Jim did his absolute damnedest to avoid noticing Roy. Well, maybe not his damnedest, because then he’d have to actually notice the effort he was putting into it, and that would have been worse than noticing Roy. But he had sat down one day and made a multi-layered list of why it made sense for him to avoid Roy and Roy-adjacent activities after one particularly annoying time that Darryl had invited him over for drinks (nothing against Darryl—great guy—it was just his friendship with Roy, who was also there, that made the night annoying. He’d have had fun in a Roy-less world).

1)      It was never good for him to notice how badly Roy treated Pam. This was because

a.       He couldn’t actually say anything to Pam because she got defensive, so

                                                               i.      She was unhappy, and that sucked.

                                                             ii.      She was mad at him specifically, and that sucked too

                                                            iii.      She would cling more tightly to Roy, which was very unhelpful

                                                           iv.      She would more actively ignore whatever it was he pointed out, which was awful.

b.      He couldn’t say anything to Roy, because he got mad, and

                                                               i.      He’d say it was none of Jim’s business

1.      This was technically true, and thus hurtful

2.      Sometimes it wasn’t true, though, because friends look out for friends

                                                             ii.      He might punch Jim (obviously not optimal)

                                                            iii.      He’d ask Pam about it, which would lead to (1) above.

                                                           iv.      [written very small and he didn’t feel good about it] He might change, and Jim wasn’t sure how he could deal with Roy being a good fiancé

1.      Though to be fair to himself, he could probably deal with her having a good fiancé, just not if it was Roy so he had to remember how awful he’d been

2.      This was still not a thought he felt good about.

c.       He couldn’t say anything about it to anyone else because

                                                               i.      It wasn’t his business, not really

                                                             ii.      He didn’t want to be that guy who always talked about his crush and her love life

                                                            iii.      His family and friends were probably sick of it already anyway

2)      It was also not good for him to notice when Roy treated Pam well because of

a.       Jealousy

b.      The constant memory that this was a rare occurrence

                                                               i.      Made worse by her surprise and gratitude for basic emotional competence

                                                             ii.      Made worse by Roy’s apparent sense that doling out a few good moments made him a good guy.

3)      It was further not good for him to hear Roy talk about Pam behind her back because

a.       Duh

b.      He never fucking called her his fiancée

c.       He tended to be crude

4)      Finally, it was not good for him to see Roy socially because

a.       He was afraid they’d be friends if Pam didn’t exist

                                                               i.      And he didn’t like what that said about him and his choice of friends

                                                             ii.      He didn’t want to have to explain why Pam was a stumbling block

b.      If they wouldn’t be friends without Pam, they definitely didn’t need to hang out

Getting the list off his chest was helpful, and he kept a copy of it in his desk drawer (he’d tried to put it in his wallet, so it was always with him, but it was too big). It allowed him to avoid noticing Roy because he’d already noticed him sufficiently: he’d just think “2A” or “1Bi1” to himself and go about his day.

This was not one of those days he could avoid it.

The “purse girl” (her name was Katy, and he felt terrible dehumanizing her by reducing her to her choice to sell purses, but hey, at least he didn’t just call her “hot girl”) was just trying to sell her wares, but Roy would not shut up about what he’d do if he wasn’t dating Pam. Jim wanted to shout “you’re engaged”—and silently cheered for Pam when she pointed this out—and couldn’t help but wonder why Roy was upstairs anyway. He felt like shit for wondering—1Biv, and it made him feel small—but at the same time, what the hell, man? Kevin being creepy about her and how she compared to Pam was not great, but at least he wasn’t engaged to her.

And then there was the damn tickling. How was he supposed to ignore Roy when that was going on literally on his workspace? Tomorrow he was going to have to steal Dwight’s rubbing alcohol, and not for a prank—just to eliminate all vestiges of that moment from his desk and thus his memory. Ugh.

Drinks with Katy were fine. She was nice. She was cute. She didn’t seem to have a hulking fiancé-slash-boyfriend-depending-on-who-you-asked to drive him nuts.

But the next day he saw Roy getting out of his truck, and he noticed.

He was going to need a 5: it’s never good to see Roy, because he’s everything I want to be, and I can’t stand wanting to be that.