Revenge

Chapter 1

As Andy finished his pig-Latin rendition of the Kermit the Frog classic, Pam tried hard to maintain the polite smile on her face. Andy was so absurd it took everything in her not to laugh, but on the other hand, he was so earnest and sincere that she wouldn’t for the world have embarrassed him. God, Jim was brilliant. His pranking abilities had obviously not suffered from his time in Stamford.

Today had been the best day she’d had in months, and it had started the moment she’d realized Jim was messing with her. It was almost as if the old Jim had finally returned, even though they hadn’t spoken all day, or really at all. He’d been thinking of her, teasing her, making plans that included her, albeit indirectly, and that was enough to make Pam feel almost giddy with happiness, gratitude, and yes, even hope. Their shared look when he’d clued her in on the joke was so reminiscent of old times that she’d felt like crying and laughing at the same time.  She’d missed him so much. Missed them.

As she sat on the Reception area couch facing her serenading suitor, it occurred to her that there was only one way to keep this good feeling going between Jim and her, to attempt to chip away at the awkwardness that had hung between them since the day he’d returned: revenge.

Having finished his song to what appeared to be a welcoming audience, Andy dove right in, speaking in the ancient language of love.

“Am-pay, ill-way, ou-yay, o-gay—”

“In English, please,” she insisted softly.

“Will you go out with me?”

And with a glance at Jim’s back, she heard herself say: “Absolutely I will.” Out of the corner of her eye, she saw his shoulders stiffen in surprise.

“Oh, wow! Really?” Andy was saying. “I mean, I totally wasn’t expecting that. I mean, I had hoped, obviously. But wow. Are you sure?”

Pam did laugh then, but it was with genuine amusement at Andy’s self-deprecating charm. “Of course. Let’s go get a drink.”

“Seriously? On a school night?”

“Why not?” she said. “Let’s do it.”

“Well, all righty then! Let me put my baby back in her case and we’ll blow this pop stand.”

As Andy walked past Jim’s desk, he swiveled slowly around to look at her, his eyes wide with shock.  Trying valiantly not to laugh for the second time in ten minutes, she met his gaze with the same polite grin she’d given Andy, and shrugged at him nonchalantly. He narrowed his eyes as if looking for her tell, but he said nothing. Their moment was cut short by Jim’s cell phone, and he answered it after the third ring.

“Hey. Yeah, I’ll meet you at my place. I just finished up.”  He laughed at what the other person had said, made an inside joke of some kind, and shut his flip phone. Karen, of course.  By that time, her date had returned carrying his banjo case, and she rose to meet him.

“Jim,” she said, “would you mind turning out the lights and locking the door as you leave? I’d really appreciate it.”

“No problem,” he said neutrally. “Have a good evening, Beesly.”

“Yeah, you too.”

Andy turned to Jim with a huge grin, lowering his voice conspiratorially. “Hey, Tuna. I owe you one, man.  Have fun with the old ball and chain.  Pam and I are going out on the town!”

Pam’s eyes lingered on Jim, who was slowly packing up his messenger bag and turning off his computer for the day. She couldn’t see his face. She felt a moment of hesitation, but she’d already committed to the prank, so, under Jim Halpert’s Rules of Pranking, she had no choice but to see it through.

Andy drove Pam to Poor Richard’s, and they’d just ordered their beers when Pam turned to her date, ready now to enact Stage Two of her plan.  This part would take some finessing, and some good old-fashioned honesty.

“I’m so happy you agreed to come out with me,” said Andy over the 80’s rock coming from the jukebox. “I haven’t worked that hard for a date in a long time.”

Pam smiled. “Well, you certainly pulled out all the stops. Very impressive.  No red-blooded woman could have resisted. But I have to tell you something, Andy, and I hope it doesn’t hurt your feelings.” She paused, letting her serious tone sink in.

She hated to see his crestfallen expression, his sudden comprehension that things were not as they seemed. But she was about to make him a wonderful offer that might mitigate his disappointment a little.

“Jim’s been messing with both of us all day.  I assume he was giving you advice about how to get me to go out with you.”

“Uh…yeah. How’d you know?”

“Like I said, he was messing with us. Jim is the King of Pranks. He loves to play jokes on people for his own personal amusement. I’m surprised you didn’t see that side of him back in Stamford.”

His brow furrowed. “Not that I remember. I mean, Big Tuna’s always been a cool dude. Maybe a little goofy, and not a particularly snazzy dresser, but a serial prankster? I totally didn’t see that.”

This genuinely surprised Pam. “No one had any of their desk supplies mysteriously encased in Jell-0?”

Andy’s eyes flew to hers. “That was him? That rat bastard cost me an eighty-dollar calculator! I wondered who the hell had done that. He never even had the cajones to confess.”

Pam chuckled. “That’s Jim, all right. But look, he never tries to be mean or hurtful. He’s just having fun.”

“At other people’s expense.” Andy seemed angry now, disproportionately so. She hastened to settle him down.

“Well, that’s kind of the purpose of a prank. But don’t get mad at him; help me to get even.”

Andy took a long drink from his frosted glass of expensive imported beer, while Pam took a swig from her domestic bottle.

“Before I agree to this, I need you to be clear with me. This ‘date’--it’s not for real, is it? It’s your way of getting back at Jim for tricking us.”

She nodded. “I’m sorry. I do like you, Andy, and I would really like us to be friends. But Jim was giving you false information about me, maybe leading you to believe we might be interested in the same things, that we’re more compatible than we really are. I don’t want to waste your time though, thinking there could be something…romantic between us. But for my plan to work, I had to agree to go out with you in front of Jim. See, I know from years of experience how Jim’s mind works, so I’m the perfect person to plot something against him. Are you in?”

He took another drink, considering, and Pam could see the mixture of emotions crossing his boyish face. He was still genuinely disappointed that they hadn’t made a love connection, and she could also still sense the anger bubbling just beneath the surface at what Jim had done.

“Ok…Just for shits and giggles, what’s this plan of yours?”

“We make Jim think his plan failed, and pretend we went out tonight and really hit it off, maybe even had a one-night-stand. Then, we make everyone in the office uncomfortable with our passionate love affair.”

Andy’s smile had returned by the time she finished. “Well, that sounds fun, I ain’t gonna lie. But what’s in it for me?”

“Vengeance, of course, both for the loss of your poor calculator and what he did to us today.”

Andy’s eyes narrowed as a thought occurred. “You wouldn’t by chance be using me to try to make Jim jealous, would you? I mean, I’ve heard you two were close.”

Pam felt her face flush, and was grateful for the dim lighting in the bar. “No, of course not. Jim and I are just friends. When he was in Scranton before, I was engaged, and now he has a girlfriend, so…”

“So…you just want to mess with him a little, eh? Use the old Nard-Dog for your own devious purposes…Okay, I’m in.  I’m curious though, how’s this gonna work? I mean, it doesn’t seem like much of a prank, especially since he has a girlfriend.”

“Oh, I’ve got some other things up my sleeve too; they’re just not fully developed yet. In the meantime, Operation Revenge starts tomorrow. You conveniently drove me to the bar, so we’ll leave my car at the office and you can take me home tonight, then pick me up tomorrow morning, a little later than usual, and we’ll come in together. Time enough for Jim to have noticed my car in the lot but to see that I hadn’t come in yet.  I’m sure he’ll immediately jump to the wrong conclusion.”

“Hmm. Then what?”

“Well, then, we act like we’re really into each other. Smile at each other across the room, sneak cuddles in the kitchen. And, even better, you should find excuses to hang out at Reception several times a day, making sure Jim sees all this, of course.”

“Ok, sounds fun. But no offense, Pam, having a fake girlfriend might actually prevent me from getting a real one.”

Pam thought a moment. “Yeah, good point. I wouldn’t want to cramp your style. So…we’ll have a whirlwind romance, a brief but torrid love affair that lasts, let’s say…a week, before it fizzles naturally with no broken hearts.  Very French, don’t you think?”

“Ooh la-la,” replied Andy gamely.

“Then, you watch: I bet your sexiness factor goes through the roof!”

“How do you figure?”

“Well, it shows how irresistible and hot you can be, and I will have nothing but praise for your prowess that I will whisper to the girls at the office. After it’s over, we can occasionally look at each other with just the right touch of romantic nostalgia.”

This whole idea appealed to Andy immensely, given his natural affinity for the dramatic, for the romantic gesture, for the idea of himself as a sophisticated lover.  He was actually getting so into the scenario she’d created, that he started contemplating what he might add to it to make things seem even more--dare he think it—Shakespearean.  He forgot, as Pam had intended, that the whole thing seemed very illogical as far as pranks went, at least for suitably getting back at Jim.

The truth was, Andy had guessed correctly that yes, she wanted Jim to be jealous. It had worked before with Roy, though when they’d been engaged she hadn’t intended that to happen. Looking back now, she’d known he’d been jealous of Roy, and when she’d noticed, it had given her a secret thrill of both feminine flattery and longing for what she couldn’t have. But now she was free, and the way Jim had played with her today, she felt once more that old tingle of excitement whenever he’d been in prankster mode with her. Surely he wouldn’t have teased her like that if he didn’t still have some feelings for her.

Of course, she felt guilty because he was seeing someone new, but it’s not like they were engaged, and he’d said on his first day back in Scranton that he’d just started seeing her, so the relationship was very new and perhaps still pretty casual. At least, that’s what she was hoping. She was counting on this act of revenge with Andy bringing those old feelings of Jim’s to the surface again.

But she also ran the risk of this going completely sideways on her.  Jim might become so distant she could lose all hope of even restoring their friendship. And there was also the question of whether she could really pull this thing off.  It would be so unlike her to be flaunting a new lover, especially someone like Andy Bernard. She feared that Jim might be able to see right through her, and all of this would be for naught, leaving her incredibly embarrassed. Ultimately, it could end up with the joke being totally on her. 

Well, she thought, remembering the past several months of hell, it wouldn’t be the first time.

But Pam knew she had to put herself out there somehow, take a chance, be brave. Even though she was using Andy, he seemed happy enough to go along for the ride, and she’d been fairly honest with him. Besides, Pam had her suspicions that Jim was using Karen to protect himself from her, which was kind of the same thing. He’d reached out to her today through their mutual love of pranks. She was more than willing to meet him halfway.

XXXXXXXXXXX

Jim sat on his couch with Karen, watching a movie she had picked out that he was barely paying attention to. He was sure he’d suffer her ribbing about that later, when she wanted to discuss and analyze it in detail. His bottle of beer sat mostly untouched on the coffee table, and Karen unconsciously swirled the white wine in her glass as she lay her head against his chest, entranced by the artsy period drama.

No, all he could think about was that Pam had gone out for drinks with Andy to some bar or fancy club.  Andy Bernard, who was either like Dwight on steroids or Michael on Ritalin. The worst thing was, Jim had brought this on himself. But he was sure she’d gotten the joke when he’d given her one of his trademark looks that had always made her laugh, had felt his heart sing when she’d smiled at him like she used to.  He’d been seriously hovering over the line today, pranking her, teasing her like he used to, with his new girlfriend only feet away. But he’d spent years of his life trying to make Pam smile, to make her notice him, to make her love him even a fraction of how much he loved her.  Like any addiction, it was very bad for him, but it also made him feel really good, and he’d found it was very hard to stop cold turkey.

He’d been trying to break the habit and not let himself fall into old patterns, but the truth was, he still loved her, and it both tantalized and made him feel guilty that she was single now, while he was most definitely not. The universe was a cold-hearted bitch, he thought bitterly, reaching for his beer.

They were both startled by the sound of Karen’s phone.  She dug it out of her slacks pocket and looked at the text.  She chuckled.

“It’s from Andy,” she said. “He’s on a date with Pam, and apparently it’s going really well.  Guess sicking him on her today must have made an impression. Good job, Halpert. I never would have taken you for a matchmaker.”

Jim glanced at the clock. It was eight o’clock, and they were still out? For drinks? The memory of a wasted Pam at the Dundies last year flashed in his mind. She’d been such an adorable drunk. He frowned.

“It was just a prank,” he said. “It was supposed to be funny, because I didn’t think they’d have anything in common.”

Karen laughed. “Well, that totally backfired on you. But actually, come to think of it, Andy is usually attracted to the sweet, girl-next-door type. Sure, he tries for the models sometimes, but they are usually so out of his league that he gets depressed when they don’t get past the first date, or he realizes later they were only after his money.”

Jim’s mouth formed a straight line. He didn’t think Karen was really trying to be insulting, but he had to stifle the urge to defend Pam. She was certainly accurate that Pam gave off that wholesome, girl-next-door vibe, but there was so much more to her. Karen seemed to imply that Pam was simple, unsophisticated, small-town. He guessed she was all those things, especially compared to his current girlfriend. He looked down at the top of her dark, silky hair, nary a stray frizzy lock falling out of a dollar store barrette. Pam wore modest skirts and tops with cardigans in various shades of pastel, not expensive pantsuits of black or chic earth tones.  Pam might wear a little lip gloss or a touch of mascara, while he knew that Karen spent a half-hour with expensive cosmetic kits that made her look like she had no makeup on at all.  Pam might be unsophisticated, but she was the most real person he knew, and no way was she going for a douche bag like Andy Bernard.

Jim shook his head and downed his beer. He took Karen’s glass and her phone and set them on the table, then grabbed the remote and turned off the movie.

“Hey!” she protested, but then he gently pushed her to her back, covering her body with his. His lips found hers, and he kissed her with a passion he didn’t really feel, but that he hoped he made up for in enthusiasm.

“Hmmm,” she hummed lazily against his mouth, arching her hips up to meet his. He forced himself to focus only on her, to pay attention to her needs and desires, trying to block out his own—at least the ones deep inside his heart.

And for a little while, it seemed to work.