“You’re really gonna marry him?”
Please say no, please say no, please say no, please....
Jim’s thoughts came to a screeching halt as Pam nodded her head. That was it, final word. He’d finally done it, gone all in to keep the theme of the evening going. For a few glorious moments he’d had her in his arms. His lips on hers. His arms around her waist with her hands in his hair. For a few glorious moments, everything finally made sense. Then she’d done what she’d always done, deflected, turned away, shut down. She knew damn well neither of them was drunk. Now though, there were no more chances, no more hiding, no more pretending.
“Okay,” the word ghosted out of Jim’s mouth as his head fell.
Slowly he let his hands slip from hers and turned away. Earlier in the night a host of emotions had gone played through his chest. Playfulness, fear, anxiety, an all to short burst of triumph. Now there was nothing. Not even a dull ache. Walking out of the office barely registered. He turned down the hallway past Vance Refrigeration. The hallway seemed to drift in and out of focus as he walked towards the door that led back down to the Warehouse.
What the...? Why’s everything so blurry? Reaching up to his eyes, he felt the sharp sting of tears. Oh, that’s why. Shape up Halpert. Just keep moving. Moving away, from here, from her.
Jim rubbed the tears out of his eyes and opened the door. Casino Night was still going strong. From the platform at the top of the stairs, Jim looked over the crowd. Kevin was still dealing Texas-Hold ‘Em. Michal was yelling to let it ride at the Craps table with Carol at his side. Dwight appeared to be scolding on of the Vance guys at the Roulette table. Jim caught sight of another blond woman power walking her way through the roll up door.
Descending the stairs quickly, Jim jogged through the others to catch her.
“Jan?” he called out as he walked back outside.
“Jim?” Jan stepped out from behind a bush. She was holding a cigarette behind her back. “Something wrong?”
“No, nothing like that,” Jim lied. His hands disappeared into his pockets. “I, um, just wanted to let you know, that I uh, I thought it over. I’ll take that job in Stamford.”
“That’s great Jim,” Jan tried to sound pleased. “They’ll be lucky to have you.”
“Yeah,” Jim croaked out. His voice was getting tight.
“Well, I’ll get all the paperwork going as soon as I get back to the office on Monday.” Jan took the cigarette from behind her back and took a long drag.
“When do you need me to start?” Jim forced out.
Jan raised her eyebrows for an instant as she mentally reviewed the details. “Oh! Good question. I know you put in for some personal time. There’s really no rush.”
Jim swallowed hard. “I’d like to get started right away.”
“I appreciate that.” Jan took a closer look at him. “Hey, are you alright?”
“Fine!” Jim answered a little too quickly.
“You don’t look fine.” Jan furrowed her eyes a bit at the younger man. “Tell you what. Go ahead and take that personal time anyway. If you need to take a week or so to find an apartment in Stamford I’m sure we can work something out with Josh. We’ll get you going in about a month. How does June 12 sound?”
The Monday after.... Jim almost thought her name, but stopped his train of thoughts. Instead he nodded. “That should work fine.”
“Alright, well if I need anything, I’ll let you know,” Jan finished her cigarette and crushed it beneath her heel.
“Yeah, thanks,” Jim turned away from her and gestured over his shoulder with his thumb. “I’m just going to go pack up my desk.”
“Now?” Jan looked back inside. “Don’t you want to wait for Monday?”
“And face one of Michael’s going away parties?” Jim forced his mouth into a smile he didn’t feel. “No thanks. I’ll just for the old Irish exit. Less stress that way for everyone.”
Jan shrugged while digging out another cigarette. “If you say so.”
Jim walked back into the Warehouse. Ducking behind some of the gambling tables, he found an empty cardboard box. He didn’t make eye-contact with any of his co-workers.
Ex-co-workers, he thought ruefully. Talking to Jan was hard enough. I don’t need or want any of their interference.
He retraced his steps back up the metal stairs. The hallway wasn’t blurry this time. It did however seem to stretch on forever. He was just about to turn the corner by the elevator when he heard the doors to Dunder-Miffin open. The sound caused him to freeze for an instant before he flung himself against the wall. Around the corner he heard the door close and a new sound echoed through the empty corridor. Heavy breathing along with the more than occasional sniff.
Jim was rooted to his spot. She made her choice, live with it, move on. She made her choice, live with it, move on. She made her choice, life with it, move on. She made her choice, life with it, move on.
Over and over he repeated the words to himself. At last he heard the doors of the elevator open and close and silence reigned once more. Cautiously he peaked around the corner. The hall was empty. Cursing himself for a coward Jim walked back into the office.
Just one last time. Just keep moving. Don't think, just move.
Setting the box on the desk, he reached for the first set of sticky notes on his monitor. Notes written in a curly feminine handwriting. A shuddering sob escaped from his chest when unbidden, the memory of their kiss snuck up on him. Bringing his hand back he turned away from the desk. Shaking his head, he left the desk and headed for the kitchen.
Again, thoughts started repeating in his mind. Too much, too much, too much, too much, too...
His hand stilled. There in the open cabinet his usual coffee mug rested. Next to it, also still in its usual place, as if taunting him, was a teal teapot. The first shard of ice stabbing his heart broke through the numbness it had been feeling. It was as if he could feel the piecing needle of cold strike deep and start to freeze everything inside him.
Jim grabbed his mug and slammed the cabinet door closed. Tears started to form in his eyes again as he looked around. He couldn’t help it. Everywhere he looked the ghost of memories with her played before his eyes. The break room where they’d planned so many pranks. The table in the kitchen where they’d eaten so many meals together. The conference room where she’d rested her head on his shoulder. The desk where they’d kis...
“NOO!!” Jim’s shout echoed through the empty kitchen as his hands came to his head. “No! No! No! No! No!”
He found his breathing grow fast and rapid. His heart somehow managed to race at double speed despite being stabbed through with an icicle. The walls themselves seemed to be laughing at him. Grabbing the mug, he all but ran back to the desk and started throwing things in the box with no rhyme or reason.
The top of the desk was the first to be swept clear of anything not belonging to Dunder-Mifflin. Pictures, post-it notes, rubber bands, pens, it all ended up in a heap inside the box. Knowing full well the trove of mementos he kept in his desk drawer, he willed himself not to look. Just grab and toss. It was only when he reached in for the final sweep that his hands came into contact with something new, something fuzzy.
Jim pulled out the heart-cell toy she had given him. He clicked the button inside, even knowing no sound would come out. It hadn’t been working for weeks now. Wiping tears and snot from his face, Jim looked up at the Reception desk for the first time. He could see the image of himself leaning over the counter. Fingers nimbly pulling out jelly beans, while she smiled up at him. He glanced between the toy and the desk a few times. Looking back down into the box filled with his things, he dug out the RSVP card she’d given him.
He took the card and toy with him to her desk. Seeing the picture of her smiling with him drove the ice just that much further into his chest. After he marked the card, he pulled a sticky note from the cube by her keyboard.
Pam,
This will always be yours.
Jim
Putting the piece of yellow paper on the toy, he set both down on the keyboard. His breathing started to pick up again. He left her desk to grab his box. Without a backwards glance, Jim left Dunder-Mifflin.
