A hard frost overnight had smothered the grass and paths with shimmers of white. Her leg unconsciously bounced up and down, a disjointed flat beat against the porch floor that penetrated the calm quiet of the morning. She contemplated scurrying indoors for a sweater to ward off the chill seeping through her clothes and into her bones but settled for wrapping her arms around her middle.

Her mind was going too fast. The fresh air had not helped, only numbed her nose and reddened her cheeks. What was fresh and cool when she stepped out of the warm house had quickly become hostile, icy air nipping at her fingers and freezing her toes. Still, she did not turn back inside. Thoughts were speeding around her head like bullets, puncturing her composure, her sense of certainty. This was day two. She was tentatively scheduled to testify on day four. For the first time since she had left Roy, something akin to true anger – rage – was bubbling inside of her. Seeing him in court sitting so calmly, such the image of a decent, wronged man of course, had stoked a fire in her she hadn't known was burning. Her mind was speeding in reverse, going back, back, backwards through shades of red, blood on the carpets, blood in the sink, splatters of red over the collar of her favorite shirt. Words shaped into blades, piercing her with practiced precision. Manipulations, the way everything was always twisted back at her. The control he had had over her. She had truly come to believe she was worth nothing, had nothing going for her. Roy had known what buttons to attack; he'd always known. Aiming for her vulnerabilities, slowly chewing her down to the bone, feeding off her insecurities. If you really loved me, you wouldn't make me do this. He'd say afterwards, as she was cleaning up the mess under his glaring eye. That's right, go ahead and cry. Be the victim. It's pathetic. No wonder you're losing your friends.

But she hadn't lost her friends, had she? She'd pushed them away, because it was easier, easier to hide it, easier to avoid the questions. Because it was what he had wanted.

Her nails dug into her elbows savagely as she pulled her arms around herself even tighter. Roy deserved whatever was coming to him.

- to -

"Good morning Beesly."

She had no idea how long she had been hovering there on the porch, and the arms winding around her from behind felt blissfully warm against the cold air. She leaned back against him comfortably, murmuring a reply.

"What are you doing out here?" Jim asked after a moment.

Pam kept her eyes forward. "Just thinking about things."

"Dammit it's cold. You feel like an icicle." Jim huddled closer, lowering his head to rest his chin on her shoulder.

"We didn't have to do this." she said finally, chewing her lip anxiously, her eyes cast downwards. Overhead the sky was growing dark, thick swirls of grey swept in by the wind promising rain. "I didn't have to do this."

"Do what, love?"

She hesitated, sucking in a deep breath. "If he had just admitted it, if he would have just said he was guilty we wouldn't…. I wouldn't have to go through this." she fired out, surprising herself with the animosity she heard in her voice. "It's not fair."

"It's not fair." Jim agreed softly. "None of this should ever have happened. Fair would be to throw him into a rumble with Ali, Tyson and Sugar Ray. See how tough he thinks he is then. Or just shove him in a room with your dad."

Pam snorted, despite herself. Tilting her head against his, she inhaled deeply, feeling the chill settle into her lungs. "I just… thought I would forgive him. I want to forgive him. It would be so easy. Then it would really be over." she sighed, shaking her head. "I don't know if I can."

"Maybe forgiving him isn't what you really need." Jim said, moving closer to her for warmth. "Maybe, it's facing him. Not being afraid of him, to say what he did to you."

Silently she nodded against him. "I hate him." she mumbled quietly, so quietly she thought he hadn't heard her until moments later he spoke.

"This is good, this is really good. Does this mean you now understand none of this was your fault?"

Pam's forehead creased. She hadn't considered that, her sweeping changes in emotions and what it meant to her. What he now meant to her.

"You hate him, because you know he was wrong, that you didn't deserve to be treated that way." Jim clarified.

She stood against him, unaware of her fingers pressing lightly at her throat, absorbing his words. "Sometimes he would cry afterwards," she said reflectively. "He would cry and say he was sorry and beg for forgiveness. Say he wanted to do better. Then," her tone shifted rapidly, become harsher, gravelly. "He would make a remark about how if I hadn't done this or that or said whatever, I wouldn't have caused him to hurt me. Pathetic, huh?"

"Pathetic." Jim repeated, feeling it.

"For so long I believed him. It's…. crazy to realise… it was all an act. All of it. He was never sorry. He never thought he did anything wrong."

Jim squeezed his arms around her, hugging her hard. Underneath his hands that were clasped over her chest her heartbeat was fast, uneven. She paused, looking down at her socks.

"That's why we're here now. This is why I have to go through it again." she sighed in frustration.

Tilting his head to the side, he managed to catch her eye. "Listen…." he said kindly. "When you get up there, remember you don't have to say anything you don't want to say. Got it?" he said meaningfully, holding her tentative gaze.

Slowly she nodded.

"You know something else, Beesly?"

"Yeah?"

"I totally can't feel my face right now."

That drew a small laugh out of her and she moved to go inside. When she started to walk, she found her legs were wobbly. She shoved her tingling fingers into her pockets. "It's like hell freezing over." she remarked quietly, and went inside.

-TO-

Day two was personal – and that was how she absorbed it. Somehow seeing someone she knew so well up there, speaking about her, for her brought a reality into the case that she had only briefly flickered upon the day before. She sat still, straight as a line and looking directly at him, but shifting her eyes just low enough to avoid any possibility of catching his eye.

The questions initially were banal, routine. Is she on time for work, has she been late for work this year, was there a time when she was late into the office? Then the more intrusive questions Murphy had attempted to prepare her for were coming. Toby, to his credit, was coolly composed and controlled in his answers, perfectly at ease with being on the stand.

"Thank you, Mr Flenderson. I'd like to ask you now about the date of March 15, 2003. What happened on that date in the office?"

Toby shifted thoughtfully and rubbed his neck, eyes drooping. "Um that was Michael's birthday party…"

"Where was the party held?" Murphy said, standing directly in front of him.

Toby cleared his throat. "Uh, in the office, after work. All of the employees were there."

"Everyone. Okay. Can you describe Mr Andersons behavior that night?" Murphy asked. "Was he cheerful? Was he drinking, behaving unusually in anyway?"

Toby glanced at Roy nervously before speaking. Pam didn't have to look at him to know he was glowering at Toby, at her. "Uh… he was kind of on edge, I guess. There was a complaint filed after the party. I didn't see what happened at first. Jim and Pam had been pranking one of the employees, I guess and they were laughing together at reception and Roy saw them."

"And how did Mr Anderson react to this?"

"Uh he was mad… and you know he's a big guy and it's not great to be around when he's mad. It's sort of uncomfortable to be near. It's like wearing a jacket when you're driving and it gets really hot but you're in charge of the car so you can't do anything about it but sit there and burn and try not to get into anything while the guy in the passenger seat leans out the window and cusses out the other drivers."

Murphy stood silent a moment. "So...uh…, so Mr Anderson was angry that night?"

Leaning closer to to microphone, Toby cleared his throat again, a familiar Toby-gesture Pam recognized as nervousness or unease. She'd witnessed it enough in meetings with him and Michael. "Yes." Toby replied. "He started yelling at Jim at reception and he sort of lunged at him, I guess, kinda like… " he lifted his arm, shifting forward to demonstrate. "And then Pam got in the middle of them and tried to cool him off. Then Roy sort of grunted something at Pam, like 'c'mon' or something and he pushed her out the door."

"Mr Anderson pushed her?" Murphy repeated, raising his arm to gesture at Roy.

"Yes."

"What was he shouting?" Murphy persisted. "What words did he use?"

"He um… he wanted to know what was going on, something like what the hell is going on. And uh, that he said that Jim was making a move on Pam."

"And you say he lunged at Mr Halpert?"

"Yeah."

"You saw him lunge at Mr Halpert, just as you described?" Murphy once again gestured to Roy. Pam thought she was beginning to notice a pattern in the attorneys questions and gestures. He was carefully and quietly linking Roy's currently fuming expression to the images of violence described as they came. A one-two relatable association. Violence, Roy. He was making clear that the jury knew exactly who was on trial and why.

"Yes. Like.." Toby once again demonstrated.

"In your opinion with intent to cause harm to Mr Halpert?" Murphy lifted his head.

"Objection!" The sudden bellow of the defense attorney caused several people to startle in their seats, including the judge. "Your honor –The question calls for the witness to speculate on my clients intention. Objection!"

"Counsel, rephrase the question to the witness or move ahead." Judge Summers replied sternly, recovering quickly.

Murphy grinned politely at the bench. "My apologies your honor. Now, Mr Flenderson, you say there was a complaint filed regarding this incident. Can you describe the complaint?"

Toby looked at him from drooping eyes. "There was a complaint made by an employee, who said they felt intimidated by Roy's anger."

"One complaint? Thank you. In your role as human resources representative, did you speak to Ms Beesly about the incident?"

"Yes.. about a week later when she came back to work. She had been off sick after that night."

"Off sick." Another pointed look at Roy. "Can you describe her emotional state when you spoke to her?"

"She was calm, quiet. She was very apologetic and pretty subdued."

Pam watched the exchange tensely without moving so much as a fingertip. She felt the heat of eyes on her, eyes looking through her – Toby was now looking at her with regret. She could feel Jim's attention on her, her mom, dad, but most unnervingly from the other side of the courtroom. From the left she could hear bitter noises as Roy muttered to his attorney. It was distracting and she leaned forward, keenly trying to shut Roy out of her awareness as the testimony moved on to another day she couldn't fully remember.

"It was yourself who notified Mr Anderson that his fiancee had passed out in the office and was being taken to hospital?" Murphy was asking.

"That's right."

"What was his response to this, was he upset? Concerned? Did he immediately rush away to join her at the hospital?"

Toby's mouth hung open, sightly slack a moment. "Uh… he wasn't there at the time… he was out on a lunch break. I, I waited downstairs for him to come back. He went into the warehouse first and then he left to go to the hospital."

Folding his arms thoughtfully, Murphy continued. "Was he concerned about his fiancee? Worried that something serious could be wrong with her? Upset that she had been taken to the hospital?"

Toby flushed, his hand once more travelling to his neck. "Ummm…. Well… he ummm…. made a joke, he laughed and said something about how they go through this once a month with Pam. And he said…" Toby stopped, face red with unshed embarrassment. "Uh, he walked away with someone from the warehouse and he said damn if he wasn't getting any that night."

Pam closed her eyes, almost puncturing her lower lip with her teeth. She briefly reflected how thorough Murphy really was, recalling him cautioning her that things she didn't know about would come out in court, things that might be painful. Roy was disgusting, truly disgusting.

Murphy clearly agreed with her. Throwing a revolted look at the defense, he turned back to Toby, shaking his head. "And what time of the day was it that Mr Anderson left the workplace to go to the hospital?"

"It would have been around half one to two midday."

"Thank you." Murphy spun round efficiently, picking up sheets of paper. "Your honor, I have a record here of Mr Anderson not parking nor attending at the hospital until nearly five o'clock - almost three hours after he left to go to the hospital." Murphy walked over, allowing the other attorney to look at the paper, before showing it to Toby. The judge allowed it to be introduced into evidence.

Pam shrugged involuntarily, recalling the perfectly scrubbed and polished lower floor of the house she shared with Roy once he had driven her home that day. At the time she had been so hazy, so tired she hadn't really thought of anything other than her bed, in her confused state it hadn't seem that unusual that he'd been home cleaning rather than at the hospital frantically worrying about her. She supposed she could harbor another grudge against Roy for that, but all she felt was a lightness in her chest when she thought of that day. The day Jim and her talked, really talked. If Roy had turned up when he was supposed to, it would have meant that Jim wouldn't have stayed with her and seen her in the hospital room after the doctor had been in and he wouldn't have confronted her, at least not then…..who knows what path she might have deviated on to if things had been different. Maybe she would still be with Roy.

"...saw everyone one the ground, choking and coughing. Except Dwight, one of the salesman, who was holding mace and choking pretty hard himself." Toby was saying. Pam shook her head out of her memory fog, trying to bring herself back to the present.

Murphy nodded. "Did you see the defendant strike Mr Halpert at any time during this confrontation?"

"No… uh...they were all on the ground when I got there. Except Jim was getting up. And, uh, Roy's brother was there, he came on office gatherings and parties with Roy sometimes – and he shouted, really angry back at Jim that Roy didn't do anything Pam didn't ask for."

"You heard Roy's brother say this. You heard him?" Murphy clarified. "He said 'Roy didn't do anything Pam didn't ask for?'" he turned towards the defense.

Pam zoned out again. It had been hard for her to hear details of Roy attacking Jim, and she realized she had never known the full details. She had never asked. She silently applauded Murphy. Of all the people with the potential to make things worse for Roy, she would not have bet a cent that it would have been Kenny. As it was she could hear Roy spitting and muttering irately and the soft, hushed tones of his attorney trying to calm him.

If only she believed in karma.

-TO-

"You really should eat something." Helene was observing her daughter worriedly. "You need your strength, you need to look after yourself."

Pam looked down, clutching the hem of her jacket. "I'll throw up if I eat anything. I'll eat tonight. Promise." she said half-heartedly.

Helene hovered in front of her, holding out a wrapped sandwich. "At least have a little something. Just to keep your strength up."

"Here, I'll split it with you." Penny took the sandwich from their mother.

Pam sigh loudly. "Alright." she gave up and took her half from her sister. As the minutes moved forward she mangled more pieces of bread between her fingers than reached her mouth. In a corner further away Helene and William were having a heated discussion in loud whispered tones.

"Dad's totally freaking out." Penny said, watching the two of them. "He's really pissed."

"I'll say…" Pam mumbled back. "He just about threatened Jim with death last week."

Penny's eyes flew open wide. "Woah! What did you do?"

Jim laughed softly. "Nothing, really. He just informed me of all the…uh... creative… ways he could make me regret it if I ever lay a finger on Pam."

Penny looked at him sympathetically. "Post Roy regret… all the things he wishes he could say to Roy."

"Mom spent the entire evening apologizing for it. It was actually kinda funny at the time." Pam said, smiling at Jim. "Because Dad actually really likes Jim a lot."

Penny nodded agreeably. "I never liked Roy as much as they did." she informed Jim.

"True." Pam replied quietly. The minutes cut away faster than they should and before she was ready they were standing to go back into the courtroom.

"Roy's a pig, isn't he." Penny stated matter of factly as they were leaving the room.

"No." William said, bumping forward behind her. "Pigs are smart."

"And clean." Jim added.

"Damn right." William said and looked at Jim appreciatively.

Pam found a smirk stretching across her lips. She messed up with Roy, messed up big time, but right then, she was very grateful for the men in her life.

-TO-

Going back into the courtroom made her stomach roll. She stood helplessly, waiting for her attorney to reappear, feeling vulnerable at her seat without him there.

"Beesly." Jim said in a low voice. She turned around, noticing Murphy up at the bench talking animatedly with Judge Summers. She picked up Jim's hand automatically as she leaned towards to him to hear better.

Then came the commotion from the defense area.

"Hey!" Roy yelled, banging his hand on the table violently. He was staring directly at her then, giving her his blackest look. "Are you kidding me! I told you! Hey, Pam? Pam! What the hell do you –"

Pam froze in place, staring back at Roy with open fear in her eyes. He glared fiercely, hatred firing bright in his eyes, his expression. Before she knew it he was on his feet and there was suddenly layers and layers of voices closing in on her both familiar and unfamiliar. She closed her eyes. Someone grabbed hold of her arm, pulling her backwards. The room grew dark and heavy around her.

Somewhere inside the gloom she heard a loud banging sound, and the irate voice of Judge Summers calling for order. When Pam slowly opened her eyes she saw the reason for the darkness - it was Jim, Jim and her Dad standing in front of her. Dimly she felt a tingle in her arm where one of them had pulled her back behind them. As they all moved to sit again she saw Roy, now seated, head in hands, fiery red cheeks apparent.

"Counsel, instruct your client to control himself or I'll have him removed from the court." Judge Summers ordered sternly.

She almost wished he would have another outburst. He was both predictable and wildly unpredictable. She sat in the hard wooden seat shaking her head miserably. Nothing changed.

And there it was, half the problem she had created in the past. He never changed. How she had believed his promises of change, his lies. She had expected him to change for the better. That had been her big mistake. But she hadn't been the only one making mistakes.

After all, he had made the mistake of believing she would never leave. And in the end, she had been the winner in that game of trust.