Jim has spent the summer convincing himself that he and Pam are just friends. He's been doing a good job of it. Really. He's been seeing Katy, kind of, since late spring, and yeah okay she isn't exactly his type but she's always excited to see him and cute and peppy and she laughs at his jokes and in relationships sometimes you have to make compromises, right? You can't always be with your perfect match or soulmate or whatever; sometimes you're with someone that also fits the description of a labrador but that's just how it is. And Jim is okay with that, and he's been able to almost persuade himself that he's not in love with Pam and he can move past his crush or infatuation or whatever the best term is and it's been...things have been good.
Yeah, sometimes (a lot of times) he thinks about the day of the 05-05-05 party, when he found out what it felt like to have her fingertips slide across his palm, when he found out that his hands could completely cover her small ones, when he could have sworn he watched her rake her eyes across his body and get a little fixated on his mouth. But generally, he does okay. He's gotten in this nice kind of safe area where he can enjoy her company and joke and laugh and mess around with Dwight but also not get that feeling like he's been punched in the gut.
Until she kissed him. That blew the entire thing straight to hell.
It wasn't even...it isn't even a big thing. It could so very easily be written off as something friendly and alcohol-fueled and because she was so happy about her 'Whitest Sneakers' Dundie. Friends kissed friends like that, sometimes, just an innocent thing that doesn't deserve to be analyzed or dissected or replayed over and over and over. Which, of course, is what Jim's been doing since the second it happened.
More than that, though, he's been analyzing and dissecting and replaying the moment they'd shared after, in the parking lot. Where he could feel her shoulder pressed against his as they laughed about her bathroom graffiti. Where she looked at him with wide eyes and a hesitant expression, like she was about to jump off of a cliff instead of talk to him in a Chili’s parking lot. He’d felt so hopeful when she'd asked if she could ask him a question. Like she was going to ask something significant, say something that would make all of this actually mean something, because there was just no way that she didn't know, didn't feel it too. Those damn cameras, though, they'd been there lurking in the parking lot and made everything weird, made Pam self conscious.
So he'd never know what she wanted to ask. And she'd kissed him. Those two things completely destroy the wall that he's carefully constructed over the summer. He's in deep, he can no longer even try to deny to himself that he loves her. Its amazing, and it also sucks.
He's taking it one day at a time.
Which brings him to now, to this particular day, which is turning out to be one of the best he's had in a long time. Finding Dwight's wallet in the parking lot is good enough, but Pam's suggestion to put everything exactly as it was and just return it to Dwight is nothing short of genius. Watching Dwight painstakingly navigate automated systems so that he could cancel his credit cards (including one for a short sleeved dress shirt warehouse that Jim didn't even know existed but explains a lot) is enough to make anybody's day, but when Dwight mournfully calls the number on the back of a slightly pornographic looking business card, things get even better. He pulls up his and Pam's instant messenger window (is it telling that the first thing he does when he gets to work is sign onto IM so that he can discreetly talk to Pam all day?) and alerts her to the most recent development.
JIM9334: What's the name of that Japanese cartoon girl that Dwight is obsessed with?
Receptionitis15: Konikotaka.
Receptionitis15: I hate that I know that.
Receptionitis15: Why? Got a crush yourself there, Jim? :-P
JIM9334: God, no.
JIM9334: I just think that Dwight is currently agonizing over whether or not we compromised his membership to the Konikotaka fan club.
Receptionitis15: omg
Receptionitis15: omg!!!
Receptionitis15: Wow. That's kind of sad. He looks like he's going to cry. I couldn't hear, did he cancel his membership?
JIM9334: Pam, don't feel bad for him. This is Dwight we're talking about.
JIM9334: And yes, he did cancel his membership. He said he would still be active on the internet forums, thought, so it's not as bleak as it seems.
Receptionitis15: Is it weird that I have kind of a morbid interest in finding these forums and seeing what goes on there?
Receptionitis15: OK OK! Don't give me that look.
JIM9334: I just don't want you to be permanently scarred or anything.
JIM9334: Because who the hell knows what gets discussed on a Kanikatanka forums.
Receptionitis15: Konikotaka. Get it right, Jim.
JIM9334: Whatever.
JIM9334: Dork.
Receptionitis15: 8-)
The phone rings then, so Pam turns to answer it and Jim minimizes his chat window. He actually has some work to get done today, expense reports, but he isn't quite able to muster up the energy to do more than ten minutes of actual work before he dies of boredom. Pam always comes to rescue when he dies of boredom, so he does it pretty often. And sure enough, he hears the chime of a new instant message.
Receptionitis15: Revive yourself and come over here. I have a secret game to show you.
Pam's game (skeet-shruting, they decide to call it) turns into a day of games and Jim has the most fun he can remember having in a long time. Pam effortlessly steps into the role of co-chair and the whole day is just...great. Largely due to her. The way she pulls everyone back into the spirit of the games with the closing ceremonies is, quite frankly, amazing. Jim is amazed by her. In awe of her. She puts a smile on his face that lasts until well after he gets home.
He's in front of the TV with leftovers and a beer when his cell phone vibrates. The smile on his face gets bigger when he sees that it's a message from Pam.
I have a confession.
spill the beans beesly
Curiosity got the best of me.
???
I went to the Konikotaka forums.
pam, no!!!
I couldn't help it!
is it sad that i kind of want to know all the details?
Trust me, you don't.
But get on IM and I'll tell you anyway. :)
lol
see you soon
Jim is all too happy to oblige. His laptop is upstairs in his bedroom and chatting with Pam while in his bedroom sounds appealing, even if it's just online, so he shuts off the TV and heads upstairs. It only takes a few seconds of internal debate to decide that (online) chatting with Pam while he's stretched out in bed sounds really appealing, so he rushes to take a shower and get settled in.
Receptionitis15: Took you long enough, Halpert.
Receptionitis15: What'd you do, solve world hunger?
JIM9334: Yep. And took a shower, got ready for bed.
Receptionitis15: I'm in bed too!
That makes Jim's stomach twist, but not in an unpleasant way. Chatting with Pam while they're both in bed sounds the most appealing of all, online or otherwise--but he doesn't let himself think about the "otherwise" part of that thought.
Receptionitis15: You there?
JIM9334: Yeah, sorry. I hope I'm not keeping anybody awake.
Receptionitis15: No, it's just me. Roy went out with Kenny, or someone. He'll probably be out all night, since it's Friday.
JIM9334: Ah.
Receptionitis15: Oh gosh, I'm not keeping *you* from anything, am I?
Receptionitis15: I mean, you're not ignoring Katy or anyone to talk to me, right?
JIM9334: No, I'm not with Katy. I'm all yours, Beesly.
Receptionitis15: So...it's none of my business, I know, but are you guys...
JIM9334: Are we what?
JIM9334: Are we guys? Is that what you're asking?
JIM9334: I don't know if you've noticed, Pam, but yes, I am a guy. Katy does not seem to be. Does that answer your question?
Receptionitis15: You're such a goob.
Receptionitis15: But no, I meant, are you guys dating?
JIM9334: I don't know, honestly. We see each other time to time. It's casual, if anything.
Receptionitis15: Oh. I just remember you said once that she wasn't really your type, is all.
JIM9334: Wow, stalker much? ;-)
Receptionitis15: OMG, you're so right. I'm sorry, it's none of my business. I've had some wine tonight, it makes me talkative.
JIM9334: I'm very familiar with inebriated Pam. I remember your speech at the Dundies.
Receptionitis15: God really was in that Chili's, Jim. Don't make fun. ;-)
JIM9334: Oh I totally felt it, Pam. It was a religious experience for me for sure.
JIM9334: But you're right, I did say that. But not every couple can be a perfect match, right?
Receptionitis15: No. They can't.
JIM9334: Anyway. She's nice. We have lunch plans next week, I think. We're just hanging out.
JIM9334: Hello?
Receptionitis15: I'm here, sorry.
JIM9334: Back on those forums again, huh?
Receptionitis15: Oh my god, I can't believe I haven't told you about them yet! I think I found Dwight's account. Actually, I feel positive I found Dwight's account, because someone posts on the public board under the name DwightKShrute.
Receptionitis15: There are some private boards that you have to be a member of, too. I have no desire to try to get on those, though, the public board was bad enough.
JIM9334: Do I want to know?
Receptionitis15: Jim, it's sad. He's obsessed with this girl, this fake girl. She's his dream girl and he can literally never have her.
They talk for a while longer, but Jim doesn't feel the same excitement he'd felt when she first texted him. The conversation had taken a turn that was a little too close to reality, to his reality, and Jim feels about as pathetic as Dwight, pining over an unobtainable woman.
He know that he needs to try harder to move on, be more present with Katy, do something, because this? With Pam? It's never going to happen. The sooner he understands and accepts that, the better off he'll be. The wall he'd so carefully built over the summer--the one she tore down with a drunken kiss and a look in a parking lot--he starts to put it back up.
They can be friends. They are friends. That's all they'll ever be.
Receptionitis15: Okay, I feel like I've lost you. And it's pretty late, anyway. I better get to bed.
JIM9334: Oh yeah, sorry. Didn't mean to disappear like that. But you're probably right.
JIM9334: Night, Pam.
Receptionitis15: Goodnight, Jim. Sweet dreams.
