterday. He's a Capricorn. Ohmygod do you think that he might be the someone I talk to today who changed my life. He is so cute. I hope he asks me out! That would be so completely awesome."

Several hours and no more than 15 phone calls later, an unusually low number, she had done the calculations for both her and Jim. Four numbers for both of them filled with hidden meaning. Not that she believed in this, but it was fun and a good distraction. They had the same Life Path and Balance numbers: 1 and 9 respectively, but different Destiny and Birthday numbers. His was 11, hers: 8. She hadn't looked up what they meant, she figured they could do that together and waste some time after lunch.

Feeling a little guilty for leaving Roy out, not wanting to give him a reason to be jealous, she did his numbers as well. And just to be extra careful to make sure this looked like something meaningless and not an inside joke, she did Dwight's as well. As she scribbled down numbers and answered phones, Pam slipped away from her happiness back to the previous night.

Jim had taken her home last night. She thought it might be awkward, after Roy got so angry with both of them in front of the whole office, but it wasn't. After a few tense moments, everything dissolved back into their usual camaraderie. Jim was her best friend and she never had more fun than when they were together. As she sat in the car with him, she kept thinking of ways to extend this sliver of time she had with him outside of the office, without filter. She almost suggested dinner together: fast food. Casual and unromantic enough that it couldn't be misconstrued as a date. But Roy would see it as one. She hated that she did this to Roy, made him feel so insecure about their relationship. If not hanging out with her friend would help him feel better, it was the least she could do.

When Jim dropped her off, she wanted so badly to invite him up. She knew Roy wouldn't be back till late and the idea of spending yet another evening alone while the world goes on around her was almost overwhelming. The only thing that stopped her was the idea of how hurt and angry Roy would be. She could text and ask permission, hint at Jim not being a threat, but now was not the right time to push anything. She hugged Jim goodbye and settled into a night alone.

She had leftovers for dinner, anticipating Roy would be well fed on Bar food. She did some laundry and had a glass of wine or two. When Roy wasn't home by eleven, she settled in for bed. She was asleep by midnight and actually slept pretty well until Roy drunkenly stumbled in happy and excited to see her.

"Pammy!" He collapsed on top of her on their bed, jarring her violently from sleep. "I missed you!"

"I missed you too." Pam rubbed her eyes and struggled in to a sitting position, trying not to let her grumpiness at being woken ruin the moment of Roy being so nice. "What time is it?"

“You're kinda hot, you know?" He said, ignoring her question and, instead, looking at her with a wolfish grin, eyes taking in her bed head and her bunched up tank top.

Pam rolled her eyes in response. Of course. Of course that's why he was so happy, so attentive. She brushed him off, she wasn't in the mood. "C'mon, Roy," she smiled sleepily, "Let's go to bed."

"Oh, c'mon Pammy. Please. I love you. And I missed you so much while I was out."

"Not tonight, Roy, I have to be up soon."

"You love me don't you?" He grumbled, as though confused about why Pam would ever deny him sex.

"Of course I love you."

"This would really show me that you love me, Babe." His words were followed by silence of Pam's part. "I mean, after today I really need to feel that you love me."

"I know, Roy, I love you, but I just don't - Not tonight, okay?"

"You owe me. C'mon Pam, after today, you owe me." Serious eyes and insistent hands met her refusal, but guilt brought it home. He had her there. She had said he owed her. She knew what that entailed. By that point he was already mostly on top of her, kissing her

body, roughly removing her shirt. Her best option was taking control.

Appeasing his sexual appetites with a blow job would often result in Roy leaving her alone so that she could get back to sleep. It wasn't that bad actually. She had done this a hundred times. If history told her anything, he'd just lay back tired, let her do her thing, and collapse afterward so that she could just go on with her life. Men had higher libidos, a bigger need for sexual gratification, this was just part of it. Part of a healthy give and take of a relationship.

It was never pleasant. He smelled gross and sweaty from a hard day of work followed by a long night out. All of this was made worse by him being pushier than usual as well, not letting her take control the way she wanted. She hated dirty talk, hated some of the things he said during sex. The worst moment, the moment when she almost stopped everything in favor of fighting, was when he grunted "Take it" in a moment of roughness. It was worse than humiliating, it was degrading. That, combined with his forcefulness that brought tears to her eyes, took away any pleasure she may have had at making him feel good. When he finally finished and passed out on the bed, Pam went into the bathroom and let herself cry, wondering if he was hurting her on purpose as revenge.

After a few minutes to collect herself, Pam headed to bed, surprised to see Roy was still up.

"Hey, babe. You okay."

"Yeah, I'm fine. I just don't like dirty talk like that, you know?" She stood awkwardly by the bed, not really feeling up to joining a conscious Roy in bed.

"I'm sorry about that. I guess I just forgot how much you hate it. I promise I'll talk to you before we decide to try something like that again." He opened his arms and gave her a big smile, beckoning her to bed. In his arms.

"Yeah. That'd be nice. Thanks Roy." She smiled. She should have known. He never meant to hurt her. He loved her. He had asked her to marry him. And it's unreasonable to ask that he be into the same things as her, sexually. It was just part of the give and take of a normal relationship.

"I love you." He stroked her hair as she crawled up next to him.

"I love you too."

"C'mere. Let's go to sleep. Or do you want me to…?" he gestured vaguely at her body, but seemed actually willing enough to reciprocate this time.

"No. I just want to cuddle." She hadn't wanted to do anything. She needed the sleep.

"That's why I love you. You're always so easy to please." Roy yawned out as he got comfortable.

Good old reliable Pammy. So easy to please. Easy to please because his half hearted reciprocations never really did it for her, she mostly had to take care of herself. He was either just not skilled in giving pleasure or he didn't care. She hoped it was the former. But she couldn't say any of that, so instead she just wiggled herself under the blankets, still in his arms, and whispered, "Good night." It felt nice to be held after such a bad day, even if Roy did cause a lot of the awfulness. All her hurt, all her anger, Pam set aside. Things were okay now. Roy loved her. He was holding her, he was taking care of her. Things were okay. They were going to be okay.

As she slipped back into unconsciousness she imaged that Jim, not Roy, Jim with his long arms and deep green eyes, was sleeping behind her, holding and caring for her after such a trying day. Her dreams that night involved him as well. She and Jim were separated by a wall, white styrofoam and paper, brought together by their mutual love of mac and cheese, which they were both were eating from bright blue bowls. When they got to a break in the wall, the size of a large window, they leaned toward each other, both holding their macaroni lightly. Jim whispered to her in some foreign language and they kissed. Her heart had never felt so full.

Pam, still lost in the memory of her dream, a memory much preferable to the memory of of last night's reality, was startled back to reality by Meredith.

"I know that look. You're remembering getting plowed aren't you?"

Pam's face turned a bright red. "No! I um. No, that's not-" she stuttered.

"Hey, you don't have to explain anything to me," She gave pam a big wink. "Can you make 10 copies of this for me?"

"Yeah, no problem." Pam headed over to the copier while Meredith hung around her desk, looking over the Numerology chart she was working on. The one that looked more than a bit like the Matrices she covered in high school algebra.

"Thanks. Hey, whatcha workin' on here? Going back to school? Good idea. "

"Oh, no. It's just - It's nothing."

"Yeah? Okay. You should think about going back to school though. Better than being Michael's secretary your whole life." Meredith suggested, throwing a disgusted look towards Michaels weirdly silent and sealed up office.

"I'm the receptionist." Pam refuted, offended, despite knowing there was no reason to be.

"Whatever, same thing." Meredith took the copies and left. It got Pam thinking. Was there really any difference between the two positions? Was a secretary really worse than a receptionist? Maybe she should go back to school.

Meredith, aside: "I always encourage young women to go back to school. It's great, you get to party and drink on weekdays and no one says a thing. You're in college! I'm working on my PhD on weekends. Parties every week. Free booze if you show your boobs. It's awesome."