It had been three weeks since it happened. Three weeks since Pam came home different. Three weeks since Pam had let Jim touch her and she was losing her fucking mind. She knew she needed to open up, tell someone what happened but she couldn't. She was too ashamed, too disgusted with herself.

 She tugged at her hair in frustration and bit down on her lip harshly to keep herself from crying out, listening to the faint noises of her fiancé in the kitchen downstairs. She missed him so much, she missed his warmth and his smell and his comfort but she knew when Jim found out what happened that he wouldn't want her anymore.

She sighed heavily and wiped at her cheeks, frowning when her stomach growled, begging for food. It had been three weeks since she'd kept a meal down. She forced herself out of bed, her limbs feeling heavy as she slowly made her way down to the kitchen to get something small to eat.

She kept her head down as she walked into the kitchen, hoping that Jim wouldn't try to get her to talk. He'd tried every day for three weeks and it was getting harder and harder for Pam to keep quiet. She stayed silent as she opened the pantry door, grabbing a pack of crackers from the shelf.

She could feel Jim's eyes on her and she did her best to ignore it, pretending like she didn't even notice him as she turned back around and headed for the stairs, ready to tuck herself back in bed and hide under the covers.

"Pam.." She was almost there, her left foot was on the bottom stair when she heard him. She closed her eyes and let out a quiet sigh, her whole body tensing up. She couldn't do this. She didn't move, didn't make any effort or gesture towards him, she just stood there and waited.

"Pam" he repeated, his voice soft as he took a tentative step towards her

"Hon, why don't you come sit down? I'll make you some breakfast"

She could hear the hopefulness in his tone and she hated it. She hated knowing that she was disappointing him. All she ever wanted was to make him happy, to be everything he'd ever wanted and needed but she couldn't be. Not anymore. All she would ever be was a disappointment.

She closed her eyes tightly against the onslaught of tears that were welling up in her eyes and shook her head, clearing her throat quietly before whispering

"I'm not hungry". 

It was a lie and they both knew it, the pack of crackers in her hand and the growling of her stomach giving her away.

"Babe, you need to eat. You haven't had a proper meal in weeks. Please, just come sit down and let me make you some food"

A few tears fell down her cheeks and she hastily wiped them away, hoping he hadn't seen them. She didn't want to give him another reason to think she was weak.

She took in a deep, shaky breath and slowly turned around so she was facing him. She forced herself to lift her head up and open her eyes, looking at Jim for the first time since that night. She couldn't help but let a few more tears fall, her heart shattering at the look on his face. He looked so confused and hurt and completely fucking exhausted and she hated herself because she knew it was her fault.

She let out a quiet whimper as her legs gave out on her and she sunk down to the floor. She curled up into herself, burying her face in her knees as she sobbed, finally letting out all of the emotion she'd been keeping bottled up.

Jim's eyes widened at the sight of the love of his life sobbing on the floor, his heart clenching and his stomach twisting. There was nothing he hated more than knowing that Pam was upset and hurt, especially when he didn't even know why.

He shook his head to himself, trying to get himself to focus. He had to do something. He went over to where she was sitting, forcing himself to stay as calm as possible. The last thing he wanted was to freak her out with how frazzled he was.

He sat down on the floor beside her and slowly, carefully wrapped her up in his arms, letting out a soft breath of relief when she didn't immediately tense up and push him away like she'd done every other time he tried to touch her. He gently pulled her up into his lap, one hand rubbing her back and the other stroking through her hair, and rocked her slowly, trying his best to soothe her.

"I'm here, baby" he whispered, pressing kisses to the top of her head "I've got you. Whatever is going on, it's all gonna be okay"

He felt her shake her head against his chest and then pull away from him completely. She looked up at him and he couldn't help but take in a small breath. Even when she was distraught, her face splotchy and her eyes puffy from crying, she was still the most beautiful woman he'd ever seen.

He cupped her cheek gently, stroking her cheekbone with his thumb

"I love you" he said softly as she leaned into his touch, her eyelids fluttering shut as she savored his warmth and gentleness

"And I promise that it's all going to be okay. You're going to be okay. We can work through this, I know we can, I just..I need you to talk to me, honey. I need you to let me in so I can help you" he murmured, keeping his voice as soft as he could so she didn't think he was upset or angry. He could never be angry with her, he was just so unbelievably worried.

These last few weeks had been the worst in his life, knowing she was so, so hurt but not knowing why or how to fix it was killing him.

She took a few moments to think about that, letting herself be comforted and reassured by his gentle touch and loving words. She knew he was right, she couldn't hide forever. Eventually he was going to find out. She opened her eyes, blinking away more tears and nodded her head once as she whispered

"Okay. I'll tell you but you have to promise me something"

"Anything" he agreed immediately.

He'd do absolutely anything for her, no questions asked. She sniffled quietly, wiping away the rest of her tears before continuing

"I need you to promise me that when I tell you what happened, you won't stay around just to humor me or try to let me down easy. I know that what I'm about to tell you is- it's gonna change everything" she sighed, feeling sick to her stomach at the thought of Jim leaving her, though she knew it was inevitable.

Jim narrowed his eyes in confusion, shaking his head as he tried to pull her impossibly closer to him

"Nothing you could ever tell me could change us or how I feel about you. If there's one thing I am one hundred percent certain of in this world, it's my feelings for you. I love you, Beesly. You are everything to me and that will never, ever change" he told her, his voice breaking slightly at the end.

He hated that she could ever doubt that, hated that she had been stuck in her own thoughts and worrying about him leaving over this. He made a promise to himself right then that he would do everything in his power to remind her everyday just how much she meant to him.

She felt more tears well up in her eyes at his words and she gave him a weak smile before burying her face in his neck.

"I love you too" she whispered against his skin.

She stayed there for a few more minutes, just breathing him in. She really had missed him. Once she felt she was ready, she pulled away again and cleared her throat softly

"It happened the night I stayed late to finish up the mural. It was around 8 when I finished up but I hung around for a few minutes just looking at it. I was so proud of myself, I couldn't believe I had actually finished it" she breathed, a hint of a smile playing on her lips before it quickly disappeared.

"I was about to leave, I had my keys in my hand and had just turned out the lights when-" she cut herself off with a sob, covering her face with her hands as she cried.

She couldn't continue. She couldn't tell him what happened because if she said the words out loud, it became real, it wouldn't just be a horrible dream anymore.

Jim watched her closely, tears of his own slipping down his cheeks. He gently pulled her hands away from her face and laced their fingers together, squeezing her hands softly as he lovingly kissed the tears off her cheeks

"You're okay, sweetheart, just take your time. You're doing so good, I love you so much" he whispered in her ear, trying to reassure her any way he could.

She took a few more minutes to calm herself back down and then nodded, determined to get through the rest of her story without crying

"So I had just turned out the lights and was walking out when I..I was pulled back and thrown to the floor. I was so shocked and so scared, I didn't know what to do. It wasn't until I felt him pulling my pants off that I really knew w-what was happening. I tried to fight him off, tried to scream but he had a knife.." she stopped again, taking a few deep breaths to steady herself.

She kept her eyes down on her lap, knowing if she looked up at Jim that she would lose her strength.

"He had a knife pressed to my throat and he said he would kill me if I screamed. I don't know if he really would have but I just.. I was scared and weak and I just let him win. He raped me, Jim" she whispered, her voice so soft that he barely heard her.

A part of him wished he hadn't. He had never felt so sick in his life. His head was spinning and he was about two seconds from throwing up but he knew he had to pull it together, he had to stay strong for Pam. She had been dealing with this alone for weeks, she didn't need to deal with trying to take care of him too.

"He raped me and just left me there on the floor, crying and bleeding. I've never felt so.. so disgusting or worthless in my life. Part of me wanted to die, another part of me wanted to kill him. The weak part of me won out though, like it always does" she muttered, letting out a bitter, humorless laugh

"I let him win, I just laid there and let him hurt me and then I crawled to the car and drove home" She was exhausted now, emotionally and physically as she finished reliving the worst moment of her entire life.

Her shoulders slumped as she looked down at her and Jim's hands and she just waited, waited for him to shove her away, kick her out. She knew it was coming, she knew she was damaged goods and that he wouldn't want her anymore. She knew that and she understood, she wouldn't blame him one bit.

After a few more moments of agonizing silence, she couldn't take it anymore and she slowly looked up at him, nibbling her lower lip nervously as her eyes scanned his face.

She saw the dried tear tracks on his cheeks and she saw a mix of emotions in his eyes: disgust and hatred, which she expected, but she also saw pride and love.

"Please say something" she pleaded, unable to take the silence any longer.

He shook his head, opening his mouth to say something but then closed it again. He had so much he wanted to say, yet he didn't know what to say at all

"Pam" he breathed out, a few more tears falling down his cheeks

"My god, Pam. I'm so sorry" he whispered as he let go of her hands so he could wrap her up in a tight hug.

"I'm sorry you've been going through this alone, I'm sorry I wasn't there" he felt her shake her head and press a kiss to his neck and he felt sick all over again. She shouldn't be comforting him.

"You are the most amazing, the most brave and the strongest person I've ever met. You're the absolute furthest thing from weak, do you hear me? You went through something so..so horrendous and you came out on top. You won, Beesly" he felt her shake her head again but he could tell it was different this time.

She slowly pulled away and looked up at him, her eyes wide and confused

"How? How can you possibly say I won? How can you still be sitting here touching me and holding me when I'm so.. so used and disgusting" she sobbed, her whole body shaking from the force of her cries.

He swallowed thickly, blinking his own tears away as he gently cradled her face in his hands

"You are not disgusting or used or weak or worthless, Pam. The man that did it to you is the weak one, the disgusting one. What you went through was absolutely awful but it doesn't define you. It doesn't change who you are and it doesn't change how I feel about you. You're still the same passionate, talented, hardworking, sweet, incredibly beautiful dork that I fell in love with" he told her and he couldn't help but smile when he heard her let out a watery laugh.

She looked up at him, tears still falling down her cheeks but she had a smile on her face. Her first real smile in three weeks. She shook her head, at a loss for words

"I love you so much, Jim. I don't know what I ever did to deserve you but I'm so glad I did it. I'm sorry I pushed you away for so long, I was just so scared. I was scared of admitting it, of it becoming real and I-I was scared of losing you" she admitted, watching him as he shook his head

"You could never, ever lose me. And you don't have to apologize, okay? I'm not upset, I could never be upset with you. Just please know that you can always talk to me, I'm always going to be here for you" he told her, brushing his fingers through her hair

"I do know that" she promised him

"I just got lost in my own head but it won't happen again. I promise I'll tell you everything I'm feeling and thinking. I didn't know how much I needed to talk about it until now" she admitted.

She felt like the weight of the world was off her shoulders now that she had let Jim in.

"Thank you for being here for me. Not just now but all the time. I don't know what I'd do without you"

"I think it goes without saying that the feeling is definitely mutual. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me, Pam. I hope you know how much I love you" he murmured, feeling so overwhelmed with emotion.

She started to say something in response but then changed her mind, shaking her head to herself before she slowly leaned in and pressed her lips to Jim's, kissing him sweetly.

She closed her eyes and let her hands hook behind his neck, tilting her head slightly as she felt him reciprocate her kiss. She pulled away after a few moments, her eyes shining with love as she gazed at him, brushing her thumb across his cheek

"I love you too" she whispered before slowly standing up.

She reached her hand out to him and helped him up from the floor before wrapping her arms around his waist and nuzzling her face in his chest.

Jim looked down at her, a soft smile on his face. He was so unbelievably in love with her and he'd never understand how he got so lucky. He hugged her back just as tightly, pressing kisses to the top of her head as his fingers traced nonsensical patterns on her back.

She shivered slightly under his gentle touch and pressed her lips against his neck, just enjoying his warmth and the love in his embrace. She pulled away after a few moments and took his hand in her own, looking up at him with bright eyes

"C'mon. Let's go make breakfast" she said softly as she gently pulled him along to the kitchen.

She still had a long way to go towards recovery. There were still phone calls to make, trips to the hospital and the police station that had to be made. There were still going to be plenty of sleepless nights and horrible nightmares but right now, none of that mattered.

Right now, she just wanted to enjoy breakfast with her beautiful, incredible fiancé. She wasn't perfectly okay at the moment but she knew that which her own recovered strength and Jim's support, she'd get there. She would win this.