Jim’s gaze traveled over the medical poster in front of him. Framed in thin metallic silver, hung a detailed illustration of the stages of fetal growth inside a woman’s uterus. Starting from a small speck and ending in a full term and in his opinion an impossibly large looking baby, ready to evacuate his or her mother’s womb and enter the world. 

He knew the obvious basics of childbirth but he had to be honest the logistics of how a baby that size could possibly come out an opening, that he knew from first hand knowledge was not that size, was still a mystery to him. More of a reason why he had insisted on coming today. Despite Pam’s insistence that he didn’t need to. Knowledge is power and he planned to know everything when it came to this pregnancy.

After all he was the father.

“Anything interesting over there?” Jim turned towards the voice of his fiancé, who sat on the pale blue, paper covered examination table. A thin sheet draped across her naked lower half, as requested by the nurse who had just taken her blood pressure and temp.

“Oh yes, actually.” He smirked, tapping directly on the poster. “Did you realize by the third trimester a bunch of your organs will have shifted all over the place?” A grin slipped over Pam’s face as she watched him explain in hilarious detail what was in store for her in the coming months. 

“Our baby is gonna be like ‘move out of the way intestines and bladder this is my turf now!’” The paper beneath Pam crinkled as she laughed. Her whole body bouncing and moving with the action. Jim never failed to bring forth such reactions from her, even half naked, sitting in a stark OBGYN exam room. “But really how is that even possible? Those are your organs Pam.” He pointed again at the poster, this time at an almost full term baby, head down, “and look at this, his butt is going to be practically in your lungs. How on earth are you supposed to breath?” 

Pam laughed again, “so, the baby is a he now?” 

Jim left his spot by the poster, making it to her side in two long strides. “Well it’s better than calling it an ‘it’, right?” Pam shrugged in agreement. 

“I suppose. Or you could just say ‘the baby’ like I did.” She cocked a well defined brow in Jim’s direction. To which he responded with a happy grin and silly eye roll. A classic Jim face. 

Jim opened his mouth, ready with a witty retort, only to have a gentle knock on the door interrupt him.

“Come in.”  Pam said immediately, as she shot her soon to be husband a smug winning look. 

At Pam’s go ahead the door opened just wide enough for a young looking female doctor, wearing a warm smile, to walk into her room. “Hello, I’m Dr. Lynn.” She told them, extending her hand out in greeting.

Pam eagerly shook her doctors hand and introduced herself, while keeping one hand firmly in her lap, to keep her sheet from slipping. Jim was next taking the petite blondes hand in a firm shake.

“Jim, I’m the Dad.” He beamed. Dr. Lynn returning his smile as she released his hand and stood in front of the pair. Pam’s new doctor, Dr. Addison Lynn, had come highly recommended. Both by a rigorous internet search and surprisingly Jim’s mother, Betsy. 

It had been just last weekend when they had announced to their families that they were expecting. Taking Saturday to visit Pam’s parents and Sunday to visit his. Despite them not being married yet and currently planning a wedding, both sets of grandparents were over the moon about the news. Pam’s Mom had already been looking at places in Scranton to potentially move, now that she was a single woman; but after hearing the news of her impending first grandchild, Helene had started the moving process at a break-neck speed. Already viewing two homes for rent just down the street from them. 

Jim tried to repress the shudder at having his mother-in-law living so close to them. Instead trying to focus on all the free childcare she had promised them if she lived near by instead.

His parents had been more of the same. Both ecstatic that their baby boy would soon have his own baby. A fact that brought his mother to tears no less than six times over a course of an hour. After the tears had dried and dessert was served, Betsy had shifted her focus from emotional to practical, telling them all about which hospital to use and which doctors her friends children had used. The top one on her list being Dr. Lynn. Which they had taken as a sign, since they had set up an appointment with her just a week prior.

“Well it’s a pleasure to meet you, and congratulations.” 

“Thank you.” They said simultaneously. Twin grins plastered on their faces.

Dr. Lynn shared another smile with them before turning toward the rolling stool and computer in the far corner of the room. “So how have you been feeling?” She asked while her fingers plucked at the keyboard. 

Pam cleared her throat and shifted slightly, “nauseous. I’m not quite sure why they call it morning sickness, since it happens all day long.” Dr. Lynn nodded in sympathy. 

“Unfortunately, it is poorly named because that is completely normal but it should start to taper off around the second trimester. Which is when you should start to get back some of your energy as well.” The doctor shot Pam a knowing look, “I’m sure you’ve experienced that fun little symptom as well.” Jim fought off a grin as he thought about how he had learned about Pam lack of energy. 

It had been a few days ago when during a lazy evening of love making that Jim had learned the extent of Pam’s pregnancy exhaustion. They had just got done stripping themselves bare. When Jim flashed Pam a coy look and dove under the covers towards her lower half. Pam had always been extremely responsive during oral sex, twitching, pulling his hair, vocally telling him how and where she wanted his mouth and this time was no different. At the beginning. 

Jim had just gotten done playing lazily with her clit, when he started to feel the grip on his hair ease. Not deterred, he moved lower, teasing her entrance with his tongue, something he knew drove her wild. Only this time he was met by silence. Complete and utter silence. Her grip on his hair hand also completely vanished.

After a few more tentative dips of his tongue, Jim heard a soft sigh unlike anything he had ever heard Pam make during their intimate time. Curious, Jim left his spot in her neither regions and moved up her body and out of his comforter cocoon. What he found both shocked him and delighted him. 

There sprawled naked before him was his adorable fiancé. Eyes closed, soft snores coming from her mouth, completely asleep.

As if she could read his mind, Pam’s eyes met his own, a blush spreading across her face. 

Pam cleared her throat and nodded in agreement to the doctors assumption, “yeah I have been a bit more tired than usual.” Jim lost his fight with his grin.

“So let’s take a look here,” Dr. Lynn said, effectively steering the conversation back to the pregnancy at hand. Clicking on the computer Dr. Lynn, read thoughtfully from the screen.

“Last missed period looks to be about seven weeks ago. Weight and blood pressure look great.” Jim nodded methodically along with the doctor. Giving her his rapt attention. This was what he was here for, not only to see his child for the first time but also to here any and all information the doctor had to provide about this pregnancy. His brothers had told him that after this appointment only the twenty week ultrasound where they find out the sex is worth going to. But Jim disagreed. Profusely.

He planned on being present at every appointment. Not just the exciting ones with ultrasounds. But the “boring” ones his brothers had warned him about, consisting just of weight, blood pressure checks and listening to the heartbeat. Because if there was one thing he could and would always do with Pam, was be present and there. Which considering Pam’s history with obscenely absent partners, Jim felt it was better to be overly there than not enough. 

“Family history looks great…” Dr. Lynn’s voice tapered off as she clicked down the screen, eyes scanning Pam’s pertinent medical information. “Now I see you’ve had one other pregnancy in 2006 that ended in a spontaneous miscarriage. Unfortunately, miscarriages during the first trimester are quite common but they tend to hold no bearing on the success of later pregnancies. But it’s still something we should note, should any problems arise.” She told them matter of factly. Not realizing the metaphorical bomb she had just dropped on the couple behind her. Mainly the unsuspecting father to be.

Jim felt like all the oxygen had been sucked from the room as Dr. Lynn continued reading from the computer. A flush of cold flooded his veins as he tried to comprehend what the doctor had told him. 

Pam had been pregnant. With a baby. And then had a miscarriage.

And, she didn’t tell me... Jim thought shaken to the core. 

Jim turned wide hazel eyes toward Pam and he could tell she too was reeling from the shared information just as much as he was. Her already pale skin had whitened further and her hands that once laid carelessly beside her, now sat tangled angrily in her lap. 

Time seemed to flow differently for Jim than the other occupants in the room as he came to grips with the agonizing realization that his whole world had just turned upside down. What once was a world full of blissful happiness now laid waste to lies of epic proportions. Destroying everything good and wonderful and covering its remnants in blackened ash.

It was only when he saw Pam beginning to lay back on the exam table, her legs falling open and being placed in cold metal stirrups, the ones he had been making fun of just an hour prior, did he come back to the present.

Heart racing and palm practically bleeding with sweat, Jim turned his body mechanically towards the table and subsequently Pam, the doctor and the ultrasound machine. He had thought of this moment a thousand times over since they had found out about the pregnancy. Dreaming of the second when he would see their child for the first time, small and misshapen as they tended to be early on, heart beat fluttering like a hummingbird and absolutely perfect.

But never could he have dreamed this defining moment could be overshadowed by anything. Especially not this.

Determined not to let this earth shattering revelation ruin any more of right now, Jim took a deep painful breath, mentally and physically and pushed his focus onto the small black and white screen. Waiting for a glimpse of his future. 

.o.o.o.o.o.o.

They walked out of the doctors office in silence. Both carrying precious grainy images of their future son or daughter the entire way to the car. Jim had to of glanced at the sonogram at least a dozen or more times during the five minute walk. The tiny somewhat humanoid shape drawing his attention more than anything he had ever laid his eyes on. Even it’s own Mother. 

Always the gentleman, Jim opened the car door for Pam, who other than a few choked sobs when they first saw their baby and a quick ‘thank you’ and ‘goodbye’ to Dr. Lynn, had still not said a word to him or even acknowledged his presence. It’s like she had completely shut him out once the news of her previous failed pregnancy had come to light. A fact that only seemed to frustrate Jim even further. 

Jim climbed in the car, keys in hand, but didn’t bother to put them in the ignition. There was no way he could drive right now, not until some actually words were spoken between he and his fiancé. Taking a breath he jumped right in. 

“Were you ever going to tell me?” His voice sounded much smaller than normal. 

“No.” Pam countered quickly and contritely. The simple answer shook whatever resolve he had left. Leaving his simmering anger to flourish unchecked. 

Sonogram firmly in his grasp, Jim turned dumbfounded in Pam’s direction. “Pam, you were…and you weren’t ever going to tell me?!” Not one for yelling in general, and never at Pam, Jim almost didn’t recognize the his own voice as it reached the loud octave. Which was only amplified by his cars small interior.

Unshaken, Pam finally turned and met Jim’s gaze. Her eyes were watery but other that her face gave away no emotions. “No.” 

That finally broke him. 

His throat felt like it was in a vice and he could have sworn fire was pumping threw his veins as he launched. “Pam?! H-How could not tell me this? You were pregnant, with a baby, Pam! Roy’s baby!” Jim practically spit the last part. The words ‘Roy’s baby’ tasting like acid in his mouth. 

Pam ending up accidentally pregnant with Roy’s child had been a silent nightmare that he carried for years. While he had given up hope, up until the booze cruise, that Roy was actually going to commit to Pam and marry her, he had always feared that he would come in one day, Pam beaming as she shared the news with him. She was pregnant. A little accidental miracle that would destroy all the hopes and dreams he had for a future for him and Pam.

A baby was not something he could hold out hope would end, like a failed engagement. No, a baby would forever link Pam to Roy and no doubt force Roy to finally commit. Which at that moment in time Pam would have been all to happy to accept. Thus shattering his heart for a final spectacular time.

And now Jim knows just how hauntingly close he had come to this all being reality. How close he had come to truly loosing her. 

Pam took a choking breath before finally answering him. “Because I didn’t want you to know!” Pam façade finally broke, tears pouring down her face. “Ever!” She tuned her gaze momentarily to the semi crumpled image in her hand. Straightening it out as she spoke the next part in a whispered hush. “You were gone by then anyways.”

Jim’s thoughts came to screeching halt as he processed the last part. 

You were gone by then anyways.

Thick eyebrows furrowed, “w-wait, when exactly did…did this happen?” 

Pam palmed her cheek, clearing the tear tracks that covered it, “J-June 23rd.”

June 23rd... His eyes began to widen in realization.

“So a-after you called off…did you know then?” He felt his breath tense as he awaited her answer. 

Pam shook her head, her auburn curls bouncing limply around her still pale face. “No, I uh found two weeks later, June 20th and then, i-it was gone three days later.” Jim felt his anger at her lie fade as the whole picture began to come into view. But there was still one vital piece of information he still needed to know.

“Did, Roy…did he know?” A small shake of her head was his answer. “Why didn’t you tell him?”

Pam let out a shaky breath the extreme emotional rollercoaster of the day showing painfully in her face. “I was just able to breath again when I found out.” A sardonic chuckle so unlike Pam filled the car’s interior. “It…the-the pregnancy, um it wouldn’t–wasn’t going to change my decision to call off the wedding…but the idea of irreversibly being tied to Roy, forever…I just needed some time before I told him. Ya know?” 

Jim knew what was coming next, knew what she was about to tell him. So in a show of support, pretty much the first one since he found out about the previous pregnancy, Jim reached across the center console and grabbed Pam’s left hand. Weaving his fingers between the clenched digits until they relaxed and tentatively gripped him back. 

“I, uh, I woke up early on the 23rd in so, so much pain.” A tear trickled down Pam’s cheek as her voice began to wobble, “I called Penny, she knew about…the pregnancy,” Pam chanced a look at him, her green eyes shinning impossibly bright due to the tears. Jim wanted desperately to reach across and brush away her tears, take away the pain she was having to relive; but he knew he couldn’t. Just like in an emergency on an airplane, before you’re supposed to save anyone else you had to save yourself. And that’s what Jim had to do. He needed to get his answers, hear the truth, to soothe his anger and hurt over her lies before he could even try to heal her past pain. 

“A-anyways, she rushed me to the hospital…and that’s when they told me. It was gone.” Another tear fell, “I-I wasn’t pregnant anymore.” 

They sat in silence, Pam gripping Jim’s hand like a life line. He waited another agonizing moment of silence for Pam to continue before he realized that like so many aspects in their life, she need Jim to help her. Help her speak up, push her share her truth, so they can both live again.

“Why didn’t you tell me, Pam?” Push. 

Pam’s head dropped, eyes out of sight, “f-for three days I wished for nothing more than to not be pregnant. To not be tied for the rest of my life to Roy. To-to not lose you completely when you found out.” A single sob ripped from Pam’s throat but she pushed through. Desperate to get this out. 

“A-and th-then I started b-bleeding and–and…God, I-I did that, it was all my fault!” Jim acted fast, gathering Pam into his arms, while his heart broke as retching like sobs ripped from Pam’s throat. He had the truth, he had his answers it was time to set things right now. 

“Hey, hey, hey,” he soothed from his awkward position, stretched across the center console, “that was not your fault Pam. Didn’t you hear the doctor earlier, they’re unfortunately really common and there was nothing you could do about it. Nothing.” Jim squeezed her sagging shoulders in emphasis. Her sobs started to slow. He hoped it was because she was taking his words to heart, since the last thing she needed right now was to be so stressed while pregnant. 

“And hey, look at me,” Jim pulled away some to catch her eyes. Once he caught the familiar shade of green, that never failed to send a flood of sheer joy to his soul, he started speaking again. “You could never–and will never lose me. Got it?” 

Pam sniffed loudly and bit her lip, “e-even if I had been pregnant when you came back from Stamford?” She questioned. Her eyes no longer filling with tears but instead filled with temped hope.

Jim cocked a half grin and shook his head in disbelief. “Even if I had walked into the office that morning and you had given birth to a baby right then and there.” The pair let out a small laugh and Jim had restrain himself from poking anymore fun at her doubts in him. It was a difficult time for the both of them so he could understand, somewhat, why those unfounded fears still lingered. Which is all the more reason why he had to put them to bed, once and for all.

“Pam I loved you before I left, while I was gone and after I came back. Nothing could have changed that.” Jim paused trying to formulate the words in his mind because what he said next he needed to make sure she understood completely. 

“If I had come back from Stamford and you were pregnant with Roy’s baby, well, things would have been complicated but my feelings for you would not have just disappeared into thin air.” Pam cocked an eyebrow in confusion. “Seriously, they wouldn’t have!” Pam gave him another unconvinced look that brought a smile to his face and then hers.

Pulling back slightly in the cramped interior of his car, Jim kept his eyes locked on Pam, as a wave of tenderness flushed Jim’s veins as thought of the possible scenario. Raising Pam and Roy’s baby with her. A reality, up until today, he had no idea how closely he had come to living. And he knows with out a shadow of a doubt his feelings on the matter. 

“Pam, I would have supported and loved you. Both of you.” A smile bloomed on his face, “Because you’re you…and that baby was part you.” Tears that had been dangerously flirting along the edges of Pam’s lower lids, now flowed freely and her eyebrows furrowed in that adorable way that Jim loved. 

Not wasting another moment, Jim dipped down, pressing a kiss to her mouth. Unlike the teasing playful kisses they had exchanged before this whole emotionally exhausting fiasco of an appointment had begun, this kiss was full of forgiveness, acceptance with heavy doses of blissful hope. 

They finally pulled away breathless, tears in both their eyes now. “I love you.” Pam told him, her lips quivering in emotions. “And I’m sorry, for not telling you. Y-you should have known.” Jim kissed her again. Leaving no doubt about his feelings and whether any hurt at all still lingered in him.

Once they pulled away again, Jim felt renewed, like he was back on stable ground. Where he and Pam were engaged, she was carrying their child and they were deliriously happy about it. But now there was something deeper, a new connection that had been forged between them. And while it may have grown from pain and hidden truths, Jim had no doubt in the end it would only make them stronger as a couple. As lovers. As parents. 

“So I was thinking,” Jim shifted back to his seat, releasing all but Pam’s hand once he was situated. “You should paint a mural in the nursery.” Pam squeezed his hand and grinned. 

“Oh yeah? Have any ideas what it should be of?” 

Jim made a grand sweeping motion in front of them, “picture this, rolling beet fields as far as the eye can see –” a sharp jab to his side cut Jim’s words off, followed by a playful glare that Pam was barely able to keep up.

“Alright, alight so no beet theme,” Jim buckled his seat belt quickly and put the car into motion, “how do you feel about an irrigation theme?” Another quick jab.

They would be okay.