He had his shirt in his hand and his head against the front door that she had just bolted out of. He slammed his fist against the door, hard.
“Shit!”
The panicky ache hadn’t seemed to leave his chest since the moment she had whispered his name, stopped him, left him.
He felt like such an idiot. For so long, years even, he had been able to keep his feelings pooled safely behind a dam. They pushed against every one of his walls, but he had been careful to maintain them, keep them in check.
Then she found all these things, these tangible memories he had kept of her and there was no way to contain them. The dam had finally burst, sweeping her out of his reach in the process.
But…she had brought it down. He admitted his feelings, yes, but she had kissed him first. She kissed him back. She blazed the trail he had been afraid to trek for three years and all he could do was cling onto her for dear life, pleading with his lips and hands for her to assure him it was all real.
And then she left. After she kicked up the dust and led him to places he had only dreamt, she left him standing there, exposed and confused.
He was unsure of how he was supposed to feel. She obviously thought of him as more than a friend, because friends don’t rip your shirt off in your kitchen while their tongue is in your mouth. It gave him a sliver of hope, until he remembered how she couldn’t breathe, crying out regretful apologies as she ran away from him.
The conflicting winds inside of him were impossible to tame. He would start by fending off the pain as he tried to remember the feel of her lips, tried to immortalize the imprint of her fingerprints on his skin. Then he would move to letting the guilt consume him completely, regretting putting her in that kind of position in the first place. As much he wanted to relive every kiss, the look on her face before she left would haunt him mercilessly.
He pulled his shirt on and sat on the couch, feet bouncing against the carpet, hands snarled in his hair. He pulled out his phone and drafted sixteen different text messages to her, deleting each one as soon as he finished typing. What was there to say?
It was only 7:30 but he just wanted to sleep, though he was certain sleep would most likely evade him. He slipped under the covers and stared at his desk drawer, still slightly ajar, that was holding the contents—the spark, really—that began this wildfire he felt trapped in.
The girl those items represented was not only his best friend, but he loved her. Which is why he grabbed his phone again and pressed “2” until it started ringing. He had no idea what he would say, but he loved her and she was hurting because of something he did—they did—and he needed to find some way to stop the fire from burning the whole damn forest to the ground.
It rang.
And rang.
And rang.
Until he heard her recorded voice, cheerfully telling him to call back later. So he did, four more times over the course of the night but with the same result, each time driving a nail further into the coffin of what they were or could ever be.
**********
He sat in his car for 23 minutes before finally going inside the building for work Monday morning. He had no clue what he would say to Pam as he walked in the office, but he knew he had to say something. So many times he had swept feelings under the rug and tried to pretend there was nothing between them but there was no way that could happen this time.
He paced in the small elevator on the way up, unable to keep any of his nervous limbs stationary. The doors opened and he took a deep breath. Through the glass doors he could see she was standing at her desk. Normally, his stomach danced when he saw her through the door, but this time it plummeted.
He walked in, gauging her reaction as he walked by the reception desk. She glanced up as he passed her and their eyes met briefly. In the split second before she busied herself with a task that probably didn’t exist before that moment, he could see the sadness lingering behind her eyes—a perfect reflection of his own. He told himself he didn’t have to confront her immediately. He would need some time to prepare his heart to look into those eyes again anyway.
For the next three hours they exchanged stolen looks, each of them looking away once the other snagged onto a lingering gaze. He tried not to watch her as she walked past him to the kitchen, her arms hugged tightly against her chest. He tried not to stand up and follow her. He tried, but just like so many other things in his life, he failed.
He glanced behind him to see if anyone else was around when he grabbed the kitchen door before it shut and slipped in behind her.
“Pam…”
She tensed at the sound of his voice which made his heart pang with grief. So much had changed.
“Pam...can we talk? Please?”
She couldn’t meet his eyes. Her lips turned down and her brows furrowed. “Not here,” was all she could seem to muster out.
“Then where?! You won’t answer…”
She shook her head and started back out of the kitchen before he could finish. He grabbed her hand to stop her.
“Pam, come on. Don’t do this,” he pleaded quietly, giving her hand a squeeze. “I can’t lose you.”
She finally looked at him and he saw the tears pooling in the corner of her eyes. She squeezed his hand back, then slipped it out and briskly walked back to her desk. He quickly rubbed his face with his hands and followed right behind her, defeated.
Right as he sat down, Michael called from behind him.
“Jimbo!”
Jim turned around in his seat. “Yeah?”
Michael walked over and strained to raise one leg up on Jim’s desk. “Listen, man. I kind of got myself in an impediment.”
“Predicament?”
“Whatever. I have a problem. I seem to have double booked myself.”
Jim squinted. “Explain.”
“See, I scheduled a potential client meeting at the same time as...something else...and I need you to go to the meeting for me.”
“What’s the other thing?”
“Not important.”
“I can’t say yes until I know.”
Michael stared at him for several seconds before blurting, “I have a wart removal appointment, okay?! It’s a very normal thing! Just...please go for me?”
Jim cringed. “Uh, yeah. Sure. When?”
“Now.”
Jim sat up straight. “Now?!”
Michael turned to go back into his office. “Yep. Well, 15 minutes. Bring Pam. It’s at Applebee’s since Apple-BEESLY over there got herself banned from Chili’s.”
His throat tightened upon hearing her name. He glanced quickly to reception then rushed to meet Michael in his office. He lowered his voice.
“Wait, Pam?” He cleared his throat. “I thought this was just a sales meeting...why...she probably doesn’t have to come…”
“Nonsense,” Michael scoffed. “She always comes with me to take notes and since you’re acting as me, she’s going with you. You two are besties, I don’t see the problem.”
Jim gave an insincere smile, not wanting Michael to pick up on the fact that something was amiss with Pam. “Yeah. Okay. I’ll just uh, go get my things.”
Michael handed him a folder filled with quick info on the potential client and shooed him out of his office, leaving him to fend off the cold front coming off of Pam’s shoulders by himself for the next two hours.
Ten minutes later he was in his car next to Pam, who had yet to look at or speak to him. He handed her the folder.
“Sorry, Michael sprung this on me. Could you...maybe read the bullet points to me while I drive?”
She took the folder and cracked it open. He had to admit, the sound of her voice was soothing after the radio silence he had endured all morning, even if she was just rattling off facts about this prospective client.
The meeting went as smoothly as it could have, with the promise that Jim would be receiving a call by the end of the day with a sizable order. Any other day, he would have been pleased. It was a big company and Michael assured him he could keep the sale and commission for himself. But all he could picture was the way Pam seemed to shrink anytime their eyes crossed paths. He had started the day out with nervousness and sadness, but slowly he started to become more upset and confused. All he wanted was the chance to repair as much of their relationship as he could, but there wasn’t a shot in hell of that happening if she wouldn’t even look at him.
In the car on the way home, Pam’s entire body was turned toward the door, away from Jim, and she looked silently out the window. Suddenly, Jim couldn’t do it anymore. He quickly pulled into an abandoned parking lot and killed the engine.
Pam turned to look at him, then looked around the parking lot. “What are you doing?”
“C’mon, Pam. We need to talk.”
Pam let out a big, shaky exhale. “Jim…”
“Listen, I’m sorry. But you obviously felt something too and I’m confused and need to know what’s going on,” he shrugged. “And where we go from here.”
Pam’s fingers went to her engagement ring. “I don’t know if I can do this right now.”
Jim let out a sound of frustration “Pam.”
“What do you expect me to do, Jim?!” Her voice was louder now, with a bite to it.
“I don’t know, Pam, let yourself feel something? Face something? Freaking talk about it for once?!”
Pain, frustration, and anger all flashed through her eyes as she glared at him. “I’m engaged, Jim.”
“And don’t I know it,” he spit back.
They stared at each other, just the sound of passing cars filling the silence between them. She dropped her gaze. “We shouldn’t have…”
He looked down too, cutting her off bitterly. “Yeah…”
“I’m sorry, Jim.”
He could hear the emotion in her voice. He flashed back to that night, to feeling her hands run over his body, hearing the sighs from her mouth, her breath heavy against his. Maybe they shouldn’t have, but it wasn’t one-sided.
In a near whisper, he uttered, “What about the painting? In your closet?”
Now the hurt on her face was flushed out and replaced with shock and confusion. “You saw that?!”
“I saw it the night we went out. The night you asked me to stay with you. You know, the night you got drunk and told me about your fiance, who you’re so hellbent on defending, kissing another girl.”
Pam glared at him sharply. “You don’t get it all, do you?” she asked quietly. “I got drunk because Roy kissed someone and then the very next day I turn around and do the exact same thing.”
He couldn’t hide the pain that flickered across his face. “It’s not the same.”
“Oh really? How?”
He raised his voice. “I’m not some guy, Pam! At least I thought I wasn’t! You didn’t get drunk and stick your tongue down some random dude’s throat at a bar. It’s me,” he urged. “It’s you and me. You can play the “engaged” card all you want, but don’t tell me you didn’t feel something that night.”
Now Pam’s eyes were glossy with tears as she sat silently, taking in his words. She took in a shuddering breath and locked eyes with him.
“I can’t.”
He found it amazing that two words--just five letters--could bring his world to such a screeching halt.
He felt his eyes start to burn as he rested his head against the headrest of his seat, completely defeated.
“Okay.”
He silently started the engine back up and put the car in drive. As he pulled onto the road, he felt her hand creep over the center console and grab his. She kept her eyes fixed out the window, but never pulled away. His chest clenched tightly. He squeezed her hand back, his head dizzy with her gesture but it was mingled and soured with the intense pain of knowing that after all that had happened, she was still choosing someone else.
Just another failure for Jim to put on his shelf.
The ride back to the office was silent, barring the occasional sniffles from the passenger side as Pam quietly cried. Jim ran his thumb along her knuckle, wanting to comfort her but knowing he was slowly sinking himself. He couldn’t save her. Not anymore.
They pulled into the parking lot of the office building. In one last effort, Jim brought her hand up and pressed his lips to the back of it, closing his eyes. Things would likely never be the same and he wanted to savor their last moments alone. She looked at him and mustered a smile through tear-stained cheeks and bloodshot eyes.
“I’m sorry,” she whispered.
He lifted a corner of his mouth. “I know.”
Reluctantly he let go of her hand and they exited the car and went back to the office, where they finished their workday without another word or look shared. At the end of the day, he stopped at Pam’s desk.
“Hey, uh, I just thought I should let you know I’m taking a couple days off.” He looked down to his shoes, then back up to her.
“Okay,” she said, brow furrowed. “Everything...okay?”
He shrugged. “Yeah, just need to, uh, sort some things out. I’ll see you Friday.”
They said their goodbyes and he walked out the door. His bag felt four times heavier now that it held five different applications for jobs and transfers out of state.
He had no future here.
************
The next two days were nothing short of miserable. Every time he walked into the kitchen he remembered her pressed against him. Every time he was in his car, he felt her phantom hand in his. He had horrible nightmares of her painting swirling and mixing and reminding him of all their stolen moments that ultimately amounted to nothing but heartbreak and regret.
It wasn’t until he pulled the Cumberland Mills application out of his bag that he realized that he wasn’t sure he could leave. Not yet. He grabbed his keys and bolted out the door.
He took the steps slowly, reciting every word he wanted to say on a loop in his mind. He held his knuckles in front of the door, wondering if he could stomach another rejection, but knowing he had cards in his hand he hadn’t played and he just had to try. One more time.
He knocked and paced on her doorstep.
This was a dumb idea. She made her decision. It wasn’t you.
The door opened and he saw her standing there, framed by her doorway, lovely as ever, her hair cascading over her shoulders, reflecting the glowing sunset behind them. It left him, quite literally, breathless. He exhaled sharply.
“Jim?”
“Hey.”
“Hi,” she smiled warmly, which caught him off guard.
He shook his head slightly. “I had this whole speech planned out and I was going to come and say it and have you listen but…” he gazed at her intently. “You’re beautiful.”
She smiled bashfully and opened her mouth to speak. “Jim…”
He held up a hand. “Wait, just...I actually do have something to say and I really need to say it before I chicken out.” He cleared his throat. “Listen, I know you’re getting married. I know I put you in a weird position and that you made a decision. But I think you need all the facts before you can actually decide what you want. And the fact is…I’m in love with you, Pam,” he breathed out. “This isn’t a crush or getting caught up in the moment. This is it for me. You said I know you better than anyone and you’re right. Which means I know you deserve so much better than what you’re allowing yourself. I just wish you would let me try and show you that. Because I love you. One word and I’ll drop it, I promise. I’ll find a way to move on. But even if it’s not me, you deser—“
“I broke up with Roy.”
He nearly choked on the shock. “You what?!”
She brought her hand to her mouth and chuckled lightly and for the first time he noticed her ring was gone.
“I drove to North Carolina yesterday since Roy refused to come home to talk. I got home an hour ago.”
His hand ran through his hair as he tried to pick his jaw off the floor. “But...why?”
She rolled her eyes as if he had just asked her the color of the sky. “Jim.”
He closed his eyes. “No, I need to hear you say it.”
She stepped out of the doorway closer to him. “Toby let it slip that you might be looking to transfer or get a new job. When I went to work yesterday morning, you weren’t there. I couldn’t bear to think about what it would be like if you were gone for good.” She took one more step closer. “So, I finally let myself admit that it was you. It has always been you, Jim.”
There was no hope for clarity of thought. Instead, he lowered his forehead to hers like he had just days ago in his kitchen.
“Jim,” she whispered. “I think I might…” she said slowly, meeting his eyes. “I think I might love you too.”
He couldn’t contain his grin. “You have no idea how long I’ve wanted to hear that.”
He quickly and purposefully lowered his lips to hers and wrapped his arms around her, pulling her tighter, tethering himself to her for as long as she would let him.
They broke apart after several minutes and Jim let out a breathy laugh, smiling wide. “Holy crap...”
Pam chuckled and took his hands in hers and bit her bottom lip. “I do have one request.”
He gave her another gentle kiss. “Anything. Literally anything you want.”
She smiled. “Can you take me to the store? I’m out of butter pecan.”
Author's Chapter Notes:
The final installment of this little story. Thank you so much for the love and encouragement!
Chapter title comes from the song “White Blank Page” by Mumford and Sons
Chapter title comes from the song “White Blank Page” by Mumford and Sons
Chapter End Notes:
Again, thank you for every review and every jellybean!! This is the best community out there, hands down.
WanderingWatchtower is the author of 23 other stories.
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