Pam and Larissa’s heart to heart was only interrupted by a nurse coming in to check in on the patient, which had the effect of expelling them from the room as well—not that the nurse explicitly asked them to but that they (especially Pam) quickly realized they were underfoot and got out. It also brought back to them both the seriousness of the situation with Jim, whose breathing and heartbeat were normal—or as normal as could be expected—but who still hadn’t woken up. Pam could see Larissa was having difficulty keeping it together, and was feeling a strong urge herself to break into tears. They sat in the waiting room, each silent in their own head for a moment. Then Pam remembered something from the last time she was in the hospital, for her mom’s gall bladder. It was a little room on one of the floors with a view out across Roaring Brook and Nay Aug Park—with trees hiding I-81—and some of the comfiest chairs in the whole hospital.

“Hey Larissa?”

“Yes, Pam?”

“I…correct me if I’m wrong, but they’re going to be busy with Jim for a little while, right?”

“Um, I think so, why?”

“I have somewhere you might like to see.”

Larissa hadn’t been kidding about being active, Pam thought, as her new friend popped up immediately from her chair and followed her down the hall. Pam realized she had less of an idea than she thought of exactly how to get from the ICU to that corner of the hospital, but she found a helpful janitor a few turns in who pointed her in the direction of a series of signs to a “Relaxation Room” which proved to be exactly the room she remembered. Larissa had kidded her about her inability to find it—“So Pam, I think I’ve figured out where you’re taking me, and I’ve already been to New Jersey”—but when she saw the room she simply stopped. Pam turned around and saw her standing there with tears simply running down her face, and she didn’t stop and think—she just threw her arms around the taller woman. She felt Larissa’s arms go around her and her head rest on Pam’s as she began to sob. After a few minutes, she shook herself and sat down in one of the chairs, wiping her eyes.

“I’m so sorry, Pam, I just…”

“Larissa, don’t…”

“No, I don’t know what came over me, I…”

“Seriously, it’s OK. That’s what friends are for.”

“Thank you. I really needed that. I don’t know why, but you finding this room…it just made me realize how bad the rest of the hospital is, you know? It’s not that it’s a bad hospital—believe me, if Jim had to be somewhere I’m glad it’s here—but it’s so…hospital. The chairs are hard to sit in, harder to sleep in; the walls are just monotonous; it’s all so efficiently medical. And I want it to be, you know? Like, if all the chairs were like this and there were giant windows everywhere and it was all green everywhere, it would feel weird and like they didn’t know what they were doing. I want Jim in a place that feels like they’ll take care of him, like they’ll fix him. But I’ve been here for two days and this is the first time I’ve felt like I could relax. Is that horrible of me? He’s still down there, he’s still just as broken, but I’m relaxed.”

“That’s not horrible. It’s human. It’s why I thought you should come here. And it’s why,” here Pam steeled herself up for what she expected to be a long argument “it’s why I want you to go home tonight, or to Jim’s place, or somewhere that’s not here. You need a night away, a shower, a change of clothes.”

“But I can’t leave Jim alone!” Larissa was almost out of her chair when Pam’s upraised hand stopped her.

“I…I could be here.” She blushed and looked away. “I mean, if you’d let me.” Her voiced dropped almost to an inaudible level. “I’d like to.”

“But I can’t possibly ask you…”

“You didn’t. I’m asking. I want to be here. For Jim.”

Larissa looked deep into Pam’s eyes.

“OK.” She grinned, suddenly looking so much like Jim it hurt Pam for a moment to see her, so she turned aside again. “I’ll admit, I could use a shower and a change of clothes. And my back could use a real bed.” Her grin faded a little. “It will also give me a chance to work harder on getting in touch with our parents. I hate that they don’t know.”

Pam nodded. Larissa grinned again. “And just imagine if Jim wakes up while you’re there. I’d give anything to be a fly on that wall.” At Pam’s sudden panicked expression she impulsively grabbed the other woman’s hand. “He’ll be happy to see you. He loves you. Don’t ever doubt that.” Pam blushed. Larissa let go of her hand but still spoke warmly. “Believe me, I wouldn’t let you do this even if I had been here a week if I didn’t believe both that he loves you and wants you here, and that you…well, let’s just say that you have my complete trust to do what’s best for my brother.”

Pam looked her in the eye. “Thank you. I…I do love him, even if,” another blush “I haven’t told him yet.”

Larissa smiled. “Well, when he wakes up you can tell him. For now, let’s get back there. I’m glad to know this room is here, but if I’m going to go home I want to look in on my brother one more time.”

It turned out that the Relaxation Room was only three turns away from the ICU waiting room when you knew how you were going, so they were back by Jim’s room in what felt like no time compared to how long it had taken them to find it in the first place. Pam paid careful attention to their route so that she could follow it back in case she needed to. They were unsurprised but slightly saddened to find Jim in the same condition as before. Larissa bent over and kissed his forehead, then gave Pam a hug before heading out the door.

A minute later she stuck her head in.

“I should probably give you my cell phone in case anything changes—and I should get yours so I’m not just calling your house and hoping you’ll pick up.”

They traded cell numbers and Larissa tracked down the shift nurse, telling her to give information to Pam as if she were Larissa herself because “she’s family.” Pam smiled at that and tried not to cry, and the hug she gave Larissa when she finally did head out was extremely heartfelt.

Then she settled into the chair in Jim’s room to wait. She pulled out his iPod to find some music to listen to, and finding a playlist labeled “Beesly” (not entirely to her surprise) hit “Play All.”

Twenty seconds into the first song she was sobbing quietly to herself, but she didn’t let herself stop listening. It felt good to let the hurt inside, instead of denying her feelings as she had before.

Colder, crying on your shoulder

Hold her, and tell her everythings gonna be fine

-Travis