Well, that was a poopy day.
Not a shitty one. She’d experienced shitty. Shitty was the day she came back to the office and noticed Jim’s stuff was gone. Shitty was the day she spent calling all of Roy’s family to tell them the wedding was off. Shitty was the day she turned down the Rhode Island School of Design to stay in Scranton, and cried all day, and Roy just thought she was on her period.
Heh. Apparently this day had more in common with a shitty one than she wanted to admit.
But that was the thing. It wasn’t exactly like that day, because Roy had owed her something. Not that he owed her the chance to go to RISD; that was her choice, she’d chosen, she owned it. But he owed her caring about the choice she’d made, acknowledging the sacrifice, being at least aware that she had made it. He’d owed her being invested in her life, and that was what had made that day shitty.
Today? Jim didn’t owe her that. She wanted him to care about how hard it was to give him advice about Karen, wanted him to notice it, but for all the frustration and angst and sadness she carried around about Jim Halpert, the fact remained that she’d passed up the opportunity to have him owe her those things. She’d said no…well, actually, “I can’t.” And yes, she knew very well in her heart of hearts that it hadn’t been fair for him to dump all that emotional labor onto her that he’d clearly been working on for months-if-not-years, but she’d still messed it up herself. He bore some of the blame for the situation, but she did too. It wasn’t entirely cut and dried, like with Roy.
And she was pretty sure he’d noticed at least a little, too. After all, it was Karen, not him, who’d come by and thanked her for “talking sense into Halpert.” And she’d volunteered to help him. She could still see in her mind’s eye the way he’d gaped a little as she offered to talk to him about Karen. “Really?” And he had been surprisingly cool about it when she worked herself up to admit that: “Honestly, I think you should go easy on her.” Heck, he’d seemed convinced even before she showed him the comparable apartment options. Why? Because she’d convinced him? Or because he’d seen how much it cost her to be honest for him, rather than honest about him? Because honestly, what she’d most wanted to say was “dump her. Not because of this stupid apartment thing, but because of what it represents. If you’re worried about her living on the same street, why are you with her?” Or maybe just “I’ll take the apartment instead, if you’re cool with it. Then we can be together.”
Yeah right. Like she’d ever actually say either of those things. Fancy New Beesly was fancy and new, but she wasn’t that bold.
But Karen just had to rub it in, didn’t she? Actually, Pam wasn’t sure if she was aware of it, but…really, what were the odds he’d not told her at least something about what happened here before he left? He had to have, right?
But if that was the case…why had Karen been so eager to work with her on the party for Christmas? It just didn’t make a lot of sense. Maybe Karen didn’t know. Maybe that wasn’t rubbing it in, but actual genuine gratitude. It certainly had seemed like it, and Karen didn’t seem like the sort of person to bullshit her. But why wouldn’t Karen know?
She was going to go insane if she kept wondering about things like that.
She deliberately turned her thoughts away from Jim and Karen. Roy…at least Roy had again confirmed why she wasn’t with him even if she was bereft of Jim. That little crack about “being right” about Mexico had been a very convenient reminder that even when he was on his best behavior he was capable of being an ass. More than capable. Sure, Mexico would probably have been fine, just like Hawaii would have, but first of all, Jamaica wasn’t Mexico, so what the hell—Michael’s vacation had no bearing on this whatsoever. And second, she was glad she hadn’t had to go on a honeymoon with him at all, if all he could think about was who was right, not what their mutual wishes were.
And that brought her back to Jim. Was he really that thoughtless about Karen, that he’d leave her in the Days Inn rather than having her just down the street? Was he so focused on his own needs and wants that he didn’t care about hers? Was he just another Roy in (admittedly very deep) disguise? And why would his own needs and wants not include having his girlfriend (fine, she could admit it if he could, he they were together…but really, only a month? She didn’t really want to do that math) as close to him as possible? And out of a hotel room, at least? She decided to break it down on a little corner of her sketchpad.
Option 1: Jim is an asshole.
Pros: This is kind of asshole behavior towards Karen. Asking me for help (even if I offered) is kinda assholish too, given our history (part of her wanted to point out that Jim didn’t necessarily know how she felt about it, but then she remembered that he hadn’t really given her the chance to tell him, or responded to her email or text. So.).
Con: I know Jim. I have years of experience with Jim. I love Jim. He’s probably not an asshole (though, see Roy).
Option 2: Jim has an unexpected but serious hotel room kink.
She found herself too flustered to fill out pros and cons for that.
Option 3: Jim thinks Karen is more serious about him than he is about her, and is trying to avoid deepening the relationship.
Pros: Would fit the nervousness about having her move near him. Seems like a Jim thing to do, avoiding the issue rather than directly addressing it with her (see everything prior to Casino Night, especially see complaint to Toby and flight to Australia).
Cons: Not sure Karen is that kind of person to get overinvested in a man. Seems too much like wish fulfillment. Potential for confirmation bias.
Option 4: Unknown cause, TBD
Pros: I have no idea what is going on in Jim’s head right now.
Cons: I have no idea what is going on in Jim’s head right now.
She felt a little better for having written it out. There was the small problem that now she could never show anyone else the sketch on this page, because there was an embarrassing sprawling list (albeit in tight, narrow handwriting to fit it all in) taking up the entire bottom corner. But since the sketch was of the view of Jim’s back from her desk…yeah, she probably wasn’t showing anyone that anyway. So it was safe enough here in her sketchbook.
She sighed. It would honestly be easier if she were just PMSing like Dwight thought. It was sweet of him to have come after her, and to have tried to comfort her. But she couldn’t stop herself from half-wishing it had been someone else. Definitely not Roy (oh dear, could you imagine?) but maybe Jim…
But then again, she reminded herself, if he had found her down there crying, she’d probably have had the same problem she had on Casino Night, and in the parking lot on the day of the merger. She’d have blubbered something about friendship and it would have been the wrong thing and they’d have ended up further apart. At least this way they were still acting like friends. Right?
Right. Because friends cry about each other in the stairwell all the time. Ugh.
