When Jim gets to work, he’s only a little late. Not the latest he’s ever been, that’s for sure. There was the time he and Steve went to one of Steve’s friend’s shows, and then out to the bar and…that was neither here nor there. Here was that he was probably twenty minutes late to work; there was that Steve and Mark had had an epic Mario Kart battle the night before and he’d stayed up to play referee. So he was a little tired when he got into work…ok, it was probably more like half an hour late.

But he wasn’t tired enough to miss the fact that someone had taken over the conference room, someone he vaguely recognized. He slipped into his desk, taking advantage of Dwight’s distraction by the visitor to avoid another annoying scold, and looked a question at Pam. She rolled her eyes and shrugged, and he pulled out his phone to text Steve.

Dude, what was the name of that girl in your show, the one you did with Michael?

He did his best to get to work, exchanging periodic glances with Pam as Michael, Dwight, and the rest of the guys in the office proceeded to make idiots of themselves over the woman selling he had finally figured out was selling purses in the conference room for some reason. Just as he decided to take a coffee break, his phone buzzed.

Which girl? Dude, that show had a lot of girls in it.

The one you and the other guy were fighting over.

Hermia?

Weird name, but ok

No, she played Hermia. She’s Katy. Why?

She’s here at the office

WTF??????

Yeah

Cute, tho, right? I had a total crush on her

I guess so

What’s she doing there?

Selling something?

Oh yeah, that’s her day job

You work for a lawyer, she sells stuff in other people’s offices?

Crazy world, right?

He was leaning against the wall texting when Michael and Kevin walked in talking about how hot Katy was. Apparently Kevin thought she was hotter than Pam, and Michael agreed, telling Kevin about how he thought she was “Pam 6.0.” Knowing Michael, this wasn’t the first time he’d said that today—hopefully not in front of Pam, but Jim had his doubts. He coughed, loudly, and his coworkers turned his way.

“Jimbo!” Michael slung an arm around his shoulders, which was awkward given that Jim was up against the wall, but his boss just hung there like a very strange kind of wallpaper. “Did you meet the purse girl yet?”

“She’s hot.”

“Thanks, Kev. Great insight.” He straightened, which had the not insignificant benefit of disassociating Michael from his shoulders, and decided to play dumb. “Purse girl?”

“Yeah, some girl came by to sell purses, so…purse girl.” Michael grinned.

“You mean Katy?” Jim had no particular interest in this woman, but she deserved to have her own name—and maybe that would stop Michael from insulting Pam, to her face or behind her back.

“You sly dog.” Michael dug his elbow into Jim’s ribs. “Already making a move there, huh? Trying to steal a march on the old bossman?”

“She’s hot.” Kevin was apparently still rebooting from whatever interaction he’d had with her, in reality or in his mind. Jim rolled his eyes and went to grab the coffee he’d come in for in the first place.

“No, I just remember her from that play you were in together. She played Hermia, right?”

Michael did a double-take, staring over his shoulder towards the conference room and then back at Jim. “Wait, what?”

“I’m pretty sure it’s the same woman.” Jim reached for the coffee carafe, but Michael shoved a paper cup into his hands instead. It was hot.

“Here. I don’t actually like Starbucks. I just…nevermind.” He practically ran back into his office from the breakroom, shouting something over his shoulder about finding a program. Frantic sounds of cupboards and drawers being flung open came from his office door.

Jim took a sip of the drink. It was definitely a dirty chai—he’d recognize it anywhere, since Mark had made him drink enough of it in college—and he didn’t doubt Michael had just bought it because it had the word ‘dirty’ in the name. He also hadn’t actually gone to Starbucks, even though he’d said he had—the label on the cup was clearly from the little mom and pop coffee shop around the corner from the office. Jim remembered a prank from a year ago, when he and Pam had convinced Dwight that that shop was secretly a Starbucks ‘in disguise,’ a Trojan horse to infiltrate the smaller coffee markets. Apparently the trick had worked longer than they’d though—and not just on Dwight.

Since he was running behind, it was later than usual, and he was still in the break room when Roy and Pam came in to have lunch—he wondered why Roy was upstairs for lunch, although the way his neck was craning towards the conference room didn’t leave much doubt. Roy elbowed him in the ribs, in the exact same spot Michael had hit. “Hey, Jimmy what do you think of that little purse girl, huh?” Jim carefully avoided looking at Pam, and also managed not to roll his eyes in the way he wanted to over Roy’s choice of language. Instead he shrugged, taking a sip of the very cooled tea.

“Cute, sure, yeah.” Whatever, Roy, he thought, and remembered Michael’s words. If he were Roy, with Pam, he didn’t think he’d even noticed Katy: she wasn’t Pam 6.0, she was Pam 0.6, an early access version not yet ready for the market. Not that she wasn’t cute, but she sure as hell wasn’t Pam.

Roy wouldn’t let it rest there, though. “Why don’t you get on that?” He wondered why Roy cared. Maybe he wasn’t as good at hiding his own interest in Pam as he’d thought—it might explain some of the weird aggression from Roy—in which case no wonder Roy would be interested in making sure he had his eyes firmly set somewhere else. “She’s not really my type.” And if she wasn’t, he supposed, that would imply Pam wasn’t, without actually lying. She wasn’t his type because his type was very specifically one person. Otherwise, maybe she would have been, even as Pam 0.6. But that answer should satisfy Pam’s jealous fiancé.

But this guess was evidently wrong, since Roy was barking up another tree entirely—maybe even in another forest. “What, are you gay?” He laughed at his own joke, and Jim resisted the urge to look at Pam and see what she thought of this exchange. “Hmmm….” He took one little peek at her and noticed her hands were almost white in tension around the cup she was holding. “I don’t think so, nope.”

Kevin interrupted, surprising Jim, who had actually forgotten he was there. “What is your type?”

He took another glance at Pam, but kept his attention primarily on Roy. Pam was important, but he couldn’t risk admitting…well, anything with her fiancé in the room, and anyway he was pretty sure she wasn’t interested in hearing it anyway, hence the existence of said fiancé. “Moms, primarily.” He saw her snort, and decided to keep going and make the joke really obvious. “Yep. Soccer moms. Single moms. NASCAR moms. Any type of moms, really.”

Roy, of course, didn’t get it. “That’s disgusting.”

Kevin, he thought, did, but of course continued the joke in his own Kevin-like way. “Stay away from my mom.”

He grinned. “Too late, Kev.” Point to Halpert in the ongoing game of chicken that was conversations with his horniest coworker.

Katy chose that moment to stroll through on her way to the vending machine—apparently selling purses was hungry work—and Jim watched Pam watch Roy as the latter’s eyes followed her in and out. She was barely out the door when Roy said, not at all quietly, “Man, I would be all over that if I wasn’t dating Pam.” He nudged Jim again in the ribs. “Or maybe I oughta take a page out of your playbook, huh? Get someone else to be me while I go have some fun?”

Jim was seriously worried about his ribs, but he was even more worried that Pam’s fingers were going to shatter the mug she was holding into bits as she threw Roy’s words back at him. “That’s disgusting.” She stood up and forcefully but carefully placed the mug in the sink. “And we’re not dating. We’re engaged.”

Roy waved a hand. “Engaged, yeah.” Pam strode out of the room without another word and Roy rolled his eyes. “Girls, right?” He looked up at the clock. “Shit, I gotta get back downstairs. Wish I’d pulled a Halpert today, but what can you do.” He laughed at his own wit, and headed out, not without another look over at the conference room as he left, right in front of Pam.

Jim tossed the dirty chai into the trash and followed Roy out, but at the last minute decided not to go to Pam’s desk after all. Instead, he detoured by his own desk. After a few minutes of work, he started engaging with Dwight, who seemed to be just as distracted by Katy as the rest of the office men. A short exchange had Dwight, who really was easily led when he wasn’t paying attention to who was leading, heading into the conference room to hit on Katy as well. Only then did Jim let himself wander towards reception.

He deliberately ignored the exchange he’d seen in the break room and his role in Roy’s part of it, and instead let himself distract Pam from her troubles by providing imaginary dialogue for Dwight in a high-pitched, unDwightlike but (if he did say so himself) very funny tone. It seemed to work, though she was still subdued for most of the rest of the day. He noticed her going in to talk to Katy later and admired her spirit—he also paid close attention to which purses she seemed to like.

Roy showed up later, on what must have been his legally mandated fifteen minute break during the afternoon, and tried to coax Pam into a better mood. Of course, being the asshole that he was, he did so by tickling Pam. On Jim’s desk. While he was trying to get work done. OK, that last was a lie, but the other two parts were true, and intensely frustrating. The small mercy was that Pam still looked plenty mad after Roy had left, though he was pretty sure Roy didn’t realize it, because it could be difficult to tell enforced tickle-laughter from real forgiveness.

If you were a dick.

Later, when it seemed safe, he went in and chatted with Katy a little bit, not really flirting, just getting to know her enough to drop his little bomb.

“Hey, weren’t you in Midsummer Night’s Dream a couple years ago?”

She looked up from her purses. “Yeah, I was.”

“With Michael?”

She grimaced. “Yeah. I don’t think he ever actually looked me in the face, though.”

“That would explain why he’s been digging through his office for the program from the show off and on for the last three hours.” Jim did not mention that he’d sent Michael on that search himself.

“Oh, is that what he’s been doing?” She rolled her eyes. “Should I hope he finds it, or not?”

“Not is probably safer.” He leaned against the wall. “So, uh, this may seem a little forward…”

She smiled, and he thought it was a genuine one. “Are you going to ask me out too?”

He grinned back. “Does it count if I do it by proxy?”

“Why would you need a proxy?”

“Oh, not me...” he raised his hands slightly. “Not that I…never mind. It’s just…do you remember my friend Steve? Kim? He was in the show with you?”

“You know Steve?” Her face lit up. “How’s he doing?”

“Pretty good, except my roommate kicked his butt at Mario Kart last night.” Jim twisted his hands together. “So…you didn’t hear it from me, but Steve kiiiind of has a crush on you, and…”

“Yes.” She smiled at him. “If you’re asking what I think you’re asking, the answer is yes.”

“Great.” He relaxed, then tensed again. “You are saying you’ll go out with Steve, right? I didn’t miss anything there?”

“No. I mean, yes. I am saying that.” She was bouncing a little on the balls of her feet.

“Great.”

She looked over his shoulder at something, and bit her lip. “Um…this might be weird, but could it be tonight? And can you drive me there? Because, um, my ride cancelled, and then Michael offered..”

“Say no more.” He pulled out his phone and texted Steve: Meet me at Poor Richard’s at 5:30. Dress nice. “We got this.”

“Thank you.” She leaned over and kissed his cheek. “Seriously, thank you. If you want a purse…”

“I’ll let you know.”

“You do that.”

As he stepped out of the conference room, his phone buzzed twice. Sure. Why?

You have a date

What?!?

You still think Katy’s cute, right?

Say you didn’t ask her out for me

I mean, I can say it if you want but…

I’m going to kill you. I’ll see you at 5:30

He was going to tell Pam the hilarious news, but something stopped him. Maybe it wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world if she thought it was at least possible someone else might be interested in him. So he found himself mentioning he’d be seeing Katy that evening, even though he was just planning to drop her off at the bar and let Steve take her home, and he joked about matching tattoos, hoping against hope that he’d see even a little bit of jealousy or that she’d realize that if the tattoos were a joke maybe the dinner and a movie were too. But instead she just looked defeated, and said something about helping Roy’s cousin move, and his own jealousy flared up. If she was going to act like everything was OK between her and Roy, after that scene he’d witnessed, he wasn’t going to let her in on the joke until Monday.

She’d probably still think it was funny then.

He hoped.

The only thing that raised his spirits a little at the end of the day was that, as he’d expected from their reactions, Katy and Steve seemed to really hit it off. Not that he stuck around to see: third-wheeling their date was not his style, he had enough of that in his life already even if he wasn’t desperately in love with the woman this time. Instead, he went home and proceeded to show Mark that he might be better at Mario Kart than Steve, but he couldn’t hold a candle to one James Duncan Halpert.

If only you could win someone’s heart on the GameCube—though even if you could, he thought, he’d probably get hit with a blue shell anyway.