Dear My Someday

I'll keep writing you nightly,

And keep holding on tightly,

To the words that you said

He thinks he should be more angry. And, sure, he is a little frustrated, but he’s mostly just sad.

She told him she was still going to marry Roy. He poured his heart out to her, kissed her, tried to show her just how he felt about her, but she still turned him down. He moved three hours away because he couldn’t bear the thought of seeing her walk down the aisle to someone who wasn’t him. But then she called off the wedding and he couldn’t help but get his hopes up. Every day he waited for his phone to ring, for a text to come, for an IM to pop up, anything from her that would tell him that she changed her mind because of him; for him.

But every day, nothing came. He had found out from Kevin that the wedding was off, then from Toby that she moved into an apartment across town, and then today he found out from Michael that she’s dating again. He thought moving away, starting over, not having to see her, would help him move on. Instead, every day that he doesn’t hear her voice chips at his heart a little more. When he finds out about that she’s signing up for art classes, or how she’s standing up for herself more, or really anything that has to do with her, he’s so proud. He always knew he had it in her. Knew that she always wanted this for herself, but never knew how to get it. But now that she’s free, she’s going after it.

But he’s also heartbroken that he can’t be right there next to her to cheer her on. He has to find these things out second hand, because he won’t reach out to her, he won’t allow himself to. He has to hope that when he catches up with Kevin or Toby or sometimes Oscar, that they’ll bring her up. That they will know exactly what he wants to ask without saying a word and answer it for him. He won’t allow himself to reach out, but he can’t seem to stop himself from still wanting to know everything about her.

After two cosmos, a shot of tequila, and telling Michael the truth about why he left Scranton, all of which he is starting to regret, he sits on his bed with his face in his hands. He almost wishes he was still in Scranton. That tomorrow he would go back to the office and tell her about everything. Watch her eyes light up as he told her about Michael’s party and her jaw drop when he tells her that Dwight got a hooker. He almost slipped to the cameras that he wanted to call her then but caught himself in time, saying he’s not sure who to call. But he wants to call her.

He rubs his face before dropping his hands into his lap. He starts to unbutton his shirt to get ready for bed when the hotel notepad on his nightstand catches his eye. Maybe it’s because he knows he isn’t actually going back to Scranton; he won’t be able to hear her giggle or theorize with her over who Dwight could have hired. Maybe it’s the fact that he found out that she’s dating again and it’s not with him. Maybe it’s just the drinks catching up with him. Whatever it was, he grabs the notepad and sits down at the too-small table in his room.

Pam,

I’m writing this because I know you’ll never read this. Whether it’s thrown away, burned, shredded, whatever, this letter will never see the light of day once I’m done. But I needed to get this out.  

I hate that you are dating again. I think I would almost rather you have married Roy than to find out that you’re going out with someone that isn’t me. And maybe that sounds egotistical or selfish, but I don’t care. I laid my heart out for you. I gave you everything I had, and you turned me away. Twice. And I get it; I do. You were engaged and you loved Roy. I couldn’t stick around to watch you marry him, but I understood.

But then you called it all off and I had to find out from Kevin. I didn’t even get an e-mail from you. I guess I really did misinterpret our friendship because I thought I would have at least deserved that much.

Because I used to be the person you told everything to. You told me about the internship Jan offered and how your sister got accepted into college. You told me why you like mixed berry over vanilla and how you get carsick, but only if you read while in the car. You told me everything and I thought it was because you knew. Deep down, I think you had always known how I feel about you and letting me see these glimpses of you that only a few others got to see made me believe that maybe you felt the same way. I guess not.

I think what I hate the most, though, is that I still love you. Even three states, 150 miles, three hours away from everything that you are, I still see you everywhere. I see you making impressions when I walk past the Rite Aid on the corner. I see you behind the counter of the local coffee shop because the barista has the same auburn, curly hair that you do. I see you in the dairy section picking out yogurt and in the laundry aisle restocking on fabric softener.

I thought moving would help. I thought I would be able to get over you more easily. But every time I see something that reminds me of you, it also reminds me that I’m not in Scranton anymore. I’m no longer across town or five feet away from your desk. It breaks me a little more each time.

But you are moving on, so I guess I will too. I’m not sure how, but I will, one day. I’m so proud of you for everything you are doing, I’m just sorry that you felt you couldn’t do it with me.  

Yours Truly,

Jim

He’s not sure how to feel as he reads over his letter. His heart is heavy, but for the first time since May, tears aren’t stinging his eyes as thoughts of Pam overcrowd his brain.

As he crumples the letter and tosses it to the side, he wonders if this is a sign that he really can move on. The tears come when he thinks he doesn’t want to.