On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me a partridge in a pear tree

“Beesly, you didn’t tell me that breaking and entering was one of your favorite Christmas Eve traditions.” Jim raised an eyebrow at her as she pulled on his arm and dragged him around a dark building and down an even darker dirt path. “What do you have planned for New Year’s, petty larceny?”

“You know me,” she murmured, running her gloved hand along a wooden privacy fence. “If we aren’t breaking any laws, we aren’t having any fun—a-ha!” She grinned triumphantly as she reached a loose plank in the fence. “I knew it was right here.” She pushed gently and the board gave way, leaving a narrow space for them to fit through. “After you,” she said, gesturing broadly ahead of them.

“Yeah no.” Jim shook his head. “Pam, where are we? You told your parents you were taking me to see a neighborhood full of Christmas lights.”

“I know what I said and I’m trying to show you where we are.” She waited a few seconds but he refused to move. “Okay fine, I’ll go first.” She stepped through to the other side of the fence and looked at him expectantly. “Jim, come on, we’ve got like an hour before we have to get to Midnight Mass and I promised mom we wouldn’t be late.” 

“That’s the other thing. Aren’t you Presbyterian?” After a slight hesitation, Jim followed her through the fence.

“Yeah, but Meemaw is Catholic and this is the one thing she insists on every Christmas. Hey.” She stopped walking and turned to face him, linking her hand with his. “You’re a big hit with her; you know that, right?” 

“I really thought she was going to ask for my last three months of bank statements at dinner.”

“I think she would have if Dad hadn’t dropped that bowl of potatoes just then.” Pam tugged him closer and stood on her toes to kiss him. “But yeah, I think she likes you. You made quite the impression on all the Beesly women today.”

“That’s great but you know I’m only interested in what one of them thinks.”

“You’re sweet.”

“I know.” He pulled back and frowned, giving her his best ‘I’m serious’ face. “But do you think Penny thinks so too?”

“Stop it.” She rolled her eyes and started to walk away from him.

“I mean it.” Jim jogged after her. “Pam, if Penny doesn’t love me, then I’m just not sure I can go on with this.”

“I’m going to leave you here,” she called over her shoulder. “Good luck finding your way home.”

It didn’t take long for him to catch up to her. “Oh, should I be more concerned with what you think? Is that what you’re saying?” He kissed her before she could answer; his mouth warm and solid against hers. “I already know how you feel about me.”

“Uh huh.” She let him kiss her a little longer. “Anyways. As I was saying. You killed it today. Congratulations on surviving your first Beesly Christmas Eve celebration.”

“Aw, thanks Babe.” He gave her a quick peck on the lips. “Is this my reward? You’ve brought me to…” He frowned again. “I still don’t know where we are.”

“And now I’m disappointed in you.” She gestured wildly around them, alerting him to the rows and rows of pine trees surrounding them. “Have you never been to a Christmas tree farm?”

“I… I mean, I have. Just not when it’s closed and dark. Why are we here when it’s closed and dark? We already have a tree. Between us, we have three trees. You decorated them all.”

“What can I say?” Pam shrugged. “I love a good Christmas tree.” She spun around in a circle, arms spread wide, and grinned up at him. “And this is one of my favorite places in the world, and I wanted to share it with you.”

“Again, when it’s dark and closed?”

“Listen, we can go back to my parents’ house if you want. Meemaw probably still has a few questions about your 401k.” She smiled smugly at the fake look of horror he gave her. “That’s what I thought.” 

“Okay fine.” But he was smiling as he grabbed her hand again and squeezed it. “Show me your tree farm.”

“Thank you.”

“Can I ask questions along the way?”

“Like what?”

“For starters, how did you know how to break into here?”

“Oh.” She laughed. “I graduated with Paul Partridge, his parents own this place. It was our big party spot in high school.”

“The Partridge family owns this place?”

Pam nodded again. “Pete and Perry. And their sons Pete Jr. and Paul.”

“Did you date one of the boys? How close were you to becoming Pam Partridge?”

She laughed, shoving him sideways. “God no. Paul was like, Roy’s best friend, so you can imagine the level of idiocy.”

“Wait, go back.”

“Hmm? To what?”

“His wife’s name is Perry? You’re fucking with me, right?”

“Why would I possibly lie about that?”

“Because otherwise you’re telling me that every time they had another kid, someone probably made the joke to them that there was another Partridge in Perry’s tree.” Jim shook his head. “And I just can’t believe that’s true.”

“But it is.” Pam nodded. “And what else could they do in life but open a Christmas tree farm? Some destinies are written in the stars, Jim, and they had no choice but to accept their fates.” She giggled to herself. “Partridge in Perry’s tree. Good one, Babe.” She pecked his cheek and then led him down one of the paths through the trees.

“Wait, one more question. How did you know you’d still be able to break into here after all these years?”

She shrugged. “Isabel and I snuck in this past summer after our class reunion just to see if we still could.”

“Is committing felonies a kink of yours I didn’t know about? Because if so, you and I are going to need to talk about that.”

“No, not felonies,” she promised. She watched as he wandered the path a few paces ahead of her and couldn’t help but think of one of the few kinks she did have.

It was completely Jim’s fault too.

He’d heard about it at the gym one day, a bunch of his basketball buddies had made a pact that none of them would shave for the entire month of November.

As it turned out, not only could Jim grow a beard, Jim could grow a great beard. Like, really great. Panty-soaking great, in fact.

And so when No-Shave November ended, a Good Dicking December began. She couldn’t help it; while she found a clean-shaven Jim sexy no matter what, a full-bearded Jim was downright irresistible and she saw no logical reason to even try. She’d spent the last twenty-three days having her way with him wherever and however she could, demanding new and different ways to have that beard brushed against or pressed into her skin. She couldn’t seem to get enough.

Not that he was complaining about it.

Jim didn’t even look at her as his index finger and thumb stroked his jawline knowingly. “You’re staring, Beesly.”

“Mmhmm.” Again, she saw no reason to lie. She was staring at him. He was the perfect picture of Christmas Boyfriend, in his dress pants and cozy sweater. And while she thought the beard was already great, the beard framed by a dark leather jacket and that smirk he was currently giving her? It was downright sinful.

God she loved him.

“Come here.” She didn’t bother waiting for him to move. She covered the space between them in four quick steps and her arms were wrapping around his neck before he could even put one foot forward.

It was an unusually mild night for late December but if it had been cold, the way Jim kissed her back would have warmed thoroughly from the inside out, starting at the tips of her toes and reaching into her fingers. His own arms wrapped solidly around her back and held her in place as his tongue traced the outline of her lips.

“What are you thinking about?”

“You,” she murmured against him. “Except, in my mind you’ve traded the leather jacket for buffalo plaid and you’re holding one of those axes over there, getting ready to cut one of these trees down.”

A low laugh rumbled from his stomach into her ear as he pushed a strand of hair behind it, rubbing his chin against the side of her neck. “So Lumberjack Jim does it for you now?”

“Right this second he does.” She tilted her head back so he had more skin to work with and then slid her hands inside of his jacket and around his waist. “Do you want to swing that axe for me and see what happens?”

He laughed again, his teeth catching the edge of her ear. “We’re going to be late to church if you don’t start behaving.”

“I’ve been behaving all day,” she pouted. He gave her a placating kiss on the top of the head and she made a face at him. “Okay, okay.” She knew the chances of getting him to fuck her against one of the trees in the middle of an open lot had been next to zero, no matter that there wasn’t a single other person around within a square mile. She still had one other idea up her sleeve. “Come on, there’s one other place I want to show you here, and then we can leave.” She stood on her toes to kiss him again, moving her hands from his waist, deliberately letting her fingers slide down the length of him before she let go altogether. Then she picked up his hand again and pulled him down the path to the left.

It wasn’t long before they reached a small shed built up like a tiny log cabin that couldn’t possibly hold more than four people at a time inside. The door wasn’t locked and it swung open quickly and quietly to reveal Santa’s workshop, complete with a fireplace and a giant Santa chair. She closed the door behind them and flicked the light switch so the room was lit up by the glow of strands and strands of Christmas lights.

“Our parents brought us here to see Santa every year when we were little,” she said. She gestured for Jim to sit down on the red and green covered chair before perching herself on his knee. “Of course, by the time I was seven, I realized that Santa was actually Mr. Kowalski who owned the hardware shop in town but for all I knew, maybe Mr. Kowalski was Santa. I didn’t know his life outside of the store and he did have the beard.”

Jim drew back sharply. “If this is where you tell me your thing for beards started, we are going immediately to Walgreens for a razor.”

“No!” She laughed, reaching her fingers up to touch his chin. She still had her gloves on and they were starting to get in the way so she brought one hand up to her mouth, and tugged the wool from her hand with her teeth before copying the motions with her other hand. She used both thumbs to stroke at either side of his face. “Stop, I promise you this is the only beard that’s ever done things to me.”

“Things.” He shook his head. “It’s done a lot of things to you.”

“So many things.” She nodded her head in agreement before leaning in for another kiss. “Some of my favorite things.”

“Man, Beesly.” He chuckled softly as he shook his head again without breaking their kiss. “Sometimes you’re too easy to please.”

She shifted, moving deeper into his lap and tugging lightly at the soft hair on his face before running one of her thumbs over his lower lip before pressing her mouth back to his. “Prove it.”

There was a half second when she thought maybe he would deny her but then she turned to face him fully, settling her knees on either side of his left thigh to steady herself as she pushed the jacket from his shoulders and dropped it on the ground next to them. His hands settled at her waist, holding her firmly, but not pushing her away.

“We have to go to church,” he reminded her.

“Then we better stop wasting time,” she countered. “Where did this sudden bout of religiousness come from anyways?”

“I don’t want to give Meemaw a reason to be mad at us. And stop making me sound like a heathen.”

“Then start acting like one.” He didn’t fight her as she pulled his sweater up and over his head. Her fingers made quick and easy work of the buttons of his dress shirt. “Otherwise, I’m going to walk into that church with terribly unchristian-like ideas in my head and then you’ll need to explain to my parents and Meemaw why I burst into flames the second I stepped inside.” She pushed the white shirt off of his shoulders and her hands fell to his belt.

“That would be an awkward conversation to have around the Christmas tree,” Jim admitted as his own hands finally started moving over her legs.

“And since you worked so hard to get them all to love you today, you probably shouldn’t give them a reason to hate you.” Her voice turned breathless with each word as his hands slid under the skirt of her dress, gliding smoothly along her tights until the tips of his longest fingers brushed against her.

“I think your motives are a little suspect.”

“I think you should stop talking and help me take my tights off.” She rose up on both knees again and then moved her hands under her skirt to cover his, bringing them up to the waistband. “Please,” she added, hooking his thumbs under the flimsy fabric before bringing her hands back out to rest on his shoulders for balance.

It was a good thing too, because she had to hold on so she didn’t fall when he stood abruptly, still holding her at his waist, and swiftly set her down on the chair where he’d just been a second before. She watched as he unzipped her ankle boots and removed them one by one before running his hands back up the length of her legs to find the band of her tights again.

She leaned forward and kissed just below his ear, tugging him closer to her by the finally grown out hair at the nape of his neck. “Any other time Halpert, I’d tell you to rip those things off of me but we will never hear the end of it if I show up at mass with bare legs so please, please be gentle with those,” she whispered. She lifted her hips as he slid them, panties included, over her hips and down her ass.

He’d never taken so long to undress her. She supposed she’d asked for it and she’d meant it that he couldn’t rip her tights, but he was deliberately slow in his movements as he eased the fabric down her legs inch by torturous inch until she was finally free of them.

Pam tried to reach for him as his hands slide back up her calves but he shook his head to stop her. With a hand on each of her knees, he pushed her legs further apart and bent his head between them.

The scrape of his beard against her thigh was almost enough to make her come right there, especially when she remembered the delightfully filthy things he’d whispered in her ear that very morning after she’d followed him into the shower. She whimpered as he slid two fingers into her.

“Hmm, we can’t have you going to church all worked up like this, can we?”

“Better not risk it,” she agreed, grinding into his hand. “But I’d rather fuck you than your fingers, if you don’t mind.”  She pulled his hand from her and without breaking eye contact, sucked his two middle fingers into her mouth and slowly licked them clean.

He didn’t have a smart comeback as she stood up; undoing his belt and pushing his pants down as she turned and shoved him back down onto the chair. With one hand balanced on his shoulder, she grabbed his hardening cock in the other and worked it up and down, loving the way he shuddered as her thumb swiped across his tip. “I can’t wait to fuck you,” she whispered into his ear before taking the lobe between her teeth. “I’ve been thinking about it all day,” she confessed. “You were so great today and all it did was make me want you more than I already always do.”

“I never want you to stop wanting me.” The fabric of her dress bunched in Jim’s hands as he slid them up from her waist to cup the underside of her breasts. She arched into him as his thumbs circled her nipples.

“This is starting to sound like a cheesy 80s song,” she mumbled against him as she pushed her tongue into his mouth to tangle with his.

“We should probably stop talking then.” One of his hands dropped to her waist again.

“You’re right.” She moved her body until he was pressed up against her and without warning, dropped down fully onto him. They both swore into each other’s mouths and Jim’s nails scraped up and down her back as she got used to the feeling of him inside of her.

It didn’t matter how many times Pam did this. From this position and angle, the size of him constantly stole her breath away for a few blissful seconds. She planted her knees more solidly on the seat of the chair and tilted her hips, loving the strangled sound that came from the back of Jim’s throat as she pushed herself forward into his lap. “Good?” she breathed into his ear. She waited until he nodded before she slowly moved up and down his cock a few times. “Fuck, you feel so good.” She rotated her hips in smaller, tiny circles, and then wider, quicker ones that made Jim’s eyes roll back into his head. Her fingernails bit into his shoulders as she gradually moved faster, rising and falling; taking him in as deeply as she could when he begged her to fuck him harder.

His hands were on her hips, guiding her when her muscles threatened to give out. “Keep going.” His voice was low and rough in her ear and she shivered as his beard brushed against her neck again. “You’re so wet, Baby. I can feel how much you want to come. Are you going to come for me?” He covered one of her hands with his and brought them both down between them. “I want to feel you all over me.” Both his finger and hers circled against her clit as he leaned in and kissed her again, sloppily and hurriedly. “You know how hard it makes me come when I feel you explode all over me.” He brought her down hard onto his dick and held her there, grinding up into her.

She was so close. She barely noticed when his hand left her, and she worked at her clit furiously, snapping her hips against him, trying to chase the high she’d been craving since early that morning. A sigh that sounded more like a sob escaped her lips as she tilted her hips again, searching for the right amount of pressure and friction that would be enough to send her over the edge. She was shaking, both of her knees digging into his thighs as she rode him as hard and as desperately as she could.

With a grunt, Jim stood and bent her over the armrest of the Santa chair. He used one foot to spread her legs wide and was entering her from behind before she even fully understood what was going on.

“Harder,” she begged. She turned to watch him over her shoulder. “Don’t stop Jim, I’m so close, baby. Please. Keep fucking me.” Her eyes closed as he lifted her hips even higher and drove relentlessly into her. Each thrust hit her exactly right and it wasn’t long at all before her pleas stopped being actual words and turned into whimpered gasps and whines. “Oh God. Jim. Yes.” She chanted his name, mingled with a few oh fucks, and one drawn out I’m fucking coming as he finally brought her to a mind shattering release.

It didn’t take Jim long after that. She felt drive into her again, hard, and then again, and then he was shouting with her. His hand fisted into the hair falling over her shoulder as he spilled into her and she told him how incredible it all felt.

His breath was cool on the back of her neck as he pressed a shaky kiss to the spot between her shoulder blades before pulling her spent body up from the arm rest and into his lap as he settled them back into the chair. She turned her head into his chest, her fingers clutched limply at him as she tried to catch her breath.

Jim was the first to recover. The shaking of his body under hers as he laughed silently caused her to lift her head to peer up at his face. “What?” she asked curiously.

“It’s just… sitting in this chair right now, I feel like I need to ask if you’ve been a good or bad girl and what you want for Christmas.” He pressed his lips to her forehead. “And I don’t know if that’s creepy or not.”

Pam giggled contentedly. “Oh I think you gave me what I wanted, all right.” They were both laughing then and she raised herself up enough to kiss him fully on the lips. “I love you.”

“I love you too.” And then he showed her his watch and she’d never jumped off of his lap so quickly, but they only had eight minutes to get to church.

They dressed hurriedly, the silence of the room punctuated by the occasional hushed giggle as he tickled her behind the knee after helping her get her tights back on, or when she ran her hands again over his chin and told him he should never shave again.

She stopped him before they made it back to the broken fence and turned once more to look at the tree lot, smiling wistfully.

“You know, my parents have gotten their tree here for as long as I can remember. We’d come on the first Saturday of December and see Santa, and drink hot chocolate, and then Penny and I would get to pick the tree we wanted, and dad would cut it down himself. It was always one of my favorite days of the year.”

“It sounds like a good one.” He wrapped his arms around her from behind. “Why didn’t we come here for a tree then?”

Pam shrugged. “Four hours of driving in one day for a tree didn’t seem like a good use of our time,” she said softly. She leaned back against him. “Maybe next year?”

“Definitely next year.”

They were two minutes late to church. And as if that wasn’t enough for both Helene and Meemaw to glare at them disappointedly as they slid into the pew next to them, Pam’s shoulders were shaking with laughter because as they were walking up the aisle, Jim had leaned in and whispered in her ear how surprised he was that the place hadn’t burst into flames when they walked in. Pam managed to compose herself before the processional started but it was too late; Meemaw’s mouth was turned down in a deep frown and her right hand was clenched so tightly around her rosary that Pam was afraid the beads didn’t break.

She’d barely settled into the seat next to Penny before her younger sister’s pinky finger reached out and tapped lightly against her knee. She was staring straight ahead, but the corners of her mouth twitched, threatening to betray her. Pam looked down and bit her lower lip as hard as she could before she started laughing again.

For as careful as they’d been, there was the tiniest snag in her tights, running about an inch and half over her upper thigh, ending in a small hole with not one, but two pine needles stuck in the fabric. Jim saw what she was looking at and coughed, trying to cover up the bark of laughter erupting from his chest.

Pam grabbed his hand and settled it in her lap, hiding the evidence of their evening activities from the rest of her family. His fingers were warm as they curled over hers and as she tucked herself into his side and waited for mass to begin, she decided that it had all been worth it, even if they had committed a small crime and Meemaw was never going to forget that they were late to church.

Yes, it was all totally worth it. And besides, there were still Christmas tree lots in hell. Probably.