Suddenly the air shifted and they knew it’s time to step out of their bubble. Jim didn’t take her name and Pam didn’t bring her up until now. It’s like they both have been walking through the maze, avoiding the giant dragon .
Jim took a breath in, before saying ‘I don’t know”
Pam looked up at him expectedly, waiting for him to elaborate while he was looking anywhere but her. Pam felt that he is searching for a joke on the street or the park beside, anything to avoid talking about Karen. She took mercy and initiated “So, Michael withdrew from the corporate position. So will you be our new boss ?”
Jim smiled slightly, thanking her silently for not pushing him to spill everything that happened today with Karen. Even when he was sharing about Jan's debacle, Pam never prodded about his own interview or where they stand. She has been patient and kind and just….perfect.
He missed this ‘ease’. When she could just pick up when he wants to discuss or when he needs time. There is so much to unpack here. What he did today, why he did it and how much is it because of her. Maybe spilling it all out will loosen him up a bit.
The last time he wanted to share something this big about his job with Pam was how he applied for a position in Stamford and he is going before the “wedding”. Instead of telling her just that, he spilled his guts about love and “more than that” that left his heart broken, friendship ruined and him packing his bags over the weekend than going a week later. Is he ready again to tell her about today? Tell her that once again, one of his big career decisions was her, all her. And in the process he even managed to break another girl's heart. How deep he is into it already and they are not even past the first date.
Walking in silence, he could feel that Pam is waiting, though patiently, but still waiting for a response and he can’t stall anymore. He took the time to shove the dark feelings, he decided to stick to things that happened than why it happened. Maybe he could do this ‘why” for another day.
“I don’t know, I think I should stay a salesman for some more time and annoy the hell out of Dwight before doing the big jump” he stated solemnly but his eyes gave away and both chuckled.
“Yeah, that makes sense. How would it feel if a Vice President is walking the branch, acting like a vampire, ready to suck blood out of their top salesman”
Pam remembers that day vividly. It was her Art show that evening and she was full of nerves. After inviting everyone for the show, except him she was back on fidgeting in her chair. She couldn’t bring herself to talk to him about the exhibition after his strange coldness towards her since Phyllis’ wedding. But secretly hoped he would see the flier in the kitchen and will come anyway. To distract herself from all the anxiety for her show, she was back on focusing on his estranged friend who was milking the opportunity of having the bat in the office. He teamed up with Karen (once again) and was driving Dwight crazy. She was successful in taking her mind off the show for that bit, but couldn’t ascertain if it was the prank or just the pain of seeing them together.
Pam mini reverie stopped at Jim’s next words.
“Ouch Beesly. Are you calling Dwight a better salesman than I am”, Jim put a hand on his heart with an expression of fake hurt.
“Well, I thought someone said that “If I become top salesman at Dunder Mifflin Paper Co. then shoot me because I am ruined before repair” she put her fingers up in quote unquote, raising his eyes at him with the same smirk she has many times in the past.
“Touche” he conceded with a deep sigh and they both smiled at each other.
Things were back to being easy, being simple and being them that Jim was inching towards talking about them again instead of Dwight, Dunder Mifflin or KAREN. But before he could try another digression Pam asked “So what’s it going to be” and he could tell from the light in her eyes that he can’t get away this time with a joke.
Old Pam would have been okay about his jokes and silences and they would have moved to safe topics by now but this Pam seems a bit more determined. It was just how she was that night at the Beach, demanding Jim to say something, anything to her brave confession.
“I was in the interview and realized along the way that I wanted different things. I told them that I can’t pursue it any further and that corporate isn’t for me. It was really great but just not right for me ”
Pam took a moment to absorb his words, almost nodding in understanding before shaking her head ever so slightly and prodded “But you called for that interview. I thought you wanted that position and whatever comes with it”
Jim knew that they weren't talking about just the job anymore. He was not sure how much he was ready to discuss at the moment, fearing he’ll say way more than he should and will scare her away with his feelings. He has promised himself to take things slow so he has to be careful before spilling his heart’s deepest secrets again.
At the end, he chose honesty “I did, yes. It was going well. It felt like something I wanted. I wanted to want it, I really did. But then something happened…” and at this he looked straight at her.
‘And everything felt different and I thought it wouldn’t be fair to anyone to pretend like it’s my desire because it’s not. My heart wanted something else and there were no more confusions and I chose to come back” his smile dropped by this point and he was gazing at her with intensity, daring her to ask more.
But this time Pam knew better to ask any further. She knew exactly how it feels the moment when the awareness comes to you and you stop pretending. When you listen to your heart and you set yourself free.
“I am glad that you made this choice. To go for what your heart wanted”. She appeared to be in awe of of his words when hers came out softly.
“Me too”
They realized they came very far from the car while taking this stroll and turned around to make their way back. Both of them enjoying the comfortable silence when Pam clasped his hand gently, looking ahead and smiling to herself, whispering “me too”.
