The Auction

Chapter 1

It was Dunder Mifflin policy that every year, each branch did some sort of charity fundraiser. In Pam’s time at the Scranton branch, she’d seen a golf tournament, a car wash, a carnival, and last year’s Casino Night. Usually the money went toward Michael’s pet charity, the Boy Scouts of America (of which he proudly bragged of his solitary year as a Cub Scout as a kid). They wasted a lot of company money setting up these things, only to raise, at most, a few thousand dollars. Sometimes, they nearly went in the hole, like with Casino Night. After paying for the catering and the hiring of the event company to set up the gaming tables and provide the staff, Pam mailed the check for two-hundred dollars to the Boy Scouts. The cost to Pam personally on that night had been incalculable.

And so, at the beginning of April, Pam watched with trepidation as Michael stood in the bullpen, calling them all to attention. She glanced over at the back of Jim’s head as he worked diligently on his computer, willing him to turn and look at her to share a grin or a raised eyebrow. They both knew what was coming. But he didn’t turn, and she felt the sharp pang of longing as Karen smiled at Jim a few desks away.

“Friends, Romans, paper salesmen, lend me your ears! It’s time once again for our annual branch charity event.”

The groans weren’t that audible, so Michael gleefully continued. “Let me start by saying that I put a lot of thought into this, especially when I was watching The Bachelor on TV the other night.”

Oh God, thought Pam, and as she looked around her fellow captive audience, she saw expressions that broadcast a similar emotion. The collective dread suffused the room.

“It occurred to me that every man working at this branch, except Stanley, is a bachelor.  I for one find that to be very sad.”

“It isn’t really,” said Stanley under his breath, looking with mild envy at his unmarried co-workers.

“And all the women except for me aren’t married either,” added a smugly smiling Phyllis, still in the honeymoon phase with Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration.

“Yes, Phyllis, that is also true.  I suppose that makes them equally sad and pathetic.  How’s that for equal rights, eh ladies?”

There was a sprinkling of offended “Heys” and grumbles from both sexes around the bullpen.

“What’s your point, Michael?” asked Oscar.

“The point my dear homo—uh sapien, is that my fundraising idea this year is a chance to kill two stones with one bird. We, my friends, are having a bachelor auction!”

The entire office erupted. Michael was inundated with questions, and others began talking and making wisecracks.

“Okay, everybody, calm down. Let me finish my speech and then I’ll take questions I don’t answer for you. First, let me say that all unmarried men must participate.”

“I don’t really think you can do that, Michael,” said Toby.

“Just shut it. Of course I can. I can make it tied to their pay.”

Toby shook his head. “I don’t think so.  Maybe you could offer them an incentive to participate. Some kind of reward…”

Michael looked supremely frustrated.  “I already thought of that, idiot. The guy who gets the most money gets three extra paid vacation days.”

“Have you spoken to Corporate about that?” asked Toby. “I don’t think you can promise—”

“Yes. Jan said I could.”  The other men looked at each other, perking up a little at this prospect.

“Well that’s not fair. What about the women,” demanded Kelly. “What do we get out of this?”

“Well…I thought about that too. The woman who bids the most for one of our bachelors also gets three paid vacation days. How about them apples?”

Pam frowned. “That’s not fair either. We’d effectively be paying for our own vacation days, and the guys won’t have to do a thing but stand there.”

This time Jim had swiveled his chair around to her, and she saw his knowing grin. She caught her breath and felt her cheeks go pink.

“Yeah,” said Meredith. “The women should get the chance to be auctioned off too.”

Michael rolled his eyes. “Right. I mean, Pam and Karen might fetch a pretty penny, but—”

“We should all have a chance,” said Kelly. “I bet I could get just as much money as any of them.” She nodded toward the guys.  She heard a soft snicker and her eyes zeroed in on Ryan like laser beams. She was met with wide blue eyes and an innocent expression.

“Well I for one will not be participating in this prostitution ring,” said Angela. “You would literally be selling your bodies.” No one saw Dwight’s delighted little grin.

“Oh please,” said Michael. “It would just be dinner or drinks or something. Not that sex would have to be totally off the table…”

“Eww,” said Pam.

“Nice,” said Kevin.

“Are you sure this isn’t just your way of trying to get a date?” Jim asked Michael.  “I mean, I assume you’ll be up there being auctioned too, right?”

“Yes. I mean no. You asked two questions—” He stopped talking, flustered, but Creed intervened.

“Hey man, when I was a gigolo for a while back in seventy-eight, I got lots of dates out of the job.  No shame in mixing business with pleasure.”

“Well I don’t need a date,” said Michael. “I have a girlfriend. She’ll be there to bid on me, I’m sure.”

Jim looked doubtful, and Pam stifled a laugh at his expression.

Karen had a question. “So, if both men and women are being auctioned, who’s going to be there to bid on us?”

Michael happily jumped on that question, thankful for the chance to get the conversation back on track. “We advertise. Invite the community, as well as people from other branches. And you all, invite friends and family outside of the office; get them to place a bid on you. The more the merrier. Kevin could invite his girlfriend, and Oscar could ask his uh, boyfriend, or whatever.  It’s all for a good cause—and those vacation days, remember those.  Plus, this year, you get to pick the charity of your choice for who your final bid amount goes to. See? Win-win.”

“And if you get a legit date out of it, win-win-win,” added Andy, already contemplating what he would wear.

“What about Phyllis and I?” asked Stanley. “We deserve the chance at those vacation days as much as anybody else.”

Michael threw up his hands and gave a dramatic sigh. “Fine, you can participate, but I thought you of all people wouldn’t want to.”

Stanley’s eyes narrowed. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Well. Uh. Nothing. Never mind. Get your spouses to come and bid on you. Although that kind of defeats the entire purpose of a bachelor auction.”

“It’s to raise money for charity, right?” reminded Toby.

“You’ll be lucky if you don’t get booed off the stage, freak,” said Michael cruelly.

“It’s in the bag for me, if Bob can bid,” said Phyllis with a confident grin.

Everyone groaned. Bob Vance was the richest guy in the building.

“Can second highest bid get two paid vacation day at least?” asked Oscar, seeing the writing on the wall.

“I think that’s fair,” said Toby. “I’ll check with Corporate.”

The impromptu meeting wound down, and Michael returned to his office, leaving the rest of them to mill around and discuss or complain. Oddly, except for Angela, no one seemed to be opting out.

“So, we have to have a plan,” said Karen, who had come to lean against Jim’s desk for a chat. Pam looked down at her computer, but she was listening to every word. Jim looked up at his girlfriend with a grin.

“We do, huh?  And what’s that?  We go out to a movie that night instead?”

“No, silly. I bid on you, and you bid on me.”

Jim idly swiveled side-to-side in his chair. “But what if someone else bids higher than you for me?  I mean, I can’t exactly control how all the women are gonna react to this.” He gestured wryly to himself ala Vanna White. 

He was kidding, but Pam couldn’t help glancing up at him, admiring for the millionth time just how sexy he was. The fact that he didn’t see it himself made him infinitely more attractive, and her heart squeezed painfully.

Karen chuckled. “Yeah, right.  The truth is, by making this deal with you, I’m probably saving you from extreme embarrassment.”

“Oh, really? Well, if that’s the case, maybe the deal should be that the one who gets the most money gets to pick the restaurants and movies for an entire month.”

“An entire month? Come on! I can’t go for a month of cheap tacos and watching a Jim Carey marathon every Friday night.”

Jim shrugged. “No confidence, Fillipelli?”

She regarded him a moment, weighing her chances. He was tall and handsome and infinitely charming, and without feeling too much like a snob, she knew that realistically, someone with say, a recently single receptionist’s salary, couldn’t afford to outbid her. She wasn’t worried about any other women who might happen to get a date with him; she knew he’d be respectful of their relationship.  And besides, she was aware of the effect she had on men, especially when she put her mind to it.

She stuck out her hand. “Okay, Halpert. If you don’t mind weekly sushi and Masterpiece Theatre, we’re on.”

He visibly cringed at that, but gamely took her hand, pleased to accept the challenge. “Deal.”

Pam was relieved by the distraction as Kelly came up to Reception, a huge, excited smile on her face.

“Oh, my God, Pam! Isn’t this gonna be fun? Do you know what you’re gonna wear? How you’ll do your hair? We should totally have a makeover party that night to get ready.”

Pam shook her head. “I don’t know if I’m even doing this,” she said quietly.

“Oh, come on! You have to!  Think of the extra vacation days! Think of the cute guy who might bid for you. Or even better, maybe he’ll be rich. Can you imagine? It’ll be like Pretty Woman, only you won’t have to be a prostitute.”

Pam laughed at her enthusiasm, at the fairy tale picture she painted. Karen had gone back to her desk, and Pam looked up to see Jim at the copy machine, obviously listening to their conversation, considering the small smile on his face. Though to be fair, Kelly was talking loudly enough Toby probably could hear her in the Annex.

“I’ll think about it,” Pam said. “Those days off would be nice.  And I wouldn’t mind donating to the community children’s art program, but being up there, people bidding on you like cattle…I don’t know.”

Kelly ignored Pam’s hesitance, and closed her eyes, a dreamy expression on her face. “I can picture it all now. Ryan and some handsome stranger will get into a big bidding war for me. He’ll be so jealous, he’ll put up his car, or his new X-box, just for the pleasure of my company…”

Pam glanced at Jim, fresh copies in hand, openly smiling now, his eyes sparkling in shared amusement with Pam. Her heart tripped a little in her chest, and for a moment, it was last year before everything went to crap, when they were best friends sharing in on the joke. She smiled back at him, and for a brief moment his eyes softened before he remembered himself and looked away, then walked purposefully back to his desk.

Feeling tears in her eyes, she blinked rapidly, grateful that Kelly was so caught up in her own little fantasy that she didn’t notice.

“…so start thinking about your clothes, Pam,” Kelly was saying, Pam’s last statement having not even registered. “I see a shopping trip in our future!”

Before she could reply, Kelly had bounced away again, back to the Annex and her romantic plans.

A few minutes later, Michael called Pam in to take notes on how they would start advertising for the first annual Dunder Mifflin Bachelor/Bachelorette Auction.  She didn’t see how Jim’s eyes followed her, a somber expression on his face, the earlier light in his eyes dimmed now as he tried not to imagine how beautiful she might look, all dolled up for the auction. He allowed himself to imagine, just for a moment, how things might have been different, what it would be like to give the winning bid for her hand, to celebrate with a night on the town, or a night in her bed.

He swallowed and looked back at his computer, the same old ache he could never fully push away making his hands tremble slightly on the keyboard. He felt Karen’s eyes on him and he managed a slight grin, but her answering smile didn’t quite reach her eyes.