In the early hours as they slept the rain intensified, firing down at a shattering pace, pounding like angry fists against the window glass.

For Pam, who generally enjoyed the rain, the endless lashing against the walls around her only served to compound her misery and brought forward a dark sense of claustrophobia she couldn't shake.

A chill had crept over the room during the night. The hotel sheets were exquisitely soft and warm, yet despite this an uncomfortably cold feeling was gnawing at her stomach. She was conflicted; it was early out, the birds were awake and so she figured that she couldn't have been asleep more than a few hours, in spite of her extreme exhaustion.

Everything from the night before came back to her at full speed before she even opened her eyes – and the events overnight looked to her even more horrifying in the cold daylight. With a bitter – and increasingly angry – eye she replayed the words over and over again. The part that her brain was stuck on – would not let go of – was Jim, asking her...he so simply just asked her, holding up her sins in front of them both like a neon banner. She had fallen into a haunted mutism at the words, retreating back inside a hard shell. Then without warning the anger had come and she had yelled, yelled at Jim, who had only been trying to help her, cried terrible things at him. After all he did for her, and she treated him so poorly.

She couldn't blame him for what he had said, for knowing. Sometimes herself, she would be in the act of some menial task when unexpectedly she was assaulted with a sickening stench – a foul pungence of raw fish and sweaty armpits mingled together. It was a dirty smell, a smell she couldn't scrub away for all the baths and showers and soaps and loofahs she could lay her hands on. Even more so than dirty, it was offensive, a twisted miasma made of filth and humiliation. It was a badge for her subjugation, something that screamed possession of Roy Anderson.

Jim was different. Being next to Jim in bed was very different. When Roy was angry, which was much of the time, he slept angry. He would lay straight and stiff, his limbs hard and sharp like jagged rocks. His testosterone and furious pheromones seeped out and permeated the area around them, soaking into the sheets and the covers and into her. And in those moments now when she would suddenly catch a noseful of Roy-smell around her, and upon the realization that it was coming from her own person second hand – one of Roy's many gifts to her – it was a sensation that made her nauseous to her stomach.

With Jim, it was a complete opposite. He was warm, kind and beyond patient with her. He had a great sense of humor where Roy didn't, Jim could make her laugh hysterically with a flick of his eyebrow, while sometimes the simple act of Roy just entering a room filled her with panic. She knew she shouldn't be comparing the two of them, but she couldn't understand how she could have loved a man like Roy so much and yet now she was with Jim – it was like aliens and humans. There was no real line between them.

And she was fearful, so afraid that she would end up pushing Jim away from her, that he would end up being forced to leave. After everything she kept putting him through, how difficult she was making his life, she wouldn't be able to blame him. He had seen everything now, she was stripped bare last night, completely, vulnerably, spiritually naked in front of him. He'd seen the ugly inside of her, the sordid perversity she never wanted anyone to see. Least of all Jim. Things would be different between them. She knew it. She loathed herself even more at that moment, a few silent tears soaking into her pillow. Tears for Roy, for herself, for the mess she made of everything. Tears for the man who's sleeping arm was currently draped over her, curling her in a sideways hug against him, his warm breath tickling her neck.

-TO-

"How bad was it?" Helene asked. Pam grimaced. The signal was not great. Helene sounded tinny and far away. Pam hated that – she had wanted to hear her mom's voice close the distance between them and pretend that she was right next to her.

"Pretty bad." she admitted, glancing at the hotel room door again.

"It was always going to take a little time. You shouldn't rush things."

Pam shifted on the stair she was sitting on. "It's not that, mom. I just… I think I might have done some damage between us."

"Oh, Pammy." Helene's tone was sympathetic. "Jim doesn't strike me as the kind of man to be put off by a little nightmare or two."

"I know that, Mom." Pam said tiredly. "It's just that things got a little… ugly."

"Ugly?" Helene questioned.

"I got ugly."

There was a pause before Helene replied. "Did the two of you have a fight, Pam?"

"No." Pam said quickly, drumming her foot against the stair below her. "No. I just… I yelled at him a bit."

"You were upset. He understood that, didn't he?"

Pam bit down hard on her lip, trying to keep her voice steady. "Yes, yes he did. That's the thing Mom. He always understands. I don't deserve it."

"Pam," Helene said with a warning in her tone. "Don't say things like that. Of course you deserve it. He wouldn't be there if he didn't want to be. Everyone can see he's crazy about you."

Wiping at her eyes with her sleeve, Pam cried silently into the phone, not trusting herself to speak.

"Pam? Where are you, are you outside?"

Shaking her head, Pam steadied herself with a deep breath. "No, I'm just sitting outside the hotel room. Jim's still asleep."

"Tell me something - how do you feel about Jim? Do you love him?"

Pam swallowed hard. "I feel he deserves better."

She could practically feel the biting worry her mother felt, even from such a distance away. "Pam, don't you do anything you'll regret. I don't think it's for you to decide what Jim deserves and doesn't. You should leave that up to him."

"I feel so embarrassed. So… used up." she stammered.

"Oh darling, everyone has nerves in the start of a relationship, everyone is scared. You're no different. Do you remember when you were little and we'd go to the market, you'd push that little toy baby carriage down the street behind me? You'd chatter on at me about your wedding day, and your babies and your big house -"

"With a pool and a room just for me to paint in." Pam sniffed.

"Right." Helene said confidently. "You can still have all of those things, you deserve them all. Try to give this a chance with Jim, okay?"

More tears slid down her face. She wished her mom were there so she could hug her. "Okay."

"I do hope this works out for you both." Helene said sincerely. "I really do like him. So does your dad."

"Thanks Mom." she replied shakily.

"Although I feel I should warn you, your father plans to give Jim the full third degree when he next sees you both."

The imagine of her father grilling Jim actually elicited a small chuckle out of her. "That really isn't needed, Mom."

"I know that. He doesn't mean any harm. You know your father. He's feeling full on guilty over Roy."

"I know." Pam said again, wincing at the mention of Roy. She rubbed her forehead. "Do you really think I'm right for him, Mom?"

She heard a gentle sigh. "Pam. Does Jim love you?"

"Mom – I don't -"

"No, no Pam. Answer the question."

Chewing on her lip, Pam fell silent for a long moment. "I think so, Mom." she finally answered.

"Well, does he or doesn't he, Pam?" Helene persisted.

"He says he does."

Helene sighed again. "Let's try once more, okay?"

Again Pam was silent, feeling awkwardly on stage. "Yes. Yes he does." she said softly.

"Then how can you possibly not be the right person for him? He loves you – don't groan, it's okay to let someone love you, Pammy. If you want to have a good relationship with him, let him love you. You shouldn't hide yourself away, if you do you'll never feel that you belong with him."

Helene's words drove further tears to her eyes. She was so physically exhausted, emotionally drained. Her mind was clouded in fog and confusion, yet somehow, her mother's point of view made total sense and that made her want to cry even harder.

"Pam?"

Helene interrupted her thoughts. "I know you're right Mom. I just- you're right. I hope I haven't messed everything up last night, that's all."

"You had a nightmare, you got upset, it's not the end of the world." Helene replied.

"Mmmm." Pam hummed quietly.

"Is there more to this than you're telling me?" Helene asked suddenly.

Pam inhaled deeply, lifting her eyes to the ceiling. "Everything's fine, Mom. I'm real tired is all."

"Okay." Helene said suspiciously. "How about I call you this afternoon, just to see that you're doing alright?"

"We'll be checking out this afternoon and driving back." Pam sniffed.

"This evening then."

"Alright." Pam said quickly, hearing movement in the room behind her.

"And Pammy. Love you." Helene said.

Fresh tears appeared on her cheeks. "I know, Mom." she mumbled wearily.

"Hey." she said awkwardly as she entered back into the room. Jim was sitting up now, comfortably in bed, looking tired and anxious. Immediately she was hit by a wave of guilt, knowing it was her fault he was so exhausted.

Jim pushed back the covers and got to his feet. "Morning." he said brightly. Moving slowly, he stepped round the bed and headed towards the bathroom. Bending down to her on his way past, Jim brushed a soft kiss over her cheek, before lightly rubbing her shoulder and then shutting himself in the bathroom. She stared after him, feeling perplexed.

Pam busied herself firstly trying to fix her ruined face while she listened to the steady pulsing of Jim's shower running, and once done, she spent her time trying to figure out how to work the hotel room coffee-maker. She wasn't sure how to face him after the embarrassment she'd made of herself the night before.

All too soon he was opening the door, a rolling steam following him out into the room. Pam kept her back turned, tactically trying to appear occupied. She could sense Jim behind her, nearer but he didn't say a word. Tension hung thick in the air – she began to feel the trembling that had been shivering through her all morning speed up. He was mad at her; she could feel it. She knew things would be different between them, she had driven a stake between them, a huge filthy Roy shaped stake and nothing would be the same-

Warm, kindly arms slid around her waist from behind. Hot breath tickled the back of her neck as a kiss was planted on the crown of her head. Pam felt heat flow into her face, reddening her cheeks.

"What was that for?" she murmured dreamily.

"It's a good way to start the day." Jim simply said. Pam stood still, letting him hold her.

"Pam… I'm really sorry." he said in a quiet voice. "I'm sorry for not stopping when we were fooling around yesterday." He hung his head a little, looking very much ashamed.

Pam frowned, thinking over the day before a horrified realization fell over her. She spun round, breaking his hold on her. "Wait – you thought.. no..when I said – Jim," she spoke, finding her words. "When I said...that I wasn't talking to you – I mean I was but it wasn't you. I thought you were Roy. I didn't see you standing there, I saw him. I panicked."

Jim was visibly relieved. "I know it will be a while before you trust me-"

"I do trust you." she replied softly. "It's me I don't trust, I mess everything up. Like last night."

"Hey. You're allowed to have some crappy days. What you've gone through is horrible. But what you gotta know is that I'm signed up for this. I'm not going anywhere."

"What about.. that… aren't you sick of picking my ass up off the floor?" she waved a hand in frustration.

Jim shook his head. "I can keep saying this until you believe me, I'll always be there to catch you before you hit the floor."

"It shouldn't have to be like that." Pam struggled to keep her voice level..

"That's exactly how it should be." Jim told her earnestly. They stared back at one another, tears shining in Pam's eyes. "But… about last night…" he began in a demure tone, wincing at the anxious expression flickering over her face. "You really gotta tell the police. You know what Roy did to you – it's-"

"No." she interrupted, lowering her head. "I can't."

"You can't let him get away with this. He can be charged again, he'll get longer jail time."

Pam's breath caught in her throat. "No – I can't." she said hoarsely. "I can't Jim. It's hard enough already.. I can't talk to strangers about it… I can't do it."

Jim relented, seeing that she was on the verge of another meltdown. "What did your Mom say?"

There was a long silence between them. "My mom doesn't know." she said quietly. Jim gave her a knowing look, but chose not to comment. "I don't want my mom to know. It would really hurt her." Pam added.

"It might." Jim told her. "But I think she'd rather just be there for you. You gotta deal with it somehow or you'll be having nightmares forever."

Pam shook her head fervently. "The police? I can't. Just you. Only you."

"It will be tough, but you will get through it. And you won't be alone."

Heavy tears rolled off her cheeks again. "I can't. I can't tell the police, and then the lawyer and then in front of him in a courtroom. I can't Jim." she pleaded. "How can I tell everyone I let him-" she cut off as Jim's arms circled around her again, this time from the front, pulling her against his chest.

"Hey...you are not in the wrong here. Roy is. He did everything wrong, not you. He gave you no choice. You didn't let him do anything."

Pam sniffed against him. "I'm-"

"Don't." he said firmly. He gently took hold of her arms and peeled her away from him. Taking hold of her hand, he led her over to the bed. "I think we both could use some more sleep before we drive back, especially in this rain."

Pam didn't argue, climbing up on to the bed, feeling the weight shift beneath her as he positioned himself next to her.

"Here." he said, turning to his left. Pam looked at him, eyebrows furrowed with tiredness. Jim swung back around to face her and this time he held a small rectangular box in his hand. "I was going to give you this at dinner later, but I think since we'll have to leave early before we get flooded and stuck here, here you go."

Stunned, Pam looked at the box in his hand, hesitant before taking it from him.

"Open it." Jim encouraged.

Pam gasped as she saw the sparkling jewellery inside. Delicately she lifted up the glittering gold bracelet, completely without words.

"You like it?" he asked.

Pam nodded, unable to speak. Tears were once again rolling down her face, but this time they were warm tears of gratitude. She was completely overcome by his gift and his unwavering patience with her. Leaning over, she kissed him, her lips quivering with emotion. With great care she slipped the thin bracelet on to her wrist.

"No one ever gave me anything like this before." she whispered.

"You deserve the best." Jim said.

"I think I've already got it." she said shakily, and laid her tired head against his chest, wrapping her arm around him in a half hug.

Jim returned the hug enthusiastically, letting her lie comfortably on him as she slowly began to sleep. He was overjoyed at her reaction to the gift – he'd been afraid that it might have been too much for her too soon – but he'd also really wanted to get her something really nice after everything she'd gone through – and with last nights revelation – confirmation – of what an utter piece of garbage Roy was, he wanted all the more to do something nice for her – something normal for a relationship – things she had missed out on with Roy.

Whatever happened he knew they'd be alright. He had faith. She had her doubts, he knew this but he also knew how he felt, very clearly and although she didn't often express her feelings to him verbally, she showed him in many, small but meaningful ways how she felt and that meant more to him than anything.